dystopian reality we live in

 Sitting at AUS waiting for my flight.. they have a reworded "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" jingle.

stress

 My shoulders are tense, stressed out from the holidays. I feel so out of aorts that i still can't adequately describe my frustrations and exhaustion these past 10 days. Feelings of disgust with myself and others, resentment towards family and others, not too mention zero patience with kids atm.  I never thought I'd get here... Especially with the grandkids. My self centered tendencies aggravate me, I'm fairly disgusted with myself and feel like every time I see the family it's just a shut fest and makes me not want to bother.

fuck xmas

 Fucking OFFICIALLY hate holidays.

D O N E 

Over this shit. Yesterday attempted to discuss the phone situation with P. Only to have T act as a ref an J as ignorant gaurd dog. Fucking steaming still after that shit.

D O N E

topics

 Weird fucking headache...

And I'm apparently fucking irritated ATM as this POS device doesn't work as should.

Topical ideas and needing to research.

Learning to celebrate others successes....

 I had a Mother that talked smack about any ones success.. I say had but she may still be alive as of this post. Haven't spoken to her in 24+ years, some people are like cancer and have to be removed if you want to live.

Being the piece of shit that I am I also talked shit about other's successes, I never had an sense of support from my parents that I recall outside of I was their child they loved, but clueless in the fact of how to effectually raise a child. I get it, holy shit do I fucking get it know, having gone through my own fucking history of bullshit. I have something here... This is what I need to expand on, this here.. ooh.. what is this..

I never wanted to be a part of groups with other people I knew unless it wasn't about me, holy shit - some self revelation shit here. There were certain people I tended to gravitate towards, people broken just like me if not worse - aka assholes. So says the behavioral science does it not? Trauma bonding? Couple that with latchkey kids in a suburban landscape of 1980's So California. Kids left to there own devices, unsupervised... lol - GET OFF MY LAWN!!

I was that kid who was dumpster diving at 4, almost burned my house down at 4. All the horrible shit I did to the neighborhood I lived in, to others I sorta knew, and all of which more or less directly attributable to my parents. Granted if things had been different I also would be different, as it's our experiences that shape us. Our day to day mundane processing of events, the degree to which we pursue an understanding of this world, the degree to which we seek a well balanced world view of human history and the reality around us vs "that's just how we do it".

Practicing English composition is on my list of to do's.. in fact I need to get one started.. and it's done

I have a lot of shit to do before I leave.. or do I.. sort of somewhat.. hmmm.

Unoriginal Know-nothing

 So I'm leaning towards a project.. a reference project so to speak and it's going to take quite a bit.. because I'm gonna have to do the research on it..

A reference guide to important habits, behaviors of historical figures over time... five buck says this has already been compiled somewhere by someone already.. again the title.

So it'll be an accompaniment to my story... which is pointless and really garbage.. but fuck my head I'm gonna write it anyway.

Levels of Understanding

 So I'm coming to terms with levels of understanding, that is just when I think I have a decent grasp on something (I'm finding that I'm not nearly as well versed as I thought I was). The more I learn the more I realize we know nothing. As each person's experience on what life is is really different. That's probably one of the most frustrating things. Using words for emotions, I have to share my words with you and hope that my words affect you as they do as I'm thinking them. I want to cry right now just thinking at the frustration that I feel ... (irrational) knowing that you won't. Is that a good bad thing? (don't get me started on that phrase I just used - good bad)

Why is individuality a "good thing"? It's an accepted reality that those who stand out will either be a) dismissed/rejected and/or embraced/idolized. (I'm now questioning why I chose these examples.) My reasoning is based on animal behaviors, survival of those most adaptable to change, but these are base primal instincts/behaviors, however there is also a social component that's involved that should be included. I'm sure there's a ton of other sub specialties that should be included. My point is, If the underlying component is survival and those most adaptable to it, then wouldn't it behoove me to better myself in a capacity that allows me to better those around me. I'm using the air mask logic air. In the event of emergency an air mask will deploy from the compartments above. PLEASE PUT ON YOUR MASK FIRST BEFORE HELPING OTHERS.

But I feel guilty and ashamed and not worthy??? that's not it, I feel that there are others who would be better suited but what the fuck is this.. an epiphany at my own arrogance yet again. I hate always having this feeling of being trapped by my own ignorance (& irrationality at times aka drama queen)... that no matter what I learn or think I learn that it's still 100% bullshit.. to some extent.. not the knowledge.. me.. that I'm trapped... These words are not even really here, but for the reality I'm writing them they are. 

What is the background noise.. why is silence so loud?

I want to violate my programming...

I will live by my own policies...

 Maybe it sounds mean.. but I really don't think so.

I'm finding myself being really over emotional at the moment with this on...

I was working at the Wherehouse in Newport with Warndahl... this was 16ish.. post high school around then..

I liked it.. came out same time as NIN PHM. 

I heard this all the time back then when I was working there and the singles and I had heard the first album.. Lion/Cobra. abbv..

I love hate this time frame.. why do I love to hate on my past as if I would have done things different... why am I even going there..where ever there is.. this if only I'd known attitude.. shitting on some really great times only for a handful of dramatically painful moments.. Maybe that why I fell in love with the Post Punk/Goth thing... explains why I like all the other really mopey/sad songs from other genres...

Homework triggers

 So I'm trying to finish up this class I'm taking.. and we are covering Bach right now and I'm thinking on how I've heard a number of Bach pieces and I love the Cello ones.. but over all I don't think I've found something that has caught my ear... and that is usually the case with most things.. what tickles our fancy atm. So my ADHD is what it is and I'm trying to work on it.. in fact I need to address it for next year when I get back... speaking of which. 

Prelude in C Minor.. now this I like. I may have heard it and I'm pretty sure I have. This is like.

Here's what prompted me from my homework...

"Because polyphony permeates much of his work during an era when most other composers were moving toward a more homophonic style, Bach's musical style may be viewed either as centuries ahead of its time or, as many did after his death, as a relic of the polyphonic music of an earlier period. Even works that are not strictly polyphonic, such as the famous Prelude in C major, have a thickness of texture not found in the music of most of his contemporaries."

Thickness of texture, specifically I understand this to be the fullness of the sound. That is how much the tonal range in your ear, that you perceive to be encompassing a majority of the sound range in your ear. This due to the different pitches, harmonies, and instruments. When I listen to Prelude in C Minor, I hear the successive notes being played constantly filling up the space with notes. The sustain on that one note...

Loss

 I'm trying to watch Kimetsu no Yaiba season 2, but I'm thinking about the kids.

I'm thinking about what I want to say to them, but I'm breaking down in tears attempting to write just what I was thinking about. I'm in pain because I know that pain of ignorance.. the ignorance of being human. The tears I have now are are my empathy.. they are what I've learned over the years. the emotions that drive us.. the motivations of regret.. this is the struggle I have. And with a deep breath I remember acceptance.. and that the past is and forever always the past... 

Memories are of benefit if they bring one to a better understanding of themselves, a moment of reflection for either the positive or not so positive times.

I want to tell them that loss is a huge key to understanding ones humanity. The more painful the loss the more sober one becomes of reality and of others. Yet I feel all the more hypocritical for wanting to even to discuss knowing damn full well my selfish tendencies and my history alone would damn me lifetimes over. I want to yell at them as they would yell at themselves... like any sane person does to themselves.

I want to give them hope.. why do I call it hope even though I see things not so hopeful. I say it's hope because in my opinion and the things I've read from others.. this is how I see the connections. Through history & science.

Talking about one is a bit of a misnomer and those of a quick wit should see that, while I have clearly pointed out two reference topics, they are actually just parent topics to a whole list of children subtopics that one should have an idea about. Though the premise is this...

We are born, not of any choice of our own and fighting and arguing against our existence is futile and pointless. There is not magic, there are no fairies, or dragons, aside from those in our imagination. No magic will save you, not even religious magic because that's essentially what it is.

Your are then thrown to the wolves essentially with the rest of humanity, depending on where you live on this planet has a huge importance. The knowledge and understanding you gather about who you are the world you live in and the social customs and the local history will all play a part on who are as a person. They will shape your worldview.

Conversely you will be brainwashed to a certain extent, aka conditioned. How you view others, yourself compared to others. What you accept as acceptable behavior, your familial/social education ... these things are all taught to us by age seven. We've become used to the world around us and it's technology and it's social customs to some extent (typically of age relevance).

