emotional necromancy

The past is dead until we dig up those memories... By bell or book or aether or feast.

The procession of what was becomes the now is in its ghastly apparitional vestiges to sing songs of lament and sorrow. Those dyschordiant chimes of a time more of shadow than substance and being. The lashing of chords somber and melancholic giving forth their unwarming heat from a long dead fire of shadows.

honeyed words

 songs and poetry seem to be self serving versus action or deed - not to say that action and deed could not be self serving, as they very well could be.

songs and poetry seem to come from an ego perspective... lamenting the loss or absence which the one being lamented may not feel the same way. At times poetry seems to be another version of relationship dysfunctionality... but I'm torn - as I can see that there is a craft in the smithing of the words in how one feels towards another. Pretty words for one's pretty?

 

Is it my inability to see something about songs and poetry? As they convey a feeling or emotion for a specific point and time... all the while as I stare at entropy...

why do I put up these logic barriers to protect myself? Because as I see currently my heart is fractured... I'm broken in the sense of never letting go of her... I hear myself saying I don't want to let go.. like a child.. a thirteen year old... why does it have this hold? 

why am I wrestling with this? 

when I think of those I have been emotionally involved with... there are a few that come to mind readily... but only one who always is in front.. a pedestal so to speak...

I'm trying to reason my emotions in a box... or so it seems to me. to make sense of this shadow that doesn't leave.. one that is cast by my life's experience's. It is a part of me.. but I don't want to be held hostage to it.. and that's all that it seems like my life has been for 37 years... running from one scenario to another... always thinking of her.

 

firsts

 Trying to get this taste out of my mind...

Trying not to frolic in the pool of yesteryear on the island of hormones...

That feeling of "being in love" where you can't be without another.... that feeling.. that is the single most addictive substance in the world... lol

when I think about that... and the other side of the coin of not wanting to be around a person.

Blind love... blind lust... wanting to be a part of that person for an eternity... which at the time sounded like heaven on earth, also seems to be one's eternal hell or no privacy... this want or need that some have to varying degrees that says we need time away from others... imagine having another's thoughts inside your head... you can hear/read theirs just as they can hear/read yours...

Now that was interesting... did I just manage to pull myself out from that emotional quagmire? My heart still aches for that... that feeling of being loved by another... though I question it.. because I question everything.. The life is an illusion aspect of life really has me fucked up at the moment...

I need to pick a topic for next year to look up... love... and the "best" media renditions/descriptions/stories of it..

What is this aching feeling... types of love.. the outliers.. the extremes..

confronting the past hurts

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcNwdO9sy4w

 

It Doesn't Matter - Depeche Mode

 

This song was for her.. how many times I would think of her when I first heard this...  

Trying to catalogue my life in music... the songs that brought me here to today... my youth.. my life.. the love.. the loss..

the ignorance.....

why do i feel like this... why does this hurt so.. my are my emotions so intertwined in this music...

 

why is nostalgia so verboten for me.. my does my heart ache so... why do i weep for what is lost.. 

12 - 18 sucked... it was awesome but I was a fucking moron... still am.. was but sill am.

So much overflowing emotion towards others and entwined like sinew and muscle and flesh..

Xymox is another damn band... now I fucking know why I avoid certain music... so much of it during this time frame is rife with unbridled emotion for those I was attached to... moments in time long ago and events almost forgotten if not revived again as some undead carcass residing on a shelf in my heart and mind....

is it that I am in love with the past which is not now.. it is not here.. it is not the present.. it is not in my power to change.. so why do I let it torment me so?

Why is it when i listen to these songs from my past that are so immersed in emotion, as if a layer of flesh at very bottom is being pulled from my body... my heart is burning with these reopened wound of my own choosing.. my ignorant emotions.. my ignorant self that I built these memories with.

 

 

 

doubt

 my anger says you

my mind says me

i doubt these things that i see

i doubt these things i hear

i doubt these things i feel

i doubt these things i know

why do i have this sorrow filled hole

is this some sort of cracker jack prize from life

my cleansed mind wants to recite jingles as a hymnal of sorts to this modern age

the karaoke of pop culture marketing

i really do just want to cry

 this feeling of sorrow that fills my eyes

the grief of years long gone by

I fret for now and waste my time on things I have no control over

I doubt my pain for the trauma i've been 

yet my heart aches for me and the others..

miso n rice

My stress was mediated by rice and miso soup. I had forgotten how much comfort I get from those two dishes. How easy and simple it is, but it instantly did its magic.

Think more Japanese is in store... Vegan things. Or tempura... Oohh now there's something.

emotionally attached

I'm finding that I am a very emotional person these days... That I get very attached to to others if the language is correct...

Words... That empower... That inspire... That motivate and light a fire.

I want to cry right now and I'm preventing that... Because I feel/think they are self serving at the moment... 

And yet I find myself wondering what it would be to let go... Let the dam break..

Schrodinger's Idea

Thinking of imaginary conversations w real people and was thinking about how I'm hoping 2024 let's me do something that I would find growing... More so than I've blabed about in the past... The notion of saying things but not seeing them come to fruition.  Schrodinger's Idea... If I attempt to make it happen I'm presented with something other than goal or not at all.

Lists... 

Objective... Not objective but new journey along the path... Like Skyrim... Just because you leave the road well travelled doesn't mean you've lost your bearings... You can walk that path but there's limited life near it.. 

Evaluation time... 

Do time..

Book time..

Read time..

Educate time..

Change habits time..

Make art time..

Explore life time..

Photograph time..

worn out?

 It's curious to find my nerves on edge as they currently are at the moment. This tension in my shoulders that I feel and have felt building for a while now feels reminiscent of my days at Toyota or any job that I felt that pressure to perform well. Never really knowing who what or where... so many opportunities..

how am I navigating towards that?

things I'm going to ponder next year... how what fits and what doesn't... finding a group.. or a person..

 volunteering...

 

 

violence

Violence is the language of ignorance...

Looking back on my youth and poor choices. Looking at my parents and their genetics 🧬.

haunted forevermore

This one...

Can't ever not have strong emotions for her.

the worst part

 the worst part of living on planet moron is knowing that the inhabitants don't know this.

I just lost another one..

That thought I wanted to write down but got distracted with.. fuck..

new baby smell

Just thinking about new baby smell is a bit of a trigger... Reminding me of my kids.. and their kids..

I'm a sucker for newborns... Mostly

world of pain

Am I being a drama queen..

Am I regurgitating headlines from cobbled news stories...

I really think this world is heading for the shitter... If and I highly doubt this if... If humanity ever plans to get their head out of their ass then it's gonna be painful... 

Like mass death and destruction painful... 

Is ww3 around the corner... More than likely....

I am burnt atm.. run run run.. 

life emerges in ideal conditions

And not so ideal conditions 

if I am not stopped

I was crying over a remembered moment I had this year on the bus, heading to a doctor appointment I went to catch a transfer bus, but apparently the construction site made it not possible for the bus to stop there. Ended up running to the next stop only to miss that as well, as I'm waiting frantic about making appt, I see this older man come following up as he'd missed that construction bus stop as well. We made some small talk about the weather and somehow ended up on the topic of family as we got on the bus. Oh your out here and your family is in x. The next moments we seemed to end up in this emotional moment of how the past has escaped us and the loneliness of getting older and the longing to be around family again.

Something led him to think as was Persian like him... I enjoy that. I enjoy not being mistaken for an American.. but fuck I need to learn another language.

But ultimately it was seeing the tears in his eyes.. as they are in mine from time to time. 

love is blind

 having a bit of a music discussion with Bart and meandered off onto the topic of politics and shit in regards to the notion of the propaganda that is pushed on us since birth. This notion that you have to vote for a giant douche or a turd sandwich (note SP propaganda).

