Reality Paradox??

 Ok so hear me out on this...

How is it that we as a society have two very distinct aphorisms in life or at least what I believe exist in Western/US cultures.

1 - The concept of unconditional love.. accepting people for who they UNCONDITIONALLY.

2 - And the concept of Self Improvement... where through self analysis we determine that there are areas in ones life that are deemed needing improvement or change AND OR other influences (see Sapolsky's Stanford lecture series on evolutionary human behavior). Self Improvement can be made through subversive means as well, you can see this behavior in power struggles, for example say there is a couple that have have been together for a number of years and have had numerous rocky moments during their marriage, just overall dysfunctional. In one attempt at salvaging they go to see a marriage counselor, and it comes to light that during the session a discovery is made that gives one of the partners a legitimate excuse to end things. though instead they say that the other partner needs to change this behavior or else they'll end the marriage. While there are a whole other host of dynamics in play here essentially you are  being pressured outside to change inside, but this is not a guarantee, as the other party may just take the other choice.

I feel like there is this imbalance in absolutes.. and that statement sounds like whack.

ok.. so I've said it before that in each topically concept of ideal.. just like metaphysics describes things.. and life is not black and white... those are the extremes of the spectrum of life. There is all the color in between... and you need to step outside of your colors from time to time. Life is a rainbow... no one.. or group really owns that.. as they were here before any humans existed.

Whatever exists in life there will be shades/hues/variations in it.... so the science tells me so.. ♩ ♪ ♫ ♬.

So the only way we as a species continue to evolve is by this method.. chaos theory seems to indicate this as well... the noise.. the variations... that is part of reality.

now while my ignorant mind is that... I have a barely functioning understanding of the basics of sciences based on the public education of the 80's. Coupled with whatever superfluous self educating I've given myself, I would say it's primer knowledge. Too much pop culture crap living rent free taking up space still.

The more I sit on this and stew I get these sort of solidifying opinion (is being aware enough?) towards a "bigger picture" and I really need to write them down when they happen... so I think I may have a post on this prior...

essentially it's this... so where I am now and where I was has definitely taken me down a path I did not expect. Philosophy? Really? This is where I started... and then on to the sciences and then on to history and getting back into reading and starting soooooo many fucking things I never finish them... but wait I finally finished that damn history book from last year and I just found myself smacking my optimism out of the air.

So... just like that now I'm trying to edit this gif... and I lack the software to do it.. fuck..

also.. squirrel.

Bummer dude!

 Messing around on youtube and I notice my feed has a disproportionate amount of dystopian music... 

 

this current reality is a lie... this is not the dystopian future I was sold!!!

deficiencies

 https://web.archive.org/web/20221125180153/https://ktla.com/news/nexstar-media-wire/nationworld/my-god-forgive-me-for-what-im-going-to-do-chesapeake-walmart-gunmans-alleged-manifesto-released/

 

sweetleaf

Inspired by BS...

Singing along and then contemplating the totality of reality in light of Nietzsche comment about religion being the opiate of the masses... It's not religion but the celebration of ignorance versus emotions... We are an emotionally driven species on top of the biological physiological genetic evolutionary caveats attached... 

not just a parasite

Reasons behind why would want to create...

Creating to change the feeling of monotony... The ever same/changing patterns through the years... Old is new again..

Listening to new music that is completely in the vein of my music preference... This first album from Just Mustard... Daaaaammmnnnnnn...  So good.. full album worth listening to.

Wednesday is the album...

https://justmustard.bandcamp.com/album/wednesday

assessment

Do I need to step on the gas? I feel like I'm needing to be moving more forward or whatever direction it appears to be most positive for me.. as long as it's towards a positive direction... Retrain... That was in my mind the other day... Im feeling complacent?? Stagnant?? But I have to say that I've done a pretty good job of getting things done.... For my crappy standards..

I need to work on this creative aspects now... I'm not so certain as to where I'm going... But Im moving towards art .. there are certain things I'm beginning to discover that have my attention...

Revisit in some ways...

things we take as certainty

Emotions.. feelings about things or others

To what degrees and how does one know?

So I'm going through in my head who I have to get Xmas gifts for... And who already has stuff.. and I was thinking if the pots n pans for P. Told it wod be an early Xmas gifts..

As I was thinking about these things I stopped again to ponder in where I am with her.. how do I feel about P?

I get this stinking suspicion that I do have some very deep feelings for her... But over time I started to resent her for various reasons, situations, 20+ yr history we grew apart... She was going through the motions... I was a bastard to her. 

I knew that it was done...

I worry for her. Mostly from what I consciously attribute to her stroke... She's bad at confronting reality about herself. 

I don't think it's P.. but I would love to love again.. but something that I can fall into... Something like that requires work and commitment... Something that I don't think now is the time... But fuck being alone atm... I'm really longing for some companionship... Cuddling.. 

just a little dancing

Was just what I needed...

I'd like to go more often if I could... Until I grew bored of it...

Clubs were always for me to dance.. not really socialize...

sad

It's really fucking difficult to work your way out of sad when those around you are barely holding on and you yourself are in no real position to help...

Let alone confront the reality's of others.

I don't have time to day..  I have to slave away for another to meagerly provide for what I have... Oh drama queen..

I don't want to feed this malignant stray anymore..

The always trying to avoid feeling on my daily stroll to only be waylaid on the path by an innocuous thought that comes ambling by. To wrestle it free, to run from it as if a flood we're fast approaching and you find yourself in a valley or culvert of your own making.

This paramount feeling of existence... Pain

new format

https://recorder.google.com/share/a6703d52-0bf8-4162-b4c1-c6c7014af176

What!! No share link in app??!!!!

your cats dead

I remember when I was 8 or 9 and having to tell my neighbor her cat died.

Why would older people.. well I guess my brother.. have me notify someone that their cat died..

I'm off today.. feeling a bit wonky ...

A little sad... Disgruntled... Tired... Over shit.. though am I making it more than it needs to be...

I .... Drama queen?

Depressed?

Tired n grumpy... I was wondering what happened to the mom and those girls who lived next door... 

Now I want to cry and so don't know why...

Sometimes I feel the long shadow of the end... The futility of it all... I question.. wonder.. why.. 

My brain is full of rocks with an occasional tide coming in and again..

ruled by

Superstitions and fear from liars, murders, and thieves.. aka the human race.

thanksgiving

holy crap... talk about a trigger I was not expecting moment.

