Friday, October 28, 2016

And like that reality changes...

I was wondering what is to forget what the fuck you were going to say because your title took all your attention.

Oh... So I grew up playing 1st and 2nd edition AD&D. Got very familiar with the contents of numerous books to the point of memory. Now with computers I wonder if knowledge is retained the same. Almost encyclopaedic like.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Damn you Billy Joel...

So about 7 beers in... And GOBs.. we didn't the start the fire.. only after having kids do I understand this song... Though it's always hit me...
There's has always been some fucking issue... Before we we born...


46 yr old me - commenting... WTF?? drinking and technology don't mix... I already cringe knowing how many posts have occurred.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Where to begin,,,

so we've talked... sort of.. it's been communicated that we should split..

this is not easy on any level...

Saturday, August 13, 2016

And the chemically induced state talks yet again....



4 beers later... not a fan of the urquell


I come home convinced (self inflicted most likely) that my course is the way.. but just as Charon demands a fare... so does my life.

I would be dumb to say that I have not been affected by this,...

I have spent weeks arguing against myself...

but it comes back to the desire.. as selfish as it seems.. to live my life on my terms... and at this point I want to be alone.. this is a small world after all. Would be a shame to miss it...


I thought the reminiscence of  family would cure it.. but it doesn't...

I must see this world that I live in.... with my own eyes...



46 yr old me comment - I'm actually looking at maybe a ray of light.... we'll see.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

And just like that it changed...

A little smile is all it took.. and those big brown eyes..

Oh Kiara...

You're gonna drive your momma crazy...

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

And yet again...

I continue to struggle with this...

stay married or go do my own thing and live my own life on my terms..

I want to travel for a bit.. then maybe go to school in Europe for a while...

or stay married and wonder...



Married over 20+ years.. the youngest just turned 18.. just graduated high school.

We are in the midst of a move out of state to "start our lives over"... like life.. it's complicated.. We have a number of business ideas we are floating and it was to be a big move so we could pretty much start things over how we want it. The cost of living in (U.S.A. - particular expensive state) and not being able to afford it any more, plus the fact we have been talking about moving out of state since forever.

I was all for this till about a week ago... it was when I was being scolded by her again.... she accused me of leaving her high and dry or something to that affect.

Aside from the obvious that she has thought about some fucked up scenario.. I actually hadn't till then.

Unlike the other times when it would have been first on my mind.. never acted on it.. but it was there.

Now.. I can't get the idea.. the prospect of being alone... I know I'm trying to logic my way through it... and I know that that is a fallacy in and of itself...

but what about because it's what I want to do with my life... I have only one.

I'd tried to reason it away... but it pops back up...

A life unexamined is not worth living...

The Call Of the Wild... (London)

Hemingway...



The history of life isn't made by sitting around....--Me

Monday, August 8, 2016

Its been a few months

So I have been thinking... Mostly about whether or not I should end the marriage.

There have been a number of the things over that past year. Most importantly her inability to deal with change.

It's not that I don't love her.. I just feel that with this one life that I have... I don't want to be married any more.. or be with any one for that matter.. I want to live life for me.

To come and go as I please. And that is not a option at the moment.

The fact that I'm writing this four beers in at the bar with Pam.. says a bit.

My stomach has been acting up lately and I'm going to equate it to this.

It's not that I'm not aware.. I am.. and then some.

A life unexamined is not worth living....

Aristotle

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

And here's where we enter the twist,,,,

yeah... not feeling very confident in the loan request,,,,

Thinking this is what changes the whole thing...

Friday, July 8, 2016

26 later...

Finished all 26 Zatoichi films... that soundtrack song on the last movie was pure 80's cheese.

The Loner....


Update - 2019-06-03

Zatoichi still rocks..

Thursday, July 7, 2016

part of having a blog is to use it...

I'm really bad at writing when i think i don't have to or should...

But I've come to realize it's these moments that I really need to document...

My anxiety is pretty bad at the moment.. I've come to realize this over the holiday weekend..

but I think i'm trying to ignore it...

I'm still on the fence about Pam and I....


or am I... or am I being melodramatic?? or am I being to apprehensive?

I have been thinking about the what if's five ways to Sunday...

I have to say that I'm not really a fan of the person I'm with... she's very boring... in so many ways...

and conversely she's awesome in a lot of ways...

I really am evaluating what is her issue... why does an emotion keep... fear... holy fucking shit you moron it's fear... how do I know this... (and a conflicting thought comes flying in)

great now I'm psychoanalyzing my mood at the moment...

I'm very emotional at times and in fact I have certain things that I know can and will get me to cry pretty much on command...

conversely I can logic the hell out of people in my life where I can cut off contact and not really give a rat's ass. This includes family members as well as close friends... then again... my quality of friends is decent at the moment...

I have become somewhat cynical with age... and I don't necessarily like it.

I have this (dis)ability to not care... but I have to say this really feels like the beginnings of an uprooting of cardiac proportions. I know I've had some bad stress issues this year already.

I know she has been stressed out... for no real good reason.

I know I don't deal well with other people who are in my boat...

I have a hard time when she is "broken"...

She doesn't deal well with change... abrupt change... she has over reacted on sooo many things the past month.

She's a ghost chaser and it's always around the corner...

I'm not scared of trying to live my life now I guess.. I don't think she is... we'll see how things turn up in NC....


Monday, July 4, 2016

The Last Huzzah?


So I'm sitting here at 42 wondering if this is my last opportunity or what....


Why is my life so attached to my past??? Older music... 80's Alt.. and more.. but certain songs really pull on the heart strings... and sadly some shit has just sold the fuck out... but I get it... sadly I get it.

we all have a price when push comes to shove...

We're moving to NC... I'm fucking excited... but I have this 125# tumor of what if... that's really killing the whole thing.



Saturday, July 2, 2016

The first day of the rest of my life...

Watching a video were this singer on AGT goes straight to the live show and says that line....