That's what is keeping us here. This notion for keeping the status quo.

This is an affront to reality and evolution... and also part of the fucking illusion that is life and that is what we have to confront with on a daily basis.

we have what our senses present us, we have our emotions, we have our knowledge, we have our experience... and science time and time again tells us that we are being lied to.

We have some things we call scientific theory's and we look to them as pieces of information that we can get our bearings with so to speak. I don't want to say facts or truth, as again I want to reiterate - reality lies to us. So I attempt to enter things in when I'm not engaged with others or having other distractions, in a dis-associative manner in order to "try and be" as objective as possible. Which again I believe science says that while attempts can be made we don't really have a full set of cohorts to gather more accurate information. Then we are presented with mathematics... that boggles my mind. How de we have this abstract idea that is language of the universe? I struggle with math severely... but I know that it is the foundation for so much.

So I got to thinking about the concept of casting my vote and it has me really frustrated in this propagandized notion about you have to vote for one or the other.

Which led me to thinking about how blind love really is.

I'm looking at Cornel West as a candidate, Biden can go suck eggs - no more capitalists - no more war mongers/enablers.

Now I've seen a few of his lectures on WEB DuBois and I've sorta dipped my toe in this avenue of the "kill them with love" (my emphasis) ideology, that certain circles on the left emphasize.I was thinking about how often certain proponents in liberal democratic circles love to use this type of propaganda of compassion. Google "how democrats have failed".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manufacturing_Consent

The problem I'm having is not seeing the chaos that is here, that is reality, that humanity continues it's attempts to control with disastrous consequences.

Love is susceptible to similar issues as any other polarized thought. 

Blinded with hate

Blinded by love

My conundrum stems from how to reconcile the following, I know there are a number of things outside my control. Controlling how I react to situations primarily, but what is this that drives me from being lazy? I am fighting against this drive to want to do nothing, because I have rationalized this... or is that part of my programming? Will/NoWill

 

I find myself at times in analysis paralysis... but also wondering about how susceptible I am to new thoughts and ideas and how they drive me at times. I need to go shopping... craft stuff. 

and I forgot the other thing I was gonna right about...

always counting stars

So there's this song that I know but I don't know and it got me to appreciating it for some reason.. I think I've relagated it to this playlist I have in my head of bands that have a similar grove I'm attracted to and thats the only song I like from them...

There's a line in the aforementioned song that goes along the lines of

You always waited for me... Holy crap what a set of trigger words... I had gone to bed last night reminiscing about my early teen days and making out... How that event could go on for hours and some touchy feely but that was about it.. being so engrossed in an activity for so long.. I miss that .. that aspect of falling in love(lust) w someone and being overwhelmed with everything about them in such an intoxicating way... Only for that to wear off at some point..

Anywho... Those lyrics really struck a chord in that relationship sense... Being with someone and at times you forget the emotions attached, but words have a funny way of being sung/spoken in a manner that resonates deeply and highly emotional. 

HUM - Stars

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gMEB4HNNZ2I

held hostage

You are being held hostage by other people's fear uncertainty and doubt

You are being held hostage by other people's ignorance

You are being held hostage by your own ignorance 

You are being held hostage by your own acts of conformity

You are being held hostage by what you "think" is true

You are being held hostage by your own senses

You are being held hostage by the illusions of reality and those perpetrated by society

You are being held hostage by your feelings

You are being held hostage by the past

You are being held hostage by your brain and your 2nd brain

You are being held hostage by physiological and biological processes beyond your control

You are being held hostage into thinking you are in control

You are being held hostage by your lack of discipline

You are being held hostage by not being able to let go

You are being held hostage by your biases

So too is the remainder of life on earth, everything is connected and that's from an evolutionary 🧬 aspect. The over all ecosystem here in earth is interconnected to not see this is to not understand ones own humanity. The history of life on this planet along with it's social evolution of humanity to today.  Humanity's arrogance and inability to dethrone these rules that are driving us off a cliff... 

But is this the norm? I refuse to believe so.. if I could get to this point in my thought process... I'm slower than molasses.. I see what is needed and the unlikelyhood of that being a reality... So how would the needed education and experience be afforded to others sufficiently for them to be in an egalitarian enlightened mindset understanding that balance and communal/social aspects about shared resources and labor benefits all the most. A true leveled playing field. Nature demonstrates this... But is that sufficient.. humanity has a bad habit of trying to circumvent nature with catastrophic result.

what is the purpose of THIS education?

Imaginary conversations has me wondering along the lines of... What is the purpose of the public education and why is the curriculum the way it is? Why is Horace Mann so prevalent or is that my imagination?

Actively thinking... Conscious thought... Time to breathe..

struggle is real

So I'm trying something different, because what was wasn't happening. Looking into things that I wouldn't say I resigned off, but more like dismissed or relagated to the storage pile of ideas.

I still see life as a spectrum, and all that it encompasses. The good and bad, all of it, as for me that seems to represent life the most accurately. Evolution and it's processes, some of which we try desperately to eradicate through conscious effort but are unable to do so. What makes one capable of making a steadfast choice in this manner while other are not capable of?

I still believe that any situation that puts us in a box or a camp or an ideology that says here is were I am goes against nature. Life is not black and white even if we are presented with such notions. Yet I am drawn to the "betterment of self", to not be who I was. To wanting more for myself and others.... Others, just how am I accomplishing this? Or is that also some sort of illusion.

out over the horizon

Having just set sail, it seems like yesterday

But the barnacles and taking on of water tell another story. The faded paint, the broken down equipment tell another story.

The death of those around you that you know but don't. The interconnected webs that make up your reality, the sinewy strands connected to this experience of your own break away.

I find myself looking at today but drawn to past as these moments in time break away. The associations of now become the associations of then.

Death is on the horizon... Always there never visible... Constantly reminded of the moment, hearing the whispers of oblivion. Seeing a haze of grey beset above and below by the colors of life.

grim grinning ghosts

Half asleep at Miami Airport listening to kxlu.

Hearing the Haunted Mansion jam from Disneyland.. thinking about that album I had as a kid at 4... That was the first vinyl I remember listening to. Was goth an inevitable??

wtf.. my mobile blog posts

The default blog keeps changing...

me oh my oh

Not being able to enjoy the moment...

This is me.

Overall I am not what one would call an extrovert, I am the one who enjoys the local hosts pets more so than the people attending said shin dig. I can be social, I can be obnoxious but after many years if trial and error have been able to maintain my chill. Though it really does fucking depend on my mood. There have been numerous times when I have been forced by hook n crook to be present at some social gathering against my will. It's here when my inner bastard begins to leak a bit more. Complaining before arrival and up into next week about the event. More like The Event!

That bitchy drama queen full of selfishness. 

I have a lot of bullshit to unravel... But I found this insight a bit insightful.

So many instances of this... Why complain??  Should I turn it into a positive? What is the balance??

good time

Soo

I will say this... Have been feeling happy.. much happier than usual. Seem to have gotten out of this cycle of depression from the past few months... Now I just need to figure out some other shit... But feeling happy here in Austin w the fam.

Not sure about what/where next ...

Uncle gramma

Hungry still... Last day here..

Why do I feel obligated to my ex?

Trying not to think think while here... Though I am very much aware of the shit show.

Part wants to stay to help out but yeah... Not sure that's a good idea in spite of the well meaning intent.

Hungry still...

Tacos 🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮

psychedelic orange toast

Back roads outside Austin

and yet here we are again

 

 

I have to admit something, I sorta lied about the title of this blog... not the post.. but the blog itself. Overcame life... HA HA HA HA HAH

oh boy that was funny.

Here I am being my own worst enemy... Knowing full well I AM FUCKING IGNORANT OF THE SITUATION and any speculation is just that.. absolute nonsense.. yet i want to read in to things.