Started thinking about cookware.. and how I feel you only need a couple of non stick pans.. stainless for the majority.. and thinking on techniques, hot pans, well seasoned, greased.. etc.. then thought of other ones that are helpful . Rabbit trailing in my though to get to cooking with your eyes closed... And went to Thanksgiving dinner.. and how it took 20+ years and instantly missed the fam.. crap..

authenticity and principles...

I will not un normalize my life to make yours comfortable. Though how does this compare to those who wish to be kind above all else.

I've heard said some would rather be kind than right. How then do you determine principles... What number of objects constitutes a pile? At what point can you tell when something is true or not true?   Again I come to my idea spectrum theory..

There's a way I believe that one can through study, application, and reflection. But let me step back a bit. I need to document things... Analysis.. review.

I have material... Lots of material.. I need to take the time now... Build.. pull from everything that I've consumed... Music.. movies.. tv... Commentary... 

I'm thinking about the bile of my life, those despicable actions I've committed against others. I have a deep remorse for those I've traumatized and to those that I could express that to, I have. It doesn't lessen the remorse. To be "that example". Humans are a not bueno species. Though how do you classify cancer as a species?

being able to write...

 So it feels frustrating at times... I think I finally am able to grasp this feeling.. this feeling of being on the cusp of something and feeling frustrated on not knowing how you got here or being able to express it more ... fuck.. eloquently doesn't seem like the correct one though it prolly is..

My response is probably one of the best things I've written... imo ooorrrr not crap i thought i read through that.. lazy fuck

http://www.japansubculture.com/the-amazing-japanese-wife-part-1/ 

So I'm doing a fair bit of research about Tokyo and also those who've already gone.

This is a more peripheral story..

Looking back on my years in Japan through the lens of the fucking idiot writing this story, I have to agree that all of the Japanese women that I met wanted to come to the states.  The problem was that once they got here they quit being Japanese.

 

LU

 

Sent from Mail for Windows

It's through these stories I learn what not to do.

You thinking of finding a nice Japanese jo-san for your next wife?  As I said before, once they get here they become Americanized very, very fast.  More than one GI regretted bring his shack job back.  Who wants an Americanized woman with whom you can’t communicate adequately.  In Japan it was ok, but here . . .

Yeah.. not saying it hasn't crossed my mind but reading this I also think well who's say I have to move from Japan?!? I've been doin a fair bit of reading both pros/cons and more or less, but I am resigned to being single for the time being. I honestly don't really want to get seriously involved with someone. Mostly from fear of my own doing, which I'm trying to unravel but not finding significant evidence to want to. I think I've read enough now that whether or not free will truly exists or that through effort and discipline can a person make meaningful change without being derailed by the universe?

Conscious choices.

Being alone sucks, constantly knowing about entropy and how all good things must come to an end... It's almost a choice at this point. Again fear of my own making. I'm trying to focus on doing and from what I've read it's typically lonely.  

But yeah definitely do not want an Americanized wife...Nor a servant.

Alex <alex.chavira@gmail.com>	Thu, Oct 20, 10:43 AM (1 day ago)
to Enrique
Henry	11:11 AM (1 hour ago)
to me
Alex <alex.chavira@gmail.com>	11:19 AM (55 minutes ago)
to Henry
Henry	11:56 AM (18 minutes ago)
to me
Alex <alex.chavira@gmail.com>	12:07 PM (7 minutes ago)
to Henry
Alex <alex.chavira@gmail.com>	12:08 PM (6 minutes ago)
to Henry

dido

I need to figure this out... Why I have this emotional reaction to Dido and it always relates back to P.

I want to say that I loved her... At some point.. but that'll require defining love and a whole bunch of other things... However I don't know 

I think loved her at some point but that went away... Where and when I have no clue

And as I sit in the back of this Uber hearing Steve Perry... Journey... Forever faithfully 

I'm a bit emotional... Though I think that is what could be clouding try to figure out P.

Conflating emotions... Journey is 80s and certain songs from that era will trigger me in a heartbeat.. 

But back to Dido... Certain triggers... 

P I fucking mentally abused her. Point blank. That is a regret that hangs like an albatross. I draw a blank on how I feel about her.. I care for her.. but not in an relationship manner.. as a person.. who I was attached to for well over 20+ years... We have experiences and I can't ... Form the words ... Why is she a conundrum? 

Guano

 So I'm listening to the Virgin Prunes... - Ulakanakulot + Decline and Fall

 

and was thinking how I miss the Fern's of yore.. when it was a punk bar not a who know what know.. all the old memorabilia gone.. gone.. so I was going if I had a bar it'd be a goth bar.. called Guano.. because if someone called looking you just answer they're deep in Guano. yeah... funnier in my head..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yW3z583xEpk&list=RDyW3z583xEpk&start_radio=1

 

working

 I find it humorous that after not working from July 2019 - Jun 21... and then working a no job job... Experian really was the least work I ever did for a gig to now working working-ish... it's interesting... when my depression isnt roosting i can actually enjoy it.

barely holding on

 I can't even formulate a concept idea to write about...

I'm really struggling at the moment with this all... I don't know why? I guess well there is a number of things.. and it's not like it's old shit.. past 3-5 years is still new.. hell this year.. all the shit that has happened this year alone...

I'm struggling.. and I'm by myself...

I've written about my reluctancy on relationships...

I'm listening to 38 Special and I'm crying my eyes out over something that I have no emotional connection aside from it being background noise for my childhood... I don't really like 38 Special... up there with Bob Seger for me.. not that I'm opposed to Southern rock.. just not my jam.. but I like it none the less.. they're good songs... 

So I'm thinking about all the shit that has happened this year... I'm done with un happy times.. and that's all I can see ahead of me.

I'm tired of watching life slowly fade... spring is gone, summer is a dream, fall has come and winter is here.

I need to read more... 

I've been wanting to do a musical retro.. but music really is too much of a trigger these days... couldn't even listen to Tex & The Horseheads without getting worked up.. thought other non emotionally connective music would help.. apparently not.. all this old shit just screams the past...

Musicians... having to play your greatest hits forever.. can't fathom doing that.. fuck I can barely fathom breathing.. let alone actual work.. i think that's what this is.. depression is a motherfucking bitch.. 

my past is a wasteland of destruction and for those around me.

I hate that I see the shit in everything... and I have this itchy feeling/belief/know know that there really is something to the notion of you make your own reality. Though I feel like that is dependent on a bajillion other things... and you have limits.

loneliness or not

So this one of the things that I don't know if I thank or loathe....

