So... Every now and again.. I get this "is that a bug" on me feeling.. and it's this weird itch that just pops up out of nowhere.
Friday, July 31, 2020
Thursday, July 30, 2020
Skeptically Happy
So why am I looking over my shoulder.... looking for the Universe to yank the rug.
and this is for posterity...
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6 messages
Alex Wed, Jul 29, 2020 at 7:51 PM
To: Enrique Chavira
I'm going to make that the title of a future book I plan to write but will probably forget about within a week.
But enough about that. So I've had this weird tinker/gadget/builder bug since who knows when, and I know the human biology on it now as well. I've been trying to plan the next steps now that I have a job secured and was thinking how it's somewhat of a bummer that the job is temporary when I was thinking about what I have planned as what's going to be something hopefully full time. Making things, sort of cheap rustic picnic furniture with a modern twist and have integrated electronics, phone charger, bluetooth speakers, lights, etc..
I've tinkered and stopped and started for so long I always got discouraged because circumstances usually made continuing new hobbies not feasible. The depression being a big culprit of it all but now that that seems to be "non-existent", which again... skeptical happiness is here at the moment. I see the pieces of a puzzle I have been working on for so long now coming into place.
There's a possibility that I may have another job right after the Census one. Now I'm a little bit excited because even if I don't get it I may have a volunteer option again which would still allow me to do what I want to do.
Remember before I left Ca I was volunteering at a maker shop in Costa Mesa, well looks like they are still looking for volunteers and they have a teacher position open. I see a path before me that I have never seen before and I don't think I could see it now if I hadn't gone through what I've gone.
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The red button on the turkey popped. After all the bitching and moaning too. I really am amazed I'm alive today. I hate the lessons I had to learn, but I see them for what they are.
Love you
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Alex
Henry Chavira Thu, Jul 30, 2020 at 9:13 AM
To: Alex
Hi Mijo,
Skeptical happiness is a lot better than no happiness. Skepticism tends to get you grounded in that you don’t become euphoric but at the same time allows you to appreciate and enjoy what you do have, so don’t berate yourself. Having a goal, even if you don’t get to it in a straight line also helps. For a lot of us that goal is achieved in fits and starts and stops and restarts, but the light at the end of the tunnel keeps us going.
Are you thinking of applying for the teaching position at the shop? If so, that would probably require you to move to OC other wise you probably have a 1 ½ hour drive each way. But, it would get you into something that you have wanted for some time, working with your hands and seeing the results of those efforts.
How long is the census job? According to the Constitution the results of the census are supposed to be in place before the next congress convenes in January, but with this covid thing there is talk of extending the deadline until next year. Although I doubt that the repugs are going to go along with that because they will do anything to decrease the base for the dems. Since the majority of the people missing from the census at this time are the homeless, the illegals (which can’t vote), and POC with little if any education the repugs want to keep them off the list.
I’m happy to hear that you are looking forward to the next chapter of your life (single for the moment) with a positive outlook and a cheery disposition. As I’ve said before, it is amazing what getting out of a toxic relationship will to for you mental well being. Love you
To: Henry Chavira
That's the thing, I'm ok with being single at the moment. I have some world traveling I have to do.
Not saying I want to be single forever, just not now or the foreseeable future.
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The Uygher situation looks like a bad situation globally waiting to happen... Topped with Covid... Skeptical Happiness!!
I'm enjoying things once again.. oh.. proof of the skeptical.
So I'm shoveling mounds of dirt filling in the irrigation trenches. I had to switch from my usual handedness, due to my back. I've had this on my mind since my scooter accident all those years ago, it goes numb from time to time if I stand to long.
Skeptical Happiness!! I laugh, because what's the point of getting mad. Something about pig wrestling or the other.
I realize things are not "ideal", but I have a plan that actually looks like I will be able to do what I want to do versus need, on earning an income. If things go as planned.
Again, something about best laid plans or whatever.
Love
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Henry Chavira Thu, Jul 30, 2020 at 2:27 PM
To: Alex
Mijo,
It sounds as if you have finally made peace with yourself. You seem to have reached the point where you realize that your todays and tomorrows are your responsibility and you are OK with that. Consider yourself lucky, not too many people come to that realization. Too many of them think that their future depends on what other people do for or against them. Your skeptical happiness is a sign of inner peace. Congratulations.