 

SHE FOLLOWED ME.... how.. how in the fuck of fucks did that happen.. how did she find me IN LESS THAN A DAY.. fuck in less than 4 hours.. shit 2. maybe 30 minutes.. I wasn't testing the scenario!!

 The LOVE OF MY LIFE...

the one that has me writing about her NOW. TODAY at 50 fucking years of age.. the one I can't stop thinking about no matter how much I try... and coming to this revelation that I can't be in a relationship with anyone but her.. not in the stalky gonna wear your skin way. 

the depressing revelation of how wired I am for her.. how I know nothing about who she is aside from this.. Melissa is driven.. holy shit.. I'm envious.. proud of her... holy shit soo fucking proud especially knowing where she's come from. I'm in love with a M from 30 yrs ago.. 35+ years... she had my heart from the age of 13.. i'm 50.. and it's really fucking hard to enjoy life when the one you hoped and wished for is out of reach.. and I know some may say c'est la vie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnaM5Fwn5Js

I have conflicts though.. not gonna lie.. Kim nailed all the right words.. but again.. 5 fucking minutes.. chillax turbo.

 

and again.. my mind is ahead of itself.. because reality is single is the only option at the moment.

 

why why

It's midnight I'm on k

But I'm reading into shit..

Why did she follow me in Insta????????????????????

the other person

Go to sleep!!!

an invisible thread of socialization

Pulled out

The other end up side backwards and front again

The delving of depths 

And deeply depressed

The devil is here

And I brought a fiddle

Why am I writing this... 

I'm tired of waiting... I want to experience this world again.. 

Also I should learn to write.. why this method.. it's the only the thing I can probably do currently..

Oh.. I had to look at the title...

I feel better making attempts to build a friendship network... And there is this invisible socialization thread the changes with time... Being responsible.. just like always.. I love hearing the owls out my window.. fuck I need a job.. I want to go travel n shit ..

greendragon3444

 Inventing words to put on paper so someone can understand them.. seriously how.. How do i write the words adequately to convey the thought and emotion of me..

So there's something that just entered my mind so to speak..

the struggles of the artist.. what is it.. what are the actual struggles.. 

My wanting with my being and every fiber to understand existence.. but I see it as an illusion and we are but a program.. there is no free will.. but why do I ache.. my does my heart ache for a time that is so damn far away now. As I listen to Bauhaus... the song of songs.. from my youth none the less.

 

I'm in this time vortex at the moment.. I feel my youth and my age and my lust and wanting to be a better person.. but it seems like that is an illusion of sorts.. fuck that's the thing with drugs and counter culture... that seems to give me this ability to disassociate from this reality.. (see - dissociatives) 

holy shit i think i found the magic Russian roulette in a manner of speaking totally addled brained and what not.. 

I feel like I have reached this point in my existence as a human to really fucking question what the fuck we are doing as a species..

granted i say this knowing full well my own ignorance.. is that sufficient.. to then also add.. I rely on the information from those before me.

I'm having a fucking trip actually at this stage of my life.. I begrudgingly remain skeptical if this will pan out.. I will not get my fucking hopes up on another "oh hey look bright and shiny"...

and the fucked up thing

 i'm still struggling with M..

30+ years... she good filled out.. dude.. what is wrong with me.

She has been my single thought in every relationship... her.. her and her alone..

but that is not a reality.. and I know that my chemistry and my brain being wired for her is fucking juvenile physiology hard coding..

a storm is coming

 or is it me being a drama queen again...

I've poo poo'd social media for a while now, always on this nonsensical island of personal privacy. Why should I sell my information blah blah blah...

I've written about my love woes for a while now.. and something wicked this way comes...

I broke down got an Instagram account to see what the club scene is like. I had way too much fun last night. And hemmed and hawed at getting anything, so I figure and Insta account.

I just got it today, scrolled for a few minutes then put it down. When I came back to my phone I noticed I had 1 follower...

I WAS LIKE WHAAAATTTT

It's M... I'm shitting myself at the moment. I get ahead of  myself and read into things that are not there...

I'm still friends with Mere.. another M... muhahah.. anywho.

I wish I had that photo still.

M is a ship long sailed past and has here own new life and whatnot.. I am not going pirate that.

Kim as much as I would like to see if it's a possibility.. I'm almost self sabotaging reluctant.

i want

 someone who I can share my life with.. who i can be open and honest.. one who doesn't let me get complacent with life.. driven.. but not too driven.. we help each other.. communication is a fundamental.. where nothing is taken for granted.. all questions.. all discussions.. what is this reality to you?

Do you have goals still?

How do you view your humanity?

Do you read?

Science...

She said the right words...

we all have a secret combination of words i think when it comes to forming relationships... these sets of words could be flowery loves letters in a poetic manner or some other modern day representation of what piques the interest when you have your guard up.

She said the right words... She used words that piqued my interest, in who this person is. The quality and manner who they are...

But here I am.. one thirsty mofo apparently.

I was not under any impression that last night was going to be something other than a night of dancing and having fun. YET HOLY SHIT.. I they most fun out dancing in a loooooong time. Meeting Kim (?) last night was not expected... first glance she was not my type at all.. Blonde.. but I went in this greeting through small inconsequential banter of getting to know you. Unknowingly entering into a sitcom-esque conversation of blunt truth volleying for 5 minutes. I was a smitten kitten...

but here I am reflecting now in a bit more sober mind than last night.. I have been pretty good at regulating the fun chems... "pretty good" that there is scientifical.

What is it about this journey of self, where you wrestle with the "bad habits" that we feel impair our ability to become better. I started doing drugs early, why.. because my parents were fucking morons. Who the hell let's their kid run around after dark? Knowing that the older kids influences were everywhere.

anywho.. Why do I let innocent encounters get ahead of me? Didn't really flirt with each other aside from"holy shit another good song, i need a break!" but that could also be her going yeah not interested.. dancing is a good excuse.. but also should could be like me.. can't talk.. dancing!

 

in fear of fear

 

You fear the lesson
And fear to walk
And fear to pass on
Your fear to talk

The teacher was feared
Your parents too
Then you became
The fear of you

Fear

Look to yourself
Climb over the wall
And see behind
That you're not so small
Then you won't blame fear
When competing too much
As you fall on your back
As you fail to touch

Fear

And I say to you
When your fear is strong
When you fear your life
Then your fear is wrong
Set free your past
So shredding the skin
Then you won't fear
The fear of sin

Fear

 

 

bauhaus - in fear of fear

enjoy life

Fuck I had a shit ton o fun tonight...

I love club dancing... 

There's a spiritual factor for me...

It's a exercise... A means to explore and experience life .. 

Is it a art type I need to look for? Should I look at all?

I'm enjoying life right now...

Not that I don't think it's an illusion still... It's enjoyable ATM...

das bunker

Kim

Crap I don't rememberher name but supposedly that's her name.

She's blonde

Taller than expected

Trouble

I had a conversation with her.. or so I thought

I'm not sure about this but want it more than you'd expect..

I know a relationship 8s work.. I don't know if I'm ready... But I don't know how much longer I should wait.. when is the right time?

She hit a lot of right notes...

I don't want to sabotage something that could be good.. but level set expectations at zero... 

I do want to love someone... 

more proof

 so I'm trying to eat away the time doing something at the moment... I'm trying to occupy my time till I have to get ready.

and I was thinking of maybe if I left earlier I cold grab something to eat over that way in Reseda... and was looking at the reviews of the burekas place and then I rabbit trailed to another burekas place in Sherman Oaks, then for some reason when I was looking at the location thought of Moby Disc. Not really focusing on a specific memory, but that it did have a moment of my time. Then for some reason was sorta butt hurt that I haven't heard back from anyone about the trip details... and for a split second thought of just not going.. seriously just went so what if I'm out of that money.. bfd..

another glimpse at the FUCK YOU ALL side of my demented personality...

hanging from a rafter beam

That's a panic I haven't discussed...