So I have these sad lonely feelings at the moment.. I think it's from the fact I miss my family... Despite the shit show that it is... I'm feeling very frustrated at the moment...

So I have these feelings.. sadness.. loneliness... Longing.. Fear.. 

Sadness because I don't like how things are... Things . More ambiguity... Me.. I don't like me.. is that what it is.. or just that I'm no longer the clueless self absorbed jackhole I once was... Honestly... I don't know.. I lean towards jackhole still...

I'm loneliness because we'll I'm alone... Truly alone . Not truly... But more than I like.. I hate that I want to be in a relationship but also totally afraid of another person.. fearful.. and now I don't know what is the reason... That said... Do I avoid others as a means to stay away and minimize damage from both sides... Though mainly from my fear of not wanting to hurt others.. or mostly so I don't get hurt?? I'm afraid to love? Knowing that reality is coupled with entropy... Do I use that as an excuse to avoid others... 

I love/loathe the past... Here we are again.. bittersweet... I've had way to much of you as of late... Though it's been more sour vs sweet..

I feel like I'm lying to myself... Again... 

This blockade... A facade ever present..

Twisting in my cortex..

Ever out of perception..

My brain is tired... How do others wrestle with Shakespeare/Socrates?

exist

Do we as humans react to our world in an attempt to accept it or is it more of an unconscious act of rebellion of it?

I write this thinking about egocentricity that is paramount in the survival of the self. It's built in.. it's evolution... Then we "have the ability to reason". Now this ability varies amongst the populis, though the vast majority have little any ( I include myself chief among them). Side note - I question my authenticity on this emotive perspective... In general I question my own legitimate questions, emotions, reactions to most things.. its a bit discomforting... As I'm not sure to what degree is it of my own or the culmination of my knowledge and experiences.. my biases.. pre dispositions... Even if and when I poorly attempt to wheigh matters through a skeptical logical lens... I find myself wondering is this real?? And the more come across other tid bits of information that more likely than not result in a bit of confirmation bias (fueled from science) I find myself becoming less enthusiastic about about reality. I've seen the magic trick and explored the meanings and explanations for it... Now having a big enough picture I've become disenchanted with it and now long for something new or to escape this nightmare. Entropy... Is the nightmare... But change is inevitable...

Though I also wonder how much is it of that damn med I'm on... Is this the answer to the melancholy?? 

............

So I'm having a moment... Thinking of the "trial" I had when I was 12/13... At Crossroads and being accused of events that did not happen. How fucked up that was and apparently was a key moment in my life considering I'm recalling it... And the emotions to boot. 

Feeling lonely as fuck, but at least I'm not in a position to hurt others.

habits

So I managed to commit to one activity outside... Trivia night... Sadly my restaurant of choice was closed.. I'm sitting at Lane 33.. and I find myself mindlessly searching for a ring no longer present...

Naruto

 Holy fuck.. 20 yrs..

and why the fuck does this hit soooooo damn hard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btCB_Kd0NDE

I really don't understand how something intangible could be the glue to a moment...

Naruto has a lot of meaning for me... 

one.. revitalizing my interest into anime and whatnot... but it also became a foundational aspect in a moment of my life.

it helped me get out of polarized thinking.. it helped me find strength within myself... it helped me see the world in a better way.. mostly via the underlying eastern philosophy embedded in the story itself.

Anime became part of the family... it created "bonds" (is a running theme in the manga/anime) with my kids.. family...

i miss them...

i miss that moment.. despite the hellscape that it could be at times...

I so was not expecting this emotional moment for the morning...

eeyore

Turn of phase...  Why bother.

So I'm a bit tired.

Physically

Mentally

And reflecting on my ever changing emotional state ...

I recall feeling happy.. joyful .

Now I want it all to end again.. not of my own hand but just seeing that life definitely seems futile... Why bother... Why exist if it typically turns to shit... But is that just my reality...  In that I get that one knows only what they've been exposed to... And my circumstances lead me to here... But knowing that.. it seems that is the struggle? Building something knowing it's not permanent ?!?!?

Is it the meds?? Terbinafine... That if you are reeeeeaaallllly tired it fucks with you even more so?? Seriously haven't felt this melancholic in forever... Bored out my gourd.. impatient at the situation of reality... Want to get to a different aspect.. juncture.. rhymes with puncture...

I was thinking about my present situation of not wanting to be alone... Feeling lonely as fuck... And very aware about it... Wanting to get "out there" but not wanting to bother... I hate people ... But is it just I hate that I know what I've done.. am capable of... And project that on to others...

Serially... No motivation... Feeling lazy.. and not productive which doesn't help my mood/mental state... Grin n bear it... Not 🐻..

peering within

I was trying to think of the most pretentious title I could but I'm not that creative...

So what if it's all... Reality it's totality.. just one illusion upon another.

Just because we have mechanisms in place that help us measure said reality... Science and it's various disciplines... We already know that illusions are present and the reality is already skewed.... We as people share it but individually it's ever so varied... Hence ones intereptation is ever so slightly different... Experiences are unique.

It's all a computer generated construct as played out via organic evolution.. or whatever... Don't look at me.. I'm a moron.

why I poo poo things...

Dumb wedding videos...

It's an addiction.. a longing, a never wanting to end experience, it's bewitching, entrancing, exhilarating, exasperating. It's a breath on the neck, a whisper in a ear, a caress on the arm, a joy that drives the want..

In a blink the dream becomes reality and then you have to work to keep the dream alive.

Work.. effort... Love doesn't grow on its own.

I find myself afraid.. of myself.. of wanting something I feel would be tainted by reminders of the past.. fear of something possible..or im...

Get into the groove

 So I'm sorta at a loss for words atm...  Today I dropped what games I was playing... in fact I think I realized my first addiction... one that's been with me since childhood.... now games aren't bad.. just how much time i was spending on them... also I think i'm trying to scratch an itch.... some what.. I've been hobbled with the knee issue, waiting for surgery in a couple of months.. and trying to find something to fill that void and i know i said in the back of my head.. just a game or just for a little bit.. I can't do that anymore... that is the endless playing a game on rinse & repeat... Looking at you Sid!

why do I...

So introspection is key...

Why do I... Doom scroll news, reddit habitually... Hourly.. everyday.. well when I'm not busy that is... Pavlov.. and shit 

time

Feeling at bit of everything at the moment... Feeling like I don't have enough time..

Feeling that time has moved too fast too far...

The past shadows of yesterday grow thin..

The memories that haunt... 

