Not divulging intimate details but keeping them to oneself. So why do I want to divulge my thoughts to her?
Not as if that would change anything. Not that I would want it to change. Why does the past have such a hold on me, why do I allow it? Why have I for 35+ years held her in such high regard... Why?
This one person. Who I have sabotaged previous relationships due to my inability to get over her. Seeking what? What is it.... I don't think that is the right question ... As I can come up with fantastical notions of never gonna happen in a bajillion years... A- she's married and I do not want that disrupted by me. B - last I checked she was more hard R than I'd ever want to get involved with someone. Fuck I make it a point to not get involved w others who are R.
But I can name off a ton of shit as to why I am attracted to her as a person... I know sort a where she came from.. we were in the hospital together. That's where we met... Where things started.
She's busted her ass to get where she is? That alone has the allure.. I'm vaguely aware of her accomplishments... To some degree.. a mother.. survivor... She flourished.
Then when I look at my pathetic self who continues to cry over her.
The prison of self
The prison of others
The reality of never truly being w another.
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