i

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

Which is why I have to change myself

I alone can only make that choice

I alone can only make that effort

I alone must look to others for help

I alone can only build from what others have provided

the moment

How much education is sufficient to be sufficiently educated?

Trying to focus on the now...

My walk to the store.. feeling the sun and the wind

..

Listening to Priest... One for the Road.. Rock aRolla

Trying to keep balanced.. thanks Josh for that infused mini..

Reflecting on my biases.. thoughts of recent.. if I'm here why not act? What is character.. to be human.. fomo? Human physiology beyond my control?? Wanting vs doing.. vs no free will?

why do you fight so hard to keep a broken system

 why does it feel like i got punched in the eye this morning... after another night of fitful sleep.

Attempting to figure out my to do list for this morning and rescheduling one as it's not available today, I start meandering on the internet, cleaning up old emails, and as I'm scrolling I glance on my bookmark bar to see my Cornel link that I saved, to which I started thinking about how some many think that a 3rd party vote "is a waste of a vote". Which then I thought of this reply, why do you fight so hard to maintain a broken system?

I need to clean this room.. I need to work on some projects.. i need a job... i'm running away from this tsunami of a conceived reality of horrors... at times i feel like i am unable to get past my own mental constructs of my current situation... i get in my own way.. what am I doing.. what am i not doing...

should be.. what is should be.. why are those my thoughts? my appetite seems to be wanting more.. food that is..

and then i don't

 my notes are reminders of past thoughts and intentions.. ideas... more projects.. to be able to hyper fixate on a thing. Singular... but yes it comes at a price.. life always has a condition..

i'm bothered about things... like always.. bothered about my blind spots.. my ignorance.. because it does make me not want to do things.. i do make more than enough excuses to not do.. weather.. out late.. slept funny.. wake up in a bad mood.. seeing me commit actions that I question are they helping?

helping me.. ?

to do what? this is the bullshit i tell myself.. there are a number of things missing about myself.. things that I think I have excused or rationalized away into a new for of procrastinating aka waiting for the right time.. for when the stars and planets align... which is bullshit..

or am i acting in a preprogrammed manner? Is my reaction/thought about procrastinating what I see as making excuses that part of me i need to correct? the critical aspect of myself.. (more analysis paralysis?)

i need to walk more... haven't lifted in a hot minute.. feel like I'm slipping away from what I was trying to do... my lack of self discipline...

but I'm here now

Having this notion that while I am here... I should be doing... Yeah..

Can't belive I thought that..

I was enjoying this pic and thinking, "in another life" and I found that a bit disturbing, as it's not something I usually contemplate let alone have in my immediate thoughts of another life as I only have this one.

 A park ranger is something I've thought of for a while, not like my earlier years of either a pilot, or a chef or working in IT. To be in nature and see things like this on a regular basis, one thing I do know, is that I love the outdoors and being in them. I think the photos I do take represent that quite obviously.

 

 https://old.reddit.com/r/EarthPorn/comments/19cilnh/one_of_the_most_valuable_lessons_ive_learned_as_a/

blindness

 i watch the events of the show unfold..

the performers portray their respective characters in their respective roles..

the drama of life... of those at the end of their road at the end of their journey..

I reflect on the scenarios laid before me, of the uncanny resemblance or the all too similar situations...

The end that comes for us all..

I find myself empathetic for these moments.. contemplating the humanity in death.. in ones life decaying before others.. the pain that is... that impending loss of the inevitable..

and become all to aware of my blindness... and the all more prescient awareness of my own death..

dissection and categorization of knowledge

 i'm reading/thinking/researching at the same time... Cornel West.. his site.. his influences.. who is this person.. what are his influences... Bonhoeffer... MLK... 

and thinking abut how i'm thinking about all that.. how i'm trying to categorize.. getting sidetracked about family and their needs for knowledge... finding sites like JSTOR in my rabbit trails and reading the notes of others dissection of West's own words in to boxes and categories, what the meta of the meat is so to speak...

example - if I talk about making roasted potatoes, what is the metaphysics of it? Why does that matter? Yet when I talk about things I have a tendency to think about the "fundamental particles" vs the fully developed "roasted potatoes".

