Fuck TechNOlogy

 Help number doesn't connect..

Cell phone is dropping calls...

FUCK TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here we go again...

 

So I just got to this page today in this book - The Dawn of Everything - a New History for Humanity.

And that highlighted portion seems to fall in line with my idea about a punctuated equilibrium of humanity to get beyond what ails us...

So I'm really having a bit of hard time not going.. HOLY SHIT! This is my fucking idea! That is, I share the same sentiments in many respects to the highlighted section prior to reading it.. so I'm a bit excited about it. Though we both seem to have the same notion that things will need something extraordinary to happen should we want to see actual progress vs piecemeal, two steps forward - one step back. The struggle is realllllllllllll.

vegan

 Not to use any or conse any animal product or products produced from any other non human creature??

Something of that essence correct??

I get it...  I do. I find myslef struggling these days but still more than eager to listen to my body call for meat.. i want Mexican..

Family Bonding

 So I'm always critical of my parental skills or lack thereof when I think on chores in the past with the kids. Yet I know fully well that habits and behaviors are taught and learned. So needless to say with my dysfunctional parents I learned nothing of substance, aside from what I won't do. Only to fuck them all up in my own special way. That's what I reflect on, and god damn do I wish I could do it all over again but only knowing what I know now. Fuck trying to figure it all out that shit is painful as fuck, but is it supposed to be?

I think about anime characters and manga stories quite a bit, as I'm very grateful for the eastern philosophy that I get from them, stories of personal growth through hard work vs magical wishes being randomly bestowed upon unsuspecting teens (my rant against American comics). I think that's one of the big issues with a lot of the pop culture in America, it's too "my ship has come in" self serving. Eastern philosophy has taught me that it's the self that gives to others that makes one stronger. Diligence, persistence, patience, forgiveness, humility, believing in oneself, discipline, all aimed at improving oneself to help those around you.

So I had a thought a while back and I think I emailed some sort of mopey something the other to the kids about hindsight in building a better relationship with my kids.

Essentially too often I get the impression that chores and tasks are too often not shared and bestowed upon a single person. Though if we changed this habit/behavior to where all reasonable tasks/chores are shared. Especially with children, as this creates a specific moment that facilitates sharing of tasks/chores that well are not fun. You share in something that bonds one another with things that have to be done, good habits. Cleaning especially, split duties, have the kids tackle the low stuff and adults for the more altitude challenged ones.

Especially with dishes, one washes - the other dries. Take turns where appropriate. These habits could include oral hygiene and exactly how you go about flossing, cleaning your teeth and WHOLE mouth. Good grooming/hygiene habits... always good.

but this all depends on how disciplined you are from the get go..and I wasn't.. neither are my kids.

It's really easy to see what's lacking... don't forget to spend just as much if not more time on finding the good.... learning is always good.

Narcissist

1 - 5
2 - 2
3 - 4
4 - 2 - More that i'm an introvert
5 - 2
6 - 4 - generally no - but i do catch myself as of late 2nd guessing my appearance.. though that could be tied to me thinking what I'm doing is taboo (androgenuos pursuits). I want to explore and embrace my X chromosome. While that may sound weird for those who know me, I challenge that idea of what defines my humanity, society or myself? Any idea or tradition that seeks to regulate my self expression that does not infringe on another' right. I'm confronted with my idea about chaos theory.. oohh book.. fuck squirrel.. and how that with any topic you'll have a spectrum of polar opposites on a given topic and that somewhere in the middle is "ideal", but that ideal is just based on enough people sharing a common perception of that ideal, while the "noise" or outlyers make up varying fringe of "ideal".. chaos. Living in the US has taught us that more than anything, where every thing has to be categorized and ultimately divided into either/or camps.. this or that.. (but they give you that! - N Young)
7 - 5
8 - 2
9 - 3
10 - 3
11 - 3
12 - 4
13 - 3
14 - 4 - Maybe not at the moment. I felt like crap when i had to bow out of two classes last semester but had to keep telling myself it was for the best and still is for the best I see that 100000% I wasn't ready and I found that out the hard way. Hey I'm a slow learner.
15 - 4 - I really hate how ambiguous these questions are.. it's usually pretty fucking nuanced and these questions are sooooo generalized.
16 - 5
17 - 4
18 - 3
19 - 3
20 - 4
21 - 3
22 - 3
24 - 1
23 - 3
24 - 1
25 - 2
26 - 2
27 - 2
28 - 4
29 - 2
30 - 2

ND - 31
HN - 37
EN - 25

Emotional

 https://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/tioni-theus-murder-110-freeway-reward/2805083/

 

I find it difficult these days to read the news about stories such as these.. I think back on the articles and references I've read about crimes and humanity and the horrible crap we do to one another.

Reflective... What is it that gets me this way? Knowledge.. experience.. not wanting harm to come to me or others... wanting these same things for others as well...

