And I found out a painful truth...

So today is the over emotional.. but thanks to smoking some herb... my emotional levels have stabilized?

This song..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyLGYDBkLzw

Sergio Mendes
Never Gonna Let you Go...

I'm pretty sure I put this on a tape for Pam... waaaaaaay back when. Back when one professed their true emotions on a mix tape of current music.



I figured if there was song that I would associate with... this would be it... but it's not. Missy's?


I was surprised it wasn't her... couldn't think of any one else. Then it looks like it's actually some fucked up reminder about my Mom... and actually I can see why... I was on my Georgia trip... this she was playing this song during our trip... The visual of the memory is faded... I just remember it was in the car that she was driving... and she had the tape it was on. 70's/80's Jazz/R&B was what i was raised on... Miles.. George Benson.. Spyro Gyra..  Donna Summer... David Sanborn.. Steel Pulse... KEARTH 101 when they played stuff from the 40's, 50's, & 60's. She'd gone to the Playboy Jazz Festival on more than one occasion. It's weird but when you get older you start to analyze shit in more detail... either that or I'm really getting over emotional at the drop of a dime lately. No I think this is just how I'm dealing with getting old...  or the stress over the past who knows how long.. Xander?

This is one of the points I'm at... I'm fighting.. shit.. I'm fighting myself...  I know I am... it's the waaaaay too lazy part of me making excuses.. on sooo many things...

projects... well actually I've been fairly busy since the 1st of the year.. maybe a couple of wknds I could've gone and worked on shit... but honestly I think I'm approaching the point of no return..

not in an end my life way (not that this past melt down at work it's didn't come to mind more than a few times) but in a change my life completely sort of way. I feel like I'm being held against my will in a manner of speaking... or having conformed to manner through emotional bonding over the years on a I feel like I have grown as a person in ways that I can convey fairly textbook on how I feel, but would be meet with strong resistance even to the point of emotional manipulation. Now before i go further.... 1) I am fairly stoned at the moment.. but honestly I feel a bit better after a mild cry.. mild in my opinion... compared to say.... Xander... if you know what I mean.

anywho..

after 20 years... after everything we have been through and back... I struggle with the idea of ending it all.... I feel like there is a big part of me that wants to be ALONE going forward. Why.. well let's just say if this is your first reading of said grievances then just wait.. it goes back to Thanksgiving 2015..  usuyally the more mad I am.. the more straightforward the post title is.


But most importantly... I don't have to really give you an answer... There really is a big part that wants to say do it..

but I stay.. I don't know why... at least that what it feels like at times.

I feel like I'm 20 years too late for anything now... whoo hoo the wonderful self esteem..

I talk a lot... and I'm really chomping at the bit with hopfeully being self supportive... but scared shitless at the same time...

I'm struggling to stay... and I still feel she could've done better.