Sobering thought

she may die if i came forward with wanting a divorce..

the stroke... it really changes things.

Honestly not the same

Here is another example... I know the dishwasher can be loaded better than what it is.. She knows it.. But yet.. Another example of her not being the same. It may sound petty, but it really is just another in the same not same... About Pam.

She doesn't think things through like she used to.

Another one of those moments

So the incident at that Xmas party was the trigger... I had a similar moment again tonight....

That's frequent...  Being mindful... Taking note..

You are out..

Not sure how to put this in words.. I feel anger at this point... Yep.. Looking at you.. Anger..

I'm moving forward alone. This is my last chance...

Pull up the covers...

I think a long time ago I made a mixtape with a title like this one...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHiPpXaoBDw&feature=youtu.be

Sometimes I even amuse myself....

So talking about the kitchen cabinets that need to be redone.

Started talking about wood and she mentions rock maple.

Then one of the kids said it sounds like a Canadian. Then I thought... dude.. have Wil Ferrell play a Canadian P.I. named Rock Maple.

I laughed.. (more like an inside giggle but hey..)

Han dies first

That's my prediction for the new movies... Han will be the first to die.

Though I doubt I'll go see them.. What is this.. what is this lack of concern or care for what was a big part of my childhood??

Hmmm.. I guess I've just come to a point in my life where I've consumed as much as I can about pop culture and don't give a rat's ass..

It really is interesting at how much I have changed... While I still watch a lot of anime... read an occasional manga... I don't really have anything left that would be considered juvenile in my habits.. to some extent. Then again I'm not on the outside looking in. I definitely take my time to research on things.. though that doesn't always work for the best.

Whether it be phones or appliances or cruises or whatever... I'm not going to overreact to something (I hope) that it's meaningless..

The news movies are a good indicator of that... I may have stood out in line for them.. but honestly... don't really care.. am I interested.. sure I guess so.. just because I was so horribly let down with that turdlogy of prequels... I just have a good idea that it will be on par with the rebooted Star Trek.. but either way... it'll make a ton of money.

Resentment

I'm currently going through some serious resentment feelings at the moment.... feelings that I really are bullshit at the moment.

I guess... I'm really holding on to this at the moment and part of me just wants to bail and start a new.

This is the adult tantrum...

And no I haven't had anything as of yet today... I'm getting to the point of screaming at people...

I don't like my situation... and while I think I'm working on stuff or towards stuff... I'm having this moment of growing impatience...

Maybe I'm reading too much into shit... that's not it... it's a this compounding of issues that I'm unable to deal with... I'm pissed... at me..

For instance I want to hurl this laptop into oblivion...

the fucking touchpad is off center, so the edge of my palm/thumb cause the cursor to move from time to time...

GGRRGRRGRGRGRGRGRGGRGR

fucking pissed... but for no good reason.. and I have a gnarly headache again... today.. so tired of this BS...

Tired of everyone... especially the people in this house...  but that's just the resentment talking...

Sure if I didn't stick my dick in everything that moved way back when I may not be in this situation... then again if I had parents... see how this game works...

Resentment is a never ending street to nowhere...

This is one of those I want to quit moments... to add to the long fucking list of wanting to quit moments...

And honestly I don't know why this is fucking me up so much at the moment...

I see the melancholy on the horizon..

soo fucking god damned tired all the time... and what the fuck is this feeling of being held back or holding back??

Whats up doc?

All these years and Bugs is a recognized influence for classical music, modern day satire, what's wrong with the U.S. and so much more.

Albuquerque... Rancho Cucamonga....

Hey look its a dead horse...

Fuck getting old... Seriously... Not doing well with mirrors.. Even with the weight loss.. I think especially from the weight loss... Maybe stress.. I don't know.. Maybe not.. Again.. Don't have a good yearly health record going.

Wanting Japanese food... Again... Sushi this time.. But the CA crap.. Vs the better traditional stuff.

Or some onigiri.. Hmm.. Oh.. Still have to make takoyaki.. Maybe this weekend... On top of the Indian.. Good.. Been wanting some..

Unprecedented surprise

I like unique phrases... Things that I hear or read at the moment. The title is from an anime.. Maken-ki.. Last episode..

Another one I heard the other day was Jello Biafra, lead singer for the original line up of DK.

There's no punk rock in Nebraska.

Love that one.

That's from the Urgh Its a Music War Soundtrack..

I love these cheesy ecchi harem anime.. Tskune! Mocha!

Let me sleep on it... baby baby... let me sleep on it... I'll give you an answer in the morning...

Sleep... no this is not a ST:TNG episode... but something that is probably the best advice I have ever had and will say is the best I will ever give.

Yesterday was a horrible day... I was an emotional wreck on so many levels. Really depressed.. just read yesterday's post.

So as soon as I got home I went to bed. I wasn't in any capacity to properly think let alone function in a capable manner.

Today I woke up... not despondent but just like every other day.. normal...  but completely aware of how I was the day before.  And just like that.. a new day unfolded.. and it was a good day.

and I really like this Meatloaf song..

WHO THE FUCK AM I?!?!?!

I had to make that title... I'm not in a good spot at the moment. Mentally that is.. I get the impression that I'm making things to be bigger than they are.

With that said... I really fell like things are shit at the moment... (with a part of me knowing how irrational I can be).

This is the first I've been depressed like this in quite a while... the irrational kind of depression.

This is the I don't fell like waking up kind.. the I don't really want to take another step kind...

This is the not being able to see any light from anywhere kind...

The irrational kind that I have had way too much experience with all my life.

What is this crippling fear of life that I have... this fear that seems to over take me in so many activities...  I'm having a hard time with this... even knowing of how irrational I am... there are things about this nature that still surprise me... especially how effective it is.

It seems like things will never get better... I feel trapped. What makes matter worse... is there never seems to be a "right" answer... it's always just an answer... which can't be either right or wrong.. it's just an answer because no one fucking knows.

We have an idea on things... we can measure things... but in the end it's still just a data driven answer.. there is no right or wrong in the data.

I hate being here...  (this space in my head...)

Knowing that I know nothing

Some days are better than others.. and today is not a better day. It's one of those fucked up days that I don't want to do a thing and in fact would rather just crawl back under a bed and sleep my life away.

My stress levels are getting annoying to say the least. Not to mention my patience levels being non existent at the moment.... to varying degrees or situations.

This ugly aspect of my personality is trying to rear it's head again... a last huzzah? Retribution?

Which is why I'm writing.. is this the emotional result of the past months... the start and stop of plans and all that it entails. Trying to plan for the future and all I see are roadblocks after roadblocks.. I hate days like this.. I hate how my focus gets distracted by what goes on in my head.

I don't like being in a position where I feel like things are pointless... despite knowing full well everything really is pointless..

In the grands scheme of it all.. I make no difference... in all the totality of the cosmos... my life is insignificant... my life.. my actions.. those around me... I'm on an island in space inhabited with the rest of the global population of hairless space monkey's fighting over scraps and who's fairy tale is more real than the other.

Despite the meaninglessness of it all.. I still drive towards something... is it my lack of confidence.. to some extent I would say yes.. but it's almost crippling... this fear of doing... doing what though? I get freaked out over projects at work that I know I can do.. I get freaked out over things not going as they should... now this is a the problem as it's so ambiguous..