When did your accident occur, I don’t know if M and I had returned from Brazil (Aug, ’95) because several months after the accident we got a call from the junk yard that we had to get your scooter out of hock. Marc took care of that for us. I may have been while I was in Brazil and M had not gotten there yet. If you were not 18 at the time, I don’t understand why your mother did not get you treatment because you were still on my Xerox coverage. I did not find out about it until several months after it happened, when she sent me a letter saying you had been injured.
You mentioned other opportunities, does that go hand in hand with traveling? I hope so. I hope you have the opportunity to see the world like I have, it is awe inspiring.
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Alex Thu, Jul 30, 2020 at 3:01 PM
To: Henry Chavira
I think this was '92 June in Garden Grove before we moved there in '98... irony. I was 18 at the time.
So I've been trying to figure out how I can start my next chapter work wise and it "dawned" on me about the maker shop, if I volunteer I still get access, If I get a job there it's even better. Even with the distance I wouldn't move anytime soon. I'm fine with the commute at the moment, I'm in a very unique situation so I'm trying to maximize/leverage the bonuses out of it. Sure it's far but not paying rent really helps. 72 miles, 150 est round trip and it looks like it's a part time position from what I recall. This is the source of tools and resources I need to get this all moving forward to hopefully something sustaining.
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Reevaluating my education, starting with US History (Enlightenment origins, etc.) and rabbit trailing into science and it's varied disciplines and just looking for confirmation of foundational beliefs that reflect reality and not wishful thinking. Psychology, philosophy, sociology, Evolution, Astrophysics, Physics, World History, humanities (etc/etc/etc) have been foundational in getting my bearings. I've learned to look past the noise, and see how many wondrous things there are in this world viewed through knowing my world in a skeptical manner. To quote Socrates - I know nothing (he was a real shit stirrer back in his day). This has been something to keep me focused and centered mentally, learning how to identify bullshit (logical fallacies) turned the light on so to speak. It was the mental confidence boost I needed and put things in perspective that continues to drive me today. I've stopped looking for instant answers and realize that it takes time and that it's ok to take as long as you need, self pressure while it can be good generally get's compared to the production levels of the world which causes an apples to oranges comparison. I've learned to "read" the language printed and catch the slant of how the news is reported or what is reported on about the government. I don't know is the most acceptable answer... despite being told the opposite as a kid. :D
I have going to Japan as a priority. 2 week trip to Tokyo, with a primary focus on the big outdoor attractions. Misawa is part of the itinerary. Restarting my Japanese re-learning, I'm fairly confident I can have enough done by the time I get there and get by. The only question I have is when to go... I'm aware of the weather and how it varies between the islands. Spring I can see the sakura bloom or Summer for the festivals or Fall for more festivals or Winter for even more festivals. There is no season I wouldn't go to Japan and experience. Even the humid season.
So, until then I muddle forward. Skeptically Happy!
--
Alex
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Alex Thu, Jul 30, 2020 at 3:35 PM
To: Henry Chavira
I guess you could say, while I do not have the gift of gab I can read a person and pick out identifiable traits, habits, deconstruct what they say to have a meaningful conversation, I can identify personality types by the words people use, and topped with working a corporate gig for 20 + years gave me tons of data to work with. Cooking has become sort of a philosophy for me in how to approach things. View it like a recipe, each dish has to be approached and prepared in a specific manner to be considered for its namesake. People, relationships, the dynamics of environment, there's a whole lot of things that make up reality. I want to know as much as I can about everything worth knowing. There's this thing about success and achievement that I heard for a long time and it's always been
the positive mental attitude that helps you overcome things. I never had it, not till now and always was quick with the self loathing doubt (yeah depression). Realizing that I can only control me (maybe?) and also not wanting to be 50/60 years old in a motorized mobility scooter with an oxygen tank asking the cocktail girl at the casino for another free drink while playing the penny slots waiting to die.
I see a lot of life so much more approachable, I have a basic foundational understanding of life and the world around me that comports to reality and that my knowledge will always be lacking and incomplete which drives me to be better and want better for myself and others by continuing to pursue additional educational experiences.
