Magic Mountain and the horrible trial

 So many many years ago, when I'm guessing I was about 13 I had a very interesting experience. I'm guessing this was in 1986 around summertime. I was inpatient at Crossroads in Van Nuys and part of the program for those that followed the rules was that they could go on outings. One such outing was a trip to Magic Mountain in Valencia. 

Now there was a certain person that I would have called a girlfriend (Valisa) and she was someone I had met early in my stay at Crossroads. Sadly she was discharged early while I was there, but she lived in the valley and had (false?) reassurances... (I think back and shake my head).

So she ended up getting a job at MM and boy was I excited to see her when we ended up there.

The thing was is that the rest of the group I was with from the hospital ended up with a bunch of souvenirs that they got at redicuolus cheap prices thanks to her. I however didn't get one... She gave me a reason that I no longer remember. Now to the trial....

So something happened where all this information came out to the staff and a public inquiry was held for those who went.

Fuck that sucked... Everyone knew I was close to her and everyone assumed I had a "discount" also, but I didn't. I felt betrayed by people... Because the truth didn't matter. It absolutely did not matter and I was punished with the rest.

I was thinking about that today I was in the Chatsworth courthouse filing for divorce. As I got irritated with the clerk who directed me towards yet another form and then say once I completed the form to indicate I would need another appointment. I got pissy with her, because of the bullshit rigid inflexibility that is rampant within society. She helped me afterwards, but I wish I hadn't.

( I'm conflicted on this... If I didn't get my jimmies rustled and go all Karen on her (can I speak with the manager) I would have had to come back tomorrow.)

I do find myself becoming more(?) overwhelmed these days with my emotions... I get the misery we are in.. we as humanity. I struggle with doing better and keeping my convictions... 

If I hate people it's because I hate myself.. why is it that things I think I'm over with keep popping up?

I'm looking for black in white in my life knowing full well that it's not gonna happen... The biology of human behavior sucks balls and doesn't... Life is a two fucking edged sword... It's neither good nor bad but is what it is.. do we as humanity accept this or strive to move beyond... I want the latter... But fuck is it a bitch..