I lost my shit shortly thereafter... I had a moment in the garage sometime after that event... I'm not sure if it was later that night or several days later.. I was hibernating in the garage.. it was the only place I could smoke weed and surf the Internet at the same time.. 2016 I think.. maybe 2015..

I had a breakdown.. thinking of having to save my son.. this 6 foot tall son of mine.. who had everything going for him... But because of the household the way it was.. non communicative... Just accepting the status quo for what it is..

We are not an open up type family to discuss our trauma so to speak... 

These eyes that can't look in...

I lost my shit.. my mind did feel like it did a bit of a soft reset.. like I broke a synaptic connection to what my crumbling reality was. The quake before the quake..

I tried with her one last time in NC.. she said no.. X leaving NC really did a number. Not blaming him for anything...

I don't blame my kids for anything... Seriously.. like 0.. I'm actually shocked.. I was going say a few things but as I tried to recollect I found that I still don't blame them..

Fuck I love them soooo GD much....

catalyst

You think too much....

Doom scrolling Reddit on the toilet... Come across instant ready junk ready nostalgia link about Akira... 

Click the link.. see the characters.. hear the soundtrack... They're going after the clowns..

I think back to seeing the movie with M... Balboa theatre.. 1988.. 

That's what pops in my head... Every single time I am presented with this bit of history.. see the name Akira.. boom.. M.. 1988.. Balboa theatre..

I'm curious about how/why this connection is made.. and other ones as well .

Swiftly

 What is this...

what the fuck is this...

why do i find tears coming to my eyes from a unexpected source...

I thought it would be a cover song.. something whimsically nostalgic. A song that I would have not vested interest in. Yet I was caught up in a voice.. in a sound.. i was caught in a trap... that resonated with me and shines a light on a personal aspect of mine that I have yet to look at.. one that I have neglected more or less.

I've poo poo'd the dramatic in certain ways.. that reminds me of the days f my youth of dressing up and having fun..

Really Taylor Swift.. really.. I mean it does go to show that I do enjoy women, especially their music.

Jesus years

I need to write about my Jesus years... Extensively... 

So many years of searching the wilderness to come up with the reality I had been searching bfor.. the reality based 9f evidence and not rooted in ignorance... For those that frame the morality if humanity is sufficient with those teachings...

So many hours of listening to others just unquestionably fall in line... I get it . I was there...

I started Calvary non-denominational.. but "reasoned" my way to reformation .. Calvin was making sense ... But that spurred what is logic..

voices in my head

 not brown enough

not white enough

it's a new enough

and the lights too dim to not stumble

no habla

just another half bean

no familiarity with my own flesh

I question the being of others

lo siento

looking for the humanity in us all

anger in wisdom

 I'm stumbling to remember what this stoned epiphany is atm. and being angry at wisdom but knowing it's benefits more so now than ever.

I'm having imaginary conversations in my head with P. How I don't think I'll have enough words for it to make sense to her because she lacks the needed experiences to understand them coupled with further education. A) I feel like a smug bastard for thinking that.. one and this should be enough is that I know I'm no better. I have my own reality that I struggle with even knowing what I presume to know is a bit lowly. As here is something that could fundamentally change how a person sees the world, how they see themselves, there entire being. The problem is Humanity is it's own worst enemy.

Cognitive Dissonance doesn't help... neither does being born into a typical dysfunctional family like so many others. The superficial shit that humanity clings to. The illusions that plague us and trap us and warp our minds to a self oppressive reality. Yet I wonder, still.. are we not in a type of hell. One in which is probably the most evil of all. One the appears to be programmed none the less. A species that evolves into a consciousness capable of critical thought. One that is born fully ignorant of the world and must rely on the "local knowledge" to "make it" at some future point in their life. Subsisting off of traditional foods such as chemicals known to cause cancer in laboratory animals and animal products of every fashion that'll have you asking for more. What's more 'Murican than a quadruple bypass!

.....

death is everywhere

Some DM lyrics for inspo

there's more

That saying about how there's more to life when people question their troubles...

More to life than marriage

More to life than success

More to life than relationships

More to life than triumphs or losses

More to life than the now

More to life than tomorrow

More to life than family

More to life than our anxiety

Don't you know that you are a shooting star.. 

Songs on at the bar as I write this...

I think about others experiences... their moment of youth.. of firsts.. 

So I was thinking how or why would energy think or desire something greater than itself or of an imaginary reality better than what currently is?

The explanations that we gave ourselves in humanitys early days... The precursors for religion..  not wanting to be apart... The uncertainty of death and it's finality... These things that fill our humanity that we are so preoccupied with... These conversations we have..the mechanics of existence.. 

thoughts

So young and feral

So young and viral

haze of immediacy

Trying to nap but brain is philosophizing

Trying to figure out what it is that we as humans have a hard time with learning new things.. our limited attention spans and lacking comprehension skills... The difficulty is is to educate younger generations... How that through experience and education comes enlightenment... Having useful resources and a support system benefit in this...

Though it's difficult as we are typically in a focused haze of the now, that we have to stop thinking in the moment when we study or read, we have to divert our energy to that task. Being focused, otherwise our mind will wander to some other topic. Now it's through repetition that we develop that habit. And not sure where this is going .... 

humanity's hypocrisy

 

 

Religious wars over ancestral lands from fictitious minds comes fictitious gods.. fighting over a past that won't let go. the cognitive dissonance is deafening, drowning in our modern ignorance watching the shadows on the wall. The energy of the universe is our core, but we prefer be dead seeds for sake of the norm.

The opening of your being to the reality that is what is presented.

why do i fail constantly... do i commit acts against others that I wouldn't want committed against me... 

this is one of those things... that as much as I disdain organized religion and anything new agey-spiritual woo type crap... but i'm going interject this.

For me my "spiritual" experiences are limited it's not to say that I don't negate that one can feel their humanity and a "connection to the world, and others and the universe" and the variations of that idea. As I've mentioned recently, 1st's are a big part of experiencing one's humanity and "be one with the universe" in a sense, but I also think that as I view my reality via a lens of science and what I understand - big bang -> evolution ->human behavior has similarities to animal behavior -> psychology of humanity -. understanding the physics enough to know we are energy. I am in awe, but too many times when your in Mirkwood and the webs are just everywhere, it's hard to imagine being beyond the forest when you are trying to survive. You are not the lucky burglar, you have no Sting. 

nuclear tears

I find my sorrow immense.   That I miss P

 my old man stage... i hate noise...

i was trying to think of the hospital days.. faces i no longer remember... they are just fading smudges across a landscape... first attempts that never happened... firsts unrequited..

firsts in the room with others... i loved that giant pillow... 

trying to remember the first time at EAP...

michelle.. she tried to sneak in my room so we could do the sneaky deaky... she got caught and I played dumb.. gomen..

as I was in my last few months there.. maybe last month there... I noticed a redhead.. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Red-Haired_Girl

and anytime I see red... she's the number one thing I think about to this day.

Why her? Why this torture? Why... this is the pain that leads me to the questions I ask of this world.

I hate that asking why questions is not helping.. I get that.. I do.. as they typically are of irrational perspective where one should ask the how. How am I always responding to those key memories, why are they so foundational as to when you focus on the moment.. think back about the events... the first is the most addicting substance on this earth... if you could package that and resell it.. you'd make a fortune... why is my brain wired like this..

we are a slave race designed to give 1st's to those with the means... first experience's are fundamental to our development as a species in our comprehension of this reality. They help create a sorta of unaware mental baseline, one that usually has a whole list of prior experiences (education, cultural reinforcements" et al) that provide enough basics that allows one to make something of a decision. Learning to fly... sink or swim.

