square one

 I'm sitting here. Yet again and it seems that I've come full circle in this pursuit of trying to ascertain specific answers and yet not finding solace in those answers.

what is my purpose?

 

Am I to determine that on my own accord? As I've come to this point once again, wondering in my melodramatic situation, my own mental failings of myself in what seems like another desperate breakdown to make sense of it all. Of my broken self, of my broken situation, of my broken society, of my broken country, of a broken humanity. Of a broken world.

I run. I hide, from so many things on a daily basis telling myself I need to attend to that but not today I need a break or I need a crutch of one sort of another. I am weak mentally, physically, and most importantly of my own character. Why do I think this so? Why do I draw such harsh criticisms of myself?

I only know my failings and that list is long and historical. I don't want to make any more excuses for shitty behavior, but as soon as I think I have this moment of clarity, this moment of corrective action, this moment of a new start or a redoubling of efforts towards I cringe at the results. The initial reactions or even the ones spent in a moment of thought, of consideration, I find myself choking on this foot of mine.

Yet all of this is the reality we share. All this knowledge and it still seems unknowable, unfathomable, incomprehensible and inconceivable. The reality presented by history, by science, and I still feel so ignorant and helpless. We have tools at our disposal, tools of math and science to give us an understanding of the here and now. Yesterday & Tomorrow, this is where I find my thoughts. This is where I find my feelings. Fuck you Yoda. Though I get that it's a bit of Lao Tsu there. Be present... be like water... find balance. Focus on the now, the today, the self. 

I'm caught up in the garbage of humanity... being that I also am a part of that. Politics, propaganda, oligarchical hegemony of capitalist nations maintaining the lock step of keeping the status quo. Fighting tooth and nail against entropy and of reality. Nothing lasts forever, especially empires.

Why have I always felt this weird egotistical notion of wanting to "do something" (I know this is a typical and familiar feeling for a good portion of humanity).

Why can't I stop asking why? My ignorance... my guess.