I have to admit something, I sorta lied about the title of this blog... not the post.. but the blog itself. Overcame life... HA HA HA HA HAH
oh boy that was funny.
Here I am being my own worst enemy... Knowing full well I AM FUCKING IGNORANT OF THE SITUATION and any speculation is just that.. absolute nonsense.. yet i want to read in to things.
SHE FOLLOWED ME.... how.. how in the fuck of fucks did that happen.. how did she find me IN LESS THAN A DAY.. fuck in less than 4 hours.. shit 2. maybe 30 minutes.. I wasn't testing the scenario!!
The LOVE OF MY LIFE...
the one that has me writing about her NOW. TODAY at 50 fucking years of age.. the one I can't stop thinking about no matter how much I try... and coming to this revelation that I can't be in a relationship with anyone but her.. not in the stalky gonna wear your skin way.
the depressing revelation of how wired I am for her.. how I know nothing about who she is aside from this.. Melissa is driven.. holy shit.. I'm envious.. proud of her... holy shit soo fucking proud especially knowing where she's come from. I'm in love with a M from 30 yrs ago.. 35+ years... she had my heart from the age of 13.. i'm 50.. and it's really fucking hard to enjoy life when the one you hoped and wished for is out of reach.. and I know some may say c'est la vie.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnaM5Fwn5Js
I have conflicts though.. not gonna lie.. Kim nailed all the right words.. but again.. 5 fucking minutes.. chillax turbo.
and again.. my mind is ahead of itself.. because reality is single is the only option at the moment.
Inventing words to put on paper so someone can understand them.. seriously how.. How do i write the words adequately to convey the thought and emotion of me..
So there's something that just entered my mind so to speak..
the struggles of the artist.. what is it.. what are the actual struggles..
My wanting with my being and every fiber to understand existence.. but I see it as an illusion and we are but a program.. there is no free will.. but why do I ache.. my does my heart ache for a time that is so damn far away now. As I listen to Bauhaus... the song of songs.. from my youth none the less.
I'm in this time vortex at the moment.. I feel my youth and my age and my lust and wanting to be a better person.. but it seems like that is an illusion of sorts.. fuck that's the thing with drugs and counter culture... that seems to give me this ability to disassociate from this reality.. (see - dissociatives)
holy shit i think i found the magic Russian roulette in a manner of speaking totally addled brained and what not..
I feel like I have reached this point in my existence as a human to really fucking question what the fuck we are doing as a species..
granted i say this knowing full well my own ignorance.. is that sufficient.. to then also add.. I rely on the information from those before me.
I'm having a fucking trip actually at this stage of my life.. I begrudgingly remain skeptical if this will pan out.. I will not get my fucking hopes up on another "oh hey look bright and shiny"...
i'm still struggling with M..
30+ years... she good filled out.. dude.. what is wrong with me.
She has been my single thought in every relationship... her.. her and her alone..
but that is not a reality.. and I know that my chemistry and my brain being wired for her is fucking juvenile physiology hard coding..
or is it me being a drama queen again...
I've poo poo'd social media for a while now, always on this nonsensical island of personal privacy. Why should I sell my information blah blah blah...
I've written about my love woes for a while now.. and something wicked this way comes...
I broke down got an Instagram account to see what the club scene is like. I had way too much fun last night. And hemmed and hawed at getting anything, so I figure and Insta account.
I just got it today, scrolled for a few minutes then put it down. When I came back to my phone I noticed I had 1 follower...
I WAS LIKE WHAAAATTTT
It's M... I'm shitting myself at the moment. I get ahead of myself and read into things that are not there...
I'm still friends with Mere.. another M... muhahah.. anywho.
I wish I had that photo still.
M is a ship long sailed past and has here own new life and whatnot.. I am not going pirate that.