Once Bakemon!!!

So after just finishing day 11... (ass kicker..) 12 is another ab day... I have to view each day as a monster to defeat.... yes as cheesey as hell as that is.. that's part of my motivation... why should I grow up? just because I'm expected to.. fuck that shit...  I'm still bothered but my response earlier... or I should say me at this moment is bothered by how I felt earlier with the Pamelot... no es bueno.. she thinks she's done?? Heh... get in line with the rest..

I need to get into kick ass shape... just because.. because I want to.. I get one last shot at all of this.. and now is the last ship before I get to complacent to do jack shit... I need to come up with a business plan on the monthly box subscription shit.

I need more info... too soon... but the domain was a have to.. I like the name anyhow. I have a number of options.. and a year to just sit on the domain.. or buy a few more years.. we'll see. Many opportunities with the domain to just be settled on one.. could be very marketable... it's short and kitschy...


Update - 2019-06-03

So not anywhere near.. and about 50 lbs heavier once this was posted.

Ideas that keep floating on by.. nothing that I see to work for.. but we'll see.. I'd like to think there is something in the works.. but who knows. Will this be another failed attempt at putting thoughts on paper. Another bout of wishful thinking... crushed by depression or life or lack of stick to itiveness.

Left road or right road

So I've been dwelling on a topic for a bit lately... Am I done being married or is this just another one of my mental freak outs that I always would go through when I couldn't get my way.

I have to say no to the latter... I'm not that person I was in so many ways. Then again I'm still that same ol person.

Why is is different this time around?

Years... experiences... events..

We managed to get past 90% of all the BS that has occurred.. however that doesn't go without saying that people won't change over time.

Honestly I can't even think properly on this at the moment.. my head is feeling very flustered at the moment... a big haze that seems to never come into focus and the thoughts are a bit racing.

My initial thoughts as to why is not that I've changed so much... but the other person has. Though isn't this something that we take into account when we get married. Sure when it happened I was "doing the right thing"... but these ideas are antiquated beyond belief. Sad to see my own kid go through some of this at the moment.

I'm noticing a certain someone acting very codependent or I'm reading into things... I'm trying to keep my perspective not so skewed. It's rather difficult at the moment.. again.. brain.. fuzzy.. not clear at the moment.. I'm guessing I'm tired.. hence tea in the afternoon... hot tea.

Stress... uncertainty... grinding the day away. This is where I'm at.. on the surface...

Not sure.. at the moment.. I hate when I'm like this... it's annoying...

Annoyed I missed a day on my Spanish yesterday... annoyed about finances... job.. where I live... my life?

hhmmm... not sure I like that. I'm really not wanting to sound like I'm whining or complaining.. as I really don't have anything to complain about. Though why don't I?  Why can't I complain and whine?

because no one cares...  or more accurately... it's not going to one damn thing about it.

I only have the power to change my situation... all I know is how fucking slow it is. That's because I don't have any money... but what else is new.

Emotionally backed in a corner

My head hurts a bit at the moment... just a slight pressure around the temples.

I've been watching how much I smoke as of late... and what effects it has had or hasn't.

I think I'm about to go on a tolerance break here for a bit. Though I'm not 100% on it... 1 - I know it helps me deal with shit. It calms me the fuck down. It helps with stress... and it helps me to get my thoughts in line.

I feel like I'm at some weird intersection of life... it seems like a last chance for gas moment. Then again... I'm 42 what do I know.

I guess it's the stress... not having a "real" job but this BS contract crap that I've been doing for years. No retirement... no savings... no insurance... and all these fucking bills.

I'm finding things out that I don't know if I really agree with... life things.. getting bored with activities that I spent most of my life involved with at some point.

TV.. Games.. music...

Conversely I spend my time on select things... I haven't really played a game in forever... Pinball doesn't count. I watch mostly anime at this point.. I've dropped most tv shows... and it really seems that I'm going to go back to reading here...

I'm losing my patience on things... around the house.. with people in the house... being at the house.. in the house..

Are my thoughts on not liking people going to far?

Has my past imprinted on me who I am today... tomorrow? To a point that it will become detrimental?

I have no qualms with ending relationships... I think that much is clear.. but I also now that it can have adverse effects...

I know I'm having a hard time with people overall... I have a short fuse on the road... I have zero patience when it comes to dealing with people where they should be the expert but that is not clearly the case..

Is my frustration based on my feeling of powerlessness overall?

Honestly.. we are all powerless to some extent. Short.. tall.. fat.. thin.. strong.. weak..

It doesn't matter.. death takes us all.. and it has the greatest weapon of all.. time.

Day by day we get weaker... has we get stronger... disease wastes away at our brain after years of pouring knowledge into it.. to the point were we can't even recognize other people..

Strength fades... as does everything else.

I don't discount death.. or mine for that matter.

I know that time is short... and my outlook on life still hasn't changed... that is.. I'm still happy for the most part.

Frustrated... tired... and stressed...

Life is an adventure... if you want it to be.

Checkpoint reached!

It is said that you only get one chance at life, there are no do overs. No save points or god modes. You can't hack the game.

But I do think you can change how the game ends, granted you live long enough to affect said change.

Lately I have been wondering should I restart things... And am quickly reminded how this thought is nothing new. Then again I'm not that person who thought that thought oh so many years ago.

Who I am today... So not the same person oh so long ago.

My goals have changed... But I wonder.

What is "normal" is what is measured... I really don't know how to explain this any easier. I generally view the normative social constructs as just that.. What is deemed normal. Then again... I also like to think I'm actually special from time to time. Joking aside...  There are things that I find perplexing in the grand scheme of things.

Mortality being one but not the one at hand. What will humanity's continued evolution end at?

Also do I want to be married... Do I want to be with someone... Is it what I want now...

Day 7.... the storm approaches...

Just finished 7.... looked at 8... Monday may be painful...

One pebble at a time...

Not sure on the validity of this but I remember a story that talked about how smart crows were or it was some Aesop type story about a crow being smart enough to use pebbles to get a drink a water from a narrow opening.

Today is day 4.. one day further than I was before... that is an accomplishment.. as insignificant as it is.. it's a day further.. a step ahead.

86 more days to go.. I can do this.

Cliche

Sorry there is no accent mark on the title word. I know there should be one, but I'm being lazy at the moment. Something that i need to check... I'm finding the little things in life bugging me.... the little things in life that I usually just ignored... or maybe I'm reading too much into shit.. I think I need to write...

My stress levels don't feel like they've changed all that much in the past few weeks and I don't like that. I've been slacking off at work... more than usual. What is this fear of accomplishing tasks... I make up some lame reason or piss poor excuse for why I shouldn't do it... isn't this one of the main aspects that I've been wanting to change.

However things have changed dramatically around in the past few months.

I almost lost a son and I sort of lost my wife...  and I know the back of my head as been throwing out lots of ideas and scenarios... which I have to entertain.. now that was a poor choice of word.. I have to explore and this is not some fucking safari to Africa explore in the comfort of your sealed bubble... this tour Africa late 1800's. Death was everywhere... figuratively and literally. Diseases, wild animals, unknown natives, and not to mention nature itself.