For him I truly feel he is correct... and I'm completely in awe of this turn of events for him. I'm glad for him....

Then as soon as I finished that bit of news... I'm reading about how the TSA is beating the crap out of people.

and I have a kitty on my lap...

it's the Friday before the 4th of July....

7 til 10... it's fairly quiet....


Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Big life change moment...

So at 42 I said now or never...


With a job contract ending on the 30th of June I quit on the 2nd.

Taking a page out of the Spam's playbook I'm betting it all on one thing... selling the house.

We are getting the fuck out of Garden Grove and California with that.


N. Carolina it is...

So needless to say things are a bit on edge at the moment...



but it's all going as it should....

We have the bills that need to be paid being paid and food on the table.. and cash to have coffee as needed.


However someone of the tinned processed meat kind is having a conniption or semi stroke during this whole thing...

Sadly my intake of substance both natural and non have increased just to deal with her...

Truth be told.. I have contemplated splitting once the house sells...


..
..
..

I still do...

I'm being honest...

However for some reason I still stay with her... and honestly i think she is the same in thought... why the fuck him?



I'm not delusional... maybe fanciful... but I'm aware of the situation and who I am....

If I was a sociopath I might be able to carve something out.... but I'm way too lazy...

I'f I can't do it myself then I'm not interested....

Plus I'm on my 5th Brownie.... as in Newcastle...

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Noctis Industria

Cottage Industry

So a lot has happened in the past few weeks... found out I was losing my job... quit my job.... put house up for sale... moving out of state.

Getting a new start on life.... or so I hope..

I have to say.... that I'm very disturbed by how Pam is acting at the moment...

and it's not to say that I can't empathize.. I have my own anxiety issues... it's just she is seeming very... Grandma-y... afraid of things.. life.. change..

Like one that hasn't lived life.... honestly it's had me thinking... actually in some ways I wish she'd leave...

(side note... have been off meds for 2 days... ran out.. back on as of writing this)

It's not that I don't get sentimental... I just recognise that it's silly in the grand scheme of things.. (though I'm fairly hedonistic in my own selfish ways)

Then again I'm 42... 43 in less than 2 months.

My pursuits are definitely or a more (attempting) scientific reason based endeavor... (despite this language I will dig a hole to cook a pig)

I'm a bit peaved with my Bro at the moment... then again I think he was on the edge anyway... the drama with him is amazing... and he's managed to become a perpetual victim. Seriously... not the only one in the house with that psycho... your fucked up scenario is no different from mine... but you just choose to not move on....


Monday, May 30, 2016

Is it racist...

If I make a TouchTunes playlist with all black performers...

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Let the good times roll...

I always find it weird how I can easily get distracted by the mundane and nostalgia driven curiosity of the internet.

Music and movies... that pretty much covers the low hanging fruit for me. I'm a addict for nostalgia... but conversely it has unexpected consequences from time to time. Namely the mood that changes or can change from a trip down memory lane... no matter how short it is.

Moving in Stereo from The Cars and Fast Times At Ridgemount High... milk and cereal.... beans and rice.. pb and jelly..

The thing is this song and movie don't hold any memories for people or events... it's just another reminder of  past.. the past... that seems to be haunting me all the time..

The Cars... a band I like.. but never went crazy over.. they were the 80's in some way for me... along with so many other things... but I guess the videos and hearing the music all the time probably do it for me...

Just What I Needed is playing.. and it's making me a bit over emotional.... and I'm not sure why..

well probably for the mere idea of being able to go back...

I saw a post online today or yesterday that posed the question if you went back in time to age 10 and knew what you know now what would you do...

1.. tell my mom to fuck off..
2. invest in Apple & Microsoft.
3. profit..
4.???

I'm really amazed at how there are events that can set off these reactions...

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Im not replacing so and so, just taking the open position.

That has to be the most depressing thing in all the world.

Think about it in the grand scheme of things... We are all replaceable and nothing truly matters.

Sure it's a pessimistic type view... But what is pessimistic, let a lone it's opposite but an idea that is rooted in emotion.

Strip the emotion away and yet again... We that place value on things that have no meaning in the grand scheme of things.

This is just an exercise in thought... I fully understand the significance of emotions. I say this as carefully as possible so as to not misconstrue the reader.

I would consider myself a realist. Regardless of my emotions or input.. Life will continue.

However I see hope in the future of continued  scientific exploration in a manner that benefits all.

Not having the means to do things fucks with your head.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Yippie eye Yea

Ghost Riders in the Sky....

I'm in a weird mood.. I'm slightly buzzed.. slightly high... but in this weird euphoric state of the past - present and hopefully looking good future...

In a country mood thanks to my pop... I feel fairly content at the moment..  things feel good at the moment and I feel optimistic which I never am....

I think I'm there and It's weird.. because this could change my life forever... for how I want it to... and

I'm slightly irritated that it took so damn long... and I say that in a playful sense.. somewhat...

not in a self righteous sort of way.. I hope that's not the intent.. it's the sense of why do I have my middle age to go through this vs.. my youth.. I would have rather been doing this in my youth...

and in some selfish way I guess to exploit my youth as well.. I'd be lying if it wasn't..

I feel like I've found my "thing".... maybe?? I hope...

That's it... if FOOD..... I finally I found it.. holy shit.. I'm soo fucking dense...

Ok...

Soo Food has always.. well at least for the last 20+ years that I have toyed with it in some serious fashion or another..  granted it took me 20 to figure out how to cook.. not great.. but better than most.

Mexican food.. I've been making sauces for years now.. and that's it.. mail order my sauces.. and I've i can do things right I can get financial backing..

I'm holding back my emotions.. I'm bursting at the seams with over emotionalness..  the prospect that it has finally come.. or at the very notion that it has.. is making me to be distracted..

but to actually thinking that if I can change my current status in any fashion excites me beyond belief... and by all means is the first ray of light I have seen in a, long, long, long time.