Kim as much as I would like to see if it's a possibility.. I'm almost self sabotaging reluctant.
someone who I can share my life with.. who i can be open and honest.. one who doesn't let me get complacent with life.. driven.. but not too driven.. we help each other.. communication is a fundamental.. where nothing is taken for granted.. all questions.. all discussions.. what is this reality to you?
Do you have goals still?
How do you view your humanity?
Do you read?
Science...
She said the right words...
we all have a secret combination of words i think when it comes to forming relationships... these sets of words could be flowery loves letters in a poetic manner or some other modern day representation of what piques the interest when you have your guard up.
She said the right words... She used words that piqued my interest, in who this person is. The quality and manner who they are...
But here I am.. one thirsty mofo apparently.
I was not under any impression that last night was going to be something other than a night of dancing and having fun. YET HOLY SHIT.. I they most fun out dancing in a loooooong time. Meeting Kim (?) last night was not expected... first glance she was not my type at all.. Blonde.. but I went in this greeting through small inconsequential banter of getting to know you. Unknowingly entering into a sitcom-esque conversation of blunt truth volleying for 5 minutes. I was a smitten kitten...
but here I am reflecting now in a bit more sober mind than last night.. I have been pretty good at regulating the fun chems... "pretty good" that there is scientifical.
What is it about this journey of self, where you wrestle with the "bad habits" that we feel impair our ability to become better. I started doing drugs early, why.. because my parents were fucking morons. Who the hell let's their kid run around after dark? Knowing that the older kids influences were everywhere.
anywho.. Why do I let innocent encounters get ahead of me? Didn't really flirt with each other aside from"holy shit another good song, i need a break!" but that could also be her going yeah not interested.. dancing is a good excuse.. but also should could be like me.. can't talk.. dancing!
so I'm trying to eat away the time doing something at the moment... I'm trying to occupy my time till I have to get ready.
and I was thinking of maybe if I left earlier I cold grab something to eat over that way in Reseda... and was looking at the reviews of the burekas place and then I rabbit trailed to another burekas place in Sherman Oaks, then for some reason when I was looking at the location thought of Moby Disc. Not really focusing on a specific memory, but that it did have a moment of my time. Then for some reason was sorta butt hurt that I haven't heard back from anyone about the trip details... and for a split second thought of just not going.. seriously just went so what if I'm out of that money.. bfd..
another glimpse at the FUCK YOU ALL side of my demented personality...
What is this...
what the fuck is this...
why do i find tears coming to my eyes from a unexpected source...
I thought it would be a cover song.. something whimsically nostalgic. A song that I would have not vested interest in. Yet I was caught up in a voice.. in a sound.. i was caught in a trap... that resonated with me and shines a light on a personal aspect of mine that I have yet to look at.. one that I have neglected more or less.
I've poo poo'd the dramatic in certain ways.. that reminds me of the days f my youth of dressing up and having fun..
Really Taylor Swift.. really.. I mean it does go to show that I do enjoy women, especially their music.
not brown enough
not white enough
it's a new enough
and the lights too dim to not stumble
no habla
just another half bean
no familiarity with my own flesh
I question the being of others
lo siento
looking for the humanity in us all
I'm stumbling to remember what this stoned epiphany is atm. and being angry at wisdom but knowing it's benefits more so now than ever.
I'm having imaginary conversations in my head with P. How I don't think I'll have enough words for it to make sense to her because she lacks the needed experiences to understand them coupled with further education. A) I feel like a smug bastard for thinking that.. one and this should be enough is that I know I'm no better. I have my own reality that I struggle with even knowing what I presume to know is a bit lowly. As here is something that could fundamentally change how a person sees the world, how they see themselves, there entire being. The problem is Humanity is it's own worst enemy.
Cognitive Dissonance doesn't help... neither does being born into a typical dysfunctional family like so many others. The superficial shit that humanity clings to. The illusions that plague us and trap us and warp our minds to a self oppressive reality. Yet I wonder, still.. are we not in a type of hell. One in which is probably the most evil of all. One the appears to be programmed none the less. A species that evolves into a consciousness capable of critical thought. One that is born fully ignorant of the world and must rely on the "local knowledge" to "make it" at some future point in their life. Subsisting off of traditional foods such as chemicals known to cause cancer in laboratory animals and animal products of every fashion that'll have you asking for more. What's more 'Murican than a quadruple bypass!
