death

 my desire to live vs my desire to not live is on thin ice these days. The levels of anxiety I am going through at the the moment is a bit nerve wracking at the moment needless to say. the desire to want to do something, that seems a bit daunting and unapproachable along with this day to day existence has me spinning around... so I have to ask myself this question.. is it people that drive me crazy or that is is it the social interactions that I have that make me  stressed out.. that I allow them to.. or the underlying factors that push me in such a way... the desire to be alone and to be in a crowd at the same time.. the mental exhaustion that comes with being around others... the want to be around family and then simultaneously not want to be.. the longing for past familiar events and something new..

 

this anxiety that I have.. that I am crippled by or am I making excuses.. am I once again ignoring the obvious.. more like blind to it.. then again.. it's more like ignoring it with me..

 

I want to be a part of things... then again nope..

off to get shoes...

what is this nonsense

I feel like I could it all and then not even know where to begin.. this notion of reading people's words to read their thiers hearts and thoughts.. but not want to breath again.. I have these notions of togetherness and community and then see it as a pipe dream or a nightmare... To want to be a part of it all because of the mania or the madness in my head and body that screams for more of humanity and screams for more if myself and wanting nothing but a bed or a bowl of cereal.. to want the oblivious thoughts as a kid and not the cares in this world that drag me down to this dystopian reality.. to this manipulated hellscape.. 

That I do wonder about.. I wonder if this is truly the only way.. excluding the human manipulated bullshit.. evolution is a fact.. those more capable of surviving change or most capable of change...

Is this the reality.. is humanity truly capable of a better future.. are the godlike demons capable of more than themselves... I have doubts.. I think humanity would eat itself if given the means... But that's my twisted viewpoint.. I don't want a viewpoint that has me aligned with a destructive version of humanity (I think there's a lot of discussion needed on this and self reflection as well as analysis of the reality of things), hope in the face of reality... Is that being delusional?

To want better but how does one change an unchangeable system??

tonight was awesome

Probably one of the best nights.. got to have a good connected conversation w 2 different people tonight..

This brings me joy.. in spite of my inebriated state..

This is joy.. the human connection...

27 dollars

27 dollars.. tipped bar 10

Should be enough to cover cc bill.. but g d gift will be postponed..

I am high as fuck.. I love good nights on a human level.. and tonight.. it really was..

Though I forgot the engi name.. I of the person I met tonight.. 

Chris issak for the win

But it's a Billy Idol mashup.. white wedding...

And here I was thinking it's wicked game.. which is all Laura... Which I regret how that ended.. but I was young and super dumb..

I'm alone.. siting w my broken glass..

All these songs at the club tonight.. just reminders of the past and events that are tied them...

Berlin especially... While there are a number of pre Pam instances and events around Berlin.. it's more or less her band.. that is I associate Berlin w her mostly.. we did see them and have had convey about them and some of the songs and that Sisters collab she did is one of her favorites.

Billy idol.. is early 80s.. parents divorce era.. punk and metal introductions.. beginning hoodlum stage.. snot nose kid.. BI .. Generation X.. well first 2 albums of BI.. the later stuff was meh.. 

But BI.. Rebel Yell album.. midst of parents divorce.. so many bad choices.. bad events.. bad firsts.. but I see it for what it is.. life's a bitch.. (or is it?) which illusion do you hold to??

 

My brother and his chasing punanny and parties and the social rapscallion he was.. dragging me to the more all ages events.. Studio K.. other events.. Richard Blade at Old World.. 

My early intro to clubs.. plus the music was my depressive mentality.. or is it accepting reality.. that you are powerless experiencing events beyond your control and always wanting what you can't have.. control.. there is no certainty in evolution.. thank you chaos...

Then there's that Inxs song.. with the I'm lonely lyric.. but Michelle had overdubbed a tape that said I'm horny instead.. all I ever think of when I hear that song.. I was 13 at the time..

connections

So I'm always thinking about how do you connect with others about core beliefs?? That is what is they believe and what is their belief about their reasoning process and what they see or philosophy on life or am I thinkingore than I need to about it.. making it more convoluted... 

Is it something that needs to be more direct? Versus pointing to outside influences that our foundational truths to us in some way.

What's your reason for existence... Always on my mind..  now I ask myself why? What is the driver's toward this thought vs something else?

Why can't I chill?

This weird cultural want to be more charismatic... Witty.. finding a vehicle for my voice..

better bad choices

I really need to learn

I really need to learn

I really need to learn

To make

Better bad choices

Do unto us as Uncle Sam would do unto an unsuspecting undemocratic country... Learning how to not do what They did and I did last year

1 tequil2 tequila 3 tequila... Don't bore me no more..

stress release

So I discovered today that I have a dumb thing I like for relieving stress or things that make me giggle when I'm stressed...

Stupid shit..