I may not have to resort to the how grow... well at least on a sustainable scale.


---Update 6/3/2019

Food is not it... something something something else.. maybe my experiences or a book or something using the NS site.. but it's not food.

Turning point??? Like complete life changing type of turning point... you know.... that identifying marker of is this really it?

So I was looking around for an industrial kitchen.. a commercial kitchen to cook up sauces. Why? Um.. Well...

AND JUST LIKE THAT!!!!

ESE' was born.... right fucking now.

Enchilada Sauce Empire....


I laughed my ass off.... seriously... I can't believe I'm going with that.... Now do we pronounce it E-S-E or Ese'!!!

I will need to come up with seasonal sauces....  summer is easy... or you know... I could do the hatch chile one as a completely separate special limited batch edition.....oohhh you fucker!!!

ooohh....

I likey!!!!





Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Back on meds.... first new dr appt tomorrow.. plus murmurings from the homunoculi

So first with the homunculi as that was the whole catalyst for this post to begin with...

I was pondering in a fleeting moment as usual... aka I'm stoned and thinking.

About a post on reddit that said how a guy started working with some black women and it was a totally funny story about mistaking a new hire... who wasn't she just changed her weave. He being white saying he had some things to learn.

Which got me to thinking about black people... and what do they prefer to be called... black or A/A - African-American.

To which then I was thinking further about how I don't really identify with anything... aside from nationality, that being an American. Nationalism is for idiots.... a country deserves no more allegiance than that which it gives to ALL of it's citizens, I'm really enjoying the American Revolution history lessons I have been getting lately. In fact now that I think about it... while it's not happening as quickly or expeditiously as I would like... I have been learning stuff... and I'm still volunteering at Urban Workshop. so yeah... there.


Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Wisconsin 2016

I'm fucking flabbergasted.... You can't make this shit up... The GOP acceptance speech is so fucking rehearsed it's not even funny.

I got your back... Are you fucking kidding me??

I can't believe how ignorant I was about things...

But I have to say on a historical perspective... Now is a pretty fucking epic time to be alive.

This is some serious shit happening....

If Sanders gets elected we could see a number of things....

One.. Total civil war... Or some uppity poor sports starting trouble of some scale... All speculation.. Dur...

Two... Be the next major historical figure to launch humanity into the best possible future.... Verus death and destruction from the GOP.

Seriously conservatives are the fucking Empire in my opinion.... I used to be one.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Washington & Alaska

So weird thought came flying through my head....

Should Bernie win the presidency... (one can only hope) and the tea baggers/conspiracy preppers/racist rednecks should go all crazy that would be something.  Not necessarily is that a good or bad thing... it is just something. How things play out in the long run is what is important. I hope it is Bernie... if there is anything i have learned in the past few years is that the best changes in history have always from from the left or liberal side. Only the conservatives are the ones who want to oppress and hold people back.

Read your history.. especially your scientific history. It's all there... those that questioned and used reason and logic have always been persecuted.  Socrates.. Galileo... and others. Those that opposed the yoke of oppression have always been on the more beneficial side of history.

I'm not saying things will be better over night... but it is the course correction that is sorely needed. I must admit since I have come to embrace science and follow it with what it proclaims. To discover the world around us and through observation of the natural surroundings here on Earth determine what is provable through logic and reason.By means of science have we come to where we are and if you actually stop to ponder the nature of humanity and what is possible.

That really is amazing and inspiring. What I do today here and now can make my name last on forever. Though I think through the ages of time I am just but a quark among the infinite of quarks.

In some ways I'm fully convinced this is some sort of computer simulation and the games I play are but a glimpse into said idea. It is frightening... so frightening.. and I feel like there is a thin membrane that separates me from sheer terror on the subject. I've never felt as freaked out about something as I think I am when considering the topic of just being a simulation. It's not like I'm about to piss my pants or something.. it's the frighteningly haunting shadow in the dark corners of my mind that vanish when you pay it attention.

I remember my weed od that one time... where I was convinced Pam was one of them... and a lizard person.. or something to that effect.

There was a moment that I felt like I couldn't move. That I was being held against my will. This was terrifying to me single handed one of the most terrifying moments of my life. To be restrained... not bueno. Not a fan of it.

So this freaks me out from time to time and while it's fanciful idea... it's just that.. an idea, until something comes along and proves it or not.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Answers... always looking for answers

Socrates is thought to have started it all... then with Plato.. Aristotle... to the scientific revolution and to today.

We have come from living in an age of hearsay, superstition and non nonsensical explanation for the world around us.

Sadly for me it took till I was in my late 30's to start on that path. I almost want to laugh about it at times if it wasn't so maddeningly frustrating that life really is a matter of discovering for one's own self. So many catchy phrases run through my mind about being shown to the water so to speak. How no matter how much you read or know about something it will always have a different impact on you depending on where you are in your life experiences. 

How far my thoughts have changed since my 20's/30's... stuck in that irrational thought system of religion and it's inability to accurately portray reality for what it is.

Though I must say that even in my current state (just now getting back on meds) that life is what it is.
That everyone's individual experiences are unique to a point but there are so many physiological similarities that is makes being unique difficult to say the least. None of which isn't already exacerbated by the fact of how we grow as humans and the phases we all go through at the bio chemical level.

I've always wondered about why the target demographics for a lot of things (Goods/Services) are always 18 - 45 (ish). Only recently have I come to the answer that you get to a point in your life where none of that crap really matters. You become more wizened in your day to day life of what you accept and what you don't.

Currently I'm stressed beyond my usually capacity... I can feel my body getting more tired as the days go on. To that I hope things get moving and can change for the better. Granted I'm at a loss for what is going to happen should they not... let alone if they should.

This unknown... I'm intrigued and distressed at the same time. It's something that I know I need to move forward on but the unanswered and unasked questions remain.

Never the less I know that I have more answers now then I every did. I never had a single answer from religion... and I now I never will.