Maybe that's the secret to all this bullshit... a never ending list of goals to achieve. but for what? Not to be all melancholy, but I have to come to this question. I understand I have one life and that's it. I guess it's still the question(s) of how the hell did this all happen. This is based off of what I know now... Current scientific theories and other postulations that allude to the more bizarre than you can possibly imagine the working of the universe. Light.. is matter. Just think on that for a bit... that there alone should blow your mind... and if it doesn't then I suggest you dive into the pool of science. Start on just fundamentals... relearn because half of what I was taught has changed, so I can only imagine what else has.

Trepidatious curiosity...

Generally I won't post a direct link on here, usually it's a key word search item fetched from Google. This one is different... to really wrap your heads around to where I am at mentally what my thought patterns are.. here's something along those lines.

Crazy Science

Sci fi was a genre of book that i never got into. Watch a lot of it, just never read it. May need to change that.

Any who... Crazy crazy... little things that are bugging me... dipshits.. surrounded by dipshits.

Not interested in a lot of the same ol same ol bullshit that I once was... I'm not sure how to process this.. am I being a putz or is it that I just don't care for certain types of social situations anymore. I actually found myself laughing last night... the irony of being in a situation where I had a large number of people that I hung out with at one point... and now there is pretty much no one.. people change... I think I get a lot of the different situations we go through as people... I still think there is way to much bullshit that we as a society just roll over because we are told what to do. We are taught not to question authority.. despite the American Revolution... for some it would be the Civil War... which is interesting when you think about it.

Interesting in the multiverse theory kind of way and especially in a sociology aspect as well.

Whatever...  things seem really weird now..

I think I'm having an issue with how I look.. but more than likely it's the getting old shit... fuck.. 42.. ugh.. yeah.. I'm thinking that's it...

Random Shit : Now and Then

Not sure how I feel about the geek splooge with the news, that the internet is having with BTTF today.

This is up there with the 4th of May...

sigh..

Random Shit - Manual Transmissions

Tripping on how long it's been since I had to work a clutch... miss it.

Something about the manual trans that is just soo much more satisfying in driving a vehicle.

New Series: Random Shit

So I'll be posting things from time to time that hit me upside the head in a peculiar fashion.


For instance:

You ever Google something and think... there has to be more than this lame shit?

got the time tick tick ticking in my head

Good ol' Anthrax


It really is amazing how we as people deal with things... and when we deal with things if we do at all.

Life concepts, priorities.. they affect everyone differently and hell I know that I'm usually a day late and a dollar short in a number of these things.

I'm really have a bitch of a time with... well time.

All good things must come to an end.... despite the ST:TNG last episode reference Chaucer wrote that (not knowing he wrote that but knowing it was not an original ST quote).

Life is no different... huh.. is this when that fear starts. When you come to a realization that you will die someday... and you really do not know when it is.

I'm finding I'm becoming a bit over emotional when confronted with the fact of the age of people in my life... especially my Dad. Right now I'm going to say it's really messing with my head at the moment. I'd like to spend more time, but it's not feasible right now and with the cross country moves being planned it doesn't look like it'll get any better.

Some other things to note..

Am I just surrounded by idiots... after listening to stand up comics the past few weeks it's one of the underlying thoughts I've been having lately. Then the comment I think from Chris Rock about everybody else being "C" students is what makes up the majority of people.

Carlin isn't helping either. We need him more now than ever!!

How anime changed me around mentally...

I'm trying to make this as an objective piece as possible.

This piece is about the understanding how despite years of having a Negative Nancy outlook on things especially life in general through years of watching a single anime (Naruto & Naruto Shippuuden for example) can drastically changes one's self opinion about who they are and what they can actually accomplish in life.

Further I will discuss how mental constructs that people like to limit to concepts of humanity[1] things in life. Superstitions, local customs, irrespective of origin have a profound affect of what we accept as "real". Generally we are "super predisposed" to accepting day to day mundane things based mostly on our senses. We take for granted a large number of things, especially things that are generally deemed as abnormal or strange or weird. We mentally classify these things in some sort of long lost pigeon hole we usually never revisit again. Though being the strange creatures of habit that we are we have a tendency to find even more weird things about how we are once we pay attention. For example, there is documented evidence of how people and naturally occurring patterns must equate to mean something. How how we as a people love to place meaning in the day to day mundane. It's really fucking difficult to get to be on the other side of the coin... especially when you think you have actually looked at the other side only to realize that it's not the right coin to begin with.

It's a massive self reflection on who you are as a person and understanding just how insignificant you are and what all this is that I'm writing at the moment really is. I don't believe in an afterlife, or demons or gods or whatever hocus pocus you have at the moment. I have to say my little thc overload the other day has really made me see things in a whole new perspective that sees me the the whiney little bitch that I really am... and honestly have to say affects the 99% of humanity... or it could just be most civilized countries.. but then again I look at the "uncivilized" ones and think.. yeah those are some ignorant voodoo believing mother fuckers.

No thanks.

We don't have to be scared... we can sleep with the light off now. It really is fucking amazing beyond belief. Sure there is a lot of fucked up shit going on but I firmly believe if we can get past this phase of superstition and other idiotic nonsense life on Earth will fucking rock. Education is the answer.... it's been there this whole fucking time and sad to say we discount educators more than pro sports player, sad to say it should be the other way around. Though I do see some hopes... current trends in nerd/geek culture along with DIY and other types of trends seemed to have made a better impact on education as a whole. Science is more prominent now than I ever remember it being in a long time.

Back to how anime helped me change my outlook on things.

How many times have giving ourselves the answer of "I'll start tomorrow"?

How about we think about "changing" all the time, but show little progress?

How about the "now's not a good time" answer?

The best is "I can't do it!"

That last one is the biggest bullshit answer we tell, ahem, lie to ourselves about all the time. We can, we are our own worst enemy. How many times have you just heard that... go oh yeah I am and then just go on. Seriously we do that probably more than any other one. We constantly tell ourselves I can't or make up some bullshit excuse as to why we can't. Especially people who feel they are at a disadvantage or see themselves as having a disadvantage, whether or not they admit it to themselves if they are, they make the most excuses or demonstrably bullshit themselves just as much as the next person. We make excuses for who we are by our culture as well. Now we have these people going around what is acceptable culture and what isn't. It's kind of hypocritically ironic in the sad tragedy of life type scenario. Anyway.

The self examination... truly knowing who you are. This is the most difficult aspect of this whole writing. How do I say to someone else do this and this will happen to you, because you know what.. that's bullshit to. You want to know why, it's because that even though you know now what you know doesn't mean that I can import that information to another. Fuck this concept took me most of my life to understand. Seriously... you think you know shit when you get out of High School or at least bullshit your self that you do and then decide to go to college where you bullshit yourself even more that you know shit even more now.

That's funny... but the most funny part is that... really you don't know when you will understand things. Sorry for the completely ambiguous term things, it really is a cheap lazy word. Hell the more I write it seems the more I understand things better. The more I go out and exercise all of this pent up energy to learn and try and live life. Because I only have one... chance..

I've had a complete change of mindset... I am no longer who I once was. I'm no longer mad at everything (another cheap word)... it's really hard to be clear and concise on one's life experiences. I really am at a loss for words. It's just this, everything answer that I needed I have more or less found through science, anime, history, and continuing my education about living here and now on this rock we call Earth.

