That was silly.. and other news.

I've noticed I say silly in referring to my "episodes" which is another disingenuous term to say another panic attack filled moment fueled by depression making me want to kill myself. Bi polar.. is another term i may want to include, all of which can only be attributed to my not being on meds any more and the firm clear conclusion that I need to me on them. Which doesn't help knowing that I HAVE to be on meds. Just reinforces this broken mentality I have, even when I'm trying not to. I guess what a hypothesis on the whole experience could be as such...

things were better when i was on meds.. despite me not really knowing how to judge my feelings. Were they a legitimate feeling, chemically induced, or other.

Knowing now what I know... I have to resign to being on meds. Sadly I view this as a defeat at the moment a large part of me was hoping that I would not have to go back on meds. I'm at a point in my thoughts... where I may have to quit other things. At which I throw up the excuse of why should I.. and then I remember things over the past few years and having a hard time with a lot of things.

Though I don't rally want to go into it at the moment.. and besides that... I completely forgot what I was going to say the other news was.

So stressed out at the moment though... Still not where I need to be and I hope things can get better sooner vs. later.... fuck not having insurance.. and what the scam it is today.