All I know is that why after 40 do things start to click? Is it the years of experience or just that I'm reintroducing myself to things I had forgotten? Did I forget them or do they now hold my attention that I want to devour them in one go.

I've been spending a bit of time on not doing as much as I think or would like to. I still find myself stuck in a rut... (being off meds?)

All I know is that I need to change things.. myself especially...

I find that I read/watch things about special unique people and it does inspire me... though it also makes me wonder if I'm being a bit of a weirdo, self absorbed, snowflakey?

I know I day dream a lot... and start things without finishing them... (gate cough cough)

I don't know.... I mean.. I know who I am.. (for the most part - still have a question from time to time)
but it's the other things that get to me.

Mental health is a bitch.. and having mental health issues is a bigger pain in the ass.

Logic... Reason... Critical thinking... this is the cornerstone of modern society. Too often does the human race cherry pick what is needed for the moment vs. the long term of things. C'est la vie

Yeah... need to get back on the meds and back on track. I hate being hear where I am... but then again.

I wonder about a lot of things... lately it has been me and how I deal with others, relationships, etc.

Who I talk to... who I want to talk to.. etc.

I honestly feel like I'm disconnected from everyone... like what I'm thinking is what they are thinking or are capable of thinking... I'm not going to say it's a smart thing.. that's not it.. it's an elevated thinking.. enlightened thinking..

Though I don't want to be pretentious despite that is probably how it comes across...

I've rediscovered my love of all things science... and my thirst for knowledge in all the scientific arenas is still plugging away.

I do know however that I have a number of habits I need to change... and that is going to be a slow boat to china at this time. 

I've been reflecting on my anxiety as of late and how uncharacteristic it is of me in my 20's.... nothing bugged me. Then again I was clueless about things as well....

Saturday, March 19, 2016

That was silly.. and other news.

I've noticed I say silly in referring to my "episodes" which is another disingenuous term to say another panic attack filled moment fueled by depression making me want to kill myself. Bi polar.. is another term i may want to include, all of which can only be attributed to my not being on meds any more and the firm clear conclusion that I need to me on them. Which doesn't help knowing that I HAVE to be on meds. Just reinforces this broken mentality I have, even when I'm trying not to. I guess what a hypothesis on the whole experience could be as such...

things were better when i was on meds.. despite me not really knowing how to judge my feelings. Were they a legitimate feeling, chemically induced, or other.

Knowing now what I know... I have to resign to being on meds. Sadly I view this as a defeat at the moment a large part of me was hoping that I would not have to go back on meds. I'm at a point in my thoughts... where I may have to quit other things. At which I throw up the excuse of why should I.. and then I remember things over the past few years and having a hard time with a lot of things.

Though I don't rally want to go into it at the moment.. and besides that... I completely forgot what I was going to say the other news was.

So stressed out at the moment though... Still not where I need to be and I hope things can get better sooner vs. later.... fuck not having insurance.. and what the scam it is today.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Bullshit

I'm glad I'm high at the moment...

so today I took off early.. left an email and swung by to say I was leaving but no one home.

I get a text about texting before leaving from now on. Then I got a call... what a load of shit.

He really does have control issues...

Fuck that.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

It hit me in the past few years.... I no longer think like I once did.

Let me just say that I hit a point in my life where nothing made sense...  and only till recently have I come to a point in my life where I've come to understand who I am... and it was the most awakening experience I have ever had.

And no one knows about it it... well for the most part.

I did tell my brother at one point during one of our talks about how I know who I am and said I was more or less an atheist at that point.

He's about the only one that might have an idea but I don't think he'll be able to convey the more true intentions and reasons behind it.

This link I found lays out more or less what I've gone through to a point... some I've still yet to go through.

Below I have listed 20 signs that prove you have evolved as a person:

1. The Foundation: You know who you are

According to psychological identity theory, there are four stages of identity development. At stage one, you have no identity. You blindly accept whatever ideology or values system was taught by your parents or family members.

At stage two, you begin expanding your social circle, but you passively go with the flow of society without questioning. You lack authenticity and obsess over fitting in and pleasing others. Like stage one: no true identity.

At stage three, you begin to experience an identity crisis. You realize you’ve been faking, copying, and blindly following your entire life. You begin to question your choices and values. This leads you to explore new lifestyles, belief systems, choices, friends, and cultures.

However, at this stage there is little commitment and depth. Instead, it is endless searching for the next thing. Most people are stuck in a perpetual identity crisis. They have no clue who they really are.

At stage four, you have courageously voyaged through your identity crisis and autonomously committed to a particular identity (i.e., ideology, occupation, relational values, etc.). You continue to explore. However, this exploration is grounded on foundational beliefs and a clear sense of who you are and what your direction is in life.

Moving forward, I will define an evolved person as someone who has achieved their identity.

2. You know what you want

As an evolved person, you commit to a certain path in life. You know what you want in life. You have direction. One of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is—Begin with the end in mind. In all things, there are two creations: The mental creation and the physical creation.

You can design your ideal destiny and consistently move toward it without getting thrown off course—because you’re committed. Endless exploration is over. You’re ready to go deep and far.

3. You feel like you’re where you’re supposed to be

As an evolved person, you feel a higher sense of purpose in your life, like you’ve been guided. You are in the right place and on the right path. This is more than a mere belief—but a spiritual confirmation. You are aligned with your highest self and manifesting the life you were meant to live.

4. You believe you are in control of the outcomes in your life

As an evolved person, you have what psychologist call an internal locus of control. You, not external factors, control your life. You believe you are responsible, and thus have power to create whatever future you want.

5. Your life is set up on your own terms

As an evolved person, you are no longer reactive to other people’s agendas. Every moment of each day is spent doing what you want to do. You are doing the work you love. You are spending time with people you want to be with. You are making the amount of money you want. You are in control of your schedule. Your schedule doesn’t govern you.