 Then at some young age you are sent to a public school if available, otherwise you are probably helping with the work either at home or around where you live. Education is a privilege for many... even the piss poor one we get here in the US.

 

Having to see the world as a spectrum... that typically ever topic has a spectrum to it - polarizing ideas on either end of the topic. Somewhere in the middle lies the answer, and there are skills that can help you find them, there are others that can give you the answers... there are others who have struggled and wrestled with what it means to be human... the things is you have to go out and read what they wrote. You can't just read somebody's condensed version of their interpretation of it. This is fundamental for one to be able to create their own referential wide spectrum of understanding as it relates to the world around us. 

The proverbial viewing the world as a picture puzzle, and while you are given a modicum of pieces to start with through the behaviors of those you lived with, went to school with or spent and significant amount of time with. They would help to define, give pieces of the world view picture to your puzzle. 

Having enough pieces one begins to gain a sens of confidence sometimes, but I've found or at least it seems to appear that there's this serendipitous moment of fate for some, and miraculous moments for a handful.  I firmly believe that these could be replicated, given the right conditions. This would entail a fundamental shift in humanities level of education & self awareness that I don't see happening in my lifetime or the next 100. If the small percentage of historical figures that I have read about, and of those that displayed or seemed to display a level of self awareness then compared that to the rest of humanity and at the growth rate... short of a cataclysmic event, war, or other epidemic that decimates the majority of the human population. Don't see it happening... being that we are in a dystopia..

I wanted to write about loss.. about how loss was a huge catalyst for my empathy.. the handful of mental breakdowns I've had as a parent.. regarding my children. They humble us.. they reduce our ego to something manageable? 

 

I feel like I'm digressing.. and not happy with my tamales.

Thinker n' Tinker

 Silliness...

Capitalist supporters think it's bliss... yet we are told that ignorance is bliss as well.

Essential Meaning of bliss
: complete happiness 

Their religion promises eternal bliss 

[=joy] in heaven. marital/wedded/domestic bliss 

[=complete happiness in marriage] Relaxing on the porch of our private villa was sheer bliss.

Repetition

 Here we are again.. My oldest is back in the hospital. Less than a month since he got out? If I dwell on it I will drown in the vacuum of space that would be my sadness. I can see a dark path of despair and dread and sorrow and anguish if I tread down that way. I retreat as I can, but there is this magnetic like pulling upon my being that wants to consume me. That endless cycle of self despair with no end, just moments of a gasped breath and usually when you think you can't hold your head above water you find a piece of flotsam. Though depending on how the flotsam is constructed if may as well be cotton candy. There is no substance to it and the reality you thought you had disappears before you in a flash. 

Yet if you manage to move and not just tread water you will find that there is land and a peace that can be obtained but that is dependent on how vigilant you are on your self awareness. Self awareness vigilance entails a comprehensive re-education, self discipline, and a strong sense of curiosity. These are self taught, just as those famous and well know people of history endeavored to do.

Know I want to add a caveat here... I firmly believe that if you are in a state of comfort there is no room for growth. If you don't question your habits & behaviors and ask if these are furthering your goal why do them. This is not to say that one isn't allowed a bit of free time, just be mindful that one doesn't occupy more time. It's all about balance, sometimes you may need to have to devote a large amount of time to one particular endeavor, but also take the same time to decompress. Enjoy life, experience it. This is how you get a greater understanding of you and the world around you. This is where having a greater depth of knowledge starting with a Classical Education... yes just like B Franklin did. Learning from those leaders of the past, reading about governments, art, culture, customs. Then seeing that the contemporary view really isn't so different.

I'm a novice.. I'm late to the game on this. I've fantasied for so long about doing more.. being more.. that I pigeon hole myself on my own aspirations.. I don't like the spotlight.. I don't feel like I can relate to people.. I'm a bit intense in conversations with others... Why is it that I say that I can't relate to others... Why is it that I feel (there's psychological/sociological component here if I recall... narcissism? ) that even though I know I have very similar childhoods with others - latchkey kid/broken home/etc. That my experiences have shaped and molded me to where I am now. I've been smug as hell lately, my patience with roomies is wearing thin. Yet if I'm to understand any of the history and human behavior and psychology and etc... that I've learned over the years I get it... they haven't reached a bottom or they have resigned. Is that they only two options? It's like they have bought into the bullshit reality that is life and from what I've seen of the day in day out same behavior for over 2 years now... certain assumptions are made or is it extrapolations. 

Not all seed that falls to the ground will germinate and not all the germinates will grow and not everything that grows will bloom. It takes careful guidance, cultivation, and effort on ones own part to make something of themselves. There is not magic event that is going to change your situation. You need to strip away everything that you think you know in a Cartesian manner. Learn how to use critical thinking skills, they are not inherent. And here is the arrogance that I sense... that I can do something. Is that arrogance?

Is wanting to do something arrogant? Only if you think that you will see any results... but then why attempt this? 

Got tamales to make...

Competent

 I've come to this realization today that (I think I've had it before) I'm fairly competent at cooking or at least following a recipe enough to know how to process it.. what techniques I can do adequately and tonight the soup came out amazing.. French Onion from the NY Times. Seriously almost 30 years of try to learn how to cook and I can say I'm somewhat competent. I love cooking....

Thank you Miriam.. your gift of books got me started and your cooking helped me learn you can have good food at home.

latchkey kids

 Kids left to fend for themselves... Typically doesn't fare well.

 

I was one and boy oh boy did I get into trouble. I started at an early age though... Neglect will have an effect.

To collect data..

 create an algorithm to scan news sources and create a database from the headlines. 

This would give me a raw data based on volume of reporting..

Emotion vs Logic

 So

This is something that I'm always wrestling with..

 

I'm WELL aware of biases and that always has me second guessing everything.. even what i want to accept as fact.. I'll explain.

 

Case in point..

Why are there no Brontosaurus'?

 

 Also cognitive biases that want me to go in a direction because of what my limited knowledge is.. even as I read to expand my knowledge on a topic/subject... then read something unrelated in a different field and see what appears to me as a linking piece in my general broader understanding of the world. Correlation is not causation, but I'm seeing patterns in the history of events of the world that corresponds to human behavior, human biology, the evolutionary forces at work.

I firmly believe. no fucking evidence aside from what I see as the presented evidence of world history, socially and biologically.  From the "Big Expansion" aka Bang to the astrophysical forces that formed the universe, the 4 known forces, the evolutionary process of inorganic to organic, that we are all chemicals bound by the biological evolutionary forces governed by physics. 

These fucking emotions that drive me, that enslave me, that are tied to chemical synaptic sparks driven by these host microbes residing in me. Then the epigenetic history, the consciousness questions, the dark matter questions, the string theory questions, there are so many questions unawnsered and yet to be asked.

 I don't presume to know really anything aside from what as been presented... how could I. I'm late to the game and woefully behind on my assignments and required readings...

I only have this.. that we as humans are fucking garbage. We treat each other as chattel, pure and simple. We are the true face of evil, because the sheer amount of bullshit that we tell ourselves about there being strength in diversity. 

 

Here is why, because the rallying cry of diversity means the diversity of humanity as a whole. When a group claims special favors or considerations that are contrary to the species as a whole then you are actually weakening it and not strengthening it. Now understand this, individual autonomy is paramount which is why it's the whole of humanity's responsibility to ensure that there is no group that has power over the individual and to ensure there are no permanent hierarchical structures, other than what is needed to complete short term projects. Stewardship of the environment and all those that we share this planet with including our biological evolutionary cousins. This includes the Earth as a whole are what matter most.

Now, this needs to take into account that we as a species have a duty to explore this universe that we are a part of. Science must continue if that is to happen and given a "sacred status" as in Paleolithic times to present. It's the logic and reason that are needed to get humanity to the next level if any in evolution. Emotion is the driver if fear, uncertainty, and doubt. It looks like this planet feels too much and thinks too little.

Can this be fixed? Is humanity doomed to a rinse and repeat cycle of falling technologically upwards? 

I see the dystopia we are in, it's already here it's been here since we gave up our freedom for security.

Short of a cataclysmic event, the ignorant masses will continue to be enslaved until they reach a level of understanding and consciousness needed to overcome their FUD.

