part of having a blog is to use it...

I'm really bad at writing when i think i don't have to or should...

But I've come to realize it's these moments that I really need to document...

My anxiety is pretty bad at the moment.. I've come to realize this over the holiday weekend..

but I think i'm trying to ignore it...

I'm still on the fence about Pam and I....


or am I... or am I being melodramatic?? or am I being to apprehensive?

I have been thinking about the what if's five ways to Sunday...

I have to say that I'm not really a fan of the person I'm with... she's very boring... in so many ways...

and conversely she's awesome in a lot of ways...

I really am evaluating what is her issue... why does an emotion keep... fear... holy fucking shit you moron it's fear... how do I know this... (and a conflicting thought comes flying in)

great now I'm psychoanalyzing my mood at the moment...

I'm very emotional at times and in fact I have certain things that I know can and will get me to cry pretty much on command...

conversely I can logic the hell out of people in my life where I can cut off contact and not really give a rat's ass. This includes family members as well as close friends... then again... my quality of friends is decent at the moment...

I have become somewhat cynical with age... and I don't necessarily like it.

I have this (dis)ability to not care... but I have to say this really feels like the beginnings of an uprooting of cardiac proportions. I know I've had some bad stress issues this year already.

I know she has been stressed out... for no real good reason.

I know I don't deal well with other people who are in my boat...

I have a hard time when she is "broken"...

She doesn't deal well with change... abrupt change... she has over reacted on sooo many things the past month.

She's a ghost chaser and it's always around the corner...

I'm not scared of trying to live my life now I guess.. I don't think she is... we'll see how things turn up in NC....