6. Your life is more simple

As an evolved person, you have simplified your life. There is an art in slowing down and smelling the flowers. You’re not racing through life. You’re present. You prefer experiences over stuff. You’ve removed everything from your life that distracts you from your highest purpose. Everything in your life makes sense being there. It’s purposeful.


7. Your goals become manifest quickly after you set them

As an evolved person, you are connected to your higher source. You’ve learned how to create the results you want quickly—often instantaneously. You believe it, and quickly you see it. As Ralph Waldo Emerson has said, “Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.”

8. You attract the right people into your life

As an evolved person, you attract the right people into your life. You are moving toward a huge vision and the needed connections and mentors always seem to show up right when you need them. As Buddha has said, “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.”

9. You expect luck/miracles to happen often

As an evolved person, you expect luck and miracles to happen in your life. This is your natural state of mind. Things will work out. Rare opportunities will present themselves. You expect it, believe it, and see it. In fact, from an evolved perspective, miracles are the norm. To not experience miracles frequently in your life shows you’re disconnected from yourself and your higher source.

10. You set aside time every day to ponder and meditate

As an evolved person, you go out of your way to be alone. For example, Sara Blakey, CEO of Spanx, only lives five minutes from her office. However, she purposefully drives an extended 45 minute commute to work simply to provide the time and space to think. This is the same for tons of creatives. They chunk out time every day to ponder, meditate, pray, and reflect. This is where inspiration and breakthroughs happen.

11. You’re highly selective with your time

As an evolved person, you say “No,” to most invitations and opportunities. As Jim Collins has explained in Good to Great, you realize that one-in-a-million opportunities happen every day. You’re not seduced by these distractions. Your time is only spent on things that truly matter to you.

12. You do things everyday to create the future you desire

As an evolved person, you don’t procrastinate action. You’ve moved from dreamer to doer. Every single day is spent actually building the future you want to live in.

13. You feel a gap between yourself and those you used to associate

As an evolved person, you feel a gaping chasm between yourself and the people you used to spend time with. This is perhaps one of the saddest parts of becoming evolved, and one of the hardest. At some point in every evolved person’s journey, they had to disband themselves from people who pulled them down. However, once they did, it wasn’t long before they were nothing like their old friends.

14. You seek change constantly

As an evolved person, you embrace and seek change constantly. You love transformation. You love having your paradigm shattered. You love cultivating new habits. You love engaging in new things that challenge you because you love growth.

15. You find joy in taking risks

As an evolved person, you feel alive when taking leaps of faith. You love that moment when you’re about to do something that utterly terrifies you. You know that you’re attempting something that most people would never consider.


16. You notice truth hidden in everything

As an evolved person, you notice subtle truth and connections in everything, while watching movies, having conversations, driving in your car. Life is your teacher. You are deeply connected to the universe and are sensitive to even the smallest connections and lessons.

17. You’re conscious about what you eat

As an evolved person, you see yourself as a holistic being. Every aspect of your life impacts the whole. Consequently, you are aware that the food in your body impacts your mind, emotions, spirit, relationships, and everything else.

18. You care more about other people—but less about what they think of you

As an evolved person, you care intensely about other people’s wellbeing. However, you no longer care what other people think about you. Other people’s perceptions no longer govern you. As Martha Graham has said, “What people in the world think of you is really none of your business.”

19. You no longer compare yourself with others

As an evolved person, you no longer compare yourself or compete with others. Having a sense of unique identity, you realize that no one else can do the work you are intended to do. You have your own unique mission in life that only you can do. So there’s no reason to copy other people. There is no competition. You are an innovator.

20. You Genuinely want the best for others

As an evolved person, you are happy when other people succeed and sad when other people fail. The success of others is seen as the success of the whole. You genuinely want what’s best for everyone—even those you would consider your enemies. You only have love for every person on earth. No hatred, envy, or guile.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Crazy idea

Well not so much an idea as in a fanciful wondering...

I was really impressed with what Elizabeth Warren said recently in describing the current political climate concerning the GOP.

The country is pretty divided and the right has been drinking heavily from the teat of insanity that is the tea party for awhile now.

With the charged political climate I wonder if one side or the other is ready to start something. Let alone attempt something with the candidates even into the presidency of who ever may win.

Question.. If the idea that the corporation's and or the powers behind said corporation's is what they are portrayed as should we not be concerned?
If nothing happens does that mean it's a false premise?

However I think history would side with the premise.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

New appt

So my first appt is slated for 4/18... i'm apprehensive about it.. I know what will be entailed.

Not 100%.. mostly on board.. just not 100% about it.

But let's see..

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

I'm my own person...

It really is a different mindset...

I don't know how to explain it.... but those that shape the world do so by going their own path.

It's not necessarily about fighting against the system but exploiting it for what it is.

By knowing how people and situations work and taking advantage of that.

It's been pretty bad lately.. the emotional roller coaster of mental bullshit.

It looks like it is going to come back down to needing meds... I don't approve of it.. but know that I have seen enough of the drama I'm done...

conversely.. the more I read and think.. the more that I'm wanting to go my own way.

It really is a do or die moment... but how do I do this?

and that's the pisser... she won't accept any answer.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Why I'll never identify with an ethnic group...

The more things change... they really do just stay the same. I'm twenty years past my youthful days of being idealistic and naive about the world. Though I'm probably still idealistic, my naivety has been tempered into cynicism and reality by years of life' interactions with our fellow man.

I'm at a loss the more I read about how fucking moronic the non-white voters are, but I have to attempt to constrain those initial thoughts with the premise of "what I know others may not and vise-versa".

Though my interaction with others should solidify that though on more ways than one. I don't claim any prodigy like abilities unless self deprecation is something to be lauded. I suffer from depression and I use the term suffer to only highlight the fact of what a shit it has been this past week, but that's not the topic I want to discuss.

