6-30

 I contemplate the day.. the week.. the year.. my life.. the future..

and nothing at all.

I've just begun to think.. and then realize that that is a foolish endeavor.

The days of wanting to have a sense a normalcy need to do the way of the dodo.. as it seems that is an illusion as well. 

As i struggle with these mental maladies as determined through the realities of today. i question it all, I question the legitimacy of it all, considering the science of the day and words of the ancients from thousands of years ago.. is it so because a majority say it is so.. is it so because the violent state determines it is so.. the war of my self and the war I want to wage against myself.. the war within to end my life and the war within to want to live.. and thinking that these word have been said before.. to be.. or not to be..

this imposter syndrome shit is real...

the constant affirmations of what I feel to be true is true and then false at the same time because i feel that it is wrong.. to see the world through the eyes of others and to feel this constant struggle of wanting to do but crippled by my thoughts and emotions and this "knowledge" that it ALL is a lie.. an illusion.. as we are but star dust and chemicals and an algorithm that is known as reality.

this process of evolution.. to have an illusion of control.. yet not in the least..