These necrotic vestiges of what was...

This maggot filled decayed corpse of a past...

The purifying stench of decay has blinded my senses..

Supposedly it's in how one perceives the moment... Yet when you're surrounded by shit it's difficult to see anything but.

Is being positive a blessing or a curse... Is being negative just an imitational noisey clamor of reality.

I wake up tired... Tired of breathing... Tired of living.. tired of repeating. Supposedly the future is for one to make... Supposedly 

why do we bargain with those who hold us hostage and sell us out?

So... I'm about done with that history book I've been reading for over a year...

It's amazing to learn about how a possible reality feels like an illusion... Yet again.. humanity is locked in a program of predetermination. Fractals being a good basic... Lol basic... They are fucking weird... The close you get the more of the same..

Science is fucking amazing... I sorta get it.. I get enough to know the biggish picture... The science of evolution... The history of humanity... The cycles of everything that we are all attached to... Evolution.

We are a blip on this rock... In this galaxy.. universe.. reality.  Bittersweet at best.... Hell is a better descriptor.

The 2nd law of thermodynamics... Aka fun killer.

If there is a beginning... There is an end.

I know I have my social walls and "idiosyncrasies"... I'm trying not to be an asshole. 

I've been a bit more contemplaty lately... The phrase you are what you eat... How it's not just about food but what occupies your available time will produce same said product. Why am I obsessed with this information?? 

At times I feel like my brain is a breakdown away from oblivion. There's a governor... Restrictor plate... Blocker that seems to prevent me from putting shit together...

There have been a handful of ah ha moments in my life.... Ones where I not only got self confirmation but outside neutral confirmation. Pursuing education... Philosophy especially... That leads me further down a path of trying to maintain a sense of balance... I'm no longer drowning in my own ignorance.. 

It's harder to build... Than to destroy.

It's harder to love than to hate.

Idealistic

What the hell is this shit...

Pissy mood

 I'm grumbling this morning.. grumbling about all the little bullshit things.. that really don't matter but here we are.

I'm tired of sharing space with others... I think that's it in a nut shell...

When you have people with divergent ways of going about their lives that - education/privilege/life choices/goals/aspirations even - it can cause stress for those who are up tight bitches.

Is this that though? Am I being too much of a bitch? 

I'm not the person I once was.. I don't tolerate or I should say I don't put up with other people's shit that intervenes in mine... which is another reason as to why I doubt I'll be in another relationship....

a) do i really want to to in that kind of effort? 

b) I'm too fucking tired atm to come up with other reasons.. 

again I'm feeling pissy..

I really can't fucking stand people like my mother... lazy good for nothings.. but that was me.. 

how can I be upset when i fully know that life is a chaotic shit storm of who the fuck knows you'll get.

When I know what I know.. how can I be upset? Anxiety.. impatient... fear?

I'm over a lot of what reality has to offer.. at least the advert shit. This capitalist offered curated special limited engagement once in a lifetime offer...

my anxiety levels are up... i can tell by my leg jitters.. 

balance.. really chaotic mood... not sad.. not depressed.. pissy.. feeling like I don't have time... or that reality is going to shit on my cereal soon...

almost

Was trying to sleep ..

Your ideas only go as far as you mind has been.

comida

Eating at my local Indian market... Love the cash n carries that have a kitchen. Love the ethnic markets that have kitchens, typically good cheap food options... And with my first restrictions as of late... Indian is a default these days... No complaints love the cuisine..just sad no more meat...

Completely a reluctant veganish... 

But now I forgot what I was gonna write.. it was something about me thinking about a barter of labor for food...traditions.. and how I tried to find my own traditions via a sense of identity and sadly my choice was one many take... But yet here I am where many are not... Not in a bragging sense but reality.. sheer numbers... How my lack of identity or traditions led me to craving them and seeking out the communal identity through social activities... Inspire of those ideas being batshit crazy... Fuck humans are dumb.

"Reality"

 So in the wake of my step mothers death I'm thinking about the totality of reality. lol

Then read this...

Especially around how we perceive it, and how it's our experiences that shape us (positive and negative experiences that become our guiding path our referential moments, memory anchors that help shape our reality to be and at present. I personally believe that life does not have a simple answer, but once you understand enough science and history coupled with the time for introspection, weighing yourself against all of this. This being the opportunities to reflect, contemplate, meditate on the information you have up to date coupled with new experiences and information.  Reality for me is this... I see how evolution/the science of the "Big Bang" (universal expansion), coupled with biological evolution, philosophy, history, psychology, physics, and a spattering (smattering?) of everything else sciency... PBS shows, TV, Film, etc.. School... Understanding that humans are complex, and layered and being able to understand yourself and the world around you. Emotionally aware, cognitively aware, am I here??? 

That's the thing about reading.. all it's rabbit trails....

When you see the intersections of reality come together.. the connections in a web of information, of experiences, of your life, of who you are and the world around you then you'll know. The information is there to pull yourself out of your shit.. you just have to accept you are nothing... pure humility. Tear yourself down.. strip your ego from yourself.. rebuild it in the image YOU want... who.. do.. you.. want.. to.. be..

I want to be a better person than who I've been... both in what I think are fundamentals... better in my health.. mindful of my physical well being... in all aspects.. but understanding the balance needed in all things... my health and as I age dictates choice I have to make know because I WASN'T mindful 20+ years ago...  Mental well being... same as above.. How cognizant am I of my habits and behaviors and do you understand the current typical biological responses that drive them. The psychology behind human behavior... By understand I'm talking college level 101 classes in around human behavior, sociology, see above...

pain

Why do we hold on to pain?

Why do we inflict it upon ourselves...

Especially for those we love? Do we think that this is the only way we'll remember them? That if we stop hurting that somehow we'll forget them?

I have a handful of people I can't let go of, granted some of this pain is new and fresh and honestly I don't want to not hurt when I think about it... But there are others that while it's been decades... I can easily lose my shit about it.. them. Losing my shit in the sense of becoming almost inconsolable, with an overwhelming sadness. Fuck my anxiety is through the rough at the moment.. and trying to focus on work and having a difficult time about it.

ocala

Humanity is a bitch...

Living is a bitch...

Trying to decide whether or not to go on is a bitch...

Why is there this drive to live?

Why does evolution wire live ng creatures with the flight/fuck/flee motivations... The survival bullshit... The bullshit that fucks one another over...