I could qualify as a American with Latin origins. My father having been born in El Paso, Tx from which our roots stem from Chihuahua Mx. Supposedly our roots trace all the way to Basque origins in Spain.

I don't speak Spanish so for all intents and purposes I have always identified as white, be what it may.
I grew up in Southern California. I went to suburban schools with mostly white kids, granted my location in Huntington Beach has a small influence of Asians, hispanics, etc...

School was not something I excelled at but wasn't something that I failed miserably at either. As most of my teachers would pen on my report cards, "Has potential", I did manage to score straight A's one semester as a personal challenge, but my "do things my own way" attitude made sure that only happened once. School for me in my mid teens was about "why am I here", despite the somewhat existential tone, it was primarily reflecting on why be in school. I knew school was needed but I always have fought against the powers that be or the establishment if you will.

So when I first heard of Bernie Sanders running for President I was beyond excited after reading about his proposals and how he wanted to make the changes to this country that are sorely needed.

Though as I continue to read about minorities continue to vote for the cunt I'm flabbergasted at the level of stupidity that is rampant within those demographics.

That's where I'm at a loss... and I just have to rack it up to a level of moronic stupidity that just rings true to the idiom on how dumb Americans truly are.



Monday, February 29, 2016

stuck in the middle with me

Finding that as I try not to over think things I still end up overthinking things....

then again.. what is overthinking?

Sure you can look at a menu for too long... hell I spent 40 minutes driving around Costa Mesa trying to figure out something to eat only to end up at Del Taco... again..

Other times I just rush right into things.. with out spending an ounce of thought into whether it is a good decision or not.

I'm there again... on more than one thing to.

I'm tired.. slightly hung over... but I find myself wanting to end things again... what do I come back to this... again and again..

This is were I come to some bad conclusions... namely lack of self worth.

I really don't see a point to life... yet to scared to want to end things.

This existence is fairly mundane and repetitive and boring as all fuck... granted if ones has means I'm sure it's a lot better... but after years of putting in time and nothing to really show for it... working that is.. it's hard not to be beat down on life of what the fuck is all for? so I can be old and in shit health to have that prolonged.

I'm really at a crossroads here in some respects...

tired of being tired.. and nothing seems to work.. (or at least in my head nothing seems to work)...

What do I get from my troubles... nothing but more troubles.. (Sounding like Poopdeck Pappy here now)..

I'm not saying that life couldn't be better I honestly don't see it happening.. even with my harebrained ideas as of late.. I just see myself stuck in something else... why am I wired the way I am and why does it seem like I can never break from it... my habits and behaviors... (getting over emotional again)..

What changes.... can I effectually do?

Friday, February 26, 2016

Oh hey...

Just remembered one of the big reasons why I do stay around...

Despite the statements of how I'll break her heart.. sad to say but divorces can do that.

However... it's also because of the notion that I think she'd actually die from a broken heart... stroke prone and all. So that's why I feel trapped... not too mention kids that are completely directionless.... oh to be that age again. Well at least 2 that I know of.. ohh the suspense.. naww I'll you try and figure it out.


Shit I can't post on Facebook

I was scrolling down Facebook...

45 Grave page comes up with their song Party Time.

My immediate reaction was to post a comment about how I almost lost my virginity to that song. Getting busy with the girlfriend, this is in the late 80's, the said song was playing with one of the greatest zombie flicks of all time.... Return of the Living Dead

This was the first time trying to get it on but needless to say with no experience in said act no one knew what to do precisely.

That someone is Meredith... now that's a story for another day. That story is not going be a good one...

And I found out a painful truth...

So today is the over emotional.. but thanks to smoking some herb... my emotional levels have stabilized?

This song..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyLGYDBkLzw

Sergio Mendes
Never Gonna Let you Go...

I'm pretty sure I put this on a tape for Pam... waaaaaaay back when. Back when one professed their true emotions on a mix tape of current music.



I figured if there was song that I would associate with... this would be it... but it's not. Missy's?


I was surprised it wasn't her... couldn't think of any one else. Then it looks like it's actually some fucked up reminder about my Mom... and actually I can see why... I was on my Georgia trip... this she was playing this song during our trip... The visual of the memory is faded... I just remember it was in the car that she was driving... and she had the tape it was on. 70's/80's Jazz/R&B was what i was raised on... Miles.. George Benson.. Spyro Gyra..  Donna Summer... David Sanborn.. Steel Pulse... KEARTH 101 when they played stuff from the 40's, 50's, & 60's. She'd gone to the Playboy Jazz Festival on more than one occasion. It's weird but when you get older you start to analyze shit in more detail... either that or I'm really getting over emotional at the drop of a dime lately. No I think this is just how I'm dealing with getting old...  or the stress over the past who knows how long.. Xander?

This is one of the points I'm at... I'm fighting.. shit.. I'm fighting myself...  I know I am... it's the waaaaay too lazy part of me making excuses.. on sooo many things...

projects... well actually I've been fairly busy since the 1st of the year.. maybe a couple of wknds I could've gone and worked on shit... but honestly I think I'm approaching the point of no return..

not in an end my life way (not that this past melt down at work it's didn't come to mind more than a few times) but in a change my life completely sort of way. I feel like I'm being held against my will in a manner of speaking... or having conformed to manner through emotional bonding over the years on a I feel like I have grown as a person in ways that I can convey fairly textbook on how I feel, but would be meet with strong resistance even to the point of emotional manipulation. Now before i go further.... 1) I am fairly stoned at the moment.. but honestly I feel a bit better after a mild cry.. mild in my opinion... compared to say.... Xander... if you know what I mean.

anywho..

after 20 years... after everything we have been through and back... I struggle with the idea of ending it all.... I feel like there is a big part of me that wants to be ALONE going forward. Why.. well let's just say if this is your first reading of said grievances then just wait.. it goes back to Thanksgiving 2015..  usuyally the more mad I am.. the more straightforward the post title is.


