interesting... I still have ad/hd symptoms that seem to be a bit pronounced.
then again that just could be the acid stupid..
yes.. but none the less each trip is different..
I'm a bit more hungry this one... glad I had oatmeal beforehand.
cheesy tortilla egg burrito.. and a banana... now still wanting more.. but gonna settle for chips like I originally was gonna do..
time for some rice...
This is the language of the universe..
and is that the trap??
Is abstract reasoning the trap?
I need to learn it..(math) that's what drives people...(exploration to know/curiosity)....
So this is a bit difficult at the moment... but I should document something..
This is the whole point.. it's to reset.. to get your focus back.. you said that there's would be distractions.. and there was.. and it's very fucking enticing at the moment.. but we have work to do still..
I did enjoy that time in the shower with the self exploration that was nice.. definitely non-binary.
It's interesting to take a step back approach when you look at it from a fundamental perspective... to take oneself out at the moment.. like now.. to look at the underlying fundamental quantum processes required for all these interactions to happen....
EVEN A PLEBE of my nature understands the gravity! (intended)... if you look at everything in a binary quark/gluon/etc... nature. The photons that inhibit this space for -- terms I use as if they are even understandable.
So a sort of psychological pschonaut adventure....
and this is where I lack in the language that could help... Advanced math.
So I'm sure I've said this before, but I get to a certain stoned level and my eyes have to do without the glasses at about arms length.. and just dropped another hit of that windowpane gel tab. Brown?
I wonder if that is supposed to be a joke?
https://www.thegreatcoursesplus.com/the-great-ideas-of-philosophy-2nd-edition
I was introduced to this idea in philosophy about there being 3 fundamental questions, when you boil everything down.
So I was wondering how tied to our psyche/ego these questions are to us individually?
What types of scenarios would trigger anxiety if any?
So brain is on overdrive today.. already running off the rails as I went to drop off the kids.
Trying to refocus and I'm fucking exhausted... Tech is not my friend.
I feel the anxiety coursing in my shoulders, and my attempts to prevent it are not going well. Sleep.. what else do I have. Other things are not helping...
Depression is waiting by the side... It's all simmering at the moment. My wanting to put up blocks or shore up the dam are not working... not avoidance (??) but coping.. way of tidying it up to process..
Sleep fucker..
Having a mental moment of questions kids should ask their teacher. Also a chuckle.. speaking of which..
I was a bout to make an abomination of mac n cheese (most likely from a box before the color change) with the left over grilled chicken but then thought of the salad mix.. and the pico.. and the guac and the guac sauce..
soo tasty.. just needed mas sal...
Things seem, a bit better at the moment..
Still not bueno.. trying to rectify that.. therapy.. I've called around.. but this is gonna be a process...
The stress as become a bit better... especially the anxiety...
Feeling like it's not worth it.. and I hate being here.. CBT isn't working... and I hate having to resort to "resetting my brain".... via chemical means....
Been a few days no weed.. so there's that..
So.. it's been awhile...
Few years back.. solar eclipse.. Durham.... This one is way more intense.. which is good.. I guess.. no moody bullshit for tonight though.. Akira is good, but needsa proper anime..
Today went to shit...
Fuck I'm depressed. Suicidal thoughts depressed...
I hate that nothing I do seems to fucked ng change let all be matter... Again my current perspective about the situation is not good.
I hate this mental reflexive reaction to burn it all to the ground.. to end.. to quit.. to give up... I'm tired.. so fucking tired of wanting things... Things to be better...
Do I hate myself.. I think I am at that point. But right now I'm also so fucking over it and tired of it that I don't care.. I don't fucking care at this point.
I hate not being in control.. why the fuck is it always powerlessness.. why does it seem that when I try it never fucking matters...