Now the anime part made you go HUH, didn't it... this is that "social construct" I was talking about. We as a people have a tendency to dismiss the weird or strange.. things that we can't fit into our way of thinking. It's like someone speaking a foreign language to you. You hear it, can't process it so you do one of two things... dismiss it in to the recycle bin in your head or put it in your "what is this" folder. Now most of us have a shit ton of crap in out mental recycle bin, however the "what is this" folder is weird. It is not like the recycle bin where you can just keep throwing things in, the "what is this" folder has a limited amount of space and not everyone has the same folder size or capacity. Some may have a large folder because they have a higher propensity to examine things that ate weird or strange and conversely those with little to no interests in such things may not have one at all or one that's so small they rarely entertain these things at all.

I guess in a sense another good analogy would be how or why people believe certain things. People who actually believe in supernatural events. This is equivalent to those who believed blowing smoke up your ass would help a deceased person. Weather and all its events were believed to be controlled by the heavens.

Now with anime it was something I wasn't expecting or something that I had sought out to actually have an impact on me. I grew up with anime and it was something that I still find interest in to this day.

I missed the DBZ era I was newly getting caught up in the bullshit of the world and other mundane things. I had dropped anime probably after seeing Akira or Ghost in the Shell. Back then interests cost money and anime and manga were not cheap.

Now with the internet I can watch or catch up on so many at once. Needless to say my preliminary interests in Japanese culture spilled over on to my kids, who in turn show more interest with the readily available content. That's when I got into Naruto. It was about 2 or 3 years after the anime series started here in the US. The manga and anime in Japan had been going on for a while now.

At first I was into it primarily because of the kids, but then I started to see the main storyline as being of interest so I kept watching. One thing to note, it was during this time that while we initially started out watching it dubbed, we switched to subbed mainly because we've grown accustomed to the dialog, despite being in Japanese, still made the story and scenes flow better. We prefer it and generally don't watch anything unless we have that option on, even all other foreign films we watch with subtitles.

The main story is about an outcast looking to make his mark on the world, to become the leader (Hokage) of his village and have everyone acknowledge him.

Sure it's a MANGA adapted anime, the story is pretty much the same. I guess the American equivalent would be I was inspired from read and watching Batman cartoons and comics to become someone better.

Stop wishing and start doing.... Here's the key... do not set an and date or a goal date... set up checkpoints.

Find out where you are as you go. Write details about your experiences for the day and what you did do.. do not write what you didn't do.

DO NOT EXPECT TO BE CHANGED OVERNIGHT or even in 30 days or 90 days or 30000 days...

This is a change in those patterns and social constructs... However that isn't to say dates and deadlines are not important... we are just going to not put that focus or emphasis on you.

The underlying foundation of anime's is this... over time and steady effort, you can change. Now this is the second most important part... you do not have special powers and or abilities as depicted in most manga and or anime. Regardless of what you heard yourself day during your THC acid trip.

It's a slow and steady wins the race type thing... it's an over time type thing... though there are ways to help and improve how you get to that point and time.

I saw over the years of watching this kid fight against the world to be something and despite the silliness of it being a manga/anime I've come to find renewed passion or a passion that i never had that maybe others did and I'd like to think that this series had a large part with that.

Being yourself, knowing yourself, & making life the best that you can for yourself.


[1] Concepts of Humanity - Why do we have these social concepts in life, such as what is acceptable and what isn't (For further research - Laws, Ethics & Morals; Hammurabi's Law; Laws & Customs of Ancient Cultures - Google or visit wikipedia for further information on these topics). Over thousands of years what has become the norm or societal standard or accepted behavior has not always been. Just recently homosexuals and trans people have been allowed to express themselves in probably one of the most open times ever in recorded history. Well at least here in the United States, Russian isn't so forgiving at the moment. While this is an example of equal civil rights for all there will have to be a transition period before it is universally accepted. Hell it's still not 100% accepted in the States, just a majority see the obvious versus the myopic fear mongers beholden to ancient superstitions.

Here we are again?

So I needed something with a punch and was longer lasting than a toke or two. It was the size of little Hershey bar.. The old one that has the segments on it. It was smaaaall compared to the golf ball I had the other night...

I am not a witty person

I'm not nearly as well read as I think I should be.

I don't have a lot of poignant thoughts or sayings that will captivate nor enthrall you.

I've never read Shakespeare or Dickens or Bronte (why I said Bronte I have no idea and yes I referring to E Bronte..) or the Beat generation or any other host of classical authors. I was never a big reader though I did have my moments and books that I love to read.

And for some reason when I think about that at this very moment I feel overwhelmingly ecstatic/sad/happy... overflowing with emotions.

I'm finding that I don't know anything...and I'll still claim to not know anything even if I lived for a thousand years and attended university for that entire time as well.

What happened this past Friday... what was that trip?

Anywho... I'm chalking it up with my life experiences... and how I'm trying to get back on that bandwagon... that is living life.

I spent way too much time bitching and moaning about things not being how I want them... instead of making the best of the situation.

This is the hardest step... making a decision to make things better. Realizing that you and you alone have the power to change how you feel. You react to the world around you... while there are moments and people who have LEGIT chemical needs (SSRI's and the like), I'm also under the impression that these are a temporary thing. Then again I'm not a professional.... though I do know even the professionals don't know why things happen the way they do... they can just tell you that this is how we deal with x, y, & z.

I'm not against mental health professionals... we need them. Though I do feel that most medical professions that deal with the mental faculties don't have a 100% picture of who/what/why/where.

With that said... I restate what I believe.

Mental issues can be cured... they are not ALL 100% that is how you are for the rest of your life. It is a hard and long journey with more pitfalls than you can shake a swinging vine at. Yes that was a video game reference.

I'm not 100%, but I have made that turn so to speak. Well at least for me I like to think so. I don't have all the answers... I just have the answers that worked for me.

Aside from physical health, mental health is equally as important at being exercised. The question is how do I exercise my brain.

Now I'll be forever plagued...

So I'm reflecting on my little episode from Friday night.

Korovo Black Bar you are cruel mistress. Despite only taking a corner I then proceeded to have a very intense trip that felt like I was dying.

Though now I find myself intrigued about things even more... things being life and everything in it.


So at one point I knew I was in trouble. Then I was in bed feeling like life was ending the end of the world and it all stopped or was stopping. Feeling like I was being held by invisible forces, felt like it was hell and that I would be punished at some point soon, then I stopped freaking out.. for 0.0000000001 seconds.

At some weird moment I realized things were a bit too same or something like that. It was a conspiracy and Pam was one of the "controllers" and it was some Matrixy type of scenario.

Then again how do we not know this is not just some mind fuck... and I'm being serious. We know that everything is (matter) is filled with lots of empty space (perceived). Light is energy and had mass (and yes I know I'm all over the place)... ideas that this is just one giant hologram. DNA that is in us gets passed down from generation to generation. I'm babbling and I know it.. again these are all fragments of thoughts in my head.

