Work in Progress

 Seriously I don't know why I'm crying over a show that for ???? reasons I identify with, but I also know that I'm thinking that I have this weird thing.. this weird thing being my opinion on a behavior I may have that I just was able to put some thought around.

So I was raised in a not ideal environment one that problem millions (billions) of other kids go through. My uniqueness is this, my mother who suffers from a whole range of undiagnosed mental health issues and a father who I honestly don't know his deal.. coming from a border town in the South Western US. Why was he different in that ability to reason one's self to an aware state (mostly?). I never really identified with a group and I do recall always trying to fit into a group, but never feeling a part of one. As I got older I did question this idea and for what I thought was something settled.. my concept that ethnicities and groups have a tendency to be to exclusive, even in cases where they are needed due to say RAMPANT COLONIAL RACIST INSTITUTIONS having been born on the backs of other humans, that are still not in an equitable state as they should be.

 

Rabbit trail thought.

 

So both of my parents, neither of which had the skills or knowledge that we have know about mental health issues though she was told/offered/suggested therapy on numerous occassions - always denied it. I on the other hand started therapy at 10, first in patient moment from 12-13 ( 6 mos Crossroads/Van Nuys - 9 mos Newport Harbor/Newport Beach), out for 3 months? 4 months... managed to get honor roll and regress at the same time. Went back to Newport for another 9 mos. 

 

I was thinking that maybe as a result of my not having any sort of proper parental rearing, neglect I was absolutely neglected by that woman. I can think of numerous incidents of me getting into trouble due to her lack of supervision and my father purposely worked 12+ hour days to stay away from her. Fuck I hate that woman.... I hate that she is to god damned of a pussy to accept reality, but I also realize that it was not her time so to speak to have therapy as something of an option with having not even a high school education and a general disdain for it. She liked showy things.. 

So my thought is this.. as a result of the neglect and people biologically needing to fit in, is it possible that my inability to fit in stems for a myriad of things that that this could be one or a big one but honestly there really is no way to know...

and I get this impression that I'm identifying with emotional situations too much and I have a lot unresolved shit that I don't know about still. I found that math stressed me so much that I nearly had a breakdown and that the emotional fallout is still continuing.. what a waste of a weekend... I think I went a bit overboard on spending.. I'm afraid.. I won't be where I want to be in 5 years and there is not a god damned thing I can do about it.  It's the future I'm afraid of.. the unknowns the shit that I can't control.. not the emotional roller coaster days where I spend way too much money but the day(s) that send you down a different path that is usually some swamp infested shit house on a metaphorical journey we like to call life. Who ever fucking termed this existence life should be shot. 

I think I might be obsessing about things things things things.. and I can't even type out what it is.. and why am I being so worked out about it.. and I'm finding that I don't know is a good answer.. about one's sexuality.. are we here again because I thought that this was sorta resolved as in I Don't Know was the answer for the moment.. or maybe bi.. most likely enby.. still figuring it out.. and I like trans woman.. or I'm finding out people in general.. of a certain type/flavor that's appealing to me.. and I don't have to justify whom I'm attracted to as long as it's a healthy adult sentient species compatible relationship. I'm trying to be future forward.. that's also a joke, but not really. Too often do we as a species like to claim ultimate authority and superiority over what is reality and was isn't..

I like the moments where I'm not a stress case that fall at the nears sign of stress but I'm thinking that maybe I am.. then again maybe it is math..dyscalculia.. well I have a semester to trying and improve significantly. My head is clearly not in it today.. and that's ok. We aren't ended the race we are just rescheduling it.

So I'm having a weird moment as i'm finding myself identifying with the main character way more than I thought I would and she actually touched on a subject that I honestly never thought I'd hear in a general but specific manner about dealing with late age mental health issues and journaling.. granted their collection is significantly larger than mine I still felt a chord strike my brain awake.

Work in Progress... I guess there's a miasma of mental mud soup in there. I'm feeling a connection and also why am I feeling a connection with someone whom I never thought I would have anything in common with (lead character is a dyke lesbian).  Part of me is also feeling like I'm missing out on this camaraderie and friendship levels that I honestly doubt I will ever see, not that I want a lot of friends but at least have 2 options to chill a month. On the other hand I'm thinking that's it's just smoke and mirrors don't bother forming attachments or friendships it'll only end in disappointment.