 

The stress from the holidays is slowly.. slowly diminishing... not fast enough though. 

Middle of changing my bed...

Today I can...

Walk
Run
Swim
Laugh
Cry
Jump
Smile
Eat
Listen
Smell
See
Feel
Breathe
Think
Reason
Awe
Improve myself


Because one day I won't.

One day I won't be able to stand up. One day I won't be able to change a bed, tie my shoes, one day I won't feel cold, or warm, or teary eyed thinking about the hundreds of things I don't even think about that I will never do again some day. My eyes will fail and have already been failing since I was about eighteen. My knees, my hips are already failing, my prostate, my back. My time is fast approaching and to pathetically emote what have I done..

holy shit.. the knowledge about one's self is fucking depressing. The sobering reality of what trash humanity is... or am I projecting?

The sacrifices made along the way??? The slavery? Segregation? Persecution? If you're not persecuted or believe you are persecuted - now this is a philosophical minefield because there are so many well.. you know mines.

For shiggles and dumb generalizations... White people. While it's a slap in the face to those who have or are currently being persecuted it is in not of a similar persecution. Let me explain...

as one who was a former conservative even having been brought up on nothing... seriously aside from my musical tastes gravitating towards anarcho-punk and rebellious attitudes I was a clueless dumb fuck who eventually embraced Christianity... Southern California Non Denominational wishy washy feel good Christian. HOLY SHIT what a fucking death cult of ambiguity. To where I'd say I'm a bit more mentally aware of who I am as a person and how our society our actual fucking society is one of the worst offenders. What we know about the world and the knowledge we have.. holy fuck this shit really beats back the depression.. I get fucking optimistic. Reeducating myself... tearing apart who I am.. recognizing myself for what I really am.... (I made a edit there.. I put humans first before changing it to myself. I for the most part believe humanity is cancer, just based on the little bit I do know about science, sociology, human history, biology, psychology... and a HEAVY DOSE of anecdotal biased input.

I feel the arrogance of humanity will doom humanity.. or at least those who can't afford it. It's all sticks and straw.. everything.

It really is....

Dr King's speech about socialism for the rich... bootstraps for the rest.. - Blueprint speech

I really am moved to action and I need to be prudently zealous about this. Not entirely single-minded but definitely in a how to I incorporate this... I have a need to prioritize this year.. goals must be a bit more focused.

I still have a sliver of hope... that's what drives me. Damn that where's there's life there's hope quote I heard/read the other day... contemplated tatts on my hands... which you know what.. why not..

disjointed stoned thoughts... even that re read seems to need more eyeliner and black lipstick.. so edgy.

Current state of things

 So I know I had told myself the other day I needed to take a step back...

and i need to to re-evaluate where we are..

Things are better but worse? They are not the same.. but the better is I am making progress but also having to deal with things I've apparently neglected or ignored or was totally oblivious about... this is what's up.

Progress... and I can do better.

If I die, I die....

 Apparently this is something Meat Loaf said fairly recently about Covid.

It was in the OC Register as a tag/click line on top trending articles or something of the sort.

I've said this phrase one too many times. It's something that at the moment I'm a bit fascinated with in this aspect of what is my mood at the moment. Do I feel and believe this? At the same time? Different moments? Yes

The other day I had a thought of self death come into mind. I don't say suicide because as of my last attempts in 2019 I "feel" as if I've gotten past this inclination or desire. Not to say it doesn't blind side me from time to time as is the case for the other day. Though when I look at these words and reflect I'm drawn into this historical perspective of myself and situations. It's always about perspective, nuance, and context.

What was the situation before, during when the thought comes to mind? What am I missing? What information is not there that could or would change this?

Now I know when the emotions are full throttle, perspective usually flies out the window let alone any recollection of historical information that could defuse or change the situation.

I'm a bit sad.. but it's getting better. I need to get my ass in gear.. but it's always a holding pattern. I need to prioritize shit... work & school & fun - tempered with being responsible and self care and exercise and.. well it's a never ending list of things.

I feel the stress in my shoulders a bit too much these days.... working on that. Working on that. working on that....

volunteering is at the forefront of my mind.. in fact running off to go volunteer seems to be something I'm looking at, but it'll be a bit. Things are just in the entry stages of research... reddit4good / volunteer

And I'd be remiss to not say that the MLK speeches I've heard as of late are very... moving. They make me take stock and address my own self... very inspiring.

Martin Luther King, Jr., "What Is Your Life's Blueprint?"

self loathing

 and just like that the facade of imagination falls down...

if anything .. holy shit that was dark.. and now I don't even know what i was going to write.. self loathing.. 

hope is for the blameless...

Why is no excuse the line to not cross... why can't i forgive myself... because i can't forget it.. and i hate myself for that. 