What our personal cognitive dissonance allows, coupled with education and experience. Note education is both formal and informal. Compared with what we know as a species.

weed yet again

 so I was just railing in my head against the idiocy of myself and of humanity as a whole...

for if we view it as a spectrum, while we are as a species of a type there are variations within, and it's these variations across the spectrum of ideas and knowledge and history and reality, with all that it entails.

The conniving assholes are in charge and they are making money off of you before you are born... and even after you die... you're entire existence is to generate money for someone else.. that is the basis of modern society to work for the benefit of another - aka slavery. Capitalism is slavery. 4 mega corporations are in control of everything. It's sad to see how much we as a society are so afraid of the dark... afraid of change... but I have to look at my own struggles and my own triumphs and see what the evidence says...

Religion is a tool to control the ignorant masses, why else allow it's existence. A type of Enlightenment as discussed in the Enlightenment period and that of one understanding their struggle and the road they have traveled and the history of humanity and of oneself via education, reading books from Antiquity across the globe. Putting forth effort in conquering ones fears. Knowing the ambiguity of it all.. It is known as Sisyphean Enlightenment... because there is no end..

The complexity of life and of humanity in our speech and how that really is an inefficient method of communication. Not too mention the varied tongues and meaning for words and words that can't be translated and the lack of meaning for some words due to use and lack of comprehension that only comes with age?

Are words still meaningful? Why I still struggle as an adult teenager... I don't have patience. I know this, have known this and will probably struggle all my life.. I'm always waiting for the end to come. My whole time spent with other people, it's when is this going to end. Not that I have anything important to attend to, I'm jobless, renting a room, and have nothing going for me. I'm a moron. We'll at least that's how I view myself. Even if I have ideas as to why that is, it's still a struggle to do the bare minimum when I am struggling at existence and the reasons I should continue to suck in air. I'm a drama queen of my own making of my own self. I like to think I have sufficient self awareness skill, but am still amazed when I come to a new conjecture based on new info about my life. I was a latch key kid growing up behind the Orange Curtain in the late 70's.

Everything is a don't expect me to do anything unless I get paid for it... But that would be erroneous to think it's  that simple. Life is not simple.. though we as an ignorant species love to think this the case. It is a system, a cycle, a blip on a scanner.. that's one of these frustrating things I feel at the moment.

I've been an anomaly my whole life. A low end avoid pain and change type person... and very much so to this day. Though I have ideas around how and why we as a species are that way... this is not a how do I fix the world book.. That takes times.. and if I want to be honest about how I'm writing this, it's as viewed through my eyes.. my emotional experiences..

a visual diary.. pop culture... i was gonna go mail those cards... I know I'm a moron..

fakeness

 why do i have imaginary discussions with M? Explaining how she dodged a bullet.

no fucking concept

 was thinking of how my childhood would easily been ADHD labeled if it was this gen.

How most people barely have a jr high level of education and even if you do have a high school education so fucking what, you're still a dumb fucking moron. The public education system in the US has failed every single one of us. Not providing a fundamental grasp on the foundational tools of critical thinking skills, along with varied methods of education better suited to the future (best practices vs OG German Factory Line worker level education. What good is education if it only serves the educators and not those being educated. Humanities needs to be core in this and it takes a village to raise an idiot... evolution even shows us* groups work better when violence is not present. Though this is where I have a conflict at the moment.. 

I was just fantasizing about how we are screwed on this planet and I turned it into some sort of space trading exploration sim. Essentially that if the powers that bee had any fucking wherewithal they would have cut carbon emissions back in the 90's. Yet again we are an oligarchy, why else is it corporations and mobs/mafia/yakuza/triad/cartels that run the worst of humanity's vices, we are fodder for the capitalist machine, everything else is just another illusion in the hellscape that is reality.

 

Any attempt to escape is not possible, we are but mobs. Bits and bots in an ultra realistic world that we experience. One thing... the universe is so big and continues to expand but we can only see so far... other words.. side scrolling... bits and bots..

 

How do we know that our thoughts are our own, how can we know that they are not algorithmically generated. Knowing what we know about neuroscience, physics, biology, genetics, evolutionary biology.

we are thinking seeds of biological energy - depending on our genetics and environment these play a big part in how we develop, what skills we are introduced to, early experiences, specific cultural experiences, et al.

As the universe is made up of energy and that's what all matter is.. then how? why go through these experiences one generation after the next?

For example, why do we generation after generation do the activities that we do? I guess I've sort of learned to dis associate myself from things these days... (insert ominous armchair psychoanalysis)

 

After years and years of counter culture information and science based objectiveness and a fucking healthy dose of philosophy and reality.. balance.

To be in balance is the most you might be able to hope for in the hellscape of reality. We are serving jail time for something why else would you have this rinse and repeat of what the fuck are we doing.. these fucking activities.. we are fucking trapped and these are our outlets...

mental energy trapped in skeletal meat drones.

I miss being good high...

*Placeholder for a more refined thought with link.. there is science that supports this. No method works the same for all, another example of chaos and evolution in action. REALITY! But this sounds like the ravings of a mad man!! muhahhahahaa ha ha -N

1st's

 here we are in my stoned state having an epiphany yet again...

I was having a discussion in my head about how important memories are, and how the 10 - teen years are so fucking big. These are your baby steps into a world of illusion and you've been sold a bill of goods. So many first experiences and the paths "we choose" don't always correlate to the future "you are here now" sign.

1st's hold so much space in our heads...

 

1sts are the foundation on what the world is like... it's typically how we navigate life via trial & error.. I find myself being hit pretty hard by this as I write it out. I think f all the early firsts in my life.. Music.. Adventure.. delinquency... sex.. regrets.. but c'est la vie. Having an understanding of life.. the balance.. there is a balance.. Capitalism is the poison of humanity.. it's feeds the gluttonous greed of humanity...

that's what makes this reality a dystopia.. so many thoughts around this...

Why do we have the following concepts in storytelling and in documented day to day human experiences.

 

Concepts such as good/evil, yes/no, on/off - binary states.. why do we as a species gravitate towards this?

Wanting for a better reality... haven/hell,

Karma/Seasonal-Cyclical (Reincarnation) beliefs 

 

 

                I get the flashy flashy boomy boomy...  - reflecting on my youth and what drove me.

(((not it.. I segued somewhere... in the ether now... again..- actually i found it see above..)))

1 Binary thought simplicity - Humanity is a creature of habit, and simplistic drives that most are unaware that drives every living organism on this planet - physiological processes. While we also pick up on patterns and are capable of "advanced thought", we typically keep these neurological functions to decision making to a minimum. -- links

2 We've been brainwashed since birth -  You only know what you know today and can read about what happened yesterday, but the future is just a repeat of today We as a species only accept what we can understand, so how would you know if something is true or not?

(we don't teach kids how to think and that is why we struggle as a species - we place so much emphasis on backwards customs and traditions that haphazardly get passed on from one dysfunctional ignorant family to the next. Having full knowledge is key, knowing how to have the skills to critical analyze the writing style and characteristics of quality sound logic vs rantings of hear say and disinformation.

Having a clear understanding ( why am I so full of doubt... )

How do we know what we know...

 

 

(((((Lots of of all over the place in this one....))))

Berlin

 So I'm more or less giving Berlin to P... it's her and honestly even though it precluded her by at least 4 years I honestly can't really associate it anymore to anyone before her...

Except for Debbie... Teen Love.. in Newport Hospital. 85? Metro... i wrote her name with hearts.. it was serious...