The one I especially found to be interesting... We are repeating everything... this is a type of hell. It explains why things are so shitty. Some how we are imprisoned in these bodies and our true memories are being repressed by some other force. We are trapped... trapped for who knows how long. We are the reborn remnants of a time and civilization long forgotten. A civilization that sent things in motion as they are now. An endless cycle of life and death.

We existed before the Big Bang... in fact the universe before was completely known and the knowledge to set things in motion as it is now. Though that was then and who know how long ago that was. Who knows where we are on the the never ending cycle.


This idea has me more perplexed than anything else at the moment. The idea that we could be going through all of this again and again. Why not... it appears we are in a closed system all in it's own. What exists beyond the universe?

This is what has me going... if we are all part of a working living system. What is the larger part of that system?

Then the crazy ideas of all that follow that... what sucks.. is I know in my "altered state" I believed that we were being controlled... especially how our mind works. It's weird... really fucking weird.

On the other hand....

I don't have anything that I can really use as evidence or proof or whatever to maybe try and repeat it... as crazy as that sounds.

I think a lot of people who have similar experiences go to look and repeat it or try to gain further understanding...

Why not? It's not like we know and that's part of the experience of living isn't.... we don't know..

haha... at one point I had become convinced that I was given the ability to change reality.. and that I was some unique individual with special abilities or what not.

It was really interesting.. the scary part of feeling like I was dying.. the part of feeling like I was immortal.. the part of feeling like I was being "one with the universe"... conversely my brain does feel fried...

I'm guessing that's due to some overload or another.

hhmmmm.... the consciencenous??

Down the rabbit hole....

Holy shit...

1000mg... that brownie is evil... the motherfucking brownie is evil.

I first knew I was in trouble when i went to the bathroom... that's when I knew it was going to be a bump ride.

The end of the world... it felt like it was the end of everything and it sucked... but was fucking awesome at the same time and damn was that weird as hell.

There was nothing at the end but ... but nothing.. it was all a huge chemical reaction.

ITEOTWAWKIAIFF

So apparently Russian is helping Syria out (Assad). and I was reminded of my former propaganda brainwashing of apocalyptic end times. Russia will be involved in the Middle East and then WW3...  haha.

I find it humorous...that there actually may be a WW3... and the coincidence of the whole situation.Weird to see the rise of Russia again. This could very well be the start of a new Cold War also... hhumph... now this is interesting. If this is the case I could see a hell of a lot more countries being pulled in. Countries that would be first timers to the field... some that didn't have large standing armies 40+ years ago... cough CHINA cough.

African countries... South American... hell if extrapolate further it really could be a massive world war.. how many treaties have been sign since the end of WW2? New countries formed? The lines of 1945 have changed drastically. This could very well be the beginning of something new...

I need to sharpen my skills immensely and be quick about it. Then again.. I have way too many boys ready to be selected for somebody else' war.

Works towards something... every bit of effort counts.

So I've been trying shit out a bit lately... it's called stick with it.

So apparently despite not being fluent in Spanish overnight I have come to a big ol 25% on Duolingo. Which to me is pretty cool and a big confidence booster. Things ( <---lazy word here fyi), generally skills and or talents and or "things" of this nature/type that I have been wanting to expand on I finally have ?mellowed? out enough to stay focused enough and not do what i have generally done in the past which is bite of more than I can chew.. that and not really being disciplined enough in knowing that you can only fail if you try.. but you will always fall if you don't try.

In a convoluted way, keep doing something till you do get good. Hence the saying Rome wasn't built in a day.. yet I would beat myself up every time that I didn't seem immediate results. I've focused on a few things that I think I can get some fairly quick results. One instead of trying to learn Japanese at this time I'm focusing on Spanish. Mainly because it would be stupid not to pick it up, seriously when has knowing more than one language ever hurt someone.

I've got this momentum going... and I'm finding that if you keep that going. Things do change... it's a very small change.. but it's big enough for me to see it.

Zip Zap Pow

Brain zaps

By far the most unpleasant thing about coming off of cymbalta.

So I'm on my newest 30 day refill of 30 mg every other day.... or so as I have prescribed. The every other day part that is.

The brain zaps really are annoying to say the least. You really have a hard time focusing and concentrating on what you have to do. Even rudimentary mundane tasks such as typing.

I think I h.... crap my fingers are all over the keyboard and making too many mistakes.

ok.. so..

Now to see how and if I can get off of everything by the end of the year. We shall see.. I'm making some pretty big plans for this last part of the year.

- Limit alcohol to holidays only. I have 4 drinking days... Halloween, Thanksgiving, Xmas & NYE.
- 90 days get my ass into shape. My walking days are not consistent enough for me at the moment and I feel like I'm within reach of a number of physical objectives. So make a bit of a reach to get there with some extra effort should work.
- Get off cymbalta by end of year. It's a bit faster than I had planned, but hey things are going well.
I'm keeping track of my emotions and mood (and letting those close know as well).

I'll reevaluate where I am after 90 days...

Moving forward.... even if I take a break to catch my breath.

So... I've been having some really weird mood swings as of late.

Read the posts.. that's how things have been.

And I'm setting the record straight right now... weed is helping me stay sane. I've been completely rewired (in a better and same sort of way). To which I'm sure a good number of you are just rolling your eyes... how is this "time" different!?!?

Well to disrupt delicate sensibilities... I'm an atheist. Have been for pretty much 5 years now... though I think I've finally reached a sane & rational point in my life. I'm no longer in a free fall tailspin to use the aviation terminology. Of a mental faculty state.... I know who I am.. I'm no longer questioning things about the meaning of life and what not one spends cloistered in a closet of ignorant bliss... I definitely didn't say no to the rabbit hole.

And that's how I see life now.... it really is a great adventure. I just had to change my perspective and well.. that's how I see it.

Granted recent events are having a very profound effect on me and made me question the current plans and how they may not necessarily happen as planned. I'm still physically stressed... my shoulders are still tensed and it's been almost a month now.

But I've been having a hell of a time with the roller coaster of anxiety and I'm done with this ride. I have some goals that i want to take care of creatively and I've been working towards that goal. I'm currently busy with Spanish... Math... and yet to start electronics. Not too mention the other items involving Arduino, metalworking, woodworking, and more. Now is the time to do it. While I have access to these learning opportunities... I need to find a beer money project.

I just need to find a band saw... so I can finish this gate project.

There are never enough words.... ever.

The more I think about things.... wow that is bullshit... and so is having to wrote that and the title twice.

Blogger crashed...

whatever.. I'm having a very emotional day... and it's fucking weird as hell... because the other day I was thinking about how I hadn't written anything in a bit on here.

I'm having a pre melt down of people departing even though they are nowhere near departing.. but I'm find that with all the death news as of late and other recent emotional events I'm a bit over stressed and a bit touchy at the moment.

Not too mention being a bit silly.

While I enjoy the tears.. or I should say I welcome them... and it's more because I know they help relieve stress.. yes.. google that shit.

I'm in need of some serious de-stressing and I do not see that coming anytime soon.

So I'm re-evaluating priorities and plans and other such goal driven type things that for some fucking reason right now... TIME IS FLYING... I'm really hyper sensitive to time or some other silly nonsense and all I see is the sand freely flowing... despite it moving at the exact same time before I was born as it is now... granted atomic clock yadda yadda fluctuations...

