This is gonna be a shit load to unpack

 whoa...

 

so.. the idea that someone what afraid of me.. she had been saying she was afraid of me for years.. so how is that my fault when she never addressed it.. but faked it till ya make it...

 

see this is the shit that makes me want to withdraw.. 

 

but I have to think..who the fuck am I kidding.. I'll sooner win the fucking lottery.. I don't know the odds.. but I'm guesstimating from what knowledge I can attribute or recollect. My guesstimate is that I am correct... just based on the presumption that a lot of fucking people are just as, if not, worse/better and finding that "just right" settle for combo is gonna be like being ht by lightning and an airplane and a meteor all while aliens visit to announce an end to the suffering that is life, just not for you.

So why do I bother... because loneliness is a motherfucker of all motherfuckers... that's my drive to be a better person. I don't have a noble goal.. sorry.. noble goals are for fairy tales and the resistance against the bourgeois.

One of the most retarded things that I thought of... thinking it was noble to marry a woman you got pregnant... lol. What a fucking joke.

Noble is not inherent in human nature, sure people may on occasion but over all as a species we are a profound bunch of cowards that are easily manipulated and or cajoled into doing what a few in power tell the masses to do. I'd like to spout some farcical story about divinely inspired blessings or a sort to whip a froth of sentimental meaningless bullshit but sorry not gonna remain an ignorant fuck wit on this planet. There are BILLIONS of years of history to examine, thousands of man's recorded and you want me to believe fairy-tale bullshit.. not ever again. 

Philosophy saved me.. with the tools of critical thinking, based in reality and rooted in foundation that is immutable. Unlike mental hallucinations from goat-fucking shepherds in the bronze age that are worth dying over.

Sad for Pam.. I feel conflicted on where to place her on my list of people to give a shit about... I know bitterness is not something worth holding on to..  I hope to re-visit this soon and see where the story is...