I blame the Pink article... about PB coming out  to play that song.. Heartbreaker - Benetar

So damn nostalgic these days... Why am I fixated on P?

at the bar

The familiar disassociation of seeing those familiar faces in different places on different faces...

Sounds of the days before singing their anthems in my ear... High on good old times of a drug from long ago... Gone and never to return...

Let the midnight special shine a light on me...

Laughs and noise

Darts off the board and shots on the floor..

Forgotten days... So many songs... So many more.. (weak)..

weed saves again?!?!?

 drugs.. mind altering chemicals that help get one through the day.

Those who can make it through this world perfectly motivated to go about it sober, hat's off!

I've tried sobriety, and sorry.. I'm a miserable fuck when I am. Sober and getting my brain to calm down was impossible, I will say that if I don't stay focused on a single task when I'm high I will still wander, but when I'm high I'm more likely to produce more content. Consistantly-ish... most of the time. But that's not including the usual cycle of productivity. Which has me doing this self flagellation bullshit.. plus it just made me realize that I need a therapist....

side note about words...

I was having an imaginary scenario play out in my head about some sort of official setting in where I go on in sort of a similar fashion as I am writing this but verbally to a group or person, on the concept of how language is really a poor means of communication. Though language it meant to convey how one person is experiencing reality to another in a set of standards and rules, it still lacks one of the key things just as much as the verbal aspect and that is the emotional aspect. 

Like most things in life surrounding the human experience, understanding and comprehension are key elements to our reality and are foundational to the structure of most modern human spoken languages. Linguistics is foundational in this as are scores other language related education opportunities. It is a fundamental fixture to the reality we all share. A truth and a fact.

Yet there is more to this than words, or letters, or grammar, or the evolution of these. Context matters, the historical and modern meanings of words serve purpose in their comprehension and understanding so that one may become more than proficient, they could educate others because of their knowledge. 

Comprehension, how do you not only know how the word is spelled and to use in a sentence. There is a personal connection to this word. This word has been used so many times where you have questioned it's meaning through a myriad of personal experiences. This level of understanding is around a particular word, for example let's use the word love. Actually any word that is typically charged socially or historically or any combo, though typically mentioned via the public as being over used and having no meaning. The opposite of the word works as well, example truth and lie, the age old arguments of always tell the truth and never tell a lie - except sometimes. See how there seems to be exceptions sometime this situation warrants I use words in this manner versus one that could cause trouble for yourself or others.

Love in English this word has multiple uses, but immediately your mind has gone through a number of situations where you have experienced this word and how that word can hold different levels of emotional connection depending on the context. Love for your favorite comfort food versus that first crush you had growing up, while both hold intense emotional connections I'm sure one holds a stronger emotional connection, this is where we hopefully have this distinction we've developed an emotional connections to the events in our lives and through the education of the meaning, grammar, usage, etc. of the word, we need to live it and experience it's meaning through others as well. Events, situations..

another reason as to the low self esteem

 my 47 year (45 more likely) infatuation...

i still remember her smell.. that touch.. her being.. damn she is a drug I have never been able to kick... 

and this... state that I am swimming in of chaos and nostalgia of this non reality... that burns..

she'll probably see that

 I was stalking M again... Psych Furs came on the radio... they'll always be her band, she made me a mix tape many moons ago, now lost to time from who knows when.

I adopted her way of handwriting the letter A from a letter she wrote me from when I was a teen...

fuck my heart aches for a time long gone... and my inability to get over her... but I feel it's more of a moment that I'm trapped... anchored to.

don't let the past be an anchor...

but why does life seem that's all it is..  how many stories have I read about the lament of the old for the wasting... bad choices of youth.. the shoulda woulda coulda's...

too too too too too too too many regrets... but that's what makes for character development..

the emptiness of life.. the wasted opportunities.. ignorance and hormones.. these tears do not satiate my anguish...

i moron

 i get myself worked up on my own moronic shit...

this.. I KNOW HOW TO DO IT... and I'm wrong or I miss something.. etc.. I make other peoples day farkakte...

intrusive thoughts

 Sometimes they are funny but most of the time they are macabre.

adhd

 confirmation bias

just putting that up there as a reminder.

Have been stumbling across a great many things regarding autism and adhd as of late that shine a light on myself and my own tribulations.

The problem is self diagnosis. Well.. somewhat, I'm sitting here thinking of the following..

How can you fix a problem, unless you identify the problem?

Though a part of me goes, is it a bug or a feature?

What's with this passive revelation shit also, where I'm not looking for information or revelation during my routine of "rinse and repeat" slackadasical behavior. Trying not to stay in the bog of depressing self deprecating swampville of self loathing. Yet I'm constantly here and I get annoyed with myself that I'm unable to get out of this predicament. 

Therapy or talking to someone seems fine and dandy, but I also feel like I'm a bit over that, well let me explain a bit more.. I'm over it in the sense that I have this inferiority/superiority complex attitude about it.

On the one hand I recognize fundamentally the need for it, but also I think I've reached this point that I just find find someone who can help me. Not saying that all the therapists in the past didn't help, it's just I don't see myself at this point in my life where I "assume" a level of understanding about myself and behaviors that other can be of benefit and yet I'm reminded of the two words above.

See? I know I'm an idiot, but yet I have this propensity towards others who I perceive to be less aware to be less than, I can't involve my time with them. I don't want answers from those who aren't capable of seeing the big picture - sorry if this sounds stuck up...

Synonyms of stuck-up (adj. snobbish)

    arrogant.
    big-headed.
    cocky.
    conceited.
    condescending.
    egotistic.
    haughty.
    high-and-mighty.

Like I said.. I'm aware. I'm not that intelligent nor am I anything special... aside from short bus special.

I've encountered some really pieces of shit humans in my lifetime, some I remember some I've forgotten. I know the how's and why's as to this spectrum of humanity is. Evolution.

The oppression that humans perpetuate upon themselves. Humanity is a cancer to this planet and nothing short of mass extinction will it end. Yet this is the reality we find ourselves in. the unrelenting cycles, seasons, day in day out repetition of small changes over time... the spectrum of life.

 

but that's my adhd brain going off on a tangent. 

this makes me sad

https://old.reddit.com/r/ContagiousLaughter/comments/16xc9uv/unexpected_in_so_many_ways/

Im sad at this as I don't get this experience... I can imagine it.. but I definitely feel like I'm missing out on this ..

Im sad that I feel as if there's this alternate world that those I care about are stuck.. or I should say there are all these assumptions I have... though it's based on personal perspective and anecdotal experiences..   the empty nest.. w a spouse who is quirky and silly and a bit abrasive yet aware of words and how to use them.. or so I imagine.

maryilyn

Wednesdays club

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PKAGYj3DX2o&pp=ygUSNDUgZ3JhdmUgcGFydHl0aW1l

this is a good version.. check them all out and the movie

do you wanna party..

45 Grave

Off to Gothic club

no se

 yo no se

why am i even writing this at the moment.

I find myself flicking the door stopper of life atm... again and again...

I don't want to think about shit, because as soon as I do it's just another fucking spiraling moment. Down that rabbit hole of nostalgia, regrets, laments, and the same drama queen melodramatic bullshit. I go into this tunnel vision of thoughts and actions. to avoid and ignore the shit show that i am experiencing.

My reaction is to lash out at my surroundings.. but that is pointless. I'm not doing.. and it's my own fault?

i don't know how many more calls i can do for jobs that barely come in or submit another fucking resume..

i'm frustrated because I feel like there is this moment I am in that if I could get a new perspective I don't think I'd be whining as much as I am. That stress and anxiety that just fucking clouds my mind constantly..