A bit stoned this morning and very much emotional atm...

I allowed myself this past week to get to an emotional state that I'm never ready for...

Xander's little stunt sent me spiraling in a miasma of fear, uncertainty, and doubt.. with Rosenblatt last week and my out of control mental moment. I'm feeling really shitty and still determined.. this is fucking bizzaro... seriously I never felt like going on in the past. I would have resigned or attempted to. My attitude is a bet more sour as of late..

and I think I know why.. coming to this fucking conclusion that in my mental gymnastics way bullshitting myself into thinking that I can save people... it's a false hope.. but that doesn't mean I stop helping or pushing in a way... I just have to remind myself that my efforts are because I love them and in spite of my own ignorance I know that these are the the things that helped lost of big name figures in history.

/end of disjointed nonsensical rant.. 

 

 

Sllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 So i just pieced together something from a therapy session right now..

I'm just reflecting on being told that I'm a cynic because I'm Gen-X... you might as well tell me that it's because Mercury is in retrograde.

November to remember

 I'm actually pretty sad at the moment. Yesterday was the anniversary of Chris Rosenblatt's death and I'm never ok at this time.

I'm really trying to process this.. holy fuck. It's been 33 years and I'm still processing this.. and it still hurts. 

And I'm abut to cry into my machaca...

What is it about this event that has stayed with me for so long.... why is his death such a huge deal to me?

Chris was a friend.. that I met through other friends I'd known for quite a while and now I find my thoughts are a maelstrom of chaos but even that seems to have too much order to them.

I'm finding that I'm in a powerless state, is this what drives me, is the immobilization of my activities of what I want to do, My anxiety drives me towards doing, and I don't know what. I have interests and desires and hopes but they come crashing down in an instant at moments. There are times as of late (the past week) that I find myself wanting to destroy it all again. This rage, the indifference to everything this disgust at myself and the whole of it all.. this is where I again lament at my lack of words. I feel a lump in my throat... a bit of undigested beef?

I'm sad at the moment... I hate the illusion this world creates because we are so ignorant and those that are less ignorant use this false reality to enslave us. Money kills us... commerce... the commodification of goods that are deemed more of value than people. Property deemed equal with conscious thought...

I need to read more.. I know what I want but it's not possible.. and that's frustrating because it's o far removed from reality and what i think is actually possible.

So this is a thought...

If we as humans are the only current species on this planet capable of  "reason" and the reality we live in bounds us by certain laws of the universe, physics. The thoughts that we have that we can use to create a more beneficial reality via science and reason, but there's this one little thing... humanity is both the cause of our problems.. (wait.. is it the answer though..) and only thing that can fix it.

Not me, but with others.. but I hate having to deal with others.. so there's this fucking thing..

god damn it... I know I'm a single person with limited resources/knowledge.. and I know I don't see the "big big picture" in spite of seeing the big picture.. ??!?!? I'm not so clueless to think that the society that is being presented to me is worth 2 shits.. the fake capitalistic bullshit.. the flagrant callousness of humanity or the environment... fuck..

frustration.. but why.. what can I do.. what good is it for me to get worked up.. and I want to sleep.. to shut down to leave. to end to escape.. 

and the tears are held back again.. i need to accept things if I want to change things.. I don't have to like them I don't have to agree with them.. I can be against them always.. but I won't let them rule me (??? so now how does one do this?)

I get that there are people over time who have let's say taken up a cause or position and always say things about not to be beaten or taken advantage of or to let the situation overwhelm them... now I have to think how the fuck did these people not want to BURN IT ALL FUCKING DOWN?!?!

World War ???

 So I'm thinking about the current state of affairs.. and how my therapist said that I'm a cynic because I'm a Gen X-er... I don't buy that.. I'm not discounting my questionable mental state, but I firmly believe now that I'm on the proverbial other side of the mental coin... I've got my depression more or less under control.. I'm not under any delusion that I am in 100% control.. If anything I know that the chaos that is life and evolution will say otherwise.

This has me thinking a lot about what I see as a dystopian present.. I've touched on my rough idea of a timeline on how we got to here already. This current existence on planet Earth in this reality that we know and experience is built on chaos or what we could perceive as a type of chaos. I'm wanting to use the word but there is nuance to it so leave it that for now.

As evolution is best suited to those who are most adaptable as it is currently understood today. The earlier concept of survival of the fittest is still accurate but it does require a bit of knowledge and understanding of the word "fittest" aka nuance. The word was specific to a time and place in Earth's history that doesn't quite hold up to the same meaning, colloquial understanding as if you asked someone today what they thought it may mean. Capitalism, the Earth's society, and the global powers that are driving us to extinction.

3 main topics are outlined in philosophy (all of phil?) as not being able to be sufficiently answered.

Knowledge and how it should be utilized.

Governence

Personal Conduct

All of these are answered in my ignorant opinion of putting humanity first... in the sense that we are one people, on one planet, with well being for all. All who are able will work according to their needs, technology must be thought up in the same manner, the benefit to the species with the least/zero impact to the planet. The technology is futuristic... to be able to scrub a planet clean?!

Though however it would require humanity to not obliterate themselves before getting to a self aware critical thinking level that is not currently present within humanity. The physiology of capitalism, the components that draw out the worst components of humanity, greed, hoarding, gluttony, cruelty, madness and the list could go on. I'm barely able to keep this thought in line so there will be SQUIRREL moments as other thoughts come barging in as well...

Capitalism isn't just an economic system, it is also behavior modifying with more negatives coming from it than positives. In fact I'm almost of the mind to say that if logic and reason are to be fully explored then one could very well find a almost utopia. Though this also seems to be to be a situation where as long as capitalism is the means by which the disbursement of goods/services is what we have it will only continue down a long path of self destruction. As the gap of the oppressors/oppressed grows, income inequality, property, dehumanization of peoples because they are trapped in cultures and customs and countries that are trapped in a unconscious & purposefully built enslavement of the population through capitalism (consumerism by extension), polarization of ideas/customs/traditions based on ignorance that provides the 1% a life of luxury. It's fucking convoluted... by we are anxiety driven creatures of habit chasing dopamine fixes throughout the day.... human biology, behavior, physiology, neuroscience.. all point to what we do as a species and more or less why we do it.

There's more to animal shows that the cute factor... the juxtaposition of our shared experiences and similarities on this planet. Asking the questions about life, especially the difficult ones about what it means to be human. This is where we come up with that adage/quip about asking the opinions of others. Very rarely will there ever be a consensus. So my question is... so is this a sort of miscommunication? Gap in knowledge scenario? Where is the disconnect that makes people make decisions that may not have humanity in the best interest?

Why humanities best interest?

I am not an island unto myself. I can build bridges bigger and better through COOPERATION and UNDERSTANDING. Science based effectively taught education, critical thinking skills, self awareness training, practical experience. These are the key components to building a better humanity. I actually think I have some stuff to highlight on all of these...

Understand that if you strip out the CRITICAL THINKING component it will be missing a key harmony to the melody. In fact this is the base melody, with it intentionally being open to be built upon unless there is something that contradicts the base melody in any way... (99.99% - no absolutes in thought)

Effective science based education...

There needs to be a fundamental shift in how we approach the building of our society going forward, we need to have a punctuated equilibrium moment in the collective understanding of critical thinking skills and self awareness. Until humanity meets this criteria we will stay the course in the capitalistic society. There's programming there that humanity has to try and overcome but that possibility of that is well outside my mathematical knowledge. Education needs to be communal experienced based, relative to the whole, regionally, and specifically. Everyone has a general specific baseline course, that includes a regional baseline course, followed by a detailed course for the whole.

The baseline courses are set up the regional logistics/admin/infrastructural/reference based understanding. This is built specifically so that anyone who would transfer would be able to integrate in a more smooth manner. The transition aspects is the on the job training to the regional specifics, all the above mentioned would be general knowledge and the individual would only need to orientate themselves to the specifics. 

The communal aspects means that there are multiple families engaged with with kids from birth till age 8, doing familial education studies, general self awareness studies, critical thinking studies, science based education that has personal experience included. Math is applied in practical applications age appropriate.  These communal education centers are full cycle focused. 