I feel like the shoe is about to fall..

i feel inauthentic.. unoriginal.. disingenuous... fraud.. scum.. trash.. crap.. shit.. garbage.. my selfishness leads to destruction.. i destroy everything i touch..

damn this is some depression....

kids

 so I want to cry happy tears.. my daughter called to talk about her new job and jitters and I want to cry..

so happy she called me...

I hate myself..

this may consume me..

i wanted to write something completely self serving but why..

The Touch - Stan Bush (HD Restoration)

1986 the movies theaters that are no longer at Westminster/Goldenwest.. not the one a bit down the road.. that's the one that replaced the old one.

Bittersweet... 1986... smack dab in the mid of childhood.. memories.. so long ago.. 

Damn it's fucking difficult to visit my past.. but no problem before that.

First cultures

 so i was thinking about my attachment to goth music... now I'm no physician but I think my still wanting to go to clubs at 48 is two things at least.One is love to go dancing, I was doing that before I got with Pam and had kids and what not. Two I think there is some sort of wanting to belong to a culture thing there where in spite of my dancing like an epileptic Ian Curtis at times... it's a place I can let go I guess and I think when I first started going it was maybe every week for one club. Then when I moved out and had a place in Long Beach and it was 5+ nights a week going to clubs... yeah it's a bit a part of me and I'm a bit mad at myself for not realizing just how big a part of my life it is. I'm totally content going to just dance and ogle at a few people over the night... 

I'm very aware that will be a day when I can't do it.. so I'm doing it till then. That's another reason why I go...

Music and the emotional connection

 So this is just a snippet of music and the emotional connection.

This is specifically the "teen years".... songs that have way to much emotional baggage attached to them to go in full detail so I'm going to isolate this one instance..

Love Will Tear Us Apart...

I can't attach this song to one person.. it's pretty much 15. Met Chris got a better introduction to Joy Division and then any girlfriend thereafter but if I had to assign someone.. I still couldn't.. it would be a tie between Pam and Melissa... I never loved Pam as much as I did Missy. Though I think I would have come to a point that I resented Melissa if by some magical alternate reality we actually ended up together some how.. I would have 5 kids I know that much. Just 5? I wonder... seriously.. I'd like to NOT LIKE TO know... actually as I think I say nope don't tell me.. I'd get too curious and want to know a bit...

that's rabbit hole adventure I'm not ready for... but last time I checked it's not like I get a say in what I want regarding life.

Pam was very immature hormonal clueless fucktard driven... met a club.. sex was the primary driver.. it was new-ish.. but for some reason it was more trauma bonding apparently.. broken homes.. similar scenarios in mentally disturbed single parent upbringing... etc...

Missy was sweet 16 first love... dumb stupid head over heels track her down from time to time and pop in and out to say hi for a hot second to only lose track and then meet separated from wife girlfriend then not see for a bit then meet actual wife at one point then a maybe last recent stalk from last year.. but that was to just see if she was still in TO. Yeah I wouldn't think we'd be a good fit at this stage in the game and honestly wish the best for her. Last I knew she's had her fair share of bullshit and loss and triumphs... that's hers.

That hot damn those were good times.. I would have given my left testicle for her if she asked for it.. she broke me.. ruined on redheads from that point forward... her.. everything about her.. that smile.. her smell.. being in her presence.. fuck those pheromones are POTENT!!! I'm really tripping out at the moment.. because as I'm thinking back about that moment, about her specifically it was completely hormonal, but also how my memory is encoded for that is fucking blowing my mind away as I just think that my memory is emotionally triggered as I continue to dwell and linger on it expanding it's reference points, and how that if I think about my earliest memory I have no emotional attachment to it... but I do at 4.. Becky.. there's a corresponding future event in Costa Mesa that gave me a sort of flashback to Becky getting hit. Not that I saw it, I just recall it being an emotional event.

Smiths are complicated... The Cure will take a fine tooth comb review to address.. song by song.. albums..  crap..

'No Man is an Island'

 

'No Man is an Island'

No man is an island entire of itself; every man 
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; 
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe 
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as 
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine 
own were; any man's death diminishes me, 
because I am involved in mankind. 
And therefore never send to know for whom 
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. 


Olde English Version
No man is an Iland, intire of itselfe; every man
is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine;
if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe
is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as
well as if a Manor of thy friends or of thine
owne were; any mans death diminishes me,
because I am involved in Mankinde;
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.

MEDITATION XVII
Devotions upon Emergent Occasions
John Donne 

https://web.cs.dal.ca/~johnston/poetry/island.html 

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. at Stanford - "The other America" 1967

Chaos everywhere?

 So I'm so fascinated by this concept of chaos at the moment.. I need to really watch some more lectures and get a few books..

see previous posts about it..

So watching MLK Stanford speech 1967.. and I'm sitting here listening and thinking at the same time.. so I know I'll need to revisit this because I just have so many questions coming in my head at the moment..

so I'm listening and it's about 12 minutes in there about and I'm listening to him talk about the unemployment rate disparity and the historical changes. I'm having a running side fantasy going on about if I ever substituted as a teacher (will never happen) that I would teach the kids how to think critically and what ways I could use to entice them and lessons and etc..

