Some days are better than others.. and today is not a better day. It's one of those fucked up days that I don't want to do a thing and in fact would rather just crawl back under a bed and sleep my life away.
My stress levels are getting annoying to say the least. Not to mention my patience levels being non existent at the moment.... to varying degrees or situations.
This ugly aspect of my personality is trying to rear it's head again... a last huzzah? Retribution?
Which is why I'm writing.. is this the emotional result of the past months... the start and stop of plans and all that it entails. Trying to plan for the future and all I see are roadblocks after roadblocks.. I hate days like this.. I hate how my focus gets distracted by what goes on in my head.
I don't like being in a position where I feel like things are pointless... despite knowing full well everything really is pointless..
In the grands scheme of it all.. I make no difference... in all the totality of the cosmos... my life is insignificant... my life.. my actions.. those around me... I'm on an island in space inhabited with the rest of the global population of hairless space monkey's fighting over scraps and who's fairy tale is more real than the other.
Despite the meaninglessness of it all.. I still drive towards something... is it my lack of confidence.. to some extent I would say yes.. but it's almost crippling... this fear of doing... doing what though? I get freaked out over projects at work that I know I can do.. I get freaked out over things not going as they should... now this is a the problem as it's so ambiguous..
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