But most importantly... I don't have to really give you an answer... There really is a big part that wants to say do it..

but I stay.. I don't know why... at least that what it feels like at times.

I feel like I'm 20 years too late for anything now... whoo hoo the wonderful self esteem..

I talk a lot... and I'm really chomping at the bit with hopfeully being self supportive... but scared shitless at the same time...

I'm struggling to stay... and I still feel she could've done better.

Songs I heard but didn't really listen to...

So in my blissful listening to Rainbow I get side tracked with an email from work about the Song of the Day...  a random co worker will submit a song (sometimes) on Friday.

And I'm finding myself getting completely over emotional about songs I heard as a kid... some of which I guess are ingrained in my memory... and most of the ones I have now gone on rabbit trails after... On YouTube you have your video but recommendations for other video maybe by the same artist or similar artists or songs.

Chaka Khan
George Benson
Michael McDonald
and I'm sure I'll find more if I keep acting like Alice...

I think I'm going to need to get this out of my system... whatever this is.. and I hate that I can't figure out what this is...

What is this shit....

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Under Pressure

Why does nostalgic sentimentality get me?


Just wanted to watch a David Bowie video or two and the rabbit trails go from there...

What is this.. why am I so quick to being over emotional... and then I stuff it down for another day..

Well being at work doesn't help and if I had the privilege of privacy for some time I'd be a wretched mess.

Getting old sucks... this human experience.. this point in time in the world and in life. he knowledge that we have now versus say even 100 years ago... hell 50 years ago.

Anywho... nothing really matters to me or so the end of BR goes.




Friday, February 19, 2016

Do they realise...

The complaints from conservatives about government programs and especially the bs with Sanders being labeled a commie and shit.

They complain about the cost of shit has much has the next person. Though they don't see the government sponsored program for what it is. Which is their tax dollars being spent in a manner that makes it affordable to live and thrive. They're to caught up if one cent of "their tax money" goes to some gay illegal who is seeking asylum from a Middle East country.

We all were a part of being fed a line of fairness and American Dream bullshit if you've attended any public school since well before McCarthyism here in the US.

American culture is primarily left or right, though there is this culture in the middle. For me I'm to liberal for my conservative friends and too conservative for my liberal friends... Which is more or less my perception.

Next steps...

Now that is part of the ride... the past few days have really thrown me for a loop and then some.

I've been trying to figure out what to do for some many years and I think I've finally figured it out.

So I figure why not start growing on a more permanent basis.... it really is the only thing that I can do at this point that doesn't require a shit ton of education to move on to. I've done a ton of preliminary research and practice. Well one grow isn't a ton but I think I've figured out enough to where I can grow enough to maintain a decent life hopefully... 

We'll see. will need to start looking at building materials and what not.

I'm no where near where I want to be but I think this is my last chance.


Thursday, February 18, 2016

Not of sound mind

I see why people drink and what not... I see that is masks everything... I also know that I can't see myself going that route... I'm not scared of death... I'm scared of life.. I'm scared of everything..

Im really tired of it..  I don't want to live.. Or do I?

I hate myself on so many levels.. And my regrets seem to be center stage as of late.. And the shit at work is just the icing on the cake.

I hate this existence...


Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Life sucks

Sad to say seeing my blog title makes me cringe as probably this post will too.

Why is it that I feel like I've been feed a steady diet of bullshit since birth?

Here I go again with over emotional rants on stuff... that I have conflicting feelings about.

Conflicting feelings about life... my life and all that it entails.

Right now I would take the easy way out... maybe.

I'm trying to get my head around things... but I'm not able to... I feel so inadequate about everything...

I feel everything is useless and pointless... this is the biggest topic at the moment.

this is the one that drives me again and again... to wonder why bother..

to what end?

For what?

Outside of family... no one gets affected and so what.. life goes on. obla dee obla daa

I'm back here again... back again.. here..

tired... of it all.. tired of being broken..

I hate being here... I hate it.. I know me... I know what I do... and I don't ever see it getting better.

I'm tired of it all because I don't see it ever getting better.... no matter I do... it just goes to shit.

This is what takes me to this point... this point that I've been to before.. and right now I'm not sure..

I'm not sure about what I want to do... I'm tired.. tired of trying... I don't want to anymore..

I give up...








I don't believe in miracles....

Miracles are for those who can't understand shit and want to have some sort of imaginary reasoning behind the way things are.

With that said... it'll be a miracle if I get through this day.

In this context I'm using it as there isn't another phrase I can think of at the moment.

It's pretty bad at the moment.. the depression that it... literally on the verge of losing since this morning.

It's not good.. not good at all..

I'm really not having a good time at all... everything thing seems to be an never ending shit storm.. and I'm feeling very defeated at the moment. in everything... and really not able to through through said shit storm.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Growing Apart

How long is love?

How long is marriage?

Why do we cling to our past? Or at least why do I?

I had something sort of an epiphany the other day while talking to my wife... I feel like I've grow beyond our relationship and beyond her. I doubt these revelations and feelings... I doubt them because I know I have a tendency to get ahead of myself...

but I take note.. just as I take note with a number of other things that have happened since then...

I'm a bit confused on this... on so many levels.

Have I really grown beyond the relationship?

Do people stay in relationships just because?

I don't really see her changing... I don't like that she hasn't change now that I look at things.

I'm also under the impression that if I left... it wouldn't be good for her at all... given the stroke from last year along with everything else.

I really think she'd die if I left..

And I don't think I have any options if that is the case...


Friday, February 12, 2016

More silliness..

I call these events silly...

silly in my eyes... my over emotional response to the events at the end of Dragons of Spring Dawning. The whole book itself.

The events, the characters... whatever it is about this story. It speaks to me in sweet tones of adventure... and more.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Silly and dumb

If I could live my life in a fantasy realm such as DL it would be amazing.




Chest pains

Side note... I've been having some slight chest pains over the past month...