.....
Religious wars over ancestral lands from fictitious minds comes fictitious gods.. fighting over a past that won't let go. the cognitive dissonance is deafening, drowning in our modern ignorance watching the shadows on the wall. The energy of the universe is our core, but we prefer be dead seeds for sake of the norm.
The opening of your being to the reality that is what is presented.
why do i fail constantly... do i commit acts against others that I wouldn't want committed against me...
this is one of those things... that as much as I disdain organized religion and anything new agey-spiritual woo type crap... but i'm going interject this.
For me my "spiritual" experiences are limited it's not to say that I don't negate that one can feel their humanity and a "connection to the world, and others and the universe" and the variations of that idea. As I've mentioned recently, 1st's are a big part of experiencing one's humanity and "be one with the universe" in a sense, but I also think that as I view my reality via a lens of science and what I understand - big bang -> evolution ->human behavior has similarities to animal behavior -> psychology of humanity -. understanding the physics enough to know we are energy. I am in awe, but too many times when your in Mirkwood and the webs are just everywhere, it's hard to imagine being beyond the forest when you are trying to survive. You are not the lucky burglar, you have no Sting.
my old man stage... i hate noise...
i was trying to think of the hospital days.. faces i no longer remember... they are just fading smudges across a landscape... first attempts that never happened... firsts unrequited..
firsts in the room with others... i loved that giant pillow...
trying to remember the first time at EAP...
michelle.. she tried to sneak in my room so we could do the sneaky deaky... she got caught and I played dumb.. gomen..
as I was in my last few months there.. maybe last month there... I noticed a redhead..
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Red-Haired_Girl
and anytime I see red... she's the number one thing I think about to this day.
Why her? Why this torture? Why... this is the pain that leads me to the questions I ask of this world.
I hate that asking why questions is not helping.. I get that.. I do.. as they typically are of irrational perspective where one should ask the how. How am I always responding to those key memories, why are they so foundational as to when you focus on the moment.. think back about the events... the first is the most addicting substance on this earth... if you could package that and resell it.. you'd make a fortune... why is my brain wired like this..
we are a slave race designed to give 1st's to those with the means... first experience's are fundamental to our development as a species in our comprehension of this reality. They help create a sorta of unaware mental baseline, one that usually has a whole list of prior experiences (education, cultural reinforcements" et al) that provide enough basics that allows one to make something of a decision. Learning to fly... sink or swim.
What our personal cognitive dissonance allows, coupled with education and experience. Note education is both formal and informal. Compared with what we know as a species.
so I was just railing in my head against the idiocy of myself and of humanity as a whole...
for if we view it as a spectrum, while we are as a species of a type there are variations within, and it's these variations across the spectrum of ideas and knowledge and history and reality, with all that it entails.
The conniving assholes are in charge and they are making money off of you before you are born... and even after you die... you're entire existence is to generate money for someone else.. that is the basis of modern society to work for the benefit of another - aka slavery. Capitalism is slavery. 4 mega corporations are in control of everything. It's sad to see how much we as a society are so afraid of the dark... afraid of change... but I have to look at my own struggles and my own triumphs and see what the evidence says...
Religion is a tool to control the ignorant masses, why else allow it's existence. A type of Enlightenment as discussed in the Enlightenment period and that of one understanding their struggle and the road they have traveled and the history of humanity and of oneself via education, reading books from Antiquity across the globe. Putting forth effort in conquering ones fears. Knowing the ambiguity of it all.. It is known as Sisyphean Enlightenment... because there is no end..
The complexity of life and of humanity in our speech and how that really is an inefficient method of communication. Not too mention the varied tongues and meaning for words and words that can't be translated and the lack of meaning for some words due to use and lack of comprehension that only comes with age?
