nostalgia and it's markers

 https://old.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/13yh3ad/i_hand_painted_another_vintage_sign/

This is making me ask questions and having feelings at the same time.

There's something about "those things" outside of ones personal experience realm those day to day things but these things that are non the less parts of our lives. Prime example... Orange County, Ca - Beach Blvd from PCH to say Orangethorpe. The scenery has changed so much down that stretch, the drive in is. Alligator Farm, is long gone as are so many of the stores that supported a different reality.

A different reality. As I watch these years fly by I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed with emotions as I'm reminded, much like this sign that at some point the software version I'm running on is going to be out of warranty at some point here in the future. What is this? What is this melancholy longing of sorrow that I'm filled with. A bittersweet past of I don't know how to describe the chaos that was my life, but before I completely put my foot in my mouth I know my life caused quite a bit of negative events for others, as the circumstances and my bullshittery are varied in them I don't know quite how else to make them all of my own doing. more than that.

I find myself going "back in my day" waaaaay to often these days. These emotions that have been so easily to come by these days. This level of clarity, but it too almost seems like an illusion. If i dwell or linger on too many personal thoughts, those especially of family will have me down the ever falling tears of family nostalgia. Those good memories, though eventually I have to be reminded of the bullshit I caused as well. See this is where I'm a bit torn.

Change in behavior comes through education/knowledge.

Which is why every time I put a letter down I feel like a raging ignorant hypocrite... how the fuck do I know?

Should a person do drugs?

Am I making excuses for those that I do?

Oh this was one of the thoughts I had the other day.... So I was thinking about the little incident from Memorial Day.. that little trip incident and how there was a point that I felt like I was watching my life go off in slow motion. Like I had found a "glitch in the system" so to speak.. the matrix and alternate dimension. It felt like I was experiencing  multiple emotions all at once, that quick flash montage of one experiencing emotions in a disturb state. Something from 12 Monkeys or Scanners or any other quintessential movie trope about mind altering experiences gone awry.

Now did I experience those visions or that experience because I had previously been exposed to that "reality" or was it something spontaneously generated from my mind? Why was I able to relate it to because of something in existence that I had been previously exposed to? So this is where I am at, was it a bit scary - sure I probably had a low blood sugar event as well which probably didn't help the situation, as I've had a handful of other hallucinatory events in the past. Just to push the envelope so to speak I had more Wednesday, but the outcome was completely different. Ate around midnight, but at 7 in the morn I needed sugar and I could tell. Even with all the other substances running course through my body.

I like to do drugs in group settings, I like them with a partner best of all, but I don't like that I do use them to manage my anxiety. Weed mostly. 

I'm at this age... fuck.. that.. I said that.  At an age (incredulous)... that's phrase that'll get me going. It will send me on a mental spin if I['m not careful. I feel my age in my back, my body, my mind, my feelings... my anxious foot tapping, my knees, my elbows, my eyes... So many things about me, and then when I think of that age associated with me...

I really do want to cry. Though I have to ask, what is that going to do? And who is Jenny from Munich?

Ooohh so yeah, I feel like I should write about her. So this is bizzaro, in that I sorta met someone.. not really.. but I know where she goes on occasion, the same as me.. well maybe a bit more. Jenny from Munich who lives in Los Feliz... and I found her via Google. hmmm now what?

Spoilers... living in the day and age that we do know.. aka the internet and being able to "research" people... is there ever a "right time"...

So currently I am being a bit of a misanthrope.. around my own personal revelations and my current financial situation and the family situation.. I'm not opposed to a relationship - yes - no...  it's just will I talk myself out of something.. will I "rationalize" when I probably shouldn't.... how much off the "list of requirements" are hard and fast? I know her middle name now also... this feels creepy.