--
Alex
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Cliff Burton bass solo Anesthesia Pulling Teeth (Metallica, live 1983)
Cliff Burton bass solo Anesthesia Pulling Teeth (Metallica, live 1983)
I haven't had an eargasm like this in forever...
Holy crap...
there's so many songs that I've heard this morning that hit all these fucking perfect post punk notes I'm beside my self.. just the greatest fucking eargasm I have had since my Mid late teens... when music was everything to me. It was me, my emotions where the music and my sadness and depression and anger and melancholic self absorbed confusion of being a teen.
All the usual bands, and their influences... the other related genre's.
I've found a station that plays that magical, absolutely magical sound that I love and it's ALL NEW... most of the time, like 90% of the time. Not a knock, I love to hear those "classics" and especially since they are usually not the MSM radio versions. It's the reference point of the new stuff...
This song now has a Manchester feel to it... punchy, strum, sorta Clash..
OOHHH crap what is this bass intro that is ethereal and moody as fuck...
This some good shit. Lamenting vocals... Dead Can Dance feel... early DCD..
It's so evil... repeating.. vocals are a bit muddy.. or he's singing gaelic?
Love this shit!!
KXLU 88.9
So I fucking can't believe how good KXLU is at the moment... I've been listening to this channel since the late 80's, not continually but it was always a when I was in range of LMU I would turn the station to find it. It's always been a consistent source of new, different... I cannot stress this enough... this Thursday morning playlist has been one of the most joyous mornings I have felt in I can't honestly believe it.. long time.
It's fucking littered like a Mad Men picnic of post punk... not all but fuck me jesus there is so much post punk in there.
Once I found they streamed (late 90's?Early 00's?) It once again became a source of that sound that I grew up along with the variety. It's not programmed for maximum royalty value to the shareholders of said monopolistic companies that own the majority of the stations in the country... O&O?? I remember stations actually having cultural relevance and not some manufactured sound once again designed to maximize profits. Demographics...
Seriously.. there's this acousticy banjo, (violin bridge) song with a brush snare... melodic soulful female vocals.. generally not what I usually like... but it's fucking pleasant as hell... and not some crappy throwaway song.. ok.. I really like it.
Damn this is good...
flood gates...
And it's a flowing river...
Ideas... I'm tired and not.. and maybe a little hungry...
Japanese gardens... Is it open??
insight
Don't argue with idiots, call them on their bullshit while explaining that no matter how much evidence they were shown they wouldn't believe because they don't value evidence based facts.
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
Stone Temple Pilots - Trippin' On A Hole In A Paper Heart (Official Musi...
Her favorite STP song is mine.. or at least what was her fav.
KMD
I'm a bit concerned
So I'm a bot... lol.. bit concerned about my current state and here's why....
I have a habit have having the summer turn to shit for me mentally.. and I've been feeling the exact fucking opposite of any of that.. I mean I seriously haven't felt this fucking good in I don't know how long... so I'm still a bit taken off guard with these consistent feelings.
I'm just having a bit of a small panic I think... new job.. and covid and well it's the government.. and well I'm not tickled pink.
I have mother fucking plans damn it...
JAPAN NIGHTPORTER
So the great part about getting older and finding music you like is FUCKING AWESOME!!
Don't hang onto the past... it's just an anchor.
What I love about this song is that it's moody and melancholy and DEFINITELY one I would have "dedicated" to someone via mix tape, eventually to cd's... but now that is no longer the case. I've learned how to "adapt" to my environment, the key word being learned. I went "back to school" in a sense. I find that I like to talk about this a lot and here is why....
It has been the one thing I can feel satisfied in... Jagger talked about not getting satisfaction. Now I guess I'm probably a result of little events that led up to now. I get that because I went "back to school". Seriously if you think your high school education is sufficient your are going to missing out on experiencing the best in life. It's allowed me to see the absurdity of life for what it is and that even the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. I FUCKING LOVE KNOWLEDGE... it's the heroin for the mind.
WOO HOO!!! heheheheheee
I get the tragedy part as well.. because if I didn't I wouldn't be laughing...
which is why I love it..
jazz blues rocksteady bands - WHERE ARE THEY?!?