I hate that I'm writing this... I hate existence... The pain.. the bittersweetness that is reality. I'm a spoiled bitch..

musical triggers a retro

My dad rock vol mix playlist... Judas Priest.. Turbo

Junior high Serrano... I was split between punk and metal at this point and Judas Priest was huge... Still is..

Her name was Dana and she lived in the apartments down the street ... Lake Forest & Toledo.. I was interested in as much as she was.. but for some reason I equate this song with her.. though nothing ever amounted to anything.. she was more.. middle man friend than anything.. again.. Jr high..

Christy Griffin... Now she was the metal hottie I was interested in.. fuck nostalgia.

fuck this antibiotic

I want not start crying as I'm afraid I won't be able to cease...

Cease.. stop.. alto... No se..

The thing is about this verge of tears moment... It just causes memories of everything to come creeping in... Teen years... Missy.. the past.. those being affected by reality today. Who's pain is the same... It's pain.. a pain you do not want to feel.

There seems to be an issue with this 

Now that said.. personal physical violations, mental trauma, sexual trauma, trauma that robs one of experiences... Thos not in developed countries... The poorest of the poor... They seem to be free more so than those of the developed countries... I'm enslaved to my environment, it's modern convienences..

A brain in a vat...

 So what is something I could write that would be illuminating to whomever reads this...

Google brain in a vat... Renee Decartes.. Western Philosophy.. Eastern Philosophy... Aboriginal Philosophy... Native Philosophy... now that last one is probably a bit vague..

The Native American philosophy... Now the thing is.. I don't buy all of it.. I take bits and pieces of what other's have provided.. I learn and ADAPT!

or so I like to think.. If evolutionary philosophy... that is.. this idea of evolutionary ebb and flow over time... there is nothing new under the sun.. you know.. I can't keep a solid thought straight at the moment.. I'm really thinking about the philosophy entwined within the tv show Westworld... especially the concept of not being able to understand something or to mentally block it out.. looks like nothing to me...

We can only accept what we are accustomed to.. or so I've read.. Something about Science and witchcraft depending on your relativeness to time & space.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clarke%27s_three_laws

I'm avoiding the shadow in the corner at the moment.. He called and left a message. but I in turn didn't need to reply because it was just the forewarning call.. the call that says hey things are looking better.. but are they.. lately I've been seeing the shadow out of the the corner of my eye more these days.. sometimes I see it on the news, well actually I see it on the news all the time.. it's become so prevalent... I hear it talking to the cat in the house and her calls in response... i feel bitter about this.. as the cat in question is not mine to care for and the friends of the shadow are sure to remind of the predicament. 

but I know i'll have to the mark soon to be left from the shadow...

not sure I like replacing death with a shadow.. but I can understand how the terms or even superstitions come about...  and i'm still a grade A moron..

lonely

I'm not sure one way or the other how what degree of loneliness I'm at. I know there's some.. probably more than I'm aware of. Yet that wall goes up.. that immediate mental blockade of I'm not going to tempt the idea of being in a relationship with someone else. Let alone having to wade through that pool... Shudder..

The truth will end it...

 So I'm talking out my ass here....

Regarding the current search warrant mar a lago shit... being investigated on the espionage act.

The pursuit to prosecute will throw us over the edge... already seeing the tale tell shit of  boiling over for years...

really rough day

Holy shit this is a bad one...

I really need to get out of my head ATM .. but that not happening..

rough day

Everything in my head is going apeshit at the moment...

I feel like I'm having a panic attack... Feeling very overwhelmed and overdone... And I know it's all in my head... But here we are.

I think I know why my mom never held a job down that brought the slightest challenge... Because fuck this anxiety panic attack moment not really being helped by the weed or not... Fuck... I really feel like it's allllllllllllllllllllllll fucking pointless...

Meds???

it's almost finished

An actual project... Almost done... Seriously... Wtf..  I got here.

I'm exctatitc and this day exhausted... Rode 12+ miles yesterday... Almost finished with the bike rack... Sushi dinner... And I need ointment on my elbow before going out..

Fuck old... In the deteriorated parts... The wisdom/knowledge aspect rocks!!!

What is this called???

 So I'm thinking about how long it took me to learn how to cook. Fuck.. in fact it's twenty years + of my current go to trade of IT P C.. I'm now starting to get it... but it took a long time to get here and a lot of apparently effort on my part... which I'm really coming to begin to understand that existence on Earth is fucking lonely.. even in a crowd.. especially there. It's been since before we left from NC since I've had sex... and I'm kinda not really but I do.. but fuck trying figure that whole shit out... yeah.. I'm too busy at the moment.. but I still want to socialize.. but fuck living on this side of the valley... deadsville..

So the idea was how one can extrapolate other topics not necessarily directly related... using metaphors.. is that it.. metaphorical speech.. see complete moron i am...

LB

My initials are now LB

Little Bitch

Because I whine like one .. seriously stressed myself out there for a hot sec re j o b

But still not out of the woods...

day 2

Btw trying to quit weed

Woke up and my negative thoughts about EVERYTHING popped up... Where I live... My situation with fam and there situation.. my leg.. and just fucking miserable... Fuck it's difficult to want to move past this.. I want to sit here and dwell on all the shit...

Oh... So all the celebrity deaths over the weekend... Fuck the past year, as been a bit of an alarm for me... So many faces I grew up on.. my own mortality is being brought into question..

I'm feeling overwhelmed... But why.. why am I reacting to things ... A. Outside me control.. B. It has nothing to do with me.

Why the fuck do outside forces have such an impact?

Why the fuck am I wired as such... And while I'm awake at the moment I'm anything from being coherent.. my brain feels like jello... But again..

 day 2..

I have things to do.. projects.. objectives?

Meh... I have this ambivalent attitude at the moments. I'm working on them and that's one of the things I've been having to re train myself on.. setting expectations.. time-frames.. doing away with constraints.. things that are unrealistic and further erode at what I want to build... I need a notcher... Currently also occupying my grey matter synapse space atm.. how to build shit...

I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin at times.. now being one... Definitely felt like I'd rather be dead lately... Not offing myself.. but won't go out of the way to stop it..

My inner self and patience... Being in the moment.. now.. stop with everything outside of myself... But how when it's the outside assailing me??? Or??

Knowing, not knowing..

Feeling stressed and no REAL LEGITIMATE reason for it... Want to not exist anymore... No likey...

SCOTUS saves trump

I'm watching the abc news yt vid on Jan 6... Listening to what's being said, mainly from the committee saying in actual words "coup attempt"...

