Change

 So I'm sitting here fretting over everything I assume... when it dawned on me how much I feel hopeless and powerless...

Because I realized that i doubt I will ever attain what I want.. this isn't out of some deluded (I hope not on this - but that could be wrong as well). 

What i want.. fuck what do I want... I guess the one on the tip of my tongue at the moment is to be a better person, but i feel that my feelings will get in the way. Which is also what makes me human.. so if I want to be a better human I need to know myself.. my emotional triggers.. my emotional states.. and not just be driven by emotion. Though I think that is the trap... we ARE purely emotional beings... now that sounds a bit absolutist and let me clarify... the significant portion of us are, hence we are an anxious race. If we've determined emotional attributes in animals aside from ourselves why do we ignorant primates think...

But the facts seem clear... and I'll be using general assumptions about my perceived reality to best describe ow I see the world and understand it. Generalities about science, knowledge, history, etc.. I hope to not feel that the pursuit of things in life is futile (at the moment - I know I still have a unfocused drive at the moment - know this is somethings I'm going to divert for a bit and talk about)

So Things have been relative shit for the past few months regarding family and historical events.. see past posts..

But I still have a drive.. a desire to push through this.. I can't really explain it aside from that I now know that it's a temporary event. Not sure what plague the grand kids gave me but god damn by nose is raw from blowing it constantly. I still rode 16 miles on Sunday. Weight lifted Monday and walked... Walked Last Friday night also.. 

I still fight to get my lazy ass into gear and try not to grumble too much about others who are probably just as lost as I was if not more... then again some people don't really want to leave the Matrix. Which that last movie was pretty sucky.. and very preachy..  

I still have a motivation and a drive.. I still have a few more pounds to lose.. and hot damn stayed within acceptable holiday gains... weather being a big reason to decreased activity & mental health issues. Roughly 20 left to go ... will need another new belt.. fuck.

I've made progress and I think I've been too focused on worrying about others... which i think may be some sort of fucked up thing on my part.. need to reschedule with Erin. Done.. 

I get the sad impression that when we want to better ourselves at least for my over emotional ass that I don't have the coping skills in dealing with others.. 9/10 I'm already assessing the situation for potential friendships and I have a very high bar, looking for other sciencey outdoor nerds into philosophy and other proclivities... I'm a bit hyper critical of others and if I feel they don't meet this criteria I put them in the "acquaintance zone". Now the other fucked up parts are sexual attraction, how weird/counter culture you are, how independent you are in thought, interests, hobbies, etc... I feel that I may be sabotaging potential friendships because they don't meet some sort of ideal match... but conversely I also feel that i should have a say in who I form friendships with... that they should be of a certain personality type and though we may have some minor differences in opinion nothing in regards to polar opposites on core ideas. Namely - one people, one planet, well being for all & that science provides the best explanation for the reality we live in irrespective of what a person may feel or believe to be true. Our knowledge changes and grows are we learn more about the reality in which we share. Hence customs and beliefs should change accordingly. However this is a big problem for a majority of the planet. Look at the science, look at history.

So this part of me that feels this thing.. and I'm going to say this thought I've had as of recent.. now I'm not sure if it's because I've got a better understanding of the world or it was some sort of  tid bit of information I came across at some point, but I get these moments where the world seems to click, the focus on the lens increases in sharpness, in field of depth, and in field of view. Now another part of me goes how is that bullshit.. the dopamine-esque revelation of putting "2 and 2 together" so to speak. Further peeling back the onion... it's hard to say.. I read something.. I experience something.. I read some more.. I experience some more.. the world picture gets bigger.

But if I hide in a hole and do nothing waiting.. expecting to get saved I will die in that hole. There are so many examples in the world and so many examples that we as humans fail on. The so called rights we espouse are fucking garbage.

They allow other humans to treat other humans like garbage and trash. Those laws need to go.. the prevalent way of thinking needs to go. Yet I fear short of a cataclysmic event (Covid ain't one) humanity will forever kill one another from pure ignorance. Covid seems to be proving that one, fossil fuels, over consumption of resources, modern day slavery in actual and modified forms.

Part of me feels conflicted on this - I read something I believe it was a quote from A Einstein autobiography or something similar about those who can see outside the box generally don't fit well with those still in the box. or something along those lines... that loneliness is a trait of those who can view the world as it is. Now I'm not AE nor anyone/where close. Though I do have a brain and I want to know what this world has to tell me about myself... because

know thyself... is what I'm working towards. However it seems that for that to happen I'll have to change who I am along the way. Though a lot of the time it seems like that's not the case.. or I'm deluding myself again.. which will send in a tailspin of mental proportions. I already have a hankering suspicion of reality being  program of sorts.. There was an Asimov Foundation presentation that talked about this. (Yes.. my less ignorant ass is telling my loudmouth ignorant ass to go read some more).

Part of me sees that this could very well be a problem... despite it being a big component on my thought processes towards others.