I had this weird idea that if you had a guitarist who was proficient in those styles with a good classically trained rhythm guitarist that would be good.. then maybe a jazz/prog rock drummer.
Offspring
So while watching the previous video...
The thought of further offspring crossed my mind and the only fucking way that would happen is if I could be there full time.
I would love to have a "Twins" scenario like that to some extent.. the AS rearing.
Then I woke up to reality. How hell's no!
I barely tolerate my current offspring....
/s
8. Recognizing Relatives
Rabbit trailed while watching this and stumbled upon CRAN - "GNU S".
This was based on the question that popped in my head... Is incest a issue within the animal kingdom and the answer is no, but can happen under certain conditions.
engagement
So I've slowly, ever so fucking slowly, killed off the majority of my social media hooks. However... I like that word.. however, I know I need to ditch reddit and/or tailor it to my specific tastes.
I'm also feeling an itch for something.. that I cannot put my finger on at the moment.. however.. excited as well due to the fact that things look as they are improving.
Am concerned about shit overall.. health.. getting things inplace so they can continue to improve.
Seriously wondering if Philippe's or El Tepeyac...
Tuesday, July 28, 2020
Music discoveries and revisiting
So I started a little project today editing an old video from '68. To which I've spent some time researching music form that era, to which I've rabbit trailed on to Motown and more soul and R&B and the like..
Re-finding artists I grew up with somewhat... which I am thoroughly enjoying.
Gaye... Rawls...
Now I'm wondering... this is the weird science geeky thing....
So is it because it's "familiar" and not really new or what?
Slip Away- Clarence Carter
So I'm editing a video I have that my dad shot before I was born. From '67 or '68, I'm currently looking through the Billboard top 100 songs for each year.
Now the first version I heard of this song was from Tex & Horseheads... and is still my favorite. But Clarence is definitely better being the original, I just don't have the emotional baggage attached to it.
It reminds me of my 14-16 years... Newport Harbor Hospital and one MM.
Monday, July 27, 2020
Sunday, July 26, 2020
Rolling Stone
Saw a post about a 90 issue of RS with BS on it.
Reminded how I used to have a RS subscription back in the 80's. In fact it was though stupid ads in the back that I remember the most.
Wow... things have changed... I mean yeah I know duh.. but reflective introspection on the past things in ones life, that you forget and then remember, are the more interesting (the more benign things) events in life.
hhmmm... I was soooo (am still) clueless back then.. well I was 15.
Saturday, July 25, 2020
Grilling
It's annoying when I smell people grilling and lighter fluid is included in the smell... ruins everything.
Japanese food - Japan in general
So oyakodon was for dinner... I can't help but think that Japan was one of the best places my Dad ever visited. Not too mention being introduced to the food by him and while he was stationed in Misawa... the whole epigentics thing.
I made some pretty good food tonight.. not perfect but more in line with what I like.. I have such an emotional response to it at the moment..
Japan is a part of me... and it's somewhere I need to go before I die.
And the half bottle of wine is half gone... ugh wine. Wanted some sake and an orion.
Waaaay too often
I'm having a lot of funny thoughts as well..
watching more comedy... also...
I guess that because I've spent the time to look at the world around me and examined the evidence and continue to look and examine it gives you a profound insight into people one that I never had before. I'm guessing a good portion of that is through my experiences HOWEVER it is put into scientific perspective from what I know about culture and history and science and sociology and human behavior and psychology and the environment and so on.. it's not 1 things or 2 things.. it's everythings.
Is this really the turning point..
I think I've said this previously...like in NC previously.. and GG previously...
I feel like I have made a significant change in my mental attitude about myself and who I am and what I want and how I want to proceed in life. I'm still an introvert but I'm an introvert because I find that most people really aren't worth your time. I know that may rub some people the wrong way, but sadly this is just me maximizing my new found perspectives about life and how I want to live it.
There are a number of things I need to research... especially as it pertains to human behavior and aging.. physiology, psychology, etc.
Is it because I'm one more bad event away from being homeless... I do and don't care. There's a part of me watching the US crumble apart and going it's about time, this country needs an awakening to the 21st Century and it's needs to be brought forth kicking and screaming into reality.