My brain has a tendency to get stuck on the fundamental particles...

https://richmazzola.medium.com/a-beginners-guide-to-a-hidden-reality-quantum-mechanics-and-musings-on-a-simulated-reality-e48c20d66b03

square one

 I'm sitting here. Yet again and it seems that I've come full circle in this pursuit of trying to ascertain specific answers and yet not finding solace in those answers.

what is my purpose?

 

Am I to determine that on my own accord? As I've come to this point once again, wondering in my melodramatic situation, my own mental failings of myself in what seems like another desperate breakdown to make sense of it all. Of my broken self, of my broken situation, of my broken society, of my broken country, of a broken humanity. Of a broken world.

I run. I hide, from so many things on a daily basis telling myself I need to attend to that but not today I need a break or I need a crutch of one sort of another. I am weak mentally, physically, and most importantly of my own character. Why do I think this so? Why do I draw such harsh criticisms of myself?

I only know my failings and that list is long and historical. I don't want to make any more excuses for shitty behavior, but as soon as I think I have this moment of clarity, this moment of corrective action, this moment of a new start or a redoubling of efforts towards I cringe at the results. The initial reactions or even the ones spent in a moment of thought, of consideration, I find myself choking on this foot of mine.

Yet all of this is the reality we share. All this knowledge and it still seems unknowable, unfathomable, incomprehensible and inconceivable. The reality presented by history, by science, and I still feel so ignorant and helpless. We have tools at our disposal, tools of math and science to give us an understanding of the here and now. Yesterday & Tomorrow, this is where I find my thoughts. This is where I find my feelings. Fuck you Yoda. Though I get that it's a bit of Lao Tsu there. Be present... be like water... find balance. Focus on the now, the today, the self. 

I'm caught up in the garbage of humanity... being that I also am a part of that. Politics, propaganda, oligarchical hegemony of capitalist nations maintaining the lock step of keeping the status quo. Fighting tooth and nail against entropy and of reality. Nothing lasts forever, especially empires.

Why have I always felt this weird egotistical notion of wanting to "do something" (I know this is a typical and familiar feeling for a good portion of humanity).

Why can't I stop asking why? My ignorance... my guess.

need more Alt J

privacy of words

I'm having imaginary conversations w others and thinking about some vids I've seen from others talking about privacy of ones thoughts is powerful.

Not divulging intimate details but keeping them to oneself. So why do I want to divulge my thoughts to her?

Not as if that would change anything. Not that I would want it to change. Why does the past have such a hold on me, why do I allow it? Why have I for 35+ years held her in such high regard... Why?

This one person. Who I have sabotaged previous relationships due to my inability to get over her. Seeking what? What is it.... I don't think that is the right question ... As I can come up with fantastical notions of never gonna happen in a bajillion years... A- she's married and I do not want that disrupted by me. B - last I checked she was more hard R than I'd ever want to get involved with someone. Fuck I make it a point to not get involved w others who are R.

But I can name off a ton of shit as to why I am attracted to her as a person... I know sort a where she came from.. we were in the hospital together. That's where we met... Where things started.

She's busted her ass to get where she is? That alone has the allure.. I'm vaguely aware of her accomplishments... To some degree.. a mother.. survivor... She flourished. 

Then when I look at my pathetic self who continues to cry over her.

The prison of self

The prison of others

The reality of never truly being w another.

one more shot...

 trapped in a making of my own device?

There's a whole genre of music out there I like.. granted I do not go out of my way to explore but none the less it's something that I am familiar with and for some fucking reason plays on my heartstrings..

c-bank - one more shot

look out weekend is another one.. so is that Chaka Khan song... not that one.. this one..

not to mention songs that I place on a specific time and era of my young life...

that one Julio Iglesias song...

which I have pushed out of my memory soooooo much I can't remember the name of it...

 NM it's sergio mendes... lol

 and this Debbie Deb one... 

AND THIS ONE!!!!

Soooo many... but any who.. yeah didn't realize how much Freestyle was part of my youth.. then again I did breakdance for a hot minute...

