distractions

 so i'm trying to get out of the funk.. watching OP.. Wano arc - Ryuo training episode against Big Mom.

I'm in tears... why am I in tears over an anime...

the story...

the story takes me away but I'm always reminded I never left...

Being back in OC didn't help the other day... going back.. didn't help.

Today the thoughts that have come by...

suicide again...

extreme action type thoughts.. 

songs that I heard over the past month are flooding..

The past and the present all feel jumbled at the moment..

and I keep hearing the crows outside.. not the caw caw.. but this gurgle sorta of clicking they do... then the sort of trill errbbb errbbb.. 

 

Barb is a bit much for me at the moment...her chaotic adhd is a bit too much at this point... hmm.. no on a Portland. 

I physically feel unwell, mentally I am spent... I need to recoup.

The way i view life is not like others apparently...

There is a lot to agree on, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to cede to things I have resigned on, turned away, found a better method, or learned new evidence.

Barb seems to be focused on her idea of what she sees as a future and a truth for her, while we may share similar ideas and concepts, the devil really is in the details.

I may end up staying down here... I don't know, we'll see.

Just feeling very sad today, I wonder if it's because I can empathize with others more than before. 

Today sucks.. because it's the first time in a while where I actually felt like I never wanted to wake up again. This is the part of CBT that sucks... when your own neurochemistry fucks you up.