I write this thinking about egocentricity that is paramount in the survival of the self. It's built in.. it's evolution... Then we "have the ability to reason". Now this ability varies amongst the populis, though the vast majority have little any ( I include myself chief among them). Side note - I question my authenticity on this emotive perspective... In general I question my own legitimate questions, emotions, reactions to most things.. its a bit discomforting... As I'm not sure to what degree is it of my own or the culmination of my knowledge and experiences.. my biases.. pre dispositions... Even if and when I poorly attempt to wheigh matters through a skeptical logical lens... I find myself wondering is this real?? And the more come across other tid bits of information that more likely than not result in a bit of confirmation bias (fueled from science) I find myself becoming less enthusiastic about about reality. I've seen the magic trick and explored the meanings and explanations for it... Now having a big enough picture I've become disenchanted with it and now long for something new or to escape this nightmare. Entropy... Is the nightmare... But change is inevitable...
Though I also wonder how much is it of that damn med I'm on... Is this the answer to the melancholy??
............
So I'm having a moment... Thinking of the "trial" I had when I was 12/13... At Crossroads and being accused of events that did not happen. How fucked up that was and apparently was a key moment in my life considering I'm recalling it... And the emotions to boot.
Feeling lonely as fuck, but at least I'm not in a position to hurt others.
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