barely holding on

 I can't even formulate a concept idea to write about...

I'm really struggling at the moment with this all... I don't know why? I guess well there is a number of things.. and it's not like it's old shit.. past 3-5 years is still new.. hell this year.. all the shit that has happened this year alone...

I'm struggling.. and I'm by myself...

I've written about my reluctancy on relationships...

I'm listening to 38 Special and I'm crying my eyes out over something that I have no emotional connection aside from it being background noise for my childhood... I don't really like 38 Special... up there with Bob Seger for me.. not that I'm opposed to Southern rock.. just not my jam.. but I like it none the less.. they're good songs... 

So I'm thinking about all the shit that has happened this year... I'm done with un happy times.. and that's all I can see ahead of me.

I'm tired of watching life slowly fade... spring is gone, summer is a dream, fall has come and winter is here.

I need to read more... 

I've been wanting to do a musical retro.. but music really is too much of a trigger these days... couldn't even listen to Tex & The Horseheads without getting worked up.. thought other non emotionally connective music would help.. apparently not.. all this old shit just screams the past...

Musicians... having to play your greatest hits forever.. can't fathom doing that.. fuck I can barely fathom breathing.. let alone actual work.. i think that's what this is.. depression is a motherfucking bitch.. 

my past is a wasteland of destruction and for those around me.

I hate that I see the shit in everything... and I have this itchy feeling/belief/know know that there really is something to the notion of you make your own reality. Though I feel like that is dependent on a bajillion other things... and you have limits.