 

 

 

 

never let me down again

Going crazy today trying to find a DM cover from a newer band... Don't remember anything about it..

frayed

 so I'm writing this down at the moment...

frazzled... unhinged... 

currently in a mode ... mood.. that I would snap very easily.. very agitated.. fucking tired of sooo much shit right now...

me.. my situation...

who i am and how i react and see things and feel... the kit and caboodle.. i feel the tension in shoulders very much at the moment... i'm sooooo fucking tired of everything..

tired of trying..

tired of giving a fuck..

tired of trying to care...

i want it just to end right now..

i can't find a fucking job... i have no prospects.. it's been over a year now

if I had a button to nuke the world I would do so..

but also if I won the lotto I don't think i would care either way...

money would probably kill me faster... fuck reality.. fuck the universe.. fuck this existence..

headache

 my brain hurts... and I'm wondering what I am doing at them moment.. why am I even bothering with this right now.. this entry

low key have thoughts of ending things and I'm acting like I'm not paying attention to it..

there's a decent amount of stress going on with me now. I don't want to think more than I have to and the words I have at my disposal are rudimentary at best. No job.. no prospects.. and any options I'm reviewing at the moment I do not want.

options that I am aware of whether they are friends or family.. the (word that escapes me) novelty... that's it..

life's novelty is paper thin right now...

my disdain for myself is there ever present and never wavering.. even when I have moments where i have some semblance of positivity about myself... just a thin veneer.. 

over the ups and downs of reality... over the cheer leading I've looked towards to not feel this way... just soo fucking tired... and this is just a fucking broken record at this point.

whine whine whine... which my own assessments of my self don't help much..

tired of it.. tired of the rinse and repeat...

there is nothing new...

it's a good mix night

That perfect night of music..  fuck.. what is this transition I see...

Nc... Really.. my knee is fucked atm... I'm stuck here... Reminding myself appt orthopedic 

reality saying time for change..

I'm here again wondering what is this existence?

Seriously all those songs I have listened to over my life questioning reality....

understanding meaning

Once again.. haf

Off to store and contemplating what is anxiety? Is it fear based? Why are we capable of it? That is how did we get here? Is it part of the fight or flight response?

I smell fireplace.

  Yum

query

 so there's this amalgamated thought I have a brewing... i want to try to link where this thought comes from....

so this is, like I said, and amalgamated thought. One of the things you do if you are looking to expand your horizons is intake the thoughts of others in the form of the words they speak and or write and or communicate in a manner that can be understood....

Over the years while I've listened and looked and read and analyzed there seems to be a pattern of speech that talks around one's creative journey and that creatives hang out or associate with creatives and the same goes for non, or in this manner any group of like minded individuals... though you may have those who seem to stand out a bit more than the rest, these are the ones most influential there circle. Leaders especially stand out as the most prominent in this group. 

Leaders are these types of people.. x, y, and z, however there is one trait I keep hearing and that is to surround yourself with people that you would like to be. If you have goals and or aspirations that you should not be afraid to blaze your own trail or path... let the haters come. If you have haters then you have succeeded or other such notions. Birds of a feather...

I think there is this balance on finding out about yourself via science, biology, behavioral, stoicism, psychology, philosophy...

but I find that the groups I am most comfortable in typically are not healthy. My social time is not much.. I don't socialize with a large number of people. I have difficulty in making friends... I have a hard time connecting with others, I have put in my head that I don't have time to cultivating new friends per se. That is unless it's part of the crossing paths type. The few social gatherings I do attend throughout the year and or club outings I attend. Plus the mystery events that may or may not pop up as well.

Which is why i am trying to find better groups to socialize in, but yet again I may be moving here. FUCK...

NC is an option that I am not very excited to think about...

almost

Almost lost a 20 bill.. 💵💵

down 4 maintenance

Just stoner thinking..

Whatever humans create will also be bound to the realities of humanity..

This includes artificial constructs... Digital ones especially.

Systems have scheduled maintenance 

perspective

Walking for errands

Listening to the metal of my youth

Weighing the world as I walk

Thinking how the universe is made of particles that pop on and out of existence that constitute the matter of reality...

Hell awaits!! Praise hell Satan passing through my ears in waves..

Trying to not take it serious as I laugh at my own perspective... High as a kite.. weighing the world from a questionable existence..