So I have a cursory thought here floating on the fringes of my mind. It's there on the horizon, i just need to navigate to it to bring it in to focus. To have it in my grasp, but has i get closer the storm of feelings comes in, the swell increases.
I was reflecting on why do I roast P so much. Why is it i come off as an asshole constantly with her?
Why do I have a hard time with others who don't know things that I do or assume they should know these thing?
Especially with P, she's the butt of my jokes constantly and fuck i haaaaaate myself for it. It's fucking reactionary also. Why?
And as soon as I start to think about it i get emotional but I don't want to feel sorry for me but that I'm being mean to her and fuck that.
Do i resent her?? Maybe but I think those with failed 1st's may have similar views. In that they being young when it happened had similar thoughts feelings expectations.. "promises" said to one another.
I find a desire for those feelings of love and companionship... But I also feel that I'm in no boat to go down that road.
I can get so emotional these days... While on one had i sorta enjoy it others... Wooohf
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