There are never enough words.... ever.

The more I think about things.... wow that is bullshit... and so is having to wrote that and the title twice.

Blogger crashed...

whatever.. I'm having a very emotional day... and it's fucking weird as hell... because the other day I was thinking about how I hadn't written anything in a bit on here.

I'm having a pre melt down of people departing even though they are nowhere near departing.. but I'm find that with all the death news as of late and other recent emotional events I'm a bit over stressed and a bit touchy at the moment.

Not too mention being a bit silly.

While I enjoy the tears.. or I should say I welcome them... and it's more because I know they help relieve stress.. yes.. google that shit.

I'm in need of some serious de-stressing and I do not see that coming anytime soon.

So I'm re-evaluating priorities and plans and other such goal driven type things that for some fucking reason right now... TIME IS FLYING... I'm really hyper sensitive to time or some other silly nonsense and all I see is the sand freely flowing... despite it moving at the exact same time before I was born as it is now... granted atomic clock yadda yadda fluctuations...

I'm really having a hard time with even the slightest bit if my Pop going what so bit right now... and while it's completely irrational.. none the less I'm holding back a flood right now...

hold on... surreal fucked up moment... I don't think I'd really feel anything if my mom kicked it. I actually stopped and thought about it... tried to conjure forth some mythical "blood thicker than water" mumbo jumbo hocus pocus emotional something... nothing. However that isn't to say that I'm not sad over the fact that I pretty much didn't have a mother who gave two shits about anyone else but herself.... which on the other hand thinking about this is pretty informative. Despite all the evidence that supports my opinion of my mother being a waste of flesh on this mudball... I really think cutting her out when things happened like they did and that's old news, was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Too many people fall victim to the blood relative trap of perceived obligations despite the fact the person is a complete piece of shit.


I needed this... ugh... in case there was any wondering... this is really helping me to process shit.. so there.

I know I'm stubborn on a lot of things... and I have to figure shit out... but I know I'm finding that it's really fucking hard sometimes.. even as you get older... and yeah... getting old is not for sissies...

And woooooo weeee .... ok.. this is an emotional roller coaster day...

I'm giggling about what now I don't know.. but I know this is temporary... and tomorrow is a different day... and today is still a good day... and the fact that I'm crying about that makes me laugh..and cry more.. ugh.

but the really sad thing that I'm feeling at the moment is I sort of want my Dad to read all of this... and I don't think he will..... at least not right now.. not yet.. I have more that I need to do...   I need to learn Spanish... I have to.

EDIT - I'm also starting the weaning period on this bottle... hopefully the last?