Control... Powerlessness... They are intertwined... Why do I care.. or why do I pretend to care.. I don't want to do shit today..
whoa...
so.. the idea that someone what afraid of me.. she had been saying she was afraid of me for years.. so how is that my fault when she never addressed it.. but faked it till ya make it...
see this is the shit that makes me want to withdraw..
but I have to think..who the fuck am I kidding.. I'll sooner win the fucking lottery.. I don't know the odds.. but I'm guesstimating from what knowledge I can attribute or recollect. My guesstimate is that I am correct... just based on the presumption that a lot of fucking people are just as, if not, worse/better and finding that "just right" settle for combo is gonna be like being ht by lightning and an airplane and a meteor all while aliens visit to announce an end to the suffering that is life, just not for you.
So why do I bother... because loneliness is a motherfucker of all motherfuckers... that's my drive to be a better person. I don't have a noble goal.. sorry.. noble goals are for fairy tales and the resistance against the bourgeois.
One of the most retarded things that I thought of... thinking it was noble to marry a woman you got pregnant... lol. What a fucking joke.
Noble is not inherent in human nature, sure people may on occasion but over all as a species we are a profound bunch of cowards that are easily manipulated and or cajoled into doing what a few in power tell the masses to do. I'd like to spout some farcical story about divinely inspired blessings or a sort to whip a froth of sentimental meaningless bullshit but sorry not gonna remain an ignorant fuck wit on this planet. There are BILLIONS of years of history to examine, thousands of man's recorded and you want me to believe fairy-tale bullshit.. not ever again.
Philosophy saved me.. with the tools of critical thinking, based in reality and rooted in foundation that is immutable. Unlike mental hallucinations from goat-fucking shepherds in the bronze age that are worth dying over.
Sad for Pam.. I feel conflicted on where to place her on my list of people to give a shit about... I know bitterness is not something worth holding on to.. I hope to re-visit this soon and see where the story is...
So I had a tolerance break of ohhhh say maybe two days... and of all days did i need it.
I am ticked at Pam.. that's some straight up bullshit and glad to see the unibrow squad is there in support.
Like I posted before I'd like to feel something from contempt.. I guess pissed is something else, seriously what a cunt.
She was the one who had 2 different... ugh..
Yeah.. fuck her.. I do feel hurt. I can't believe... yeah.. I can't because the bitch never said shit..still doesn't say shit.
Ya, fuck you.
Filed today and apparently you were fucking held hostage for 25 years.
I want to feel sorry for you or something aside from contempt at the moment. The fact that you are playing this victim bullshit says it all, I'd like to say you are your mother but even that convoluted bat shit woman would say what is on her mind.
Sorry you lacked the opportunity I did in expanding your education, but then again I really should stop making excuses for you. You've had more than enough time over the past 10 (actually 28) years to fix shit but you didn't. You saw that I obviously was but I'm also aware of my tainted presence as well.
To think you said something about me not being able to accept your love. Obviously I saw it wasn't genuine as why would anyone want less?
You seemed ok with that, I didn't.
So many many years ago, when I'm guessing I was about 13 I had a very interesting experience. I'm guessing this was in 1986 around summertime. I was inpatient at Crossroads in Van Nuys and part of the program for those that followed the rules was that they could go on outings. One such outing was a trip to Magic Mountain in Valencia.
Now there was a certain person that I would have called a girlfriend (Valisa) and she was someone I had met early in my stay at Crossroads. Sadly she was discharged early while I was there, but she lived in the valley and had (false?) reassurances... (I think back and shake my head).
So she ended up getting a job at MM and boy was I excited to see her when we ended up there.
The thing was is that the rest of the group I was with from the hospital ended up with a bunch of souvenirs that they got at redicuolus cheap prices thanks to her. I however didn't get one... She gave me a reason that I no longer remember. Now to the trial....
So something happened where all this information came out to the staff and a public inquiry was held for those who went.
Fuck that sucked... Everyone knew I was close to her and everyone assumed I had a "discount" also, but I didn't. I felt betrayed by people... Because the truth didn't matter. It absolutely did not matter and I was punished with the rest.
