drunken texts

 I write this after the fact, but in essence nothing was as dramatic as the this title. Now I'll will admit my buffoonery freely, but this is not one of those cases. This is years of experience that have brought me to a enlightened drunken state these days.. well aside from the alcohol, the other substances probably helped play a part in this as well. The story is this.. another night, another night at the club, another night of trying to have a good time, because well the good times don't last.

There was a theme that night for the music.. a foundational band to my identity in many ways, to how I felt, to how I viewed relationships and how I found an outlet.

I write this struggling to find the words, and my mind is feeling very tired at the moment. I want to use simpler language. Another night at the club, another night I'm reminded of the past. This night was a reminder of P and a revelation about her.

Yet even as I write this, post haze, I find this revelation to be in doubt. I doubt my conclusion because I doubt my reality. For years the Cure was my being, the music was my anthem, my language translator to the world. Granted that world was of a disturbed teen without a single fucking clue to the world around him, because the world in my head was all that I could see or hear. At 13 I was introduced to someone who would eventually become my first love... from there everyone else was just a comparison. A pale comparison... hormones and physiology can really do a number on a kid who already had a tumultuous upbringing. 

Then I get married, married and still dreaming of the first one. Always dreaming about the first one. (I have some other thoughts around this and the cruelty of reality). Let me try to minimize this drama...

While inebriated and thinking of my past, songs tied with so much emotion and history assault my synapses. I'm in a decent mode, as the drink and drugs seem to hold back what I fully well know to be an avalanche of historical emotions. I drunkingly text P - a timed text for her to call me when she can after she gets off work. I think i realized something that I had poo poo'd for so long... how I really feel about her.

I think it was through hearing certain fucking songs, that I realized that I did love her or I should say I loved her for a moment in time. As who she was then, but that would also point to me being different as well.

I'm glad I didn't write some long winded drunk text with this... because I know it would fall on deaf ears. Also I don't need to nor do I think she should be a sounding board for my emotional instability about our history. That ship as sailed and it's just as on fire as the one I'm on.