Full Cycle Focused - Full cycle is the concept of all the experiences a person goes through in the year as an individual, but also taking into account seasonal time, how people have cyclical physiological events, and the commonalities that people have during these cycles (0-2, terrible two's, toddler to preschool, et al.) and not just the changes that happen to us over time but how our experiences shape us. How one event can push us in a direction for years or decades or a lifetime. 

We are an anxious species... anxiety drives us.. which is fear.. which steams from uncertainty and doubt about our day to day situations and future... we are dopamine chasers...

critical thinking and self awareness are not self taught by most.. in fact I'd say there is a smaller percentage of self aware people from what I keep reading. There are key critical studies that the general public is absolutely clueless about and if they knew theses skills they would see the charade that our society is.. or so I can hope.. see an optimistic outlook.

I have more and I can probably keep going on this but I'm going to take a bit of a break here in a bit..

so the WW? title... with the lack of self awareness and fear of a polis having actual knowledge or their reality the current boom bust capitalistic society is going to get worse... why do i say this...

Well i see the reality that we live in a spectrum.. abstractly that is, everything else can be governed by physics. Though however how the fuck you govern that.. let alone how is an abstract concept allowed? Again a bit high.. but I digress.. fuck I'm hungry again..

The spectrum... dichotomies.. either or... this or that.. yes or no.. black or white...

Everything that is based on thought that pertains to life in how we conduct ourselves and the knowledge in how we comprehend this world. All that is our reality and what we perceive.

Take property... the haves and have not's... freedom.. slavery.. equality.. peace.. harmony.. love.. joy.. happiness..

These concepts.. and the entirety of human thought, aside from mathematical proofs and the such I'm assuming... which is weird considering..

so everyone has an opinion to a degree based on two polar opposites of a topic. So something either is or is not, and people argue over to what degree of the spectrum of the topic.. 

 

primarily what it means to be human is what I see in the news everyday. Everyday I see country after country say these people human but not these people.

Why... because the all mighty dollar says there is not a ROI on the lower rungs aside from it's a write off so keep it on the books. Our pursuit of the all  mighty dollar is what is driving us over a cliff. And until education/critical thinking/ self awareness/experienced based as stated above... we'll continue down this hell hole cycle of boom and bust.. each time it gets worst.. but when your collective society doesn't have a fucking clue what ad hominem means. There's a biiiiiiiiiiiig hurdle to get over and I don't see it happening anytime soon.

Additionally the dystopian thing was here, it beat out egalitarian a long time ago. Colonialism happened, feeding the larval stage of capitalism, til you had the colonies established and trade routes connecting the globe. Industrialism brought forth a juvenile, and it grew and grew with each World War... The next WW will push us into a full stop fantasied dystopian future.

These people wrote these books because they could even see the changes in society and what was happening, but who the fuck would believe anyone who writes a book that says we are all burning and you fuckers are the cause. It's a cycle.. and that's what I see the universe working in.. they are all around us.. the day.. the night.. the seasons.. the years.. birth.. death.. and everything in between needs a bit of balance .. you need the tools.. the critical thinking tools.. the education.. the self awareness.. the experience...

But we will fight and fight.. all we are doing is kicking the can down the road till we reach maximum overload.. duh.. we aren't building together we are building our own individual stock piles.. we are building apart.. we are not a cohesive people.. and anything we build we be torn down by a future generation.. there is only so much space but we don't use it properly.. we have plenty but we spoil and burn and pollute where we grow our food and don't even get me started on the pollution of the Earth..

As long as countries exist as long as distinctions of humans exist we will never be one people... Do I have to be Japanese to want to enjoy and carry on a beneficial Japanese tradition. Not all traditions are beneficial, we tend to get emotionally attached to traditions and this is how polarization can be birthed... a new cultural topic is birthed and you have fans and detractors.. some things are of different topics.. religion included...

Perception Deception?

 Your eyes can deceive you don't trust them...

Do an internet search for that I'm not explaining..

I'm probably just stoned but here goes.. Our eyes give us the visual perception of reality. what is it that allows our visual perception to be tricked? Illusions? 

yeah just stoned.. thought I had a thought there.. but prolly just really tired still..

club last night..

Malcom in the Middle

 What does it look like I'm doing?!?!

Could this bit in MitM be one of the greatest examples of what life is about as you attempt to go from point A to point B.

Hal get home and the light won't turn on. As soon as he goes to look for the spare bulb he notices something that distracts him as the new distraction has now completely grabbed his full attention and must now tended to, this new crisis must be managed before moving forward to the light bulb only to be presented with a cascade of other distractions... turtles all the way down.

 

keyword search - Hal Light Bulb Malcom in the Middle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbSehcT19u0

 

Weirdness in music

 Things that grab my attention...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmErh7U7C38

ASOBI SEKSU - THURSDAY (BSH)

GO APE!

 Excuse me I'm going home and go ape!

What's that...

Pick my nose and beat off in a corner.

Writing mood or something else?

 Woke read the news wanted to check out.. but do I what the fuck is up with today.

Damn first if it's not one thing (prompted by the NORD 2/German news) which just kick starts the whole - IT'S ALL FUCKED - engine going.

Confirmation Bias is running rampant I feel.. 

How do we avoid CB? How does one know if they are sure sure and not just sorta sure.. or is that the trap? How does epistemology tie into this... I know or I should say I'm pretty damn sure there is some sorta sub branch that deals with this.. people are pedantic.. but sometimes that's good...

I think this is the coffee rush for today.

What else things on mind atm..

Everything.. family, painting/finishing room... job.. work.. employment.. dumb tv shows that distract me which is a good/bad thing.. maybe sorta.. just need to sort out the good/bad distractions.. as distractions are a needed thing.. more walking.. need outdoors.. maybe.. Xmas is soon.. Austin.. Xander.. Xander.. Xander.. Kids.. Pop.. Miriam.. is this a headache?

no literally it feels like i have a headache coming on.

Finding a way to get in balance.. and not feel like SQUIRREL!

Learning disabilities shit is on the horizon.. but job stuff seems to be in flux at the moment.. i sense more work coming.. good? but less time to do shit around the house.. write.. read.. etc.. bad?

I need to write about my chaos.. about the chaos I see.. the things I perceive.. or at least things I think I perceive..

GIGO

Garbage in

Garbage out

This is the mantra for clean data. That is, if you have a system that involves the processing of data - a database, spreadsheet, etc. it typically involves diligence in maintaining the integrity & accuracy of the data. There are times in today's business world of processing data when you need to upgrade or migrate the data being stored on one system to another, during this process typically you review your data for errors at this time prior to it being moved/migrated to a new/er system. This is where GIGO comes from, with the idea being if you put garbage data in, you will get garbage data out.

So how are you putting in good data? Now extrapolate that to your life, what types of data have you been subjected to more than others, by choice or not?

 The data you fill yourself with is the data you expel...

 

Mantra

man·tra
/ˈmantrə/
noun
noun: mantra; plural noun: mantras

    1.
    (originally in Hinduism and Buddhism) a word or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation.
    "a mantra is given to a trainee meditator when his teacher initiates him"
        a Vedic hymn.
        "her high, sweet voice began chanting the mantra of life"
    2.
    a statement or slogan repeated frequently.
    "the environmental mantra that energy has for too long been too cheap"

 

GIGO

In computer science, garbage in, garbage out is the concept that flawed, or nonsense input data produces nonsense output. Rubbish in, rubbish out is an alternate wording. The principle also applies more generally to all analysis and logic, in that arguments are unsound if their premises are flawed. Wikipedia

Wine

 Knowledge is like wine it does you no good if it stays in the bottle.

 

I'd like to think that I came up with this today... but that would be arrogant for me to presume. So I'll just say that this came to me versus me creating it.

 

I am however on the verge of (I think I'm on the verge of.. again not sure if this is some recursive trap I've 'allowed' myself to fall into) having another huge epiphanic (I'm repurposing epiphany here) moment because the more I read the more I'm getting a picture at how fucked our reality really is.. and it's difficult for me to sort a choose a single fucking path.. because well that seems counterproductive and not possible.

A SINGLE PATH...

time and again I'm always presented this dichotomy of options.. left or right.. yes or no.. am I crazy (not of a sound mental state in regards to understanding the topic) that we should have to choose this way... why not both.. why not neither.. why not a different route.