For some reason I thought if the SCOTUS coming in to save him some how someway... The Thomas wife trump thing... Hey... there's probable cause.. 

I hope he faces a firing squad and all those bastards!

Doomed I tell ya!

 So I'm just a cynical pessimist.. but hey what does history tell me?!?!?

So today I just read about the US 1st reported case of Polio... holy rat fuck.. as if things couldn't get worse..

Now I didn't live through it.. My parents did, the only thing I recall was the scar on their left arm and or hearing about it maybe possibly via the March of Dimes... wow.. I wonder how many kids.. (not Gen X) know about the March of Dimes? I say this because while my memory is fuzzy about what they were about back then. I fully know what they are now... FDR. Salk.. Iron Lungs.. If I remember it popped it's ugly head up to be a national problem after WWI... but let's check.. 1894 first recorded outbreak.. 1907 NY City had 2500 cases...

So yeahhhhhhh... around 1916 is when it jumped to 25k plus cases...

FYI - epidemic section on the History of Polio....

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_polio

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paralytic_illness_of_Franklin_D._Roosevelt

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonas_Salk

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/March_of_Dimes

MonkeyPox continues to be a nuisance... some are asking for it be escalated in awareness... severity... what's the phrase... epidemic.. yeah...

chibi kami

I'm so guilty of this and yet not the worst offender. The notion of human and their delusions of godhood... Is it those who are most ignorant? ???

Now my brain just went 💤💤💤 😴

I wanted to write something but my brain just went and dead ended me.

oxymoron

Don't trust those who don't trust science.

I don't trust science.

The thought in this is... I trust science to guide me in a more realistic reality, but know full well not to put all my eggs in one basket. A) I'm a dumb fuck... See So Crates Johnson

B) Science may help inform me of reality but it also tells me I'm a dumb fuck. See above note.

There are no guarantees in life, I plan for the future just to be told to fuck off. Thanks Obama!

/S

Do I really need that?

The explain in that for the back section... I am attempting to put something into action... Attempting key word. And much like Pacino.. I can't get out. Out of my head that what I do actually matters... But it's a bit of a misnomer.. is that the word... Confusion on this.. that is.. if change isn't possible then what was all my past work for?

Yeah yeah.. ultimately.. in my ignorant wisdom... If the universe is to cease existing at some point in the future... It's pointless... Is this a program? I'm finding out more and more about what a crapfest illusion reality actually is... But yeah.. there is something to the whole fucked up world... It sucks though looking through broken eyes.. even I see a beauty that is there, a beauty that humanity has destroyed... A beauty I've barely explored... I'm jealous if those early nomadic groups or explorers who've witnessed the awesome beauty that litters this planet... Sadly what was once beautiful is now a shit pile... We've reached a tipping point and true to fashion we've bitten off more than we can chew... Why does this feel like the Dark Crystal... Currently it seems we've reached a Global boiling point across the board on tolerance, patience, discussion, war, peace not being an option, ignorance running rampant... You know I'm sorry but somehow I feel slightly responsible... I really wished I hadn't said the world should just burn when I was a teenager in the 80's.

So I'm on this weird path ATM of attempting to quit smoking weed. Instead of being blazed all day, I've cut back to after work hours. Plus I'm not buying, so when I'm out I'm out. 

Pranky idea... Qr code in a pop culture ref image of a song.... Put them up..

Pepsi can - Institutionalized

This is Fine meme - End of the World.. as we know it

the trap

Any sense of certainty is probably a trap.

Expectation of continued same state is a fallacious expectation.

Certainty seems to indicate lack of growth.

How does one adapt, change, evolve that allows for maximum joy? Keeps one mindful of reality, but also allows to embrace reality less grizzled about it?

Entropy kills fun.

Entropy is the cycle of death... I need to finish this antibiotic.. my faith, pornography, seventeen seconds moment needs to pass.

I may have found something, but I'm not sure. It seems very pedantic and self serving and not sure.. i think my brain is getting in the way but I don't want it to be my ego.. fuck this sucks atm..

more weirdness

So I'm in a weird stress response atm...

Playing video games... Easily zone out on them...

Problem is... Repetitive response enjoyment.. just like rat park.. diminishing returns.. etc..

Google it..

Also a bit of insomnia... I'm trying not to letyself get overwhelmed.. i need to go to 7 eleven.. waste more monet on lotto.. i like the misspell

I had a weird idea about the job project I'm working on... How I need to make it personally professional. Relatable in a manner that brings perspective to the context...

And just fucking do it.. which i have.. which IS REALLY FUCKING WEIRD... I'm confident I can do the job... I've never been confident in much.. but i think i got this.. i am however freaking out about my knee.. money.. job.. etc.. 

And I know there's nothing u can do aside what is immediately presented or what I steer towards... In order for future events to happen...

I think I'm garbage.. why do i persist? I'm worth more to my family alive than dead? Something else? Is looking for answers pointless??

Deja vu part deux?

 so.. i'm feeling weird again.. sorta like that time when I went to donate plasma day.... see previous feeling weird posts...

I feel nauseous.... and very disoriented well not very I can type this out.. but I do feel very unwell off.. 

I took a xan.. script.. let's see it that mellow me out..

stress?? I know I'm stressed as of late.. and then the window confrontation.. guy using open yard plan to access next door... very unnerving.. I got all worked up.

hyperbole

So this is a straight up drama queen post..

It's really hard not to see how much death and destruction is all around us... One of the more difficult aspects is that damn.. was I this oblivious or just it wasn't on my radar..

Side note .. not feeling bueno... Head is all sorts of weird.. brain.. fuzzy.. aside from the THC..

Noticing more pains and what not.. bad headache.. though u did stop my crestor 3 days ago.. withdrawals??

Fuck this shit.

The DQ aspect... I see the world imploding sooner vs later... Shit is getting outta hand..

But whaddya expect with a bus full of remedial delinquent nut jobs...

soooooo

When the nuklear dust settles and humanity crawls back out from it's years of forced subterranean dwelling due to the fact the US was subverted from within but those rotting carcasses we call humans ushering in our destruction like they think they are bringing their fictional dieties (Christianity is polytheistic, don't let them tell ya different) ideas of an apocalyptic ending here or what?!?

 fuck this reality

anxiety stress triggers

So part of the whole mindfulness thing is attempting to get ahead of feelings and emotions that don't help create a more positive mindset.

Though i find myself wanting to say fuck it on certain days.

I feel like if there is this dichotomy of humanity it's in this... Wanting to care and not giving a shit.

