So my anxiety levels are through the roof at the moment, all due to math. So I've gone from fairly chill and relaxed to having thoughts of how I'd rather be dead. So yeah.. dropping math class, and I feel guilty as fuck for doing it. I have to take a different approach and I'm having a hard time understanding what I need to do because I'm so fucking frazzled at the moment..
seriously if I've used the word frazzled... that there is a fucking clue as to how fucking stressed out I am at the moment. I'm so fucking stressed that I can't even keep up with typing as I have that many fucking words pouring out of my head, granted it seems like a bunch of filler and nonsense but holy fuck this is just the god damned filter being burst forth like damn breach in Nor Cal.
I've gone through anger, resentment, disappointment, fear, sadness, depression, resolution, uncertainty, feeling blinded by what the hell I should do next, what I shouldn't do next and I'm sure there's a few dozen more in there that I haven't even recognized. actually needed to take a breather there and check spelling. Feeling disappointed that I can't even... so here is the plan.
Online classes - Khan & Aleks... I'm gonna freak the fuck out if I even attempt to try and use those now.. (mostly because I need to be a cheap ass atm). Followed by the fact that I have purchased my book and my wiley online school token thingy... I'm uncertain if I should attempt to even do any assignments or attempt to study it. I'm frazzled .. fucking frazzled..
I had a big motherfucking dab.. and I'm still fucking wired as fuck right now. I hate "visiting this place"* it really is something I'd thought I washoping I was done with... c'est le vie. I need to adapt.. I need to get through this.. I need ti understand how to not allow my brain to take me here and I know there is a HUGE behavior component here that I need to eval.. and well.
I'm freaking out.. I feel so fucking outta control at the moment.. more so than I'm used to these days. Distractions.. I've had to resort to game distractions.. BECAUSE IT'S TOO FUCKING HOT OUTSIDE!!! 100+ this past few days, maybe by Monday it'll be in the high 80's.
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