I notice a number of whys in there... (which has me thinking WHY seems to be a bit not active - but helps to establish a direction for action.. maybe??)

So I guess I'm trying to dip my toe in to the waters so to speak.. I'm creating a website to pour out this regurgitated drivel to the internet swarming masses (arrogance). Dialogues.. I had my ears tickled the other day in the Dawn of Humanity book I'm reading. The way to present an argument via dialogues a la Plato, et al.

It discussed how we as humans are able to keep mental focus during discussions, but typically the brain is on auto pilot and keeps attention focused for around 7 seconds on avg. So I'm going to read up on dialogues from others and watch some more content.. but the first few vids will be about me understanding the world.. who i am.. what my aim is.. and my conflicting interests with humanity.

One People

One Planet

Well being for all

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

On July 2nd 1776,  the United States of America became a country, but we all know that we as Americans think only of the 4th as being the date of Independence.

This is just but one piece of an innumerable puzzle piece that is the true history of the United States. Yes I should never use absolutes, however I think in light of newer evidence it definitely looks like this is the case with this big caveat. It wasn't intentional, at least this is what I believe only because that would require a significant amount of coordination which it seems is one of the functions of the current freedom restraining economic system that we call capitalism. I don't know if these aspects of it have been studied or not, but it appears to me that capitalism gives birth to a number of anti freedom institutions which invariably require it to co opt anything that would present it in a negative manner. Freedom namely - is there anything else that we need evidence of but this alone that capitalism is an evil perpetrated upon ourselves out of ignorance of ourselves.

Arbeit mach frei...

I find this to be fucking bizarre in these aspects.. one this is the Nazi propaganda displayed over the gates in Auschwitz but conversely is the mantra of capitalism in that if you work hard enough you to can be FINANCIALLY Free.. which in out current society is deemed the most free of all freedoms.. to never have to to work.. have to..

Freedom is being free in the choice.. when you have not choice or are given the illusion of choice such as we are then we are never free. We are slaves to our own ignorant selves perpetrated by our ignorant ancestors thousands of years ago.. decimating the knowledge of those who had lived in relative peace joy and harmony only to be decimated and enslaved and a history and culture annihilated to the brink of extinction or in most cases complete genocide.

Democracy or the democracy that we have here in the united states have is crap... EXPAND ON THIS>>> read up failures of democracy.. critiques.. ancient greece.. rome.. indeginous examples that I can locate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_road_to_hell_is_paved_with_good_intentions

2024

 This will be the next step inwards in our path of the dystopian society. I believe that humanity has been on this path ever since we had slavery as a concept, the disregards for humanity all for the deranged thought of the masses ignorance. What were we to do... to not appease the masses spells certain doom because they will NEVER EVER allow the perception of total failure to occur. Not when you have a fragmented society as you do today or so I'm lead to believe, I'm not questioning history I'm questioning what in the fucking wide wide world of earth do these people think that there would be a positive outcome. We are always in a perpetual arms race against the FUD of humanity. The free world and not so free world (it's all an illusion) leaders that tell us grin an bear it, relief is right around the corner with the NEXT election cycle, if only you'd vote.

Trapped in a cycle of go no where, perpetual stagnation all the while the wedge between equitable sharing is a concept only for children apparently, furthering the dystopian noose around the neck of humanity and all it's contradictions. That those that claim to have the best interest in for the constituents is a tale old as time. Throughout history we are presented with the atrocious behavior of humanity in the guise of leadership fail time and again. Antiquity is LITTERED with examples.. but one only has to look at the failed government this country has had to deal with since the start. The sheer ignorance of self awareness makes me think that the Enlightenment period was just another circle jerk in humanities attempt to extol it's cancerous virtues of curiosity that doom itself as it rescues. Shooting oneself in the foot.

I'm conflicted.. because I feel like I do nothing, I do nothing but ramble incoherently into this echo chamber and on to these keys...  I feel like knowledge is a trap.. I feel this weight of lead descending through my body, a messenger of doom, a messenger of a reality that I feel I can't escape.. trapped in a recursive state of confirmation bias... I know.. or at least I like to believe that I think I know and understand the concept of behavior modification and the we as people are capable, but to what extent are we are people actually able to make some sort of meaningful and last change that makes us more than we are.

I feel ashamed for writing that, i have a great deal of disdain for any sense of ego getting in the way of reality. I may loathe myself a bit much, and I've heard others say it's a sense of humility. I don't like attention to myself, but I like the company a few people. I like to think I think I know who I am.. I'm fairly self aware of my behaviors, but know that I'm probably blind to more than I realize.. to yeah.. I'm a bit hyper aware of all that.. so there could very well be this thing ADHD, learning disabilities... but I'm also feeling very UNCERTAIN and DOUBTFUL and I guess FEARFUL... but I could name off a bunch of things but honestly I have no clue.

so.. with the way things are.. I believe we are entering the very early and obvious stages towards a dystopian society that we've only dreamed about either through books or film or other media, we've been talking about the imperfect world ever since we had a comparison to it.

So I have this thought... When ever we write of some place better we are using our own existence as the polar opposite, while not explicitly implied as certain cultures would more than likely have the religious idea of a hell or purgatory or "some place where da bad peeps go". While we can moderately comprehend the hell concept, it's our day to day experiences in the living world that people operate and process all that they see or do or interact with around in this reality. This is what they use a frame of reference, look at today's fictional stories that use past historical events as inspiration. Humanity is it's own worst enemy. So I don't really have any data but just looking at history and the evolutionary theory as described in biology and just applying it everything in reality. It's littered in our business speech, how to grow things organically or evolving oneself. So when we first learned of a Utopia, Heaven, Shangri La, anywhere but here. We are using this subconsciously, because it's only this world that we can relate to make a comparison.

Dystopian society has been here for awhile...

descent of madness.. melodrama

 I paid for my essay draft..

I'm drunkk atm. I loathe myself..

Why & What

Get people to ask why and you’ll get them interested…

So in a case of reverse psychology that I think may work… reframe the approach to how you get someone interested. let them know it’s not for them, that they are excluded, you won’t get everyone but you will get the attention of those passing by.

Examples
Signs in big print stating THIS IS NOT FOR YOU – leave it ambiguous, that’ll prompt the person to ask WHAT IS NOT FOR ME, thinking that they are the ones who have to decide what is and isn’t for them.

I say this because I was thinking about that book I bought Insight and one of the things she says is that people are generally in a ask WHY mode vs an ask WHAT mode… humans have a tendency to ask WHY vs WHAT.

So when you get a person to frame their response/reaction in a WHY format… the sign would prompt them to react in a WHY manner, asking WHY is this place NOT FOR ME. It raises the defense mechanism, focusing our attention to this now. You are being manipulated.

------

 

an idea in progress

An armchair cursory glance of history to date and the stages of dystopia

 So I think I may be obsessing a bit on this and I'm thinking there is a HEALTHY dose of confirmation bias in here but I keep coming up with more examples and just a quick mental glance over history you can see the beginning of it starting with colonialism. Now before you interject let me preface this by saying the first fully evolved "species" so to say of a dystopian society, as it's a cultural phenomena only to humans. There are the proto beginning's well documented in the early civilizations, furthered by the large global expansionist civilizations (ME/Byzantine/Macedon/Greece/Rome/Mongols/China/India/et al.) but they are the precursors the mitochondrial dna agct parts that gave life to the colonial evolution in humanity's next steps. Sadly I equate our journey as one of chaotic madness that can only be described as hell. For those who are able to actually wake up out of this onslaught of lies and propaganda that is permeating the world. You are brainwashed by 7, I firmly believe those words... (trying to recall where i heard them drawing a blank...)

So colonialism is the first seed of the dystopian beginnings of today. From those early beginnings the global trade networks were established enough that the world had become interconnected, albeit at a snails pace but that would change as science and innovation take off. Next you have the industrial revolution and it would be all downhill from there, any remnants of what freedom was, went out the door back then. This is one of those instances where I have to explain my thinking and it's really one of the most difficult things to do, because as a writer you are trying to evoke a connection with you the reader to provide not just an analysis of the information that is FREELY available to all and clearly spells out everything that I'm trying to tie in with other bits of history, science, world events, and the human condition (what is means to live and go through all the things we go through as a human good or bad), because far too often the conversation becomes shanghaied by evil people. Now this is not to be confused with the ignorant masses, which really is about 99% of the population.. if I've read enough about self awareness and critical thinking and sociology and human behavior I get a bit of a clearer picture.. I think. You tie all these pieces in.. which only leads me to think there COULD VERY WELL BE more information out there, but I don't think it'll alter one fucking iota of what the fundamental core issues are.

