currently having what I think is a very high level of cortisol coursing through my body.. for some many reasons.. #1 no worky and no money to do projects/hobbies and having ability to work towards goals..
tried to read earlier and brain said nope... (struggled with spelling brain there for a minute also)
trying to find a therapist and finding out that I need to know what I'm looking for vs going eeny meeny miney... hey moe..
brain can barely put A to B together at the moment...
and I just picked up my phone for I don't know what reason.. trying not to end myself here.. but also wanting to end myself here...
my desires for hedonist endeavors to escape this mental prison of self loathing and despair has me feeling trapped in a ouroboros-esque merry go round of rinse and repeat behaviors of trying to find some solace in an answer to myself.. but always feeling like I come up empty.. always wanting to be around people.. but failing in that..
went clubbing last night.. stayed for 90 minutes.. before I felt overwhelmed.. and said hey let's go.
I'm not well.. I've never been well.. I struggle with everything these days.. i struggle with others.. and being around them... I see the things of my past (my mother & her ailments - her behaviors and can't help but see the similarities...)
No comments:
Post a Comment
Discourse is the only means of being able to communicate with one another. Assuming one person knows things that you know is not realistic. Spam will be deleted, fallacious messages will be pointed out as such, and educating the reader is not the objective.