Education needs to be a lynch pin every type of funding an incentive going forward. Education in the heartland about what has happened since 1950. Education in the inner cities on why rules and laws matter & when then are unjust and need to be changed. Education on how to think properly, how to write a coherent sentence.
I think it is here... I continue to have this random thoughts and ideas as of late.. thoughts and ideas of inspiration in one fashion or another... I've a massed a hoard of information and I'm sharpening my skills...this is a slow process.. one that I think has taken me my life to get here (something--something)..
it's the frustration of youth that is screaming in my ear.. the rage and anger of youth that I never knew how to express of convey.. I.. laugh and cry at the absurdity... how small minded we are even as we gain in knowledge...
Oh... Socrates...
I'm feeling happy... despite my panic filled days with no weed... I'm slowly working on things to improve them.. I need to chop chop on the masks job...
Absurd + Absurd = Absurd2
So.. I'm having a weird moment right now..
something feels off.. or any I being paranoid about actually enjoying things once again.
and side tracked with a text from my Dad about sleeping rat.
Friday, July 24, 2020
I can't be the only moron....
So with Covid & Trump, I jokingly want to say that the Dems have a potential New New Deal moment here. Though I doubt the lessons learned (take your pick - insert US History) will ever be applied to this fucking country. I want to move to New Zealand... I'll embrace the Silver Fern!
It's fucking obvious to the educated, seriously life must be viewed as multifaceted beyond your smooth lobedness could probably handle. Why is it always the dumb... And yet it's because of the dumb.. it's the absurd!
Laziness is GENETIC!!
But it's also a good thing!!!!
The absurdity!!!!
before u ask y
Any lowercase titles are on my mobile.
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So I was thinking about how the word "why" and how it becomes the basis for so many questions we as individuals pose in and throughout or lives. This personal assessment to date makes me think it's a part of social conditioning coupled with the non stop ego of me, myself, and I.
Why did this happen... Why do you care? Why is an ego trap in my opinion as it's not objective, outside of suitable evidence.
Why should be the last thing you pose when confronted with something new or different or even counter to what you believe.
What, who, where, when.. these are the questions to ask. Pertaining to you, yourself, and... Don't have a third damn it.
Understand the world around you, understand yourself, and it becomes a tolerable hell.
So chipper.. haha.
Camus has opened soo many doors for me.. and it's philosophy for me. After battling my way through a boot camp not fit, it's so fucking bad there is no analogy for how fucking horrid it is, to end up in a wilderness filled with just as many ignorant morons as my self..
Ugh.. so story idea on this shit... Philosophy needs to be more mainstream...
Ideas...
And I just mentally scolded myself... For being an idea generator but no fucking producer... Baby steps... Starting all other from nada.. chill pill
Thursday, July 23, 2020
Is it common?
To dislike wanting to hang out with young twenty somethings....
hmmmm....
I get it.. I get it..
sooo many factors into play. I just don't need to go through that "look I'm an adult" phase shit..
Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself (Official Music Video)
finding more..
LOL...
So this was Video One - Richard Blade - Channel 9 era... MTV as well...
Other video type shows... Request Video.. Atomic TV... ??? I thinker e are more but that's all the comes to mind.
The Dead Next Door
HOLY SHIT!!!!
So I started a "80's playlist" on YT, and for some reason wanted to hear BI, and this album to which I forgot how much I listened to this tape.. I'm feeling sentimental.. and Mr Rational came up and slapped him. Hhmmmm...
Any who.. I really like this song and had forgotten how much I listened to it.. until I stumbled upon it once again... soooo many songs to go through.. something to do I guess...
Rock attained perfection in 1974
Ahh Homey....
I would say the 70's as a whole... but yeah. Rock... via the blues... via.... that's kinda dark when you think about it.
Lone wolfism
So I'm writing this when I should be on the way to the store for some yogurt for a marinade... guess it's for tomorrow..
When (and I know I'm in an echo chamber).. but If one considers themselves to not be a single celled organism then why would you think that segregation is a positive? Do not the individual cells in your body comprise the make up of your tissue for specific organs which are independent yet interdependent on all in a singular system of your body.
