last day

So...

I think this trip was much better. No explosive meltdowns as of yet. Progress seems to have been made, but I'm not sure if it was progress of the necessary kind. The sustaining kind..

But it was a trip.

 

Bittersweet it is. Emotions are still percolating a bit so I'm on guard. 

What is i am after? How do I know know??

My ignophobia is present... But that isn't just about my own ignorance it's also about making sure what i think know isn't bs either.. is that possible...

Why does this drive me so?

Fear... Anxiety... Powerlessness...

I don't think I'm where I "need to be".. is it just my perception.. distorted yet again?

I'm thinking about that Carlin special i watched... His LSD experience..

I relate ... It scares me at the moment... Because I know there is this human connection.. and it scares and excites me..

Knowing that others see the world the same...

But is that an illusion.. as no information outside of oneself comes to but by instruction/experience..

I'm sure this is a half baked thought... As there may be an exception or two..

The "ah-ha" moments imo are a culmination of other events/information/experiences... 

I feel like there is this cultivation aspect... Baking a cake... Building a house... Etc.. that helps to paint the picture...

Hmmm... What do I want to do?

Everything... Damn it Zach... 

I need to create an income flow that works for me... That uses my skills.. grows me.. and helps me to achieve goals...

To do Historical skills list...

Skill dev... Mentoring.. social skill building... 

Fuck I'm an emotional fuck... 

I feeeeeeeels scared excited apprehensive curious wondering about the feels around the idea of change/growing beyond who I am....

Re invent oneself...