 So with the Industrial revolution things went downhill fast, So we were connected more and connected faster... locomotives.. telegraph... steam engines.. the future was then. Think about the technological jump from daily physical labor to a machine that can now do it in a quarter of the time. HELLO!! John Henry.. our god damn past is littered with fucking examples of what happened when machines TOOK OUR JOBS! Then we have the evolution of war with WW1, the war to end all wars... 

20 years later...

WW2 happens, as does the advancement of war.... We delude ourselves too much.. because humanity is evil. Those who control us are the true evil, those that send us off to die all for money... For money is the primary reason. Innovation brings prosperity to those countries that oppress others for cheap resources. All the industrialized capitalist countries exported terrorism in the repression of colonial territories in a number of ways, either through economic means, militaristic occupation or trade agreements, embargoes, support of repressive regimes, and the list goes on. United Fruit Company is just the tip of the iceberg. 

Now to back up a bit I said that the 1800's were probably the beginning of the end, specifically the Industrial Revolution as it's also well documented of how oppressive it was and is still to this day. We've just been brainwashed to think that it's ok, because well that how we've always done it. STOP!!!

That is the worst excuse to keep doing something and not actually take the time to objectively evaluate. They said that shit with slavery and that is the GRAND DADDY of them all of bad ideas... zoophilia being another. So with right of law taking the land (right of law is good only if it's relevant to the event and can be enforced, but again here is another realm of questioning that needs to be explored. It's obvious to me that the entire system is prejudicial because it takes a position of authority in very unequal and inequitable terms aka it's rigged from the start). One of the things that the system like tos to say is that ignorance of the law is no excuse however I argue then how is the law being fair and impartial if one party enters in knowing full well that they have hoodwinked the defendant? Is not the basis of governance to execute fairness for all the people... is this not some sort of ingrained human code since per-civilization?? (A bit hyperbole) Not too mention the historical proof of the corrupt institution rulers & judges have always been know for, so now we are expected to believe that through some miracle that precedent from before was an "oops my bad" for the governing institution which has set forth generations of harm upon the people with those who've abused their positions of power for so long that they are a parasitic cancer and any attempt to remove does so at the 99%'s existence as well.

So any semblance of what "freedom" then meant was long gone, so in a sense when people say it ain't what it used to be.... well not shit Sherlock.. time marches on and your not the only person on this planet who goes through life and it's experiences. Some shorter than others. Some have it better than others. So think on this shit, I have the ability to write this because I was lucky.. yes luck an AMBIGUOUS as vague of a word I can use.

So I'm not 100% on any given subject nor am I 0% on any subject, I have a level somewhere in between.... well there are things that I just don't consider so in a sense those would be 0%. Typically things that have to do with harming others... I have a conflict with animals (dietary related & science testing but also realize where we'd be without) and find myself migrating to a more vegetarian diet. Nuance.. Nuance.. Nuance.. life is soo much about nuance... it really is not a black and white situation. 

So Back to the IR and loss of rights, look at all the tumultuous event occurring in the world then, but yet again as a fucking backwards species we can't see anything past ourselves. Which I know is crap and we could grow to something amazing, but I don't believe that entirely. I just see humanity locked in this struggle that appears to be a feature and not a bug.. but is it?

 Still conflicted on a "full commit", only because I know that evolution will continue, regardless of whether humanity is involved or not.. maybe.

 

So to sorta condense things a bit... IR accelerates the bridging of the world at it's core is the means to conduct trade, build wealth, via roads, highways, railways, communications, and ever evolving technological innovations to further strip the world of it's resources and vestiges of humanity (WWI&II).

Corporatocracy takes hold with Smith's book, further entrenched by trade deals and bureaucratic bullshit established by the same evil characters as today. The Stock Exchange is another chain attached...  propaganda by these corporations comes pouring forth from the US about a red scare after WWI, continued in the 50's and today. Again look at the history of oppression the US has exerted around the world at the behest of a "national interest" aka $ and the US will stop at NOTHING to achieve their end goal. But the US is not the only one guilty of this... look around the world, look at history, examples are littered. 

Further corporate interests advance the erosion of any sense of democracy this country had, now it's all an illusion. You are a commodity in the eyes of marketers and they are using every means at there unlimited funded disposal at taking away your money and your rights.

So then We see the erosion of jobs and industries in the US... then the Internet... another step in the further downward spiral of humanity and our society. It joins us... but separates us even further. 

The young don't know what the old do... we can see the storm.. well some of us can.. those who can read the signs.. and it's called fucking history and seeing how it all morphs and evolves!! Repeating with these fits and tantrums...

So as we have it.. we are fucked. Money.. Greed.. Ignorance.. humanity... evolution.. biology.. genetics.. instinct... epigenetics...

 

Marketing is everywhere.. you can't escape it. We have no real freedoms, just the illusion of them. I'm forced to work I have no options... it's all controlled and sanitized and manipulated by the corporations who own everything, including the politicians who write the laws that give them this power. Government is there to keep you distracted, or entertainment, or sports or insert everything and anything that keep people mentally distracted from the horseshit reality of life... it is all a lie.

The dystopian future we fantasize about is here.. and it worse because it's boring... and the real future dystopian tech is around the corner.. give it a generation or two...

 

the past week

 So in case I lose sight of the past week.. i think I had a mini moment...

I have that note that I wrote.. and posted here the other day.. then got a bit melancholy Thur and I think my exercise drop is to blame.. i needed to however... My body was dying.. hips on fire..

But need to walk and bike more.. bike early tomorrow.. before it warms up..

what did you do tonight...

 Made pumpkin cheesecake.. NY Times recipe.

Listened to Peer Gynt ... Amazing.

Had a margarita and now a "coffee".

In my minds eye

Behaviorsssss

Am I emotionally attached to confirmation bias??

So I'm very very very curious about psychology.. human behavior.. science.. metaphysics.. philosophy.. history.. art..  but mostly what does it mean to be human...

So I spend fairly decent amount of time on those topics..

Neuroscience.. consciousness..

And am very self aware or so I think... Jury is out still.. so I know my personality type more or less.. I know what interests me.. I've had a semester or so on human biology.. behavior.. psychology.. evolution.. cosmology..

Read up on enough history now that I love it all and have fits and spurts of interests on different topics on any give day.. but generally get up to speed with a week or so on these topics.. cliff notes.. which gets me further interested to rabbit trail even further..

I've noticed that a lot of my thoughts are starting to paint a bigger correlating picture.. or so I believe.. my skeptical mind ever present of not being tricked.. so often I'm remembering how nuance was never an option.. it's most likely not a dichotomy to choose from...

That said.. I do feel there are two fundamental aspects that would benefit humanity more than anything...

Knowing objective self awareness

Critical thinking skills

These alone would give humanity a punctuated equilibrium event of such strategic proportions history probably would never know..

That said.. I doubt it would ever happen..

I firmly believe.. from current ideas in physics about what reality is. Freewill.. things of this nature and I think that while evolution is very real and documented, this includes social and biological, that humanity is entwined in a balance of sorts. Considering light being one of the most fundamental aspects of reality that we know. We also know that light has mass, is a particle and a wave. We use it to measure distance in light years. We have theories (not Theory) about it being transformed into a ordinary perceivable object. Star Trek's holodeck being a modern day depiction of what that could be based on the science of today. Specifically math, which is more or less deemed one of the only things we on Earth can actually trust as being unbiased.

So yeah I think a lot.

Now.. when I rabbit trail i look up JSTOR articles.. scientific papers.. colleges.. professors lectures... Science related websites.. i firmly believe that a diversity in education.. experience.. and beliefs..

Though I do have a caveat to all of this..

Evidence.. benefit to the community.. and is there a way to honor past traditions based on new evidence?

I'm not spiritual.. I'm not 100% against it.. just 99%

I think there's just the mind and body...

Spiritual and this shamanic ideologies..

Ehn.. I get it.. this tie to existence.. the world.. animals.. everything thing.. i get that.. but I don't separate it from my mind... They are one..