I'm really having a hard time with even the slightest bit if my Pop going what so bit right now... and while it's completely irrational.. none the less I'm holding back a flood right now...

hold on... surreal fucked up moment... I don't think I'd really feel anything if my mom kicked it. I actually stopped and thought about it... tried to conjure forth some mythical "blood thicker than water" mumbo jumbo hocus pocus emotional something... nothing. However that isn't to say that I'm not sad over the fact that I pretty much didn't have a mother who gave two shits about anyone else but herself.... which on the other hand thinking about this is pretty informative. Despite all the evidence that supports my opinion of my mother being a waste of flesh on this mudball... I really think cutting her out when things happened like they did and that's old news, was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Too many people fall victim to the blood relative trap of perceived obligations despite the fact the person is a complete piece of shit.


I needed this... ugh... in case there was any wondering... this is really helping me to process shit.. so there.

I know I'm stubborn on a lot of things... and I have to figure shit out... but I know I'm finding that it's really fucking hard sometimes.. even as you get older... and yeah... getting old is not for sissies...

And woooooo weeee .... ok.. this is an emotional roller coaster day...

I'm giggling about what now I don't know.. but I know this is temporary... and tomorrow is a different day... and today is still a good day... and the fact that I'm crying about that makes me laugh..and cry more.. ugh.

but the really sad thing that I'm feeling at the moment is I sort of want my Dad to read all of this... and I don't think he will..... at least not right now.. not yet.. I have more that I need to do...   I need to learn Spanish... I have to.

EDIT - I'm also starting the weaning period on this bottle... hopefully the last?

Country Girl

I'm convinced Homer was 100% correct.

Rock did achieve perfection in the 70's.

Though there are a few gems since that time frame.

Over the Hill

I think I've figured out that meaning. You've reached an age where you've seemed to have life figured out, but you've wasted all your youth and energy getting there.

I jest, but the pain in my hip says otherwise. Along with my back, neck, feet and other various parts on my body that creak, crack or grind as I move about the day.

On top of getting to said point, you realize that a lot of the time and energy that you spent on "trivial matters" were really just that... trivial. Though I have to wonder to some extent about that. Do not the experiences we go through account for who we are? I know recent experiences have had profound changes on me. Physically and mentally...

I've now gone through something that has forced me to evaluate my future plans. Something I didn't even anticipate or expect... How does one plan for Armageddon?

It's a good thing... because now I have another option to evaluate.

Things are good... stressed as all hell.. but I really can't complain.

Aside from the tiredness.. and the stress.. I'll complain about that.

And I made chili today...

Here Is The House

So I am stuck in the 70's/80's... old school KROQ and 91X.

(HA! Looks like Irvine Meadows became Irvine Meadows again... like it should have been.)

I have to say for there to be a time I was apart of I'm glad it was this one.

I have to admit though this music does bring back a lot of weird emotions... then again... what is it with this time in my life.

It's so freaking bizarre... all of these "first" memories come flooding... people I hadn't thought of in forever and probably will never see them again. I find it weird how it makes me sad... is this mid life regret?

Maybe.. I know a good portion of my impetus for what I do know is partly from time is running short and I have a ton of things I'd like to do before I depart this blue rock.

Why does DM have such an impact on me the way its does.... ha.. I think I know why...

Pretty much listened to them all through Jr High into High School, while not a sought out favorite they were heard frequently enough to be a "soundtrack" to the moment. Especially knowing how DQ I was..

I'm really not liking getting older right at the moment... woah.... that was a sudden rush of despair... holy sheet.

UGH!!!

Why do I feel like I'll never be able to do shit... ugh... discipline... is a bitch of a mistress. I know that I need to take a breathe and chill and focus and realize the situation for what it is.. and what has happened in the past month or so weeks..

I have things I need to do and that to ensure things go as smooth as possible... I have to be able to provide as needed and be able to transition to a need endeavor post move. Additionally I'm supposed to be using this time to rebuild a foundation in certain fundamental skills and abilities that I honestly don't have as much skill as I think others think I have, though I'm not opposed to gaining said skill. I have to look at the journey before me and understand that there will be swamps along the way. It's a life journey in the sense that as long as I keep moving forward (some times I won't be moving because LIFE HAPPENS).

I love that Fall is right around the corner... look forward to the Winter, just hope the roof stays on.

Tomorrow's Gonna Be Brighter Day

LOL...

So in my teary eyed epiphany of recollection, I was thinking on the silly things that bring a tear to my eye. Needless to say music is a big one, Jim Croce especially. Which is the funny part... there are a number of FANFUCKUTABUOLOUS songs that were written by a select handful of artists between the 60's & 70's that seem to have this emotional impact on me.

The part that really makes me chuckle... yes.. chuckle.. is despite the sad nature of a number of them.. they are my memories of how I once felt and longed for things to be better... and the thing is... I really don't see them getting better than this...

This is how I know things are completely different post "my incident". JIC.. I know who I am.. and I'm not that confused kid anymore.

I'm happy now.. or I should say more accurately.. more content than I thought possible. It's not perfect.. but nothing is.

Now if I could get a series of massages... my body is still so stressed out at the moment..

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I really used to like U2..... then something happened after Joshua Tree... anywho.

The bipolar feelings are kicking in a bit.. I find myself getting emotional in my gratefulness... with everyone.

And it's hard to have the help... just is.. grateful none the less.

Though I hope my sibling gets over his shit.



Back to work tomorrow.

Not sure how well that is going to work.

I want my son back.... it's what's going through my head.


heh... talk about bipolar thoughts..

So today was one of those nothing went right but everything was right put in perspective kind of days.


Soooo.. the night before the fridge dies (vent clogged, unit overheated) and we end up putting everything in coolers with ice. Broke as hell... the Lowes card has money... go online.. find a fridge after doing some research (literally it took less than 30 mins to get the best brands by style - LG) and buy it.

P get's the call the day after to schedule delivery this afternoon. Right after 1:30 the truck shows up and after about 5 minutes the guy comes up and says where is the stove going.

Stove?

They screwed up the order, unit was scheduled for delivery for11/2... then the rub was going instore could only cancel the fridge... they have to follow up next day to cancel the extended warranty.

Today was that day that said... yeah it could be a little bit worse... so I had to laugh..

I hope tomorrow is better... today was pretty good.

And yesterday was our wedding anniversary

Needless to say we all forgot that due to the circumstances.

Yesterday was not a good day.. well it was.. but it wasn't.
It was the worst feeling day since.. today is better.

One thing I have noticed... weed is not having an effect on my emotional state. Though I have to say it has helped to be able to cope. It's preventing me from dwelling on things that I shouldn't be at the moment. Conversely it's not really distracting me from it. Alcohol is probably making things worse, but it's not like I've been drinking myself silly. Then again I'm not a big drinker, never have been. 3 beers yesterday maybe 4 or 5 the day before...



I know I need to grieve... I have been..

I also know that I can't stay in a grieving period for forever.

Going to the tidepools... need to get out.. but not really wanting to deal with people..

Glad my family is here.

And that's a big thing for me to say....


and it's a good thing.



Stress... lack of concentration is there but not nearly as bad as it was...

physical effects are still there.. less pronounced, hoping to go back to work on Monday...


I know sending him that email yesterday helped...

