Pam

 So I it's been a few minutes since I left the post office and was thinking how I really haven't processed this.. us. any of it. I've been on auto pilot and just "kicking the emotional can down the road".. I guess. Though that's how I've generally operated in the past...

I'm trying not to psycho analyze this as I type.. I was just thinking about how I really haven't felt like I have processed us.. and now I am. 

I'm sorry you had to deal with me. Then again I'm sorry we didn't work out... 

I was walking back sending you the screenshot, noticing that the date they'll received them will be the 10th.. For one split second I wanted to feel a sense of schadenfreude about it, only to be flooded with sadness. The sense of loss, feeling abandoned, betrayed, anger, and fear. If you asked why to yourself you were asking the wrong person, but honestly I don't think you'd ever understand. 

And I want to smack myself in the face for that.. that's me quitting on a person...  and I have a bad habit of that with people. How am I being open to others? How am I cultivating a proper relationship with others? How am I not going crazy from the anxiety I "think" is there or could be there as a result of going outside my comfort zones?

Having a very ADHD moment, I'm not allowing myself to be in a "proper environment to facilitate the proper documentations process" or something to that effect....

Massage.. definitely thinking I need a massage. 

Pam was the default choice.. I think I was for her as well.. that's how great our communication was. I've said it before.. I'm surprised I survived to procreate. That in its self is a feat to be amazed at. If this was a video game I would have snuffed me out around age 4 or 5. Seriously downhill after that. 

Do I loathe myself... am I too stoned? 

What is it, what is this that I can't put my finger on at the moment??? Now that's disconcerting... because.. because that hasn't really happened in a bit now and I have school in a bit.

So maybe too stoned..