There are times, even bad times where I have this resilient focus (for the moment) and want to push forward.. fuck even in my more extreme (these days) moods I feel that I should look towards a more beneficial outcome versus say my scorched earth approach... My mother.. avoid/ignore/retreat

I'm finding that when I'm suuuuuuuper tired I'm a wee bit more cranky than my grandson. Things don't go well if I remain in that state.. 

Balance

The reality of shit is we don't have the same reality...

New books.. more read

But that's a dead end (???) 

That is i firmly believe I'll never have the level of understanding that i want..  it's a pipe dream and detached from reality. Again I have this notion that too poop much of one thing creates the opportunity for polarized thinking and that leads to extremism.

Tired brain no function..

cultivation

So I'm thinking about the cycle humanity... Socially speaking.

Because it's difficult for humans myself included and I'm probably being myopic in this, to see beyond themselves. 

How humanity is in this position of dispariting ideas and the lazy greed fueled ptb continued to drive us towards the edge, so what if a bunch of people die in poor impoverished countries directly as a result of a super power or by proxy...

This is where writing being becomes so important... Not so much for others but to get the thoughts down.. for notes.. this will be compiled at some point... Some point... Soooo much fam shit..

Such conflict atm.. internally... Why do i let it bug me?? Why do I get emotional.. apparently or supposedly it's because I care...

So my emotional how could you be so not observant internal monologue is because I'm emotionally concerned or something if the sort..

Hmmm... So now i want think about that.. which means probably not... Honesty.. I'm a bit stoned atm.

Why does emotional concern become aggressive?? Defense response?

Idea... It's easier and requires less mental resources if not in a specific care category???

So I'm self validating it happens???

Honestly no fucking clue... If I knew... See this is where I feel it's the physiological aspects that drive and determine out futures more than conscious thought... Our biological drivers... Mentally we finds the means and ways to achieve... Everything else is secondary that doesn't support those drivers.

Can we make a conscious effort to influence them.. absolutely.. we can see the effects.

So it takes conscious effort to effect change.

Desire... Why do you want change?

What for .. goals.. ambitions..

It's a self replicating, but don't confuse this with a one and done... Conscious effort .. continuously replenishing with new information, relevant, all imcompasing, foundational, factual, historical, relaxing, enjoyable, and at times entertaining.

Balance...

Learn your cycle...patterns...

Document.. journal...

learn the playground rules

It just dawned on me or i think it did...

So I'm writing notes down for the Logic book I have that I'm about to start studying... And it dawned on me.. why am I doing this? Why am I motivated towards this direction?

Because the person who I was up until a certain point....

Now i think that's a bit of a misnomer... Person who I was.. lol

I've come to the conclusion that my past actions define me as garbage. That is my personal assessment. Sure I could point and blame my parents or environment or socio economic status or family dysfunctionality or my unsupervised antics due to my parents being fucking broken like the rest of humanity. Now that said... Responsibility becomes apparent and using failure as a teacher and not the punisher.. unless it's something unavoidable. Inherent danger in the activity even after foreseeable precautions have been taken results in the harm of one or more. This concept that hard people need hard time... Holy fuck these people should be put down. Usually the polarized nut jobs with imaginary friends.

How are you cultivating??

disruption of balance

Whenever you have a disparity or imbalance of a system, it will exacerbate harmful chaotic elements into the system, the localized system of a region such as a planet, from there you can see the hot spots. 

Humans are garbage however I don't see... Exactly

I don't see. Because my knowledge is nothing compared to totality.

The disproportionate systems humans have developed flys in the face of reality, the reality of evolution, it's natural rythyms, it's natural cycles. Though what is expected when the average education level is 6 years at best. 

We are "advanced mammals". Who feel and act like gods...

The sheer levels of ignorance needed to overcome humanities shortcomings is that huge ass mountain on Mars... Olympus. Had to look up the name..

See.. humans have to make sense of shit... Label everything..

Don't hang your hat on knowledge... But absolutely avoid ignorance when it's possible.

make a list

So the no bullshit thing is bugging me... I'm feeling like I am.. like I'm a pedestrian to my own life...

A npc.. in my own world..i wonder what this feeling in inadequecy is... About what my expectations are for myself...

I think that's something I... I...

Hmmm... I very much feel this need to hurry up and purchase a car.. however I need to get started on the farts n craps dev aspect... Which involves tool and tool accessory buying..... Eek.

On top of trying not to go overboard on things... G kids... Impromptu trips.. i need to focus on finances... Food at home... Options.. 1 night out.. document cravings...

DINO OD

 Officially od-ing on dino's...  so freaking excited!

damn redhead

 And here I find myself waking up from a very powerful and vivid dream of that redhead.

I thought this was done but oh boy is that not the case.

Strong women... Strong intelligent women..

But I'm just feebleness at best.

I was at some sort of resort w retail.. 

I wanted to talk.. but it being a dream sure wasn't gonna happen.

And now the tears are here.

I think itore likely just the memories at this point... Powerful ones that are tied to it.

I need to get over this...

last day

So...

I think this trip was much better. No explosive meltdowns as of yet. Progress seems to have been made, but I'm not sure if it was progress of the necessary kind. The sustaining kind..

But it was a trip.

 

Bittersweet it is. Emotions are still percolating a bit so I'm on guard. 

What is i am after? How do I know know??

My ignophobia is present... But that isn't just about my own ignorance it's also about making sure what i think know isn't bs either.. is that possible...

Why does this drive me so?

Fear... Anxiety... Powerlessness...

I don't think I'm where I "need to be".. is it just my perception.. distorted yet again?

I'm thinking about that Carlin special i watched... His LSD experience..

I relate ... It scares me at the moment... Because I know there is this human connection.. and it scares and excites me..

Knowing that others see the world the same...

But is that an illusion.. as no information outside of oneself comes to but by instruction/experience..

I'm sure this is a half baked thought... As there may be an exception or two..

The "ah-ha" moments imo are a culmination of other events/information/experiences... 

I feel like there is this cultivation aspect... Baking a cake... Building a house... Etc.. that helps to paint the picture...

Hmmm... What do I want to do?

Everything... Damn it Zach... 

I need to create an income flow that works for me... That uses my skills.. grows me.. and helps me to achieve goals...

To do Historical skills list...

Skill dev... Mentoring.. social skill building... 

Fuck I'm an emotional fuck... 

I feeeeeeeels scared excited apprehensive curious wondering about the feels around the idea of change/growing beyond who I am....

Re invent oneself...

