what is this nonsense

I feel like I could it all and then not even know where to begin.. this notion of reading people's words to read their thiers hearts and thoughts.. but not want to breath again.. I have these notions of togetherness and community and then see it as a pipe dream or a nightmare... To want to be a part of it all because of the mania or the madness in my head and body that screams for more of humanity and screams for more if myself and wanting nothing but a bed or a bowl of cereal.. to want the oblivious thoughts as a kid and not the cares in this world that drag me down to this dystopian reality.. to this manipulated hellscape.. 

That I do wonder about.. I wonder if this is truly the only way.. excluding the human manipulated bullshit.. evolution is a fact.. those more capable of surviving change or most capable of change...

Is this the reality.. is humanity truly capable of a better future.. are the godlike demons capable of more than themselves... I have doubts.. I think humanity would eat itself if given the means... But that's my twisted viewpoint.. I don't want a viewpoint that has me aligned with a destructive version of humanity (I think there's a lot of discussion needed on this and self reflection as well as analysis of the reality of things), hope in the face of reality... Is that being delusional?

To want better but how does one change an unchangeable system??