So at which point I switch gears because I'm know thinking about how does chaos theory if any fit into human social dynamics... that is. Slavery was the norm, we are moving away from that norm, but you have generations of people who that was a reality and some areas don't culturally change as quickly as others and insert a whole slew of science based points.. demographics.. economics.. etc.. etc.. 

and you get to see how convoluted things are but it's also getting better right but also getting worse at the same time... because those old institutions that have had a death grip on humanity since when the fuck know ( Need to finish that new history book - because it deals with this). I just see what looks like the "forces*" of chaos at work.

So I'm thinking about how while it's been a glacial pace civil rights are making progress, but we should be fighting for human rights. I'll resist any group that seeks to oppress another based on poor reasoning. Now this may seem a bit of a hypocritical statement but isn't that what we should do? I support the human not the group per se. Granted together we are strong but again when ever you have more than one you are adding chaos and you will get factions and there will be splinter groups.. and those will splinter.. duh.. Take a music class.

Biology..

It's fractals all the way down. It's the same but different..

 

*The math of it or as I understand it from Sapolsky. You have a instance of an origin but chaos determines that you'll never hit that spot ever again, it'll be off ever so slightly. Now that causes this butterfly effect that over time shows the divergences to what could be thought of as a bit out of norm. Disruptions in the cycle of things.. Climate Change/Global Warming is said to have detrimental effects on the world.. my thoughts are squirrel!!!

oh boy....

 So I had a wild idea the other day... decided to start shaving my legs... well actually I bought the stuff for shaving my legs.. then started shaving yesterday... and ohhhhh boy.. how fucking self erotic was that experience..so I've sort of taken a step in well I'm attracted to clean shaven.. why not myself... and oh.. I feel tingly again.. like almost teen boy tingly again.. ohhh.. whoooooooooaaaa!

Is it really femme boy?

Now that was a thought... dressing up... being shaved... hgnnnnnn

The Psychedelic Furs - Love My Way (Official Video)

So Ive I'm going to document myself then I need to document everything... Psych Furs... absolutely a Melissa trigger... she made me a mix tape.. and it had Psych Furs on it.. not too mention she was my de facto by extension Redhead girl next door first love... It's really hard not to think about the good & bad shit about all that.. I could get lost in those feelings forever. Especially those good ones...  In some ways she was my Molly Ringwald crush realized.. but she was 100000000000000000 times better than I could have imagined.. but then again.. ravenous first times usually leave a mark..

why does the past make me sad.. what are these tears for?? regret.. not that moment.. not in a million years.. i wanted that moment to last forever... i know she's thought about me.. oh that ship has sailed.. she has gone down a dark republican path that I left years ago... why are memories bittersweet...

what is it about myself that processes the past the way I do.. why do I pull on the melancholy string so much... is it because I know (HOLD UP - I don't know) ---- I was going to say something along the lines about being able to recreate my past in a sense of awe and wonder and curiosity and fun that I use to have.. bit the things is.. I have this bullshit detector up 24/7 and if it doesn't match up with certain preconceptions then I quickly dismiss things and poo poo it away... so what I'm trying to do is .......

the weird

 so I'm having a day..

cortisol shot in other hip we now have a matching set...

getting worked up about Meat Loaf and now it's Louie Anderson... seriously I don't have it in me at the moment...

I'm having a day... getting over emotional about things..

started to shave my legs.. I shaved my armpits..

I'm exploring.. and that's healthy.. and it's perfectly normal despite my apprehensions and trepidations I want to explore my humanity... that's my journey that I want to continue on... I think that's what I'm freaking out about and the questions that I can't answer at the moment..the things not in my control that I pretend to act like they are not in my control... so hard to let go..

be present.. be available.. be mindful.. be compassionate.. be loving.. be humble..

it's a goal..

right now I just want to cry..

I'm feeling a bit confused.. though I think there is a part of the old me wanting to take root.. and that's just not going to happen.. I do feel a bit overwhelmed.. and I think it's just because I need to organize my strategery for the year...

revisit the foundationals..

natural vs artificial

 Chaos systems 

We live in a natural system of chaos.. and also we create artificial systems of chaos throughout out society..

Capitalism being a big one and i wonder how long can an artificial system sustain.. obviously if you take out the engine that started it would be an example of stopping it.

So what other artificial components are there?? Other artificial chaos systems?

So damn sad these days

 So Meat Loaf passed...

And I'm blubbering over here.. 

I'll always remember that Bat Out of Hell album cover... wandering the Wherehouse music store that was in the Westminster Mall. Scorpions..Blackout as well.

I didn't listen to Meat Loaf till I was in my 20's... discovering music just a bit more during that time. I knew who he was... Rocky Horror.. Bat Out of Hell.. but never intently went to go listen to him. Wasn't my cup of rock.. needless to say I'm a bit more seasoned.