So why do we continue to segregate as a while planet... I get.. I get.. I've read most of my history (at a glance) and have delved into specifics from time to time. I'm aware science as an opinion on this as well and that's the crux of it, that, however.
I want to take a writing class. Just for the experience... I'm so fixated on experiences now... hmm... the smörgåsbord of philosophy and it varies by moment.
I just internally squee'd thinking about philosophy..
wow..
ok now..
hungry need to eat and go to store.
Oh yeah.. I remember my "lone wolf" days... I was (am) an ignorant introvert who's go their bearings a bit but that's about all. Looking for adventure still.. it's out there.
left/liberal speeches or full Poli spec
So I'm watching this video with the late John Lewis and I'm so fucking hypercritical on language these days.
He was asked his opinion on the current state of affairs with the black community and LEO..
Part of his answer was if both sides could be more human...
Now the word of focus is the last one. Define human. If you expect these people to be on the same page we need to have a clear understanding of terms... Aaaahhh
Yeah so an idea popped in my head and to analyze popular speeches mostly hailed by the left and analyze it for ambiguity or areas that are clearly available for interpretation.
So know I'm more than likely never going to do it.. but we'll it's something to ponder at.. maybe a few a speeches
Wednesday, July 22, 2020
Barry Manilow “Copacabana” (At The Copa) (Disco Version)
So it just popped in my head... So this song and the Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack were part of the Bowlingbrook migration to Manhattan Beach.
Not really a BM (giggle) fan.. the musician, though this song is part of my childhood. Donna Summer - Hot Stuff & Bad Girls. Albums & 8 tracks... had the SW Soundtrack on 8 track...
How I show my feelings towards others....
So here we are..
been trying to remember this one for a bit.
So.. I've come to the realization that one of the ways I show I care about someone is the information that I share... as it's a gateway to who I am as a person.
The art..
The music..
The history..
The science..
The comedy..
The philosophy...
the little tidbits about who I am, personalized notes or comments.
It's frustrating at times to think you might be struggling with, not identity issues but finding the right word or example to express your thoughts and feelings.
The one thing I want people to be clear about is this... any information I send to is intended to go "here, this is a bit about who I am and I wanted to share it with you."
You may not agree with it, and honestly my 20-something self would have laughed to know how despite being in a death cult, reasoned himself out. I honestly can't remember when I said that the evidence was not convincing, but I do remember that a YouTube show in Austin helped with the reasoning bit. There are a number of questions one must ask to get to that point, and the road is a bit scary as it is a complete paradigm shift.. ha ha (inside joke - the shift part). So a few of the questions/thoughts are..
If what I believe is "the truth", then it would hold up to scrutiny. The other is probably the most important one there is, Am I willing to change my opinion or belief based on evidence?
Science has come a long way since I was last in school, and honestly I'm happier now then when I was a cult zombie-votee. For me there is a Zen like peace, I'm cool with dying - mostly. Yeah I have things I want to fucking do now.. I mean seriously fucking want to do and I think if I play my cards right - waiting on a new hand at the moment... Cards are still being dealt. I have a game plan.. I'm stoked.. seriously.. I haven't been excited like this in I do not fucking know when...more than anything I have said in the past.. more than the farm crap (still would like to have something...) or the bees or whatever.. I feel a sense of calmness in a lot of areas.. I've made peace with myself to some degree.. I also realize NOW.. I fucking realized NOW (not literally today but forty something was the beginning) how fucked up reality is.. and it's philosophy that as brought me more comfort and peace than any religion with bullshit lies about fairy tales from before the written word, passed down century upon century. And it's a journey... there is no end of the road that we can see.. and the thing is we are all walking blind as we do not know where the road ends.
But yet again... we are but a few to restrain the masses, who are still enchanted by the fireworks and sleight of hand parlor tricks of a last remnant Vaudevillian in late 1920's. Learning... that's my fix.
I have some plans... and plans on plans... and plans on plans on plans on plans...
I'm hoping I get this job.. hoping I can save $$ for a Tokyo trip... That's my first major itinerary.. If I get job, then I start learning Japanese full time..
Anxiety, Marijuana, & Me!
First the more philosophy and it's like that I delve further into the rabbit hole, continues to scare & amaze me, (is this my new fix?).
