Repetition

 Here we are again.. My oldest is back in the hospital. Less than a month since he got out? If I dwell on it I will drown in the vacuum of space that would be my sadness. I can see a dark path of despair and dread and sorrow and anguish if I tread down that way. I retreat as I can, but there is this magnetic like pulling upon my being that wants to consume me. That endless cycle of self despair with no end, just moments of a gasped breath and usually when you think you can't hold your head above water you find a piece of flotsam. Though depending on how the flotsam is constructed if may as well be cotton candy. There is no substance to it and the reality you thought you had disappears before you in a flash. 

Yet if you manage to move and not just tread water you will find that there is land and a peace that can be obtained but that is dependent on how vigilant you are on your self awareness. Self awareness vigilance entails a comprehensive re-education, self discipline, and a strong sense of curiosity. These are self taught, just as those famous and well know people of history endeavored to do.

Know I want to add a caveat here... I firmly believe that if you are in a state of comfort there is no room for growth. If you don't question your habits & behaviors and ask if these are furthering your goal why do them. This is not to say that one isn't allowed a bit of free time, just be mindful that one doesn't occupy more time. It's all about balance, sometimes you may need to have to devote a large amount of time to one particular endeavor, but also take the same time to decompress. Enjoy life, experience it. This is how you get a greater understanding of you and the world around you. This is where having a greater depth of knowledge starting with a Classical Education... yes just like B Franklin did. Learning from those leaders of the past, reading about governments, art, culture, customs. Then seeing that the contemporary view really isn't so different.

I'm a novice.. I'm late to the game on this. I've fantasied for so long about doing more.. being more.. that I pigeon hole myself on my own aspirations.. I don't like the spotlight.. I don't feel like I can relate to people.. I'm a bit intense in conversations with others... Why is it that I say that I can't relate to others... Why is it that I feel (there's psychological/sociological component here if I recall... narcissism? ) that even though I know I have very similar childhoods with others - latchkey kid/broken home/etc. That my experiences have shaped and molded me to where I am now. I've been smug as hell lately, my patience with roomies is wearing thin. Yet if I'm to understand any of the history and human behavior and psychology and etc... that I've learned over the years I get it... they haven't reached a bottom or they have resigned. Is that they only two options? It's like they have bought into the bullshit reality that is life and from what I've seen of the day in day out same behavior for over 2 years now... certain assumptions are made or is it extrapolations. 

Not all seed that falls to the ground will germinate and not all the germinates will grow and not everything that grows will bloom. It takes careful guidance, cultivation, and effort on ones own part to make something of themselves. There is not magic event that is going to change your situation. You need to strip away everything that you think you know in a Cartesian manner. Learn how to use critical thinking skills, they are not inherent. And here is the arrogance that I sense... that I can do something. Is that arrogance?

Is wanting to do something arrogant? Only if you think that you will see any results... but then why attempt this? 

Got tamales to make...