I was thinking about that today I was in the Chatsworth courthouse filing for divorce. As I got irritated with the clerk who directed me towards yet another form and then say once I completed the form to indicate I would need another appointment. I got pissy with her, because of the bullshit rigid inflexibility that is rampant within society. She helped me afterwards, but I wish I hadn't.
( I'm conflicted on this... If I didn't get my jimmies rustled and go all Karen on her (can I speak with the manager) I would have had to come back tomorrow.)
I do find myself becoming more(?) overwhelmed these days with my emotions... I get the misery we are in.. we as humanity. I struggle with doing better and keeping my convictions...
If I hate people it's because I hate myself.. why is it that things I think I'm over with keep popping up?
I'm looking for black in white in my life knowing full well that it's not gonna happen... The biology of human behavior sucks balls and doesn't... Life is a two fucking edged sword... It's neither good nor bad but is what it is.. do we as humanity accept this or strive to move beyond... I want the latter... But fuck is it a bitch..
So today woke up early... stress is getting to me... hi stress herpes...
I'm not able to focus on today.. this is a problem.. my head is everywhere else but here and when I try it's only for a bit.. so now it's back to the exercise routine pre back injury... which actually seems to have improved tremendously so there is that..
I need to make this quick.. middle of a routine but an idea popped in my head.. hence title...
I know I'm on the verge of tears again.. even in this situation of increased heart rate, sweating, etc... due to exercise.
I tried to meditate earlier but that was not working...
I don't want to fake things... I want to be me.. and I'm finding that while I think I know me.. maybe I don't.. i mean I do.. I'm just wondering what i can change.. and to what degree.. and can it be for the better..
I continue to read psych articles and papers when I can... I'm wondering if I need to institute a better schedule.. is that who I am.. (I've frequently said in the past I work better under a schedule or a planned day scenario)... Freeform is something I can do in a scheduled manner... as I can't have a chaotic schedule..hmmm.. is Instacart for me?
I do want to cry at the moment.. but from elation and not sadness or depression.. soo why am I feeling stressed?
I feel this stress in my shoulders even after PT today.. I do feel powerless a bit much lately and Im getting the impression that I need to address this.
So.... I've lost a ton of weight and now I think it's time to splurge a bit.
Here I thought I did in Oregon.... Hmmm
What do I want????
Freedom
What the fuck is this bullshit!?
Don't get me wrong, people should be free but not free in the sense that they have this power that prevents the whole and the individual from prospering.
Yet here we are.
Still wrangling with the depression this week after Portland. Nothing has changed since I left, but I'm so emotionally spent it's fucking work to do shit this week. Though while I have done a number of things...
The bitterness is not helping, my brain feels like it was on spin dry for too long. The fucked up expectations and preconceptions about "what I should" be doing are messing with me.
Im going to have to ???????
What.. not like I know if chillin is going to actually reset my thoughts back to being more positive.
My body is screaming... The stress.. the depression... My nerve endings feel fried.
Which also makes me think I REALLY should probably quit weed.
One I hate being dependent on shit as a means to cope.. however I also recognize that I need coping mechanisms.
Two I have to smoke too much to get an effect.
Three consumed a shit ton in PDX...
The helter skelter day to day in PDX fucked me up more than I thought it would.
This anxiety, and FUD is no bueno.
I have found my asshole driver behavior to be prevelent as of late... And I'm gonna throw this phone one of these days soon...
It's slower than shit and barely handles one fucking app running.
So I'm catching myself having one-sided conversations about my positions and arguing for them as if there is some audience that I have to convince.
so i'm trying to get out of the funk.. watching OP.. Wano arc - Ryuo training episode against Big Mom.
I'm in tears... why am I in tears over an anime...
the story...
the story takes me away but I'm always reminded I never left...
Being back in OC didn't help the other day... going back.. didn't help.
Today the thoughts that have come by...
suicide again...
extreme action type thoughts..
songs that I heard over the past month are flooding..
The past and the present all feel jumbled at the moment..
and I keep hearing the crows outside.. not the caw caw.. but this gurgle sorta of clicking they do... then the sort of trill errbbb errbbb..