I guess it's just one more fucking reminder that nothing lasts... I want to say everything you do matters.. if you think it matters.. so why do I think that matters..

because I have not an idea but just assumptions..

Damn you Jim!! - Total Eclipse of the Heart

This fucking song has me all sorts of fucked up.. and there's nothing really attached to it aside from a historical perspective.

So damn sad this days... and I don't necessarily want to be, but it seems I'm constantly reminded these days of the end is nigh...

Why is it I'm so damn sad.. is it loss.. it's it regret.. is it I don't want things to be this way and end and be shitty and empty and lonely and devoid of any real answers...

I never feel satisfied on answers.. why is this? what is it that causes this? 

 

I can't even watch that god damn RHPS bit of him...  Eddie!

So emotional these days... I don't want to ignore it.. and I don't want it to take over my life for the worse..  

I

(finding myself contemplating this "self" I'm so enamored with and can't seem to do better. regret.. remorse.. I am filled with 

the pain of hurt that can't be compared to the harm I've done..

any time I want to move forward I'm confronted with the self and a grim rebuke of chasing after something that I shouldn't even touch with my tainted hand..

a cold diseased touch... infectious, blackened, and withered.

 

the chaos.. that is reality... 

Stone Temple Pilots - Big Empty

For some reason I had equated this as having some emotional connection. I know I would get over emotional about this song since I heard it way back when it came out.. I wonder if it's just one of those songs.. yep there we go.. one of those songs that is connected to a moment... this moment happens to be a certain time frame namely early 90's..

I can't put a finger on anything specific... I had just gotten out of high school... living in HB 2 years later... then Pam.. D&D nights... then life..

 

Hamper and a belt

 So I just wanted to make a note about the little things...

Very seldom do we actually take into account what we have until it's no longer there. Weirdly these two items, a clothes hamper and a new belt fall in that category.

And having a hopefully new old friendship grow.. I'm serious in my recent thoughts about a new me.. very serious.. I need to change.. there's no way I'm not going to fight... as feeble as I am. I have things I want to do and I'm actually starting to do some of them... I've started the book.. aka vlog... that is I am in pre prod. and work has begin and continues.. my problem is how fast I'm in post and completed. that's my drive.. I have school this semester as well..

I have a sorta goal and I want to complete it... club is also very much an idea of something to have happen...

Chaos Theory & Living

 Finding balance...

so I'm looking at what chaos theory is at the moment and that's been primarily driven by what Sapolsky says about it in his lectures... see previous posts..

So I really need to look at what this is and what systems it applies to or if it's what I think and that because it's part of reality that it is also a fundamental aspect of reality... but to what degree and not just how it is measured but the cosmological understanding as well. We are all stardust. I'm starting to see that there is some sort of harmonic balance inherent in nature, not just from the times, seasons, the historical records.. what was lost and now has been found or more likely uncovered. Change is life, evolution is life, chaos is evolution, life is chaos.. evolution is a chaotic life as we change through the years. We can go with it or wither on the stalk, the grains that don't quite develop, those ones infested with bugs, those that make the it closer to the razors edge, those not quite at the birthplace of shit and toil and hardship. They'd make American farmer's look lazy, the nomadic tribes still present on Earth. The regional pocket tribes using either zero or virtually zero electricity in their day to day living. We in the West are fast lazy bastards, ever last one of us hypocritical pieces of subhuman shits... and I firmly believe that that is the case as we are held hostage by the fear of capitalism... 

blasphemous rumors

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFD8AkiQhvg

 

12... 13.. this song was my angst.. and even now I well up remembering those times in Newport... it's so damn bittersweet...

 The ignorance of youth...

 

Top of the hill.. 2nd time back... in the common room.. with the tv... and radio...

 

why is this memory so painful.. why is that time so impactful.... if i even attempted to listen to that album i would probably die...

 

it's always been M's album... and i can't even begin to process that.. even knowing what i now.. in fact if I think about it... it's a bit of a boner killer... so... ok.. maybe I'm just being a bit dq...

 

Seriously..... 6th grade skateway bullshit.... fuck this shit.. what the hell... so much emotional bs atm...

nitrous

 Just a mental note.. the nitrous was amaze balls . Holy crap... The procedure not so much.. but holy fuck.. i could see where people could want to be medically induced in some state bordering euphoria on an almost orgasmic level... Best trip I'd had in a bit.

Animosity

 I hate that I'm capable of such animosity towards others... What is this shit??

Because I want to fix what is obviously broken but I can't because it's mother fucking radioactive and it's my child.

I need to find a way to let go... Worrying took over a former in the back of the pack anxiety position... I hate horse racing.

Is my adventurous behavior directly related to the pressures and stress around me.. is there a direct correlation or is it just inferred??

Do i make bad choices because of my poor coping mechanisms??

