Emotionally backed in a corner

My head hurts a bit at the moment... just a slight pressure around the temples.

I've been watching how much I smoke as of late... and what effects it has had or hasn't.

I think I'm about to go on a tolerance break here for a bit. Though I'm not 100% on it... 1 - I know it helps me deal with shit. It calms me the fuck down. It helps with stress... and it helps me to get my thoughts in line.

I feel like I'm at some weird intersection of life... it seems like a last chance for gas moment. Then again... I'm 42 what do I know.

I guess it's the stress... not having a "real" job but this BS contract crap that I've been doing for years. No retirement... no savings... no insurance... and all these fucking bills.

I'm finding things out that I don't know if I really agree with... life things.. getting bored with activities that I spent most of my life involved with at some point.

TV.. Games.. music...

Conversely I spend my time on select things... I haven't really played a game in forever... Pinball doesn't count. I watch mostly anime at this point.. I've dropped most tv shows... and it really seems that I'm going to go back to reading here...

I'm losing my patience on things... around the house.. with people in the house... being at the house.. in the house..

Are my thoughts on not liking people going to far?

Has my past imprinted on me who I am today... tomorrow? To a point that it will become detrimental?

I have no qualms with ending relationships... I think that much is clear.. but I also now that it can have adverse effects...

I know I'm having a hard time with people overall... I have a short fuse on the road... I have zero patience when it comes to dealing with people where they should be the expert but that is not clearly the case..

Is my frustration based on my feeling of powerlessness overall?

Honestly.. we are all powerless to some extent. Short.. tall.. fat.. thin.. strong.. weak..

It doesn't matter.. death takes us all.. and it has the greatest weapon of all.. time.

Day by day we get weaker... has we get stronger... disease wastes away at our brain after years of pouring knowledge into it.. to the point were we can't even recognize other people..

Strength fades... as does everything else.

I don't discount death.. or mine for that matter.

I know that time is short... and my outlook on life still hasn't changed... that is.. I'm still happy for the most part.

Frustrated... tired... and stressed...

Life is an adventure... if you want it to be.