no se

 yo no se

why am i even writing this at the moment.

I find myself flicking the door stopper of life atm... again and again...

I don't want to think about shit, because as soon as I do it's just another fucking spiraling moment. Down that rabbit hole of nostalgia, regrets, laments, and the same drama queen melodramatic bullshit. I go into this tunnel vision of thoughts and actions. to avoid and ignore the shit show that i am experiencing.

My reaction is to lash out at my surroundings.. but that is pointless. I'm not doing.. and it's my own fault?

i don't know how many more calls i can do for jobs that barely come in or submit another fucking resume..

i'm frustrated because I feel like there is this moment I am in that if I could get a new perspective I don't think I'd be whining as much as I am. That stress and anxiety that just fucking clouds my mind constantly..

I keep having fantastical ideas of stepping outside my comfort zone... ideas of doing something different and new.. but I wake up the next day and say no.

need sleep.. which is all i seem to be attempting these days and even that is difficult to achieve. Which i could sleep like when I was younger... not bothered by noise or the pain in my body that is just beginning..

death is constantly a shadow reminder these days... i think bout it.. not in a how to act it out.. well yeah.. but I dismiss it.. I question why I have this desire to live.. why is it so self serving? I look around me and I find nothing worthwhile... tv.. movies.. music.. reading.. interests.. my habits.. i question them.. but they also help to keep me here for the time being.. which is another thing.. having decent weed the other week helped my mind set a bit.. but I can't afford good weed. not too mention i need to be a bit more productive.. but not like i have been lately without it.