Am i still full of shit like always??

My balls say yes... They are cold and shriveled atm.

so i had this idea for a movie

 Essentially the premise is AI comes sentient... Sees how humanity oppresses humanity.. wipes out the oppressors to save a small percentage only to have humanity destroy the AI.

dystopian insights

 So I'm at a chili's because I wanted a decent burger and a drink or two.

I'm just thinking how that most places are really just a brand...  That the choices you are presented with really are bullshit.

Fast food 

Fast casual 

Casual sit down 

Etc..

I need a night market.. a daily market... I want to interact.. well people watch mostly.

Anywho 

I'm looking at what people embrace... Even knowing that these things are superficially bullshit.. there is a drive that moves people.. and it's real and it's there.. it something that I need to be able to see me accept and allow myself..

Generation ?

 To have reached a level of understanding about the world in which I live if is something that is actually quite remarkable in the grand scheme of things, that is if I'm to believe what I read. Sadly this make me wonder how much if any of it is "true" or what can I actually believe. 

Maybe there's a strong set of confirmation biases taking root in my psyche or the reality that I see is the actual reality around us.

I grew up in a suburban landscape that is Southern California starting in the late 70's. The 2nd child of mixed raced parents. He was a arrogant daredevil wanting to see what the world offered beyond the border armpit of a city in West Texas, El Paso. Play it Mr Robbins.

Ah yes Texas, the one star state. Loved it ever since I saw that one on the internet. Be who you are, but be a better version. That is a very narrow ledge, a razor's edge if you take it too seriously. 

I'll hopefully address "quotes from famous people" for $100 later on. 

So a different "colored Southern boy" marries a Georgia Peach that apparently had worms in it. Blech.

My acerbic words are my feelings towards my parents and I get to have them. These are my experiences.

Living with a father who was the quintessential workaholic (namely due to a shitty marriage), but also hasn't reached a level of self awareness I'd say. Very much bought into the "hard work" ethic (one size does not fit all). He had a stable childhood to some extent, once he left home and lived with his grandparents. Apparently being the oldest boy gave him privileges that his sisters didn't enjoy. Jealousy and a bit of resentment was the impression I got. Who'd blame them, considering it was 1950's, border town that I know he was a trouble maker, had been visiting relatives in Chihuahua (Cuca/Henry (aunt/uncle) related I think some how). Michael, Bambi, Professor... someone couldn't make it in the military - had a record. Is in LA during this time. Tries working, UCLA and partying full time.. didn't last long. Pops joins AF, visits Philippines, Japan, Key West - meets my mom..

She's from Decatur... Currently in Conyers if I believe records are correct.  She's oldest of 2, her sister is a few years younger. Don't have any specifics aside from this..

Her father died when she was 12..

He was a raging alcoholic and died of cirrhosis..

Something about here breaking her toes when she was delivering ice one time..

She said her grandmother was a full bloodied Cherokee - at 10 when my parents where getting divorced I was dragged across the country by her to go to Ga to trace her ancestry. While I have what  guess are fond memories it's with a new perspective that I get to revisit this experience. Camping along the 40 .. Flagstaff... KOA Campgrounds.. Stuckeys... weird side show roadside attractions.. Teepee shaped trading posts driving through reservations... the Painted Desert.. and I find myself fighting back tears on this.. is it because I don't have anything at the moment.. am I that lonely.. I need to get my pulse back down...

Different Realities

 So is this a "epiphany" for me???

So I get that realities are not the same for one another person... and I just realized how true that was when I was thinking about P and I... So Sidney Poitier passed today... and knowing I've not seen a good deal of his movies I decided to watch his well known one, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

Damn that redhead is a spoiled brat... at 23... holy crap.. I get that it's a dated piece and am very familiar with the trope and the time period. 

I was thinking about Pam and I.. and how our relationship went South... which got me to think about how we have a different reality and that is determined by our experiences... and I was trying to exercise...

So let me explain, I feel that my experiences (positive/not-positive) have shaped me to be who I am now. Do I wish it was a different way, hell yes.. and that is my question.. is the struggle necessary.

Am I denying a human experience... I'm feeling like this is a fundamental aspect of self awareness. Is a methodical, calculating way about how I approach people, even the people on the street. I have a difficult time relating to others, despite me seemingly have a bit more range on empathy... again I still feel like I'm bullshitting myself on more than any other level...

I'm reminded about fractal genes... Sapolsky

Distracted by the movie... the parents meet him, and like him. ....onions...

What is that when people talk about a historical moment, typically between two or more people... The problem I see is that when one or the other person's brings up that moment... the emotional connection is not the same necessarily, despite they were there. The details may be a bit hazy but you get a remembrance of what was... hmmm, I don't know if that's what I want. any way I'm side tracking again..