So my oldest son recently tried to commit suicide

On Labor Day morning I was calling 911, after using a saw blade to cut the electrical cord my son was hanging from. I'll never get that image out of my head...

Today after being on a 24 hr watch in the ICU, it seems like he'll be ok physically. I really never knew how I would react to this scenario.I had been hoping that he had been committed prior to this event, but that didn't happen. I hate how this system works like that... unless they are "in the act" nothing can really be done as long as they are rational and can tell the cops "everything is fine". There were multiple calls in 3 weeks... but nothing.

While I know the pain it takes to get to be in that level of despair, conversely now I know the pain on the other hand.

Yeah... this is shock. The trauma of what has happened drives through. Like the g force rush of a descending roller coaster, this wrenching gnawing in the pit of your stomach. You have to think longer than usual about what you want to do. While I want to type this out faster than I am. I get overloaded with numbness.

I don't think tomorrow I can bill.

Prime example of the power of music

Manic depression is touching my soul
I know what I want
But I just don't know how to go about getting it

Feeling, sweet feeling
Drops from my fingers, fingers
Manic depression is captured my soul, yeah

Woman so willing the sweet cause in vain
You make love, you break love
It's-a all the same when it's, when it's over

Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress, caress, caress
Manic depression is a frustrating mess
Wow

Well, I think I'll go turn myself off an' uh, go on down
All the way down
Really ain't no use in me hanging around, oh, I gotta see you

Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress and uh, kiss, kiss
Manic depression is a frustrating mess
Wow
Yeah
Ow

Music, sweet music
Music
Depression

- Jimi Hendrix - Manic Depression

YouTube Video?

It's all about finding yourself and a big healthy dose of confidence.

Wow... what an interesting past week.

Son snaps this past weekend and then last night after everything that's happened it gets worse.

(EDIT) - This event happened a few weeks back.

Never underestimate the power of music... and pot.

When life has got you down in the dumps... listen to your music collection on shuffle. Some eong somewhere will pop up and help you out of your doldrums.

Speaking from experience

How to begin to write something when you don't want to.

Sex and Drugs and Rock n' Roll

Despite the Ian Dury reference, I don't really care for his music. Don't misconstrue this for not knowing who the man is and what he did. To do so would be an insult to what he accomplished as a unique flower in the flower bed of humanity.

And like all flowers his time came and went. In a thousand years he will more than likely be a trivia question for the future generation of hipsters to hipster over, and I doubt what he did will not even be mentioned, let alone understood.

Music is one of those things.... things - such a cheap and useless word... it's like a placeholder for where a real word should be.

Music is one of many human common denominators. Those "things" that most if not all cultures around the globe have developed and bonded to over time.

I'm at this point in my life that I want to study a portion of the facets of humanity... in hopes to get a better understanding of not only myself but others around me. Honestly I have noticed a few things in the past year or so that I have fully taken advantage of. I won't lie and say that I don't have some guilt and some of which I could get into some trouble. Not with the wife.. well that's not true.. anyway let's just say it's not an infidelity thing.

I have been doing some things of questionable character.... and getting away with it. For now...

Anywho... back to music..

So I remember when I was a budding teen and music became my everything... it was my emotional roulette.... my memory reanimator so to speak and is to some point to this day.

Here I was being over run with a flood of hormones into my system and emotional levels that (looking back on it) I'm so fucking glad that shit is over with. My childhood consisted of a severely depressed mother with zero parenting skills and sad to say my father wasn't much better in that department, but he's the more well adjusted one.

Not having parents that work together is one of the worst scenarios a kid can be in. If the parents are solid with the kids, I think the kids can handle pretty much anything thrown at them. This could include divorce, rebellion on their part, general questions about life, open honest discussions.

Sad to say it's taken a long time in some discussions with my kids now that they are older. Though let this be known... none of them have the excuse of "we never talked to them". That I know is a load of bullshit. While we didn't force discussions on them, we would monitor what they did to a point, gave them freedom/perks/etc.. as the earned it. Good grades were required and they had options to get into whatever activity they wanted to. Some took more advantage of this than others.. <cough>Xander</cough>

I know just recently I offered Kendo and fencing options which were turned down. Any earlier conversations attempts with the "YA YA I already know".. only to be revisited down the road with some karmic fate of retribution for not listening completely and missing key information that would have saved them.

Music... yak shaving...

I have the extreme interest in the physiology of homosaipens... like why we do the things we do.. weird sciencey type things...

how your nostrils oscillate their duty throughout the day

Rods and cones

History repeats itself....

So there was a little episode with my oldest boy this past weekend.

Editorial - Video Games and Doping

So I briefly scanned this article and went...WTF?!?!

Ok.. so there was a scandal about using Adderall in a match.. and now weed is on a list of banned substances.

I've noticed that the more I disengage from the pop culture of today, the more I don't give two shits about anything that is the latest thing.

I can't wait to get the hell out of Dodge...

Editorial

So I'm a prolific news reader. Generally current US events, World News, politics and whatever weird item that catches my eye. Underground pop culture, anime, game news, 80's, weird science/history/geography/etc....  these are the more interesting ones. 

So it dawned on me as to just how well off well developed countries have it. I'm sitting in my garage, free from pretty much any crime/violence/famine/war/etc. type shit currently at the moment. Conversely I'm not oblivious to the countless other countries that we have unofficially subjugated due to our economic measures/pressures on said "piss ant" country. Which this is the status quota* for the good ol' US of A. 

If you have something we want, we will "United Nations your ass" into getting it. If that doesn't work, we'll get our friendly neighbors (who may or may not be your enemy) to facilitate certain things in getting our way.

If you can't see the oligarchy power struggle around the world, then I hope you do and do it soon.

But anyway... just grateful that I have the security that I do, just not happy about the means in which it is secured. Sooner or later people will need to understand there is a finite amount of resources on this sad little rock we call home. Unless we stop the bullshit semantics of oppression and trade as the way things are done. Let alone the mantra of selective enforcement of whatever geopolitical gambit is going on at the moment. North Korea threatening war with South Korea, to which apparently is how they do business when they are low on supplies (aka brink of starvation). They feign war to get emergency aid then say look at the gifts we were given becasue they fear us so much.


any whooo..











*Status quo is generally the correct term, in this case I'm using a family inside joke.

Comfortably Nom

So usually I get some sort of HB contact from a certain person... Not this year.

I think I know why...

Any who.. I don't really know how I feel today about it and all.

I care/don't care about it... Weird that I'm being weird about it.

All I know is I get sushi tonight.

Things that make you go hmmm....

So I have a very strong emotional connection to certain songs... for whatever reason they are the arteries to some emotional heart triggered by some irrational nothing.

Few songs grab me... hence the reason I'm writing this...

So in order to be unique in this posting I will only comment on said song that prompted this... and I hope for those that know me I'm am in no way referring to the title of this post. I loathe that song and all that other crap 90's... ugghhhh.

So I got distracted... damn.. RPG...

So anyway the song in question is Echo Beach by Martha and the Muffins... sadly this is the only song that I know by them and for some reason it hits all the right notes for a weird 80's flashback feel good vibe.... 

but now another song comes on and is even better...

Im not paranoid if its true.