I keep having fantastical ideas of stepping outside my comfort zone... ideas of doing something different and new.. but I wake up the next day and say no.

need sleep.. which is all i seem to be attempting these days and even that is difficult to achieve. Which i could sleep like when I was younger... not bothered by noise or the pain in my body that is just beginning..

death is constantly a shadow reminder these days... i think bout it.. not in a how to act it out.. well yeah.. but I dismiss it.. I question why I have this desire to live.. why is it so self serving? I look around me and I find nothing worthwhile... tv.. movies.. music.. reading.. interests.. my habits.. i question them.. but they also help to keep me here for the time being.. which is another thing.. having decent weed the other week helped my mind set a bit.. but I can't afford good weed. not too mention i need to be a bit more productive.. but not like i have been lately without it.

always something there to remind me....

 totally got fucked up with thoughts of Mr Chop Chop..

out of nowhere I had Mr Chop Chop pop in my head.. bacnk n forth.. back n forth.. LA - NY non stop

and googled it.. found a r/orangecounty post with some comments.. but the video of the band with the mr chop chop song..

being sung at the fairgrounds.. in the hanger.. 

i'm getting really tired of waking up and just feeling miserable because I go down these trails.. because i have nothing better to do than feel sorry for myself?

grief

I need to make a post about grief

drunken texts

 I write this after the fact, but in essence nothing was as dramatic as the this title. Now I'll will admit my buffoonery freely, but this is not one of those cases. This is years of experience that have brought me to a enlightened drunken state these days.. well aside from the alcohol, the other substances probably helped play a part in this as well. The story is this.. another night, another night at the club, another night of trying to have a good time, because well the good times don't last.

There was a theme that night for the music.. a foundational band to my identity in many ways, to how I felt, to how I viewed relationships and how I found an outlet.

I write this struggling to find the words, and my mind is feeling very tired at the moment. I want to use simpler language. Another night at the club, another night I'm reminded of the past. This night was a reminder of P and a revelation about her.

Yet even as I write this, post haze, I find this revelation to be in doubt. I doubt my conclusion because I doubt my reality. For years the Cure was my being, the music was my anthem, my language translator to the world. Granted that world was of a disturbed teen without a single fucking clue to the world around him, because the world in my head was all that I could see or hear. At 13 I was introduced to someone who would eventually become my first love... from there everyone else was just a comparison. A pale comparison... hormones and physiology can really do a number on a kid who already had a tumultuous upbringing. 

Then I get married, married and still dreaming of the first one. Always dreaming about the first one. (I have some other thoughts around this and the cruelty of reality). Let me try to minimize this drama...

While inebriated and thinking of my past, songs tied with so much emotion and history assault my synapses. I'm in a decent mode, as the drink and drugs seem to hold back what I fully well know to be an avalanche of historical emotions. I drunkingly text P - a timed text for her to call me when she can after she gets off work. I think i realized something that I had poo poo'd for so long... how I really feel about her.

I think it was through hearing certain fucking songs, that I realized that I did love her or I should say I loved her for a moment in time. As who she was then, but that would also point to me being different as well.

I'm glad I didn't write some long winded drunk text with this... because I know it would fall on deaf ears. Also I don't need to nor do I think she should be a sounding board for my emotional instability about our history. That ship as sailed and it's just as on fire as the one I'm on.

lost cause

The depression is in high gear at the moment. There's this thing if identified that has me thinking more on it...

I have a hard time with my broken mental state and more so with others as well. I struggle with people, I don't really want to be around groups so much. I go out.. I do things . But now it really seems like it is all forced especially with those I know and fam as well. I think about the dynamics of my childhood and the childhood of my kids. I really am having a difficult time seeing anything worthwhile or anything resembling a future worth having. 

This illusion of life with all its bullshit and subterfuge that is built in at physiological and biological levels pisses me off to no end. All this bullshit I get distracted with... that humanity is distracted with as well. The coping mechanisms and cognitive dissonance compounded by our ignorance... again I have questions about how and why we react or behave towards the situations that make up our days.

It's harder to build than destroy

It's harder to love than to hate

It's easier to keep ones life simple but there are caveats... the circumstances are not apples to apples. No two snowflakes are a like, or a zebra stripes.

Nuance, context

Comprehension is very much a part of this all .

pig whistle

So Im blogging atm on the orange line.. 

I've had a double.. triple of whiskey.. damn that shit is good

So obs

I'm in a much better mood than I was before.. is this the reason.. or one of the reasons why substances are so pursued..

If I am being honest.. I know there is this magic composition of substances that I feel make me into who my ideal is.. regardless of preconceptions.. Bukowski might be an influence.

When if had some.. whatever it is.. in the correct proportions.. life seems enjoyable.

That's sad in some respects.. but is it.. I question what is acceptable and not.. I find myself questioning "logic" as of late.. there seems to be something missing.. and I'm looking..

But tonight is fun... Shrooms alcohol fueled and then some.. F U N

entertainment

Why is it so difficult for me to find something entertaining these days...

I think I'm approaching a cliff here mentally.

Less than 2.2k left on UI.

No job prospects in the pipe atm.

And being broke asf is really dragging down my mental state. Hopefully tomorrow night is entertaining... It was last time.

Coming to terms with how bad my ADHD is.. not helping. My anxiety seems to be building. Google maps just triggers me in realizing how home bound I am.... 

I miss going places... Even if local to So Cal.

Economy is about to take a massive dump.

While I'd like to say things are what they are (c'est la vie), that is... History doing what it does. Cycles of life... That doesn't help.

I need to ..

?

At this point I really don't have a clue... At this point I'm unable to even decide shit.

talk about the weather

Those are lyrics from some 80s song...

But the drizzly overcast weather today was awesome... In spite of the depressive moment.

intrusive thoughts

Sitting in the bus, heading back from 99 Ranch.

Death, chaos come knocking on my door.

Driving by the Arco where my car got repoed and trying not to think about all the depressing moments thereafter.

Trying to find reason in sucking in air still. Railing against "logic", and wanting to put my head through this window or my fist. Wanting to scream at the top of my lungs.

I might be crungy... Cranky/hungry

Use hangry in your missives.

I wanted dim sum.. but wasn't an option. All other food would have taken too long.

So a mediocre donut 🍩 it was. 2 fucking bucks for a donut.

No pho either.. passed on crazy chicken 🐔... Teriyaki was closed..

Going home.. but heading back out. Need that adapter... Cheaper than a new cable..

Fud?

once again

How in the fuck is my default blog changing...

Going to post and finding my blog of choice not my blog of choice .. harumphf

Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables

 When I was about11 maybe 10, my brother had a cassette with the following bands on it; Dead Kennedy's, Suicidal Tendencies, and I can't remember if it was the Vandals or Black Flag as well. Thing is punk was everywhere even in the suburbs back then. Hell Vandals are an OC band...

I used to have the military jacket the army type, canvas, solid green. The ones you'd see in most war films... I know that doesn't help.

Anywho... I remember being a kid and writing band names on it, I had this skull with a spiked hawk on it I think.. sooooo long ago. There was a hat I had in 6th grade that I wrote band names on as well. Flock of Seagulls.. and BT's... which stood for bong tokes. The funny thing is I don't think I had smoked just yet when I wrote this on the hat. Though it certainly got the older kids (my bro's age) giggling.

1983... I want to say that's the time frame so it would be 10.. but more likely 84.. thing is I think I was in Fullerton at this time..just before El Toro..

I would come back to writing band names on a jacket when I was 17/18...  that black fleece lined levi jacket i had... japanese Bauhaus.. sister's logo.. xymox? and don't know what else the cure maybe.. soooo long ago.. things I recall but just vaguely..

DK was a staple on KROQ... Holiday in Cambodia was played.. California Uber Alles... Viva Las Vegas..

11:01 on a Sunday night...