Barb is a bit much for me at the moment...her chaotic adhd is a bit too much at this point... hmm.. no on a Portland.
I physically feel unwell, mentally I am spent... I need to recoup.
The way i view life is not like others apparently...
There is a lot to agree on, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to cede to things I have resigned on, turned away, found a better method, or learned new evidence.
Barb seems to be focused on her idea of what she sees as a future and a truth for her, while we may share similar ideas and concepts, the devil really is in the details.
I may end up staying down here... I don't know, we'll see.
Just feeling very sad today, I wonder if it's because I can empathize with others more than before.
Today sucks.. because it's the first time in a while where I actually felt like I never wanted to wake up again. This is the part of CBT that sucks... when your own neurochemistry fucks you up.
so today is another shite day...
didn't want it to be but the neuro-chemical overlords have dictated otherwise. My brain is throwing so much shit at me right now I can't....
Fuck that phrase... ugh.
Woke up out of sorts and then the brain went oh good you're awake, here's what you've been missing since you were out..
Going to crawl back into to bed here in a while...
Another thing about today..
Tried to three item stress eat my way on TB today... Only got through two items..
This is unheard of!!
What is up.. why the onset of depression now..
Seriously nothing has changed... Why the melancholy? Why the thoughts of suicide?
So I make some hummingbird food while I write..
Off day
Suicide on the mind... No bueno
Really off today
Cranky.. agitated... Anxious as fuck...
Sleeping... All done for the day.
Other people's plans...
I need to reevaluate.. sleep.. need sleep.
Feeling very manic in my head..
So.. now what.. apparently I didn't post this before my nap..
Feeling out of sorts... Like I went on a whirlwind tour of misery and adventure... Now I'm sitting in confusion because I don't know..
I seriously cannot pick apart my feelings at the moment... I'm irritated.. but don't know why.. work.. not working.. motivated but tired all the time.. covid.. my kids.. thier kids...
Feelings of loneliness... The big stuff seems to be prevelent lately.. trying not to freak out about the future.. trying to be present in the moment..
So many negative emotions filling me in at the moment... Failure.. comparing myself to others is garbage.. but here I am.. this fucked in the head bullshit about material possessions.. stuff that I can rationalize normally is not becoming rationalized...
I'm feeling destructive and caught myself trying to "nuke" things... I'm upset that planned things didn't happen.
I hate technology... Only because it's just becomes more garbage as it develops.. technology is killing humanity..
Not a unabomber.. but still did see the correlation more so now with the internet and it's connectivity with everything. Knowledge is great... But just like crack.. moderation..
Sorry had to.
Knowledge is nowhere like crack, however there are differences in the quality of knowledge.
Eddie died today.
I actually am sad about now that I think about it. Huge part of my terror lad days. Metal was the fuel and then punk. Holy shit... That's a fucking cocktail for disaster there. My criminal past.. I was a fucking knob, a bell end right cunt.
Eddie Van Halen.. going to Dennis's house, who's mom was the dental assistant to Dr Bonner when I lived in HB. Hang out in
back yard, riding bmx bikes on his dirt track, clandestinely smoking in the cardboard subterranean fort we made as well. I barely remember those days.. they really are fading memories. I think that's what makes it sad for me.
The death of my life is slowly unraveling with each passing cultural icon relevant to my childhood.
Spending time in that cemetery is seriously depressing. You see tragedy and sorrow amongst the dead, history is what piques my curiosity. More so the question of what is the story of those who are buried here?
The sad story of the Brandt family...
So chilling thinking how me and b are sorta like a backwoods suburban Kirk and Spock meets Cheech and Chong.
Im not sure what to write about...
Woke up, got ready, and no batches.. oh well. Manage expectations beotch.
I really hate this anxiety at the moment.. just general overall low grade bullshit.
I'm apparently still stewing over that cracker incident from the other day... This fucking rage from that moment.. I have an extreme reactive feeling towards it.. no bueno.. but I still want to pursue.. ugh
