Anxiety, Marijuana, & Me!

First the more philosophy and it's like that I delve further into the rabbit hole, continues to scare & amaze me, (is this my new fix?).

So I was going to write about how while I love/hate weed.... Love that it does what I need it to do and calm the motherfucking anxiety - not too mention slowing down my motherfucking squirrel brain, hate that I need this to even dent the anxiety these days fucking annoys me.

So I'm going to make a really fucking (I Hope) obvious statement about me...

When I was younger I was so unaware about myself and any mention of self reflection would have been met with a gaping mouth stare, that me now has tremendous amounts of shame and guilt for abhorrent behaviour in my past. HOLY SHIT.... yeah.. take to the grave shit in there.

Though I wonder about the times where I "did the right thing", there are some that I question now as to what makes up the definition, do unto others comes to mind.. blah blah blah.. golden rule. Why does that bug me? There's a twinge there, my left eye.. why? I wouldn't want others to do that shit to me.. and maybe me writing this out is what I need to realize still.. and this is something that I had on my mind recently... fuck noo.. noo... and it's gone.. yeah.. negative aspects about being stoned... 

I'm going take a guess...

GUESS!

So there are somethings relationship wise that I had opportunities that I DID NOT take opportunity of... I second guess those now... I'm a bit scared of who I am.. or at least who I think I have become with all new said insight. I feel a sense of superiority and arrogance and I am fully well aware of it. I desperately try not to let it out.. who the fuck am I bullshittin... That's total narcissistic me.

Now we are all narcissists to one degree or another - some, more than others.

Maybe now I don't want to be one sided on this next thing, I do feel though that for a period of time I wasn't appreciated? believed? hmmm... so this is the rabbit hole...

Now I'm thinking on this and my brain is shooting off all these alarms about confirmation bias, and other fallacies I could so easily be prey to and I'm really making all attempts to correct this... but as with EVERY MOTHERFUCKING thing I do... I'm divided in thousands of other areas at once. With sporadic moments of "clarity" after a punctuated equilibrium type moment. I think I've been spending too much time consuming again versus creating or learning. Writing I think is actually helping me more than I would care to admit, again more layers of bullshit that I still need to get through.

Without failure there is no success.

Now I do have some things that I need to sort out..

Honor

Discipline

Traditions more or less... I need to find the pro/con thoughts on these. Again I find myself drinking from the cooler of philosophy, it's a natural blend from Europe & Africa, a 100 yr vintage of Kierkegaard & Camus. I've had somewhat of a break DUE TO SHIT happening (that was for me) since Oct '19, well actually since Jul '19 - last worked. Needing to get back on the education wagon.. ????

So one of the things that happened at the start of this.. some 5 minutes ago.. I was thinking about going back to school, googling options, etc.. and I was thinking what would I want to study further and philosophy popped in my head.. I got weepy about it.. in fact I see the water level rising.. ugh.  Is this the "being emotional" bullshit we've been fighting for all these god damned mother fucking years for... holy shit..

ok ok ok...

So there's a phrase I hear all the time .. I'm sure you may have..

"You are being emotional"

Previously I'm sure this was also called "hysterical" though mostly for women. That's a fascinating bit of history, tragic - has is much of human history, and needed knowledge. Do not confuse a no ethical or moral stance towards science, it needs to be as compassionate and devoid of animal experiments as possible... as possible. HOWEVER... yes there is always a however, we are viewing things through 2020 contemporary SCIENTIFIC STANDARDS... if you think things don't change... um.. you really failed science.

(Again rabbit trail the whole point is that if you are self reflective you should be more conscious of your feelings and things that you may have been oblivious to before become apparent (GOD DAMN IT - now I'm wondering is there is some sort of societal conditioning that may come into play... EVERYTHING IS MULTI FACETED!)).

Though with that, I'd hope we'd advance enough that we could just do an non invasion procedure on whatever and gather all the needed information that way.

I mean.. if we are a hologram, or not.. it should be capable based off physics.

Now that's another thing that popped in my head earlier... this whole consciousness thing... and how some people are self reflective and not every one.

To which I was introduced to a new term today... Philosophical Suicide.. Yes, Camus. Now I have a book or two to get. The Myth of Sisyphus primarily.

Maybe this job at Amgen.. FUCK.. reminds me.. budget. ok... not pretty.. but maybe manageable.. fuck.. 45 would be waaaaay better... but 35 is better than 25.