 I was thinking of what I needed to do for tomorrow. Grocery bullshit mostly, and then thought of how I did ok (maybe better than ok - I suck at positive self assessments) with this bit o'melancholia as of late... 

- side note.. I've noticed I get a bit worked up around the big lotto jackpots.. I know there are a lot of biological-synaptic occurrences going on as they relate to the "anticipation of things" and despite knowing this still get a big despondent that I have to work like the rest of the prole.. FUFUFUCCCKKK

so there's that. Needless to say I had to medicate myself in multiple ways.. which I'm not really a fan of. I don't like long recovery times these days... shrooms is a day or two.. alcohol I can usually pace myself not to be belligerent drunk hungover as all hell the next day. Not to say I won't drink that night, I just know how to pace myself.. more or less. Other recreational items as they come... or are available.. not nearly as fun these days.

Weed is the current things that helps to keep me sane atm.. but again I will question this till the cows come home. I firmly believe (until proven otherwise) that there's the combo of nature and nurture, genetics & environment - but most importantly the lack of a stable structural foundation needed for ones live.

The thing is... I see the current world for what it is.. the totality of human evolution to date.. I have the big picture (is that an illusion?) from what I can tell science provides.. 

The WILD careless recklessness of humanity's self discovery through the ages must be domesticated, and until that happens you will not have any lasting meaningful change. Then again I also think this is a simulation of a sort.. that we are programmed to fulfill our programming.

That's the Eastern philosophy/culture influence (my guess) around destiny and fate and chance and luck. Coupled with modern science thought as well...

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/are-we-living-in-a-computer-simulation/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simulation_hypothesis

And a quick skim tells me I need to read more on this... part of me wants to go "FUCK THAT if Elon likes it!"

What I miss...

 When movies and television were bereft of cgi.

on a side note...

I'm trying to remember this cheesy movie from the 90's, it was this cult flick about a young couple and there zany young couple adventure. Filled with sex, drugs, and rock & roll. I think it had the word blue in the title.. but I can't find it on the internet atm.

are our times what we need

So you'd have to be very unaware and or disconnected from reality for the 99% of us who do the actual work that makes this planet run..

Started with every country outside developed ones, because well that's where the developed countries have set up shop. We just finalize end products.

I'm no fan of our current societal systems that put a stranglehold on humanity actually being free instead of surviving in this dystopian hell scape because, well... We've built it up to here, continuously fighting against the corruption that is humanity.  

So there's this concept in evolutionary thought called punctuated equilibrium.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punctuated_equilibrium

I have this running idea that just as we are bound by the constraints of evolution so to is what we do in life. Long periods of stasis disrupted by sudden change.. how we adapt is another story.

took me long enough

 So this is something that I think is where I'm at... that is to say have you asked yourself what do i want to do, what is it that drives me to want to do things...

I like to help.. why the fuck do I like to help.. I liked volunteering... some places were a bit more gratifying than others but all in all volunteering was what helped me mentally...

but that's volunteering.. running a business is not volunteering... however i think there are some related correlations that could be enough to qualify for me to want to do it more than the other shit I have been doing...

how the fuck

Tried to post something and it went to a diff blog..

not that word

So it "bothers" me that I have to do drastic shit to effect change.. but I think that's reality..

Feeling like shit and really want to die...

And resorting to alcohol to change mood somewhat... But figure I'm going out.. clubbing that is!

Good choices yet again...

Pace yo'self! Hydrate! Think of the pain tomorrow brings.. plan!

a doctor and cancer

 2 stories..

I'm really wanting to find better descriptors for this moron from the bar last night who I'm just unable to process that shit for.. I mean I get it.. I get the HEAR ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY OPINION...

 

Just absolutely cannot deal with those people...

 

and today reading about an oncology doctor killing her baby and herself...

 

I'm thinking what level of fucked up you get to where that's your choice... I'm talking about look at all the bullshit you had to get through to get to being a doctor in NYC...  that's a one of those ones that makes you empathize/sympathize with on how they got to that choice.

fomo keeps me alive

I was mentally jerking into the ether about my unconscious conscious efforts at psycho analyzing Pam's short comings once again... why do I continue to look at that ... What is it about my inferiority that I dwell on her as I do...

Is it some fakatka cursed reverse tsundere situation? I'm not attracted or again is it this "life's an illusion" bullshit that I'm contending with...

So I was saying fomo keeps me alive... Because the more I look at it - life that is (is reason a coping mechanism) and see the illusions that are forced upon this reality, it's a feature not a bug. The evolutionary forces to survive... Why. Considering the bittersweet actuality as it is.

Coping mechanisms...  Considering the 4 Fs... What are the supporting behaviors?? Are there pre cursor behaviors... I know the brain starts well ahead of when we think we are aware...

Road map... It's always a reaction to the environment...  I should finish that Tolle book.. but I'm a bit turned off at it atm... 

Thinking hard... Not wanting to be an echo chamber... I need to develop my people skills... I dislike people in general... 

Baby lizard 🦎

change

I was thinking about the stress as of late... The number of changes .. and then it sorta hit me..

When I've been in these situations before.. and had a job I weathered it out... Not working.. declining health..

Any change these days seems to set me off... Fuck anything sets me off or could... Sets me off.. mentally in a spiral...

The fact I need to change PCPs has me upset ...

But it's ever present... Trying to ignore shit is getting difficult...  I hate these aspects of my particular humanity... The want to be near and away people at the same time... I don't know how to relax around others... What does one do in the company of people they'd rather not be around but sorta maybe I don't know...

Soo many topics...

So I needed that little walk...

I first wanted to lament my problems and was struggling on how insignificant that was... The got on this other thought about if there exists a perfect answer is there also a perfect imperfect answer . Which lead to extremes and polarized topics of thoughts... So that lead me to ask a Google question and now I'm here in Xenia paradox and the one of dichotomy...

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeno%27s_paradoxes

Is reality just that... Evolution is this mechanism in which we suffer for no discernable reason or one that is readily available... Let alone one that is comprehensible.  

So are we in some sort of I'm trying to fix the light bulb lois situation?

Reality is what you make it... 

Though you are a product of genetics and environment... But is that part of the broader program aka reality. The trauma we experience and mete out on others... I regret my actions... It's not something I am proud of at all.. I struggle with seeing the value in myself let alone others... I am not a cheerleader so to speak.. I do not have a nurturing aspect... But I have gone out of my way to help others.. though I know I keep others at bay.. constantly... I don't do interpersonal relationships... I get too neurotic..

is that why old people don't go out..

That every old song reminds me them of a moment, so if you don't want to be triggered then don't go out...

Holy shit... I have to think if songs NOT TO PLAY otherwise it's an absolute trigger... But still 2000 songs really are a minefield.. I find myself being too drunk to make a salient comment..

3 plus un

That should be 3 plus in ..

I'm here try to relieve a long gone moment and it hit me as I wrote this. .... 

The bars with Barb.. those earlier years... Holy shit.. really having and adjust moment atm..  

20 years reflective is a bitch...

I'm at this point that I can't write. This and look back and try not bawl my eyes out over the past.. but  I don't dont want to be a stereotypical drunk .. but that's proving difficult...

mere

Here is my plea...

DM aside from that one album is for Mere...

kristi

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/It%27s_Been_Awhile

Apparently this song reminds me of Kristi Daniels... I'm sorry that went south.. I was in love with her but kids was a red line.

monotony

I'm staring at my phone... The monotonous thoughts of how many times have I done this .. the constant notion of boredom and exhaustion and feeling done.

I feel the ailments voice there opposition at my being awake .. if it wasn't such a pain in the ass.. but this pain is something I think I endure in place of greater pain...

I don't fucking know... I'm tired. Grouchy depressed done..

Trying not to think of zero sum shit...

Funny

 What I find humorous....