Woke up and my negative thoughts about EVERYTHING popped up... Where I live... My situation with fam and there situation.. my leg.. and just fucking miserable... Fuck it's difficult to want to move past this.. I want to sit here and dwell on all the shit...
Oh... So all the celebrity deaths over the weekend... Fuck the past year, as been a bit of an alarm for me... So many faces I grew up on.. my own mortality is being brought into question..
I'm feeling overwhelmed... But why.. why am I reacting to things ... A. Outside me control.. B. It has nothing to do with me.
Why the fuck do outside forces have such an impact?
Why the fuck am I wired as such... And while I'm awake at the moment I'm anything from being coherent.. my brain feels like jello... But again..
day 2..
I have things to do.. projects.. objectives?
Meh... I have this ambivalent attitude at the moments. I'm working on them and that's one of the things I've been having to re train myself on.. setting expectations.. time-frames.. doing away with constraints.. things that are unrealistic and further erode at what I want to build... I need a notcher... Currently also occupying my grey matter synapse space atm.. how to build shit...
I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin at times.. now being one... Definitely felt like I'd rather be dead lately... Not offing myself.. but won't go out of the way to stop it..
My inner self and patience... Being in the moment.. now.. stop with everything outside of myself... But how when it's the outside assailing me??? Or??
Knowing, not knowing..
Feeling stressed and no REAL LEGITIMATE reason for it... Want to not exist anymore... No likey...
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