It's not just the tissues

 I just found myself talking to myself like I usually do and going what the fuck was I going to write about.. fucking squirrels...

I was thinking about my mortality.. and how do you explain to people reality. Or am I bullshitting myself here...

that is I do not think I will live as long as my father... why I don't smoke tobacco, I do smoke cannabis. I did stop smoking cigarettes awhile back, the last major episode was in NC when I had lost a job there and smoked 4 packs in 2 weeks then quit... Had one there after and am completely sworn off them for good.

and i found another squirrel here on the desk.. this blasted harmonica I found...

it was something to do with finding myself getting older.. not a clue as to what it is.. my back.. my knee.. my leg.. something.. farghafarhgfjl;asdfoiu12340i99i

any who...

i think I'm a bit peckish...

Words Fail Me

 The innocent ignorance

bequeathed at birth.

Finding ones path 

has been rutted.

Unable to move

Unable to breath

Unable to think

Wanting only to break free

from this rage cage.

Drowning in a sea

of my own faking.

Looking this gift

horse in the mouth.

I sigh this breath

resolving to change 

but here we are again, back to faking.

 

Words fail me

And my ignorance of everything

Cataloging my influences

 So I'm editing the bird movie I made.. the one that got me wanting to make weirdo art films..

and I was thinking about the creative things that have influenced me.. and now I'm wondering if there is a category that I can do to determine what types of themes/genres/etc I can quantify to extrapolate and valid data... or it would just be anecdotal and self serving??

For instance while I was sending the first edit draft to BB via email... I was writing a bit about what influenced me and how best to watch it.. which I mentioned that I had more to do editing wise and it would not be a final final... VSDC to learn and all that.. processing time is insane per edit.. 9hrs plus..

so yeah.. a bit of things to do.. in the mean time.. just more of the keeping sharp but not letting myself get burnt out.. I really hope I'm not bullshitting myself about this job situation and comforting myself beforehand.. that is cashing a check I think i have... when in reality I don't...

Hey Maverick!

anyway..

Now Is the time... - MLK and that song that samples it. and I'm gonna go insano in the braino bcuz I can't find the song in my head that is part of that context..

So I was thinking about my creative influences...

Especially what I was into... tv.. movies.. video games.. the stories behind them that got me interested in more than.. so i kept looking..  kept looking for what I was "in to"...

With video games it was RPG, fantasy, adventure, builder.

All those Epyx, EA, MicroProse, damn so many 80's shops that made games...

EA - Bards Tale 1,2,3 / Heart of Africa / Adventure Construction Set / The Video Game Maker/ Archon/ so many others...

SST - All the AD&D games.... every little piece of minutia I filled my head with. The mindless bullshit of entertainment... now.. I wouldn't be here now where I am writing this.

I sit here and look back the mountain of shit that my life is built around.... and having to clear away what I can takes time.. as what is my day to day focus shift and varies dependent upon said activities and or emotional states and or unforeseen events which are beyond my control. Be like water

So with that said I was wondering if ones interests push us to create idealistic realities.. and how do we cope when our ideas clash with reality.

I want to like in a house of fantasy... that is a house that if you stepped into you would think you had been transported to another reality... a reality based in fantasy and sci fi and steam punk and cyber punk and futuristic and modern victorian or some weird hybrid combination of past and present and future that varies from room to room..

I'm torn on the library to be honest.. Victorian Steampunk... but what if there's something else I like.

So yeah.. I want to create and I think I'm in that realm now that I have chilled the fuck out enough or so I hope I have that maybe I can actually create shit... I can taste it.. holy shit.. I feel like my objective is within reach.. and I'm not able to grasp due to a handful of issues... money. logistics.. location.. family..

I feel alive.. hopeful.. there are things I want to do and I know see them to be within reach...

So I want to do it all...

I will make things... furniture.. film.. art.. sounds.. action... being.. words.. food... sense.

wow...

 So I'm just posting because I realized it's been a few days...

Started to edit the movie.. fuck this is gonna take forever... I'm hopefully gonna have some fun with it.. i need to look at some other VFX options.. blender?

making movies

 So the one film inspired a whole rash if other ideas... Bought stuff to make more films.. we'll see how it goes...

And now i need to shoot at the beach... 

Need to make a portable shoot device/gear/shade cloth...

Getting more ideas... Michaels trip...

I think I inadvertently made a movie...

 That or I'm just a moron..

I'm going with the latter but anywho..

I liked the film.. I need to throw it up on a proper video editor.. the phone is not working..

I think there are more than enough elements... it feels organic.. and deep.. or at least I thought so. It doesn't feel pretentious.. weird.. yes.. pretentious.. no.. 

I need TITLES!!!

ooohhh... 

soo yeah.. editing now. we'll see.

Evolutionary change in relationships

 So I'm rewatching Naruto and we are on the 4th visiting Naruto... 

And one of the underlying themes of the drive for Naruto is to hold on to the bonds that he has put together as he seeks to become the hokage (leader). 

I was thinking about how we as people.. as humans strive towards lasting bonds but typically we fail, I believe, in this endeavor as most bonds only seem to be superficially created or artificially. Especially as kids or young adults we don't know any better, we bond on commonalities, chance encounters, and cultural traditions.

What if it's this drive towards this manufactured reality that is awry?

Why do we have mechanisms built into us that are contrary to the laws (or appear that way) - 2nd Thermo... 

change is inevitable.. to push evolution forward we have to procreate.. we have physiological drives through out life.. all due to evolution.. reason.. evolutionary development of reason.... hhmm... more questions..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjlNzuB-cNQ

Totally digging this song..

Fishcake

 

My Nindo

 

I’m trying to figure out things and I think it just really fucking dawned on me atm the moment…

 

Plato’s cave

Trying to relate to others

Having other relate to me

 

So, there’s this part in the allegory (PC) where the one who is now free returns only to be ridiculed.

Is it our imagination that lets us dream for more than this?

 

And being in a low point at the moment I’m rewatching what fixes that mood. Re watching Naruto…

As dorky as it sounds, it realigns my mental state.

Baka

I’m in this weird state at the moment… I have this sour feeling in my body.. and not sour in the pleasant sense… it’s mixed in with grief and sorrow and bitterness and pain.. my body is still prone to physically feeling stress in my shoulders  and neck.. but I can be hopeful. So that’s the sourness I guess..

I get these waves of self-reassurance of knowing (I hope) that I’m doing what I know (key phrase) based on what I’m starting to learn. I’ve just begun to understand myself