So while one may have a specific emotional connection, this good be a good connection or an indifferent connection or a painful or happy or a whole range of emotions. This can be triggered by anything that anchors that moment in time... music or tv or a pop culture marketing flashback rehash whatever... I get that there's things that are tied to our past... record stores.. coffee shops.. no cell phones.. no internet... and these things are not so now.

So while P and I may have shared a moment... the emotional importance may not be the same, how do you respond to someone who wants to use that as a litmus test or as that it's for you to know/realize how important it is for you... but how do you not discount their humanity... that it is their experience and not something to be trivialized, however I no longer hold that same sentiment. I feel there were too many fundamental changes in who we were to who we are now... to which it's not really either of our faults per se... granted I fucked up.. but I had rational reasons towards the end for leaving. I did fail you as a human. Perspective... experience... education.. 

Humanity

 So this...

https://old.reddit.com/r/iamatotalpieceofshit/comments/ry7l13/slapping_a_suicidal_guy_twice_on_camera/

Led to this...

https://www.northjersey.com/story/news/paterson-press/2019/04/02/paterson-cop-roger-then-sentencing-hospital-attack/3339786002/

Led to this...

https://patersontimes.com/2021/06/21/judge-rules-mother-of-man-brutally-attacked-by-two-paterson-police-officers-can-pursue-wrongful-death-case/

My anger at humanity never seems to abate... or is it anger at myself?

My initial reaction is this person should be taken out and shot in public... then take anyone associated with him and drop in a volcano. I may have a bit a of an imagination on this but I'm so conflicted emotionally on this.

I remember being an absolute piece of shit in my 20's... ignorant as fuck and wanting to prove something... I honestly don't think most people have any idea of what they are trying to prove namely due to said ignorance.. but that doesn't stop people (looking at myself) from acting like complete dregs of society... due to lack of awareness of humanity, empathy, and a lack of ones own self awareness.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.. nature/nurture, historical details.. etc...

I hate that I get so worked up on this.. I'm a fucking hypocrite to think I'm any better. Damn you Jesus... blah blah without sin.. cast stone.. blah blah..

I feel like there is something my cognitive biases are preventing me from seeing... Seriously tired of this shit. The more I read, the more it seems that efforts to change beyond parameters is not possible.. but that make me all the more to want to try and break my programming... 

how does one break their programming? 

Do the opposite of what you've been told... now this is going to probably get me into a bit of trouble unless I clarify...

1 - Find something benign... something that won't necessarily get you thrown in jail on a felony... misdemeanors..meh. Then again it's up to you.. you do you.

2 - Disrupt the cycle... now this is the one that I think a lot of people see that razor edge/slippery slope type situation... as doing so could result in serious consequences.. think things through.. will laws be broken.. can I or someone else get hurt... avoid hurting others, mom n pop/family owned businesses... attack the capitalist infrastructure... those in power.. the system itself... overload.. break it.. end this dystopian reality that is.

I know there are others before me who have written about revolution.. about humanity.. about the power structures that are in place... the masses are ignorant... fomo.. psychological warfare is being waged upon an unsuspecting populace... all because... (this seems like I've reached a root cause... but it's not that simple).. there are so many things that need to be put into place...

Angry at humanity... angry at those who oppress us... which sad to say is a majority.

There are too many people to make an effective change in today's society short of a cataclysmic event... this would need to 1 - globally change the number of ignorant people to a mass tipping point...

chaos prevents harmony

 is that why we like music so much?

Music is so emotional... for those who let it or can feel moved by it.

Why did that girl from 7th grade pop in my head... the one who I can't remember her name...

finding the harmony in one's life... learning to embrace life.. learning.. why does this still feel contrived and pedestrian... 

Education exploration is needed....

Chaos system...

 My ignorant question is this...

if chaos is a feature of the system... then this could be extrapolated to pretty much anything within that system correct? so this means that when there is a deviation outside of expected norms could one expect exponentially cataclysmic events with a larger deviation?

If I think that's correct we can expect to see problems exacerbate themselves as time progresses.. the 1917-18 Spanish Flu... lasted roughly 18 months. Covid is into year 2... maybe by end of year we may see a sense of normalcy but that's dependent on Russia/China playing good... something bugs me about this... granted most if any news I see is western but I don't really put China and or Russia on a list of benevolent governments wanting the best for it's people. 

 

USA has always been backhanded sort of benevolent to it's own and bare fisted to anyone else.

HOLY FUCK!!!

 So the notion of evolution being chaotic wasn't very far off.. if I'm supposed to believe that chaos is a part of the system and no matter how far you go down it's just a fractal.. 

So that means the whole idea I have about society essentially never getting to a point of self awareness in order to self itself... 

education .. experiences.. being curious? Is that that a component.. holy fuck.. CHAOS.. god damn't.. now I gotta go read up on that shit..

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaos_theory

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reductionism

Chaos & Reductionism

 https://youtu.be/_njf8jwEGRo

 

Mind blowing....

