November to remember

 I'm actually pretty sad at the moment. Yesterday was the anniversary of Chris Rosenblatt's death and I'm never ok at this time.

I'm really trying to process this.. holy fuck. It's been 33 years and I'm still processing this.. and it still hurts. 

And I'm abut to cry into my machaca...

What is it about this event that has stayed with me for so long.... why is his death such a huge deal to me?

Chris was a friend.. that I met through other friends I'd known for quite a while and now I find my thoughts are a maelstrom of chaos but even that seems to have too much order to them.

I'm finding that I'm in a powerless state, is this what drives me, is the immobilization of my activities of what I want to do, My anxiety drives me towards doing, and I don't know what. I have interests and desires and hopes but they come crashing down in an instant at moments. There are times as of late (the past week) that I find myself wanting to destroy it all again. This rage, the indifference to everything this disgust at myself and the whole of it all.. this is where I again lament at my lack of words. I feel a lump in my throat... a bit of undigested beef?

I'm sad at the moment... I hate the illusion this world creates because we are so ignorant and those that are less ignorant use this false reality to enslave us. Money kills us... commerce... the commodification of goods that are deemed more of value than people. Property deemed equal with conscious thought...

I need to read more.. I know what I want but it's not possible.. and that's frustrating because it's o far removed from reality and what i think is actually possible.

So this is a thought...

If we as humans are the only current species on this planet capable of  "reason" and the reality we live in bounds us by certain laws of the universe, physics. The thoughts that we have that we can use to create a more beneficial reality via science and reason, but there's this one little thing... humanity is both the cause of our problems.. (wait.. is it the answer though..) and only thing that can fix it.

Not me, but with others.. but I hate having to deal with others.. so there's this fucking thing..

god damn it... I know I'm a single person with limited resources/knowledge.. and I know I don't see the "big big picture" in spite of seeing the big picture.. ??!?!? I'm not so clueless to think that the society that is being presented to me is worth 2 shits.. the fake capitalistic bullshit.. the flagrant callousness of humanity or the environment... fuck..

frustration.. but why.. what can I do.. what good is it for me to get worked up.. and I want to sleep.. to shut down to leave. to end to escape.. 

and the tears are held back again.. i need to accept things if I want to change things.. I don't have to like them I don't have to agree with them.. I can be against them always.. but I won't let them rule me (??? so now how does one do this?)

I get that there are people over time who have let's say taken up a cause or position and always say things about not to be beaten or taken advantage of or to let the situation overwhelm them... now I have to think how the fuck did these people not want to BURN IT ALL FUCKING DOWN?!?!