Are words still meaningful? Why I still struggle as an adult teenager... I don't have patience. I know this, have known this and will probably struggle all my life.. I'm always waiting for the end to come. My whole time spent with other people, it's when is this going to end. Not that I have anything important to attend to, I'm jobless, renting a room, and have nothing going for me. I'm a moron. We'll at least that's how I view myself. Even if I have ideas as to why that is, it's still a struggle to do the bare minimum when I am struggling at existence and the reasons I should continue to suck in air. I'm a drama queen of my own making of my own self. I like to think I have sufficient self awareness skill, but am still amazed when I come to a new conjecture based on new info about my life. I was a latch key kid growing up behind the Orange Curtain in the late 70's.
Everything is a don't expect me to do anything unless I get paid for it... But that would be erroneous to think it's that simple. Life is not simple.. though we as an ignorant species love to think this the case. It is a system, a cycle, a blip on a scanner.. that's one of these frustrating things I feel at the moment.
I've been an anomaly my whole life. A low end avoid pain and change type person... and very much so to this day. Though I have ideas around how and why we as a species are that way... this is not a how do I fix the world book.. That takes times.. and if I want to be honest about how I'm writing this, it's as viewed through my eyes.. my emotional experiences..
a visual diary.. pop culture... i was gonna go mail those cards... I know I'm a moron..
was thinking of how my childhood would easily been ADHD labeled if it was this gen.
How most people barely have a jr high level of education and even if you do have a high school education so fucking what, you're still a dumb fucking moron. The public education system in the US has failed every single one of us. Not providing a fundamental grasp on the foundational tools of critical thinking skills, along with varied methods of education better suited to the future (best practices vs OG German Factory Line worker level education. What good is education if it only serves the educators and not those being educated. Humanities needs to be core in this and it takes a village to raise an idiot... evolution even shows us* groups work better when violence is not present. Though this is where I have a conflict at the moment..
I was just fantasizing about how we are screwed on this planet and I turned it into some sort of space trading exploration sim. Essentially that if the powers that bee had any fucking wherewithal they would have cut carbon emissions back in the 90's. Yet again we are an oligarchy, why else is it corporations and mobs/mafia/yakuza/triad/cartels that run the worst of humanity's vices, we are fodder for the capitalist machine, everything else is just another illusion in the hellscape that is reality.
Any attempt to escape is not possible, we are but mobs. Bits and bots in an ultra realistic world that we experience. One thing... the universe is so big and continues to expand but we can only see so far... other words.. side scrolling... bits and bots..
How do we know that our thoughts are our own, how can we know that they are not algorithmically generated. Knowing what we know about neuroscience, physics, biology, genetics, evolutionary biology.
we are thinking seeds of biological energy - depending on our genetics and environment these play a big part in how we develop, what skills we are introduced to, early experiences, specific cultural experiences, et al.
As the universe is made up of energy and that's what all matter is.. then how? why go through these experiences one generation after the next?
For example, why do we generation after generation do the activities that we do? I guess I've sort of learned to dis associate myself from things these days... (insert ominous armchair psychoanalysis)
After years and years of counter culture information and science based objectiveness and a fucking healthy dose of philosophy and reality.. balance.
To be in balance is the most you might be able to hope for in the hellscape of reality. We are serving jail time for something why else would you have this rinse and repeat of what the fuck are we doing.. these fucking activities.. we are fucking trapped and these are our outlets...
mental energy trapped in skeletal meat drones.
I miss being good high...
*Placeholder for a more refined thought with link.. there is science that supports this. No method works the same for all, another example of chaos and evolution in action. REALITY! But this sounds like the ravings of a mad man!! muhahhahahaa ha ha -N
here we are in my stoned state having an epiphany yet again...