It's because I know . That I am evermore grateful..

There is a universal harmony.. though I'm not sure humanity can overcome biology.

Ideas change and you must adapt with updated information. Time doesn't stop just because you think your formal education is complete. To do otherwise is poison for the mind and body.

Self discipline is needed.. though I think these are by products of the two topics above.

So I get emotional when I read something that confirms and idea that I have had about other things I've read/experienced and formulated a personal theory... Which I freak out about and question...

I have a lot to still read and this is all pre freshman thoughts... Armchair science geek opinionated.. please do your own validation of actual reality.

Again.. I know that varies by person.

fyi - added more on my phone after this...

Observations

 So this is the hot topic atm...

https://old.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/qga9hg/george_carlin_on_larry_king_explaining_the_dave/?sort=controversial

And I'm thinking about how I see both sides... I saw the show and it was funny and offense all at once.

The problem that groups and I include any and all groups that either are a minority and have been marginalized or they are groups who feel they are marginalized.Though ultimately it boils down to this, Chappelle is speaking from his "world view", this is a conscious/neuroscience thing about how we all individually perceive the world different from one another and the ideas and knowledge that we have is ever so nuanced that we weigh our perceptions ever so different but generally with in an average more or less. The social cohesion, social psychology and human behavior have additional points on this. Yeah Sapolsky!

So you have one person who is speaking a "truth" so to speak, but for others who are directly effected the "truth" is not what Chappelle is professing.

Truth is subjective in that there's nuance.... Hello there!

And for those that have no clue what that was all I have to say is that it's layered and if you can figure it out... get a life. I jest, only because that implies myself as well. It's layered in that the phrase is not the reference but the character and what they say in the 3rd* movie.

*there's only 3 movies!!

How to be a better human

 I need to research this more... that book by mr sapolsky - behave - i need to get this.

2 lost children

 What Brian more than likely did to gabby is without a doubt unacceptable. There is no cursory reason why either should be dead, but here they are and now we have two sets of families grieving and I having not a single connection with any of them feel heartbroken as well. Though I won't begin to weigh my sorrow against theirs. It just makes me reflect on humanity, on myself.

I also reflect on how I've changed, as this capacity for empathy was never there and I'm always readily available for a burst of emotions should the need arise. 

I don't really want to write more about this tragedy, I don't want to speculate as to the circumstances other than young kids (20 somethings?) caught in the midst of an emotional and irrational irrevocable moment. And like that... forever committed to a path of irrationality.

Having been there (not in that situation) but in a moment of irrational thought and behavior teetering towards oblivion... only to not have it come to fruition... a resigned failure at yet another endeavor. Suicide was not for me... 

Change

 Is change, the thought of one able to mentally manipulate their behaviors and choices in and of themselves, is that something people are conscious of and that they are capable of doing in and of themselves?

Do most people just give up? How important is education? What are some factors around this that could have an effect on it either positive or negative?

Life is a Spectrum.. continued...

 So the idea that I have of life being a spectrum.. and that there is some physics involved (waves/particles/subatomic behavior) that I'd like to tie into about matter and waves and particles and I need to get a better understanding on these topics.. but the concept about .. and it's gone..

damn it.

I really liked the analogy I was using.. 

and by the time I got logged in I had forgotten it.. pencil/paper???

What I want

 To understand enough about the world that allows me to succeed as a human being that is a part of the universe, in the most maximal of all possible ways that I am capable of.

Fuck... that's my frustration at being an ignorant fuck and wanting to know all the things. As I listen to Skip's Variety Polka Show on KSPC.

I'm whelming up with emotion at the moment.. I should say emotions because it's a wave of multiple... happiness, joy, sadness, elation, giddy, silly, and I don't know if I like this Lennon song anymore..

Imagine

OOOhh

ok.. so I have issue with this song being so commercialized I guess.. the song that has an actual fucking message but gets blurred by the machinations of the oligarchy that rules the planet that continues to keep the majority of humanity enslaved in ignorance, fear, doubt, antiquated customs and traditions, along with beliefs.

Busy day today..

Hi ADHD..

and lost phone that night

Fuck bunker sucked.. seriously bent about that.

db 25th Anniversary.. and I'm on acid

 Fuck I'm bored.. seriously bored.. none of the music is even remotely in my wheel house and I keep hearing the sounds of songs i know.. so industrial now has disco DJ's.. this wouldn't be so bad if the music worth it.. it just crappy euro beats with hints of the past..

Ehn... I paid for this...

The Evolution of Knowledge and the sense of a past life sensation thought experiment

 So I've had this idea kicking around in my head for quite a while now. Handful plus of years perhaps, but this idea that I've had in the new field of epigenetics. So it's my opinion that epigenetics is primarily responsible for the things that drive us as a person, yes that's fucking ambiguous.

Umm,, So for instance the well documented history of father passing down a trade or skill to his children, typically a son or sons. At times perhaps skipping a generation or more but producing one whose skill and adeptness seems to be completely innate, this person is obviously gifted. Not too mention the little buggers residing in our stomach and intestines. We've yet to unravel the human body completely.

This is what is so amazing... 

The butterfly

 Thought.. do people need to go through the ups and downs life throws at people in order to develop who they are alone or is it only possible if supplemented with a "proper" education?

So I was thinking of that analogy of how just like a butterfly needs to struggle out of it's cocoon so too do people in a sense need to go through their own struggle to become a butterfly metaphorically. Though I wonder if that is true. Can people be taught and I'm going to assume that is the case.

How do you measure something that can't be?

https://hbr.org/2010/10/what-cant-be-measured

Emotional being

Mental being

Physical being

Off on a rabbit trail...

Blondie - Dreaming (Official Video)

So I was actually listening to a different Blondie song, Accidents Never Happen which is probably my favorite from them. I initially only wanted to hear that one song and then scrolled up and lo and behold this was the first track. I never knew that this would be one of those songs. I grew up with Blondie but didn't really grow up with Blondie. I like that "whatever that is" the grew up with but didn't grow up with bit, I'm sure there is some name for that bit some where. simile? Not sure, don't think it is.. any who.

I was amazed that I was actually struck by that song, another one of those audible tethers to a time long gone. Seriously like plucking a string and the vibrations reverberate through me. The emotional attachment that I apparently have to that. Wow, apparently the stress has been a bit much these past few weeks as I've found myself even more emotional than I previously thought I was. I'm tired.. of the stress.. and dealing with it. Especially having to avoid food.. holy fuck.. that is fucking annoying.. and the weed. ARGRHRGRHA..

I'm hoping I can do better in my English class... exhausted with IT issues especially....

SO the great Linux experiment has ended and I've crawled back to MS.. I fucking hate tech.

Work in Progress

 Seriously I don't know why I'm crying over a show that for ???? reasons I identify with, but I also know that I'm thinking that I have this weird thing.. this weird thing being my opinion on a behavior I may have that I just was able to put some thought around.

So I was raised in a not ideal environment one that problem millions (billions) of other kids go through. My uniqueness is this, my mother who suffers from a whole range of undiagnosed mental health issues and a father who I honestly don't know his deal.. coming from a border town in the South Western US. Why was he different in that ability to reason one's self to an aware state (mostly?). I never really identified with a group and I do recall always trying to fit into a group, but never feeling a part of one. As I got older I did question this idea and for what I thought was something settled.. my concept that ethnicities and groups have a tendency to be to exclusive, even in cases where they are needed due to say RAMPANT COLONIAL RACIST INSTITUTIONS having been born on the backs of other humans, that are still not in an equitable state as they should be.

 

Rabbit trail thought.

 

So both of my parents, neither of which had the skills or knowledge that we have know about mental health issues though she was told/offered/suggested therapy on numerous occassions - always denied it. I on the other hand started therapy at 10, first in patient moment from 12-13 ( 6 mos Crossroads/Van Nuys - 9 mos Newport Harbor/Newport Beach), out for 3 months? 4 months... managed to get honor roll and regress at the same time. Went back to Newport for another 9 mos. 

 

I was thinking that maybe as a result of my not having any sort of proper parental rearing, neglect I was absolutely neglected by that woman. I can think of numerous incidents of me getting into trouble due to her lack of supervision and my father purposely worked 12+ hour days to stay away from her. Fuck I hate that woman.... I hate that she is to god damned of a pussy to accept reality, but I also realize that it was not her time so to speak to have therapy as something of an option with having not even a high school education and a general disdain for it. She liked showy things.. 