Change

 So I'm sitting here fretting over everything I assume... when it dawned on me how much I feel hopeless and powerless...

Because I realized that i doubt I will ever attain what I want.. this isn't out of some deluded (I hope not on this - but that could be wrong as well). 

What i want.. fuck what do I want... I guess the one on the tip of my tongue at the moment is to be a better person, but i feel that my feelings will get in the way. Which is also what makes me human.. so if I want to be a better human I need to know myself.. my emotional triggers.. my emotional states.. and not just be driven by emotion. Though I think that is the trap... we ARE purely emotional beings... now that sounds a bit absolutist and let me clarify... the significant portion of us are, hence we are an anxious race. If we've determined emotional attributes in animals aside from ourselves why do we ignorant primates think...

But the facts seem clear... and I'll be using general assumptions about my perceived reality to best describe ow I see the world and understand it. Generalities about science, knowledge, history, etc.. I hope to not feel that the pursuit of things in life is futile (at the moment - I know I still have a unfocused drive at the moment - know this is somethings I'm going to divert for a bit and talk about)

So Things have been relative shit for the past few months regarding family and historical events.. see past posts..

But I still have a drive.. a desire to push through this.. I can't really explain it aside from that I now know that it's a temporary event. Not sure what plague the grand kids gave me but god damn by nose is raw from blowing it constantly. I still rode 16 miles on Sunday. Weight lifted Monday and walked... Walked Last Friday night also.. 

I still fight to get my lazy ass into gear and try not to grumble too much about others who are probably just as lost as I was if not more... then again some people don't really want to leave the Matrix. Which that last movie was pretty sucky.. and very preachy..  

I still have a motivation and a drive.. I still have a few more pounds to lose.. and hot damn stayed within acceptable holiday gains... weather being a big reason to decreased activity & mental health issues. Roughly 20 left to go ... will need another new belt.. fuck.

I've made progress and I think I've been too focused on worrying about others... which i think may be some sort of fucked up thing on my part.. need to reschedule with Erin. Done.. 

I get the sad impression that when we want to better ourselves at least for my over emotional ass that I don't have the coping skills in dealing with others.. 9/10 I'm already assessing the situation for potential friendships and I have a very high bar, looking for other sciencey outdoor nerds into philosophy and other proclivities... I'm a bit hyper critical of others and if I feel they don't meet this criteria I put them in the "acquaintance zone". Now the other fucked up parts are sexual attraction, how weird/counter culture you are, how independent you are in thought, interests, hobbies, etc... I feel that I may be sabotaging potential friendships because they don't meet some sort of ideal match... but conversely I also feel that i should have a say in who I form friendships with... that they should be of a certain personality type and though we may have some minor differences in opinion nothing in regards to polar opposites on core ideas. Namely - one people, one planet, well being for all & that science provides the best explanation for the reality we live in irrespective of what a person may feel or believe to be true. Our knowledge changes and grows are we learn more about the reality in which we share. Hence customs and beliefs should change accordingly. However this is a big problem for a majority of the planet. Look at the science, look at history.

So this part of me that feels this thing.. and I'm going to say this thought I've had as of recent.. now I'm not sure if it's because I've got a better understanding of the world or it was some sort of  tid bit of information I came across at some point, but I get these moments where the world seems to click, the focus on the lens increases in sharpness, in field of depth, and in field of view. Now another part of me goes how is that bullshit.. the dopamine-esque revelation of putting "2 and 2 together" so to speak. Further peeling back the onion... it's hard to say.. I read something.. I experience something.. I read some more.. I experience some more.. the world picture gets bigger.

But if I hide in a hole and do nothing waiting.. expecting to get saved I will die in that hole. There are so many examples in the world and so many examples that we as humans fail on. The so called rights we espouse are fucking garbage.

They allow other humans to treat other humans like garbage and trash. Those laws need to go.. the prevalent way of thinking needs to go. Yet I fear short of a cataclysmic event (Covid ain't one) humanity will forever kill one another from pure ignorance. Covid seems to be proving that one, fossil fuels, over consumption of resources, modern day slavery in actual and modified forms.

Part of me feels conflicted on this - I read something I believe it was a quote from A Einstein autobiography or something similar about those who can see outside the box generally don't fit well with those still in the box. or something along those lines... that loneliness is a trait of those who can view the world as it is. Now I'm not AE nor anyone/where close. Though I do have a brain and I want to know what this world has to tell me about myself... because

know thyself... is what I'm working towards. However it seems that for that to happen I'll have to change who I am along the way. Though a lot of the time it seems like that's not the case.. or I'm deluding myself again.. which will send in a tailspin of mental proportions. I already have a hankering suspicion of reality being  program of sorts.. There was an Asimov Foundation presentation that talked about this. (Yes.. my less ignorant ass is telling my loudmouth ignorant ass to go read some more).

Part of me sees that this could very well be a problem... despite it being a big component on my thought processes towards others.