I was having a discussion in my head about how important memories are, and how the 10 - teen years are so fucking big. These are your baby steps into a world of illusion and you've been sold a bill of goods. So many first experiences and the paths "we choose" don't always correlate to the future "you are here now" sign.
1st's hold so much space in our heads...
1sts are the foundation on what the world is like... it's typically how we navigate life via trial & error.. I find myself being hit pretty hard by this as I write it out. I think f all the early firsts in my life.. Music.. Adventure.. delinquency... sex.. regrets.. but c'est la vie. Having an understanding of life.. the balance.. there is a balance.. Capitalism is the poison of humanity.. it's feeds the gluttonous greed of humanity...
that's what makes this reality a dystopia.. so many thoughts around this...
Why do we have the following concepts in storytelling and in documented day to day human experiences.
Concepts such as good/evil, yes/no, on/off - binary states.. why do we as a species gravitate towards this?
Wanting for a better reality... haven/hell,
Karma/Seasonal-Cyclical (Reincarnation) beliefs
I get the flashy flashy boomy boomy... - reflecting on my youth and what drove me.
(((not it.. I segued somewhere... in the ether now... again..- actually i found it see above..)))
1 Binary thought simplicity - Humanity is a creature of habit, and simplistic drives that most are unaware that drives every living organism on this planet - physiological processes. While we also pick up on patterns and are capable of "advanced thought", we typically keep these neurological functions to decision making to a minimum. -- links
2 We've been brainwashed since birth - You only know what you know today and can read about what happened yesterday, but the future is just a repeat of today We as a species only accept what we can understand, so how would you know if something is true or not?
(we don't teach kids how to think and that is why we struggle as a species - we place so much emphasis on backwards customs and traditions that haphazardly get passed on from one dysfunctional ignorant family to the next. Having full knowledge is key, knowing how to have the skills to critical analyze the writing style and characteristics of quality sound logic vs rantings of hear say and disinformation.
Having a clear understanding ( why am I so full of doubt... )
How do we know what we know...
(((((Lots of of all over the place in this one....))))
So I'm more or less giving Berlin to P... it's her and honestly even though it precluded her by at least 4 years I honestly can't really associate it anymore to anyone before her...
Except for Debbie... Teen Love.. in Newport Hospital. 85? Metro... i wrote her name with hearts.. it was serious...
I blame the Pink article... about PB coming out to play that song.. Heartbreaker - Benetar
So damn nostalgic these days... Why am I fixated on P?
drugs.. mind altering chemicals that help get one through the day.
Those who can make it through this world perfectly motivated to go about it sober, hat's off!
I've tried sobriety, and sorry.. I'm a miserable fuck when I am. Sober and getting my brain to calm down was impossible, I will say that if I don't stay focused on a single task when I'm high I will still wander, but when I'm high I'm more likely to produce more content. Consistantly-ish... most of the time. But that's not including the usual cycle of productivity. Which has me doing this self flagellation bullshit.. plus it just made me realize that I need a therapist....
side note about words...
I was having an imaginary scenario play out in my head about some sort of official setting in where I go on in sort of a similar fashion as I am writing this but verbally to a group or person, on the concept of how language is really a poor means of communication. Though language it meant to convey how one person is experiencing reality to another in a set of standards and rules, it still lacks one of the key things just as much as the verbal aspect and that is the emotional aspect.
Like most things in life surrounding the human experience, understanding and comprehension are key elements to our reality and are foundational to the structure of most modern human spoken languages. Linguistics is foundational in this as are scores other language related education opportunities. It is a fundamental fixture to the reality we all share. A truth and a fact.
Yet there is more to this than words, or letters, or grammar, or the evolution of these. Context matters, the historical and modern meanings of words serve purpose in their comprehension and understanding so that one may become more than proficient, they could educate others because of their knowledge.