So I was going to write about how while I love/hate weed.... Love that it does what I need it to do and calm the motherfucking anxiety - not too mention slowing down my motherfucking squirrel brain, hate that I need this to even dent the anxiety these days fucking annoys me.
So I'm going to make a really fucking (I Hope) obvious statement about me...
When I was younger I was so unaware about myself and any mention of self reflection would have been met with a gaping mouth stare, that me now has tremendous amounts of shame and guilt for abhorrent behaviour in my past. HOLY SHIT.... yeah.. take to the grave shit in there.
Though I wonder about the times where I "did the right thing", there are some that I question now as to what makes up the definition, do unto others comes to mind.. blah blah blah.. golden rule. Why does that bug me? There's a twinge there, my left eye.. why? I wouldn't want others to do that shit to me.. and maybe me writing this out is what I need to realize still.. and this is something that I had on my mind recently... fuck noo.. noo... and it's gone.. yeah.. negative aspects about being stoned...
I'm going take a guess...
GUESS!
So there are somethings relationship wise that I had opportunities that I DID NOT take opportunity of... I second guess those now... I'm a bit scared of who I am.. or at least who I think I have become with all new said insight. I feel a sense of superiority and arrogance and I am fully well aware of it. I desperately try not to let it out.. who the fuck am I bullshittin... That's total narcissistic me.
Now we are all narcissists to one degree or another - some, more than others.
Maybe now I don't want to be one sided on this next thing, I do feel though that for a period of time I wasn't appreciated? believed? hmmm... so this is the rabbit hole...
Now I'm thinking on this and my brain is shooting off all these alarms about confirmation bias, and other fallacies I could so easily be prey to and I'm really making all attempts to correct this... but as with EVERY MOTHERFUCKING thing I do... I'm divided in thousands of other areas at once. With sporadic moments of "clarity" after a punctuated equilibrium type moment. I think I've been spending too much time consuming again versus creating or learning. Writing I think is actually helping me more than I would care to admit, again more layers of bullshit that I still need to get through.
Without failure there is no success.
Now I do have some things that I need to sort out..
Honor
Discipline
Traditions more or less... I need to find the pro/con thoughts on these. Again I find myself drinking from the cooler of philosophy, it's a natural blend from Europe & Africa, a 100 yr vintage of Kierkegaard & Camus. I've had somewhat of a break DUE TO SHIT happening (that was for me) since Oct '19, well actually since Jul '19 - last worked. Needing to get back on the education wagon.. ????
So one of the things that happened at the start of this.. some 5 minutes ago.. I was thinking about going back to school, googling options, etc.. and I was thinking what would I want to study further and philosophy popped in my head.. I got weepy about it.. in fact I see the water level rising.. ugh. Is this the "being emotional" bullshit we've been fighting for all these god damned mother fucking years for... holy shit..
ok ok ok...
So there's a phrase I hear all the time .. I'm sure you may have..
"You are being emotional"
Previously I'm sure this was also called "hysterical" though mostly for women. That's a fascinating bit of history, tragic - has is much of human history, and needed knowledge. Do not confuse a no ethical or moral stance towards science, it needs to be as compassionate and devoid of animal experiments as possible... as possible. HOWEVER... yes there is always a however, we are viewing things through 2020 contemporary SCIENTIFIC STANDARDS... if you think things don't change... um.. you really failed science.
(Again rabbit trail the whole point is that if you are self reflective you should be more conscious of your feelings and things that you may have been oblivious to before become apparent (GOD DAMN IT - now I'm wondering is there is some sort of societal conditioning that may come into play... EVERYTHING IS MULTI FACETED!)).
Though with that, I'd hope we'd advance enough that we could just do an non invasion procedure on whatever and gather all the needed information that way.
I mean.. if we are a hologram, or not.. it should be capable based off physics.
Now that's another thing that popped in my head earlier... this whole consciousness thing... and how some people are self reflective and not every one.
To which I was introduced to a new term today... Philosophical Suicide.. Yes, Camus. Now I have a book or two to get. The Myth of Sisyphus primarily.
Maybe this job at Amgen.. FUCK.. reminds me.. budget. ok... not pretty.. but maybe manageable.. fuck.. 45 would be waaaaay better... but 35 is better than 25.
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