Part of me thinks its the high cholesterol... It could very well be. After 40 heart attacks are possible with HC.

Part of me doesn't care.. a part much larger than that that does.



Not liking the body at the moment... Not sure what I can do.. that won't disrupt my already complacent apathetic do nothing schedule... while there is some truth in this...

Weird day... head feels cloudy... unfocused more so than usual. tired.. very tired.

I always have this lingering feeling of weird stuff from time to time.. weird thoughts...

being trapped in this body...

knowing that I know nothing... to an extent.. but what I do know is somewhat terrifying I guess.. or what I choose to believe for the moment. My current paradigm on life and what not...

Not trying to sound pretentious... but the more you think about life as we know it especially if you prescribe to atheist leanings or the current hot controversial ideas of the universe.

weirdness level 99

Friday, February 5, 2016

Dragonlance Chronicles

It's silly... but none the less.

The chronicles brings me much happiness...

I don't know how to explain it. The struggles they go through... even with a number of other books I have read... the stories around this group are my favorite.

Nihilism or not

For me it's difficult not to see the glass as half empty... though I'll joke about the glass being the wrong size to begin with. There are so many things that make it difficult to see the "roses", let alone devoting time to smell them.

Despite this I know that there is no time like now. Holy shit do we live in a fucking awesome time, conversely it is shit as well.

Sadly I don't spend more time enjoying what is... though this is mostly due to my situation (or what I perceive).

We truly are our own worst enemy.... and I am jealous for those who have the self discipline to conquer this. I struggle with self discipline horribly... and quit way to easily.

This troubles me to no end.

Though I know things are good... depending on how you look at it. Though I don't deny the shit-cicle that we have to contend with as well.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Faith



The ability to give up critical thinking for the hope that magic is real.


Remembering when I was deluded and would think "why can't people see the "truth"".

Now realizing that the open mindedness I was asking for I wasn't willing to embrace myself.

Critical thinking is the ability to look at EVERYTHING in a different manner. Even what you think as "truth or fact" may not actually be the case.

All those feelings for something better... all that "wishful thinking"...

Mentally I feel better now than then... even with my depression. I just hate the roller coaster ride that it is.



Update-2019-06-03

Still firmly believe that logic, reason, philosophy, history, education saved me from myself in a number of ways...  just this emotional chemically induced unconscious bullshit that screws with me.

The reprogramming of behaviors.. examining of traits... looking at reality and assessing what impact can I actually make. Not an easy task.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Political Spiel...

I'm not sure where this bullshit is coming from.... but I'm having a hard time not becoming over emotional about this upcoming nomination cycle for President. For once I guess you could say I feel true hope vs. a repackaged "New & Recycled Same'l <Insert Presidential Candidate>".

It's so freaky chaotic in the world right now, seriously you'd have to be pretty brain dead not to notice. Fuck people have been saying for years the Middle East is a powder keg... if it ever became unstable (like it is), then it very well could be a catalyst for WW3.  Or I've smoked to much weed and just imagined all that up.

But let history decide for itself... When should we start.. WW2?  Hmm.. seems a little obvious but we're gonna have to go back a bit before that. Constantine... This is the time when Christianity took root from there religious dogma would rule the land for centuries to come. Now understand I firmly believe that all religions are nothing more than made up oral traditions from centuries log ago. That was the answer to the questions we as atheists or maybe even those believe in something beyond my comprehension. Stories of how people tried to make things not so scary but scary enough to bullshit the masses.

Science has turned the light on so to speak. It has been the revealing light of ... fuck space is mother fucking scary as hell if you really think about it... so far alone, for some folks in certain scientific circles. Read about a years worth of future/modern science discoveries via any modern current news source. They will have some conflicting ideas about maybe we should of heard from something by now and others with the counter that we are still crunchy number on how big space is and even with those calculations we still could have a large amount of waiting to do.

Regarding the size of the universe, if i remember I had read an article about one theory that says think of the universe as the ocean. While you are on the ocean you have a horizon, the thing about a horizon is you can't see past it. Do you get that, that means that what we "think" is the size of the universe could very well be just the horizon of the universe.

That is the the thought that gutted me.  I like the term.. gutted.

So imagine that what we think we currently know as the universe is a) just the horizon and b) the other postulation that the universe is still expanding. Again.. most of these are the current ideas that are being conveyed.

So.. with that in mind... it's really the biggest fucking trip I've ever had..  crazy shit.. but it's how I feel.

This .. is colossal groundswell for Sen. Sanders... I have to say I hope...and I'm not one for hope.. I HOPE he is the next president. I'm glad I gave as early as I did. Wished it could have been the max.

Having a hard time with the emotions lately... right now.. even... damn onions..

Not bueno...

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Dr J & Mr H

One thing that I continue to notice (aside from my always enveloped self obsession) is my moods. Despite rhyme or reason or season for that matter, the little "triggers" that seem to invariably set me off.

Shitty drivers (as I'm speeding through traffic quick to lay on the horn or offer pointless advice on your retarded skills), things misplaced around the house or just when the usually mundane task becomes some herculean effort all of a sudden.

There goes my mood and for what... I haven't made a post in a bit.. and honestly I've been all sorts of out of sorts as of late. Though this seems to be the status quo.... but why? Why do I allow my moods to be so easily affected? Granted I know there are time when my moods are surreptitiously altered by some culmination of underlying events or other feelings that I don't immediately recognize.

Needless to say... now could be another one of those moments.

New year... new shit...

Why should the start of a year make anything significant... why not.

All I know... or at least what has been on my mind the past few weeks.  I really hate .... hate... being sick. Unlike when I was a kid when I would feign sick just to get out of school..

And I also know that I'm having some discrepancies with what I want... back and forth with this bs flip flop crap.

Business needs to start... and I need to get that going within the first few months.

So many things to plan and EXECUTE.... it's that last part that I dawdle on so often.

It this fantasies of winning gobs of money that throw it all off.