So my thought is this.. as a result of the neglect and people biologically needing to fit in, is it possible that my inability to fit in stems for a myriad of things that that this could be one or a big one but honestly there really is no way to know...

and I get this impression that I'm identifying with emotional situations too much and I have a lot unresolved shit that I don't know about still. I found that math stressed me so much that I nearly had a breakdown and that the emotional fallout is still continuing.. what a waste of a weekend... I think I went a bit overboard on spending.. I'm afraid.. I won't be where I want to be in 5 years and there is not a god damned thing I can do about it.  It's the future I'm afraid of.. the unknowns the shit that I can't control.. not the emotional roller coaster days where I spend way too much money but the day(s) that send you down a different path that is usually some swamp infested shit house on a metaphorical journey we like to call life. Who ever fucking termed this existence life should be shot. 

I think I might be obsessing about things things things things.. and I can't even type out what it is.. and why am I being so worked out about it.. and I'm finding that I don't know is a good answer.. about one's sexuality.. are we here again because I thought that this was sorta resolved as in I Don't Know was the answer for the moment.. or maybe bi.. most likely enby.. still figuring it out.. and I like trans woman.. or I'm finding out people in general.. of a certain type/flavor that's appealing to me.. and I don't have to justify whom I'm attracted to as long as it's a healthy adult sentient species compatible relationship. I'm trying to be future forward.. that's also a joke, but not really. Too often do we as a species like to claim ultimate authority and superiority over what is reality and was isn't..

I like the moments where I'm not a stress case that fall at the nears sign of stress but I'm thinking that maybe I am.. then again maybe it is math..dyscalculia.. well I have a semester to trying and improve significantly. My head is clearly not in it today.. and that's ok. We aren't ended the race we are just rescheduling it.

So I'm having a weird moment as i'm finding myself identifying with the main character way more than I thought I would and she actually touched on a subject that I honestly never thought I'd hear in a general but specific manner about dealing with late age mental health issues and journaling.. granted their collection is significantly larger than mine I still felt a chord strike my brain awake.

Work in Progress... I guess there's a miasma of mental mud soup in there. I'm feeling a connection and also why am I feeling a connection with someone whom I never thought I would have anything in common with (lead character is a dyke lesbian).  Part of me is also feeling like I'm missing out on this camaraderie and friendship levels that I honestly doubt I will ever see, not that I want a lot of friends but at least have 2 options to chill a month. On the other hand I'm thinking that's it's just smoke and mirrors don't bother forming attachments or friendships it'll only end in disappointment.

casa vega

 2 Cadillac Margaritas in and a mostly finished plate of chicken flautas... Why is it some places call them taquitos and other places flautas?

I though flour was flautas corn was taquitos..

Anywho.. this place is a bit of a sit on the wall and watch people.. one of the bartenders reminds me of my brother... Unable to take responsibility and blame everything... Now this may do me harsh but watching him it's obvious he's struggling behind there, he's got the gift of gab.. which helps to cover his inabilities... 

Now i have flautas and 2 mar.. Cadillac Margaritas to walk off..

Dropped Math Class.. but have a plan??

 So my anxiety levels are through the roof at the moment, all due to math. So I've gone from fairly chill and relaxed to having thoughts of how I'd rather be dead. So yeah.. dropping math class, and I feel guilty as fuck for doing it. I have to take a different approach and I'm having a hard time understanding what I need to do because I'm so fucking frazzled at the moment..

seriously if I've used the word frazzled... that there is a fucking clue as to how fucking stressed out I am at the moment. I'm so fucking stressed that I can't even keep up with typing as I have that many fucking words pouring out of my head, granted it seems like a bunch of filler and nonsense but holy fuck this is just the god damned filter being burst forth like damn breach in Nor Cal. 

I've gone through anger, resentment, disappointment, fear, sadness, depression, resolution, uncertainty, feeling blinded by what the hell I should do next, what I shouldn't do next and I'm sure there's a few dozen more in there that I haven't even recognized. actually needed to take a breather there and check spelling. Feeling disappointed that I can't even... so here is the plan.

Online classes - Khan & Aleks... I'm gonna freak the fuck out if I even attempt to try and use those now.. (mostly because I need to be a cheap ass atm). Followed by the fact that I have purchased my book and my wiley online school token thingy... I'm uncertain if I should attempt to even do any assignments or attempt to study it. I'm frazzled .. fucking frazzled..

I had a big motherfucking dab.. and I'm still fucking wired as fuck right now.  I hate "visiting this place"* it really is something I'd thought I washoping I was done with... c'est le vie.  I need to adapt.. I need to get through this.. I need ti understand how to not allow my brain to take me here and I know there is a HUGE behavior component here that I need to eval.. and well.

I'm freaking out.. I feel so fucking outta control at the moment.. more so than I'm used to these days. Distractions.. I've had to resort to game distractions.. BECAUSE IT'S TOO FUCKING HOT OUTSIDE!!! 100+ this past few days, maybe by Monday it'll be in the high 80's.

Triggers

 Holy bat fuck...

So I'm realizing just how bad this math induced anxiety depression apathy shit really is.. 

Was it math all this time? (That's gotta be the best joke on this whole thing)

I realized it a bit earlier as well when I took off to run some errands with BW. At one point I realized my excitement levels were that of a funeral, even now they are really low and I would definitely say this whole event has me feeling verkakte. 

So now what do I do?

I'm thinking dropping class.. but keeping to some sort of math class without math class.

I don't know.. I'm frazzled as frazzled can be.

2 more hours of this shit...

Math makes me want to end my life

 So yeah.. I'm being very melodramatic about this and that alone irritates the fuck outta me..

but not nearly as much as math does... fuck I hate math.. I fucking hate that I disintegrate as I do when this topic comes up.. I'd rather learn a language than math. I'd rather go to a concert hosted by KIIS than do math.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Pam

 So I it's been a few minutes since I left the post office and was thinking how I really haven't processed this.. us. any of it. I've been on auto pilot and just "kicking the emotional can down the road".. I guess. Though that's how I've generally operated in the past...

I'm trying not to psycho analyze this as I type.. I was just thinking about how I really haven't felt like I have processed us.. and now I am. 

I'm sorry you had to deal with me. Then again I'm sorry we didn't work out... 

I was walking back sending you the screenshot, noticing that the date they'll received them will be the 10th.. For one split second I wanted to feel a sense of schadenfreude about it, only to be flooded with sadness. The sense of loss, feeling abandoned, betrayed, anger, and fear. If you asked why to yourself you were asking the wrong person, but honestly I don't think you'd ever understand. 

And I want to smack myself in the face for that.. that's me quitting on a person...  and I have a bad habit of that with people. How am I being open to others? How am I cultivating a proper relationship with others? How am I not going crazy from the anxiety I "think" is there or could be there as a result of going outside my comfort zones?

Having a very ADHD moment, I'm not allowing myself to be in a "proper environment to facilitate the proper documentations process" or something to that effect....

Massage.. definitely thinking I need a massage. 

Pam was the default choice.. I think I was for her as well.. that's how great our communication was. I've said it before.. I'm surprised I survived to procreate. That in its self is a feat to be amazed at. If this was a video game I would have snuffed me out around age 4 or 5. Seriously downhill after that. 

Do I loathe myself... am I too stoned? 

What is it, what is this that I can't put my finger on at the moment??? Now that's disconcerting... because.. because that hasn't really happened in a bit now and I have school in a bit.

So maybe too stoned.. 

Who what where when why

 So I think I'm a bit frazzled.. stressed.. disturbed...

School.. Work.. things in general...

Anxiety...

Woke up.. still a bit beat from Sunday.. but I more of less danced all night long so yeah.. a bit worn out after 5+ miles..

Though right now I feel a bit.. out of sorts.. a bit angry.. disgruntled.. peeved.. miffed.. at nothing in particular and everything at once. 

Wanting to write something out in a more proper fashion yet I don't really feel any other words coming to mind.. my back is a bit fuzzy which is normal.. fuzzy with pain that is. 

Shoulders are a bit tense.. you know I'm thinking maymayhapshaps a massage...