So one of the things that bugs me and honestly its very difficult to get away from is the continued push of goods and services.

Especially news.. Considering I read it all the time. Bad habit that I need to break. Well I can say that entertainment news is low on the totem pole but politics and all the other crap is on full time... World news and the like.

Even when I'm the one pushing the buttons... Looks like my choices are slim.

When is the best time to plant a tree...

Most of the time I forget shit... shit I think up and go hey maybe I should do this or that.

Oh well... I have a big plate of shit to do as it is.

Having come out of a 20+ year funk of existentialistic mind fuckery, I still struggle with things from time to time.

Coming to terms with that past and what to do with it.. accept it.. ignore it.. whatever it, seems to be the status quo lately.

I can't let me past deter my future... and I need to know that my feelings and emotions are chemical reactions that occur naturally..... despite if I feed them irrational bits of rotted logic or not.

Days when I feel my righteous indignation well up from the depths of hell whilst driving on the road with the rest of the peasants. My plain as day poker face of showing my feelings when I'm so not interested... this is my biggest tell of all.

I can't let my immediate feelings take over my long term goals and aspirations. It has taken so long to get to this point of contentment (more or less) in life. 

The paranoid guilt that creeps up from nowhere for whatever reason. Despite the fact that I take care of what needs to be done.

Example.. the feeling of I'm always a day away from getting let go or fired from a job and the ensuing indefinite amount of time to get the next job. 

It's a feeling that can run away and cause a number of issues... I know as I've gone through numerous bouts of letting them get the best of me.

Indigestion, gastritis, sleeplessness, weight loss/gain, reduced overall health are just some of the things I've had to deal with all because I let my emotions get the best of me.

Time... the one thing I wasted so much of that I can never get back.

Then again... today is the 2nd best day to plant a tree.

Music - 91x Resurrection Channel

What a difference a day makes....

Sadly I lack the overly emotional state of my wife to truly understand. Though not discounting my own melodramatic experiences from time to time, this weekend was a doozy!

So after two fun filled coaster days we seems to becoming to an end in the ride. Having more or less a talk about things and her recognizing what the hell happened I'm glad... and I did tell her how this was the first time that I ever felt like I no longer wanted to be around her.

She's mellowing a bit... yeah white girl drink!!!

We need a night out... fuck a weekend... but I don't see that happening for a bit..

I'm really trying to shift gears... I've been running in hear gear for so long it's really trying... and I know that my driving habits will be the hardest.

But sadly I haven't had as much time to post here as I'd like... however.

Because of the change of mood I can really say I'm fucking happy as hell.. and legitimately.

It's weird... scary... exciting... these changes.. mentally... that I have been taking.. I've seen progress.. small.. but I see it.. and that makes my determination to go further... I have a number of things on my plate.. but I'm not going to rush into things like I normally would... slow and steady... 20+ years of trying to figure me and life out are at an end... so to speak.. I'm at the point I've looked for for soooo fucking long... a point where I know what I want... finally.. finally after decades of trying to figure out shit... I got out of that self imposed(?) exile and see where I want to go finally.... remember... your past is your guide of what to do and not to do...

Your presents dictates you and what you end up doing in the end.

Just like I told Zach the other day.... the best time to plant a tre was 20 years ago... the 2nd best time is today.

Despite the cheesy melodramatic cliched manga story tropes... train hard and achieve everything... it really is the way to do things... 


 Well I may be exaggerating on the everything aspect... I think the over corporate one is what it really is... Just do it. You are your own worst enemy. Do not discount needing to feed and care for your mind in more than one way or another... do not discount trivial matters but recognize them as what they are... learn from whatever you can... as everything as a lesson in it... if you want it to.

But I digress... or rabbit trail or whatever... today is a good day... 



Music - APB - Non Stop Violence ```` JT - One White Duck

C'est la vie

Captains log...

2015.08.01

At home in the garage I reflect on the events of the day.

Sad is the news of WWF legend of legends, the passing of the Hot Rod.

It's these events that I guess facilitate the thoughts of one's mortality. The passing of childhood celebrity's in one form or another.

C'est la vie....

I do have to vent about shit though... And honestly I'm beyond fed up with Pam at the moment.

I really have no clue as to what her fucking issue is at the moment as she refuses to talk to me. She keeps playing this not gonna say what it really is that is bugging me shit.

I've paid attention to everything she's said all day and all she did was bitch about every fucking thing she could think of.

She apparently was making some home wrecker rants and I'm not sure why... And when I indirectly asked why she was being weird in an Betty Crocker-esque  manner.... She made some lame ass excuse about she was just making sure that she wasn't castrating me like she's done in the past. She wasn't being her usual self and I'm not discounting the blue moon - red moon situation either.

Ugh...

Today really was the first day I ever truly felt that I no longer wanted to be around her and that was a really fucked up feeling to feel.

I really don't know what to do...

Coincidentally I need to see into this 15 cognitive distortions thing in more detail.

Not a good day today... But hey I'll be 42 soon.

Onions... damn onions..

Sadly I hate it when there are these moments but conversely I enjoy them as well.

We have a sardonic kind of family... sarcasm flows like the Amazon in this house and I think a good portion of that is to hide our feelings but also it's just how we talk to one another.

We deride the other for offering up pedantic obvious questions to mundane day to day events.

Good or bad we have moments on occasion where there are some hard questions asked and the tears usually follow.

I was out of the blue directly questioning my oldest twin about his state of affairs and how he was doing in general. Well things went a bit teary eyed on both sides and I hope for the better.

I want things to be better for us as family... it's what has to be done.

When your past dies

I'm not one to dwell on shit for a long time though there are somethings that I have become to painfully aware of in the past few years and that is my ever present mortality.

There is this web site that I have been visiting since '96 called The Daily Wav and they give memorials to those performers who have managed to get a posting on their page. I was recently going through looking for some old wav files to add to my new phone when I came across a memorial for Gary Owens.

Now while this name will more than likely not register for anyone under the age of 35 in 2015 (even then I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone in their 40's who may know of him), most people in their 50's and above should recognize him.

For me he was Laugh In, Space Ghost, & Ren and Stimpy.

Getting old sucks.

Here's to you Powdered Toast Man!

If at first you don't succeed.... keep on sucking till you do.

I wonder how many.... things... thoughts... people.. ideas... dumb things... whatever... this... that and the other... who what where why when... I'm very curious.. and it's taken me a long time to understand that... and most importantly who I am.


I have a scatter-brained, haphazard way of thinking or that I think to much could be a better answer. One that I'm reminded of from my former mental delusions of bogey men and superstitions about Middle Eastern zombies and genital sacrifices. I don't quite remember the context but from what I recall I believe it was post "fictional book study"1 and I had a bajillion questions. To which I got the following reply, "You think to much".

It hit me but I was so oblivious to the truth (as in facts) of that statement I just took the comment in stride and continued on my frenzied path of zealotry for the next few years.

But as Mr Cleese is famous for saying... I got better.2


I guess if I want to make some sort of lasting impression this is going to be it... if anything my own personal story for posterity.


1 - AKA Bible Study
2 - Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti... 
Currently playing Jack- FM 93.1 - Prince - When Doves Cry (Fun Fact* My brother once dressed like Prince, as depicted on the Purple Rain album)