Comprehension, how do you not only know how the word is spelled and to use in a sentence. There is a personal connection to this word. This word has been used so many times where you have questioned it's meaning through a myriad of personal experiences. This level of understanding is around a particular word, for example let's use the word love. Actually any word that is typically charged socially or historically or any combo, though typically mentioned via the public as being over used and having no meaning. The opposite of the word works as well, example truth and lie, the age old arguments of always tell the truth and never tell a lie - except sometimes. See how there seems to be exceptions sometime this situation warrants I use words in this manner versus one that could cause trouble for yourself or others.
Love in English this word has multiple uses, but immediately your mind has gone through a number of situations where you have experienced this word and how that word can hold different levels of emotional connection depending on the context. Love for your favorite comfort food versus that first crush you had growing up, while both hold intense emotional connections I'm sure one holds a stronger emotional connection, this is where we hopefully have this distinction we've developed an emotional connections to the events in our lives and through the education of the meaning, grammar, usage, etc. of the word, we need to live it and experience it's meaning through others as well. Events, situations..
my 47 year (45 more likely) infatuation...
i still remember her smell.. that touch.. her being.. damn she is a drug I have never been able to kick...
and this... state that I am swimming in of chaos and nostalgia of this non reality... that burns..
I was stalking M again... Psych Furs came on the radio... they'll always be her band, she made me a mix tape many moons ago, now lost to time from who knows when.
I adopted her way of handwriting the letter A from a letter she wrote me from when I was a teen...
fuck my heart aches for a time long gone... and my inability to get over her... but I feel it's more of a moment that I'm trapped... anchored to.
don't let the past be an anchor...
but why does life seem that's all it is.. how many stories have I read about the lament of the old for the wasting... bad choices of youth.. the shoulda woulda coulda's...
too too too too too too too many regrets... but that's what makes for character development..
the emptiness of life.. the wasted opportunities.. ignorance and hormones.. these tears do not satiate my anguish...
i get myself worked up on my own moronic shit...
this.. I KNOW HOW TO DO IT... and I'm wrong or I miss something.. etc.. I make other peoples day farkakte...
confirmation bias
just putting that up there as a reminder.
Have been stumbling across a great many things regarding autism and adhd as of late that shine a light on myself and my own tribulations.
The problem is self diagnosis. Well.. somewhat, I'm sitting here thinking of the following..
How can you fix a problem, unless you identify the problem?
Though a part of me goes, is it a bug or a feature?
What's with this passive revelation shit also, where I'm not looking for information or revelation during my routine of "rinse and repeat" slackadasical behavior. Trying not to stay in the bog of depressing self deprecating swampville of self loathing. Yet I'm constantly here and I get annoyed with myself that I'm unable to get out of this predicament.
Therapy or talking to someone seems fine and dandy, but I also feel like I'm a bit over that, well let me explain a bit more.. I'm over it in the sense that I have this inferiority/superiority complex attitude about it.
On the one hand I recognize fundamentally the need for it, but also I think I've reached this point that I just find find someone who can help me. Not saying that all the therapists in the past didn't help, it's just I don't see myself at this point in my life where I "assume" a level of understanding about myself and behaviors that other can be of benefit and yet I'm reminded of the two words above.
See? I know I'm an idiot, but yet I have this propensity towards others who I perceive to be less aware to be less than, I can't involve my time with them. I don't want answers from those who aren't capable of seeing the big picture - sorry if this sounds stuck up...
Synonyms of stuck-up (adj. snobbish)
arrogant.
big-headed.
cocky.
conceited.
condescending.
egotistic.
haughty.
high-and-mighty.
Like I said.. I'm aware. I'm not that intelligent nor am I anything special... aside from short bus special.
I've encountered some really pieces of shit humans in my lifetime, some I remember some I've forgotten. I know the how's and why's as to this spectrum of humanity is. Evolution.
The oppression that humans perpetuate upon themselves. Humanity is a cancer to this planet and nothing short of mass extinction will it end. Yet this is the reality we find ourselves in. the unrelenting cycles, seasons, day in day out repetition of small changes over time... the spectrum of life.
but that's my adhd brain going off on a tangent.
