oooopppssss

Went to karaoke and didn't sing....

also missed the toilet

rando

can it be corrupted.. misconstrued

So I'm sitting here at karaoke and wondering is what I'm writing capable of being twisted... Well the answer is obvious. Yes... 

magic

So this make #3 time I've hit the magic writing combo... But prior to the burst of inspiration.... I contemplated writing inspo but then went fts.  Fuck that shit.

Prior.. i was hemming and hawing on getting content... And ok... That though ran out.

Love the writing.. not great but it's the bits and pieces of something bigger i hope.

Things like this....

 

I enjoy these...

Pam

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ImKY6TZEyrI

Songs that are her's.

..... for all we currently know....

Watching a yt vid from Sabine hossenfelder.. existential physics

I want to use that as a title or a subject...

Discuss the knowledge of reality and how it's constantly changing....

this abysmal cycle

I want to complain, but that's not gonna sole shit. I want to implode into nothing, but wanting shit doesn't make it happen.

This metallic taste hangs under my tongue, the pain in my knee that seems to be radiating in a .

Why do i bother to write my thoughts down, why do i bother at all .. i get these ideas but why bother.

Ideas of garbage and pointlessness... Optimism is not my strong suite ...

I don't want to bother but yet i somehow manage to keep playing in the mud.

soft cell

Is this the moment that I say done...???

Part is over... Taco time..

old people coming of age.. or one different look at life...

So tonight is really showing bare just how old I am and my pretty much continued struggle losing weight ..

So I was thinking that all it took was not mixing my chems.... These candy bars are amazing.

Able to be someone I can have fun with...

This thought is hard to accept.. the passing of youth .  

This is the quintessential club moment I could have.   Sadly coming to terms me getting old .

My actual physical deterioration as I dance to songs of my early mid teen club days .. pure nostalgic candy's that meltssthe tongue. The kind with a never wanting to leave groove . 

Og gothic industrial... They fucking best!!

Danke #Farber

Boarders for the win...

Cluuuuuuubing here at one of the more visited locations in all of my clubbing history... It is a 10 out of 10 Hollywood night experience..and not a photo that I I have ..

i got distracted...

And in such a way as to completely disrupt my original... Train of.... TROOIIIUUUGGHHTT!!!!!!!!!

I'm smitten 🥰🥰🥰

stranger than art

So my aged old ass coming to terms with reality and it's shortened expectancy... I've lived the cliche in more ways than one... At least according to some alternate reality.. sure the club is free .. but it's a sub culture alive here in Hollywood..

This reality is strange... And it seems it's stranger for those ..

i love this

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/boating-captain-ambushed-orcas-they-knew-exactly-what-they-are-doing/

I love this sense of the planet fighting back against humanity...

I'm no fan of humanity... Schadenfreude esque.

Reality is a nightmare at best.... 

Oh.. i should explain a bit on this.

So as I see things with my miniature myopic lens...

Reality is a bittersweet hell at best... To be introduced to firsts to then have them taken away.. or i should say a fruitless journey.. ty Sisyphus.

conversation

 so I'm trying to figure out something.. sorta figure it out or am I just wishful thinking on this.

I know Wed was an adventure and may have gotten abit.. well loopy.

So I texted the ex.. and said I wanted to have a talk, now this talk has maybe been brewing in the back of my head for quite some time. Months.. more like years. It was the culmination of thoughts.. the culmination of conversations. That is, me wanting to have a conversation with her. Why though? I really need to ask myself that now. As I step back and look at how things are.

So last night I approached the subject and asked if there was anything left to say between us and or if it was just me and or if I was just been a bit of a drama queen.. which I know I am.. Not so much drama, just an over emotional person who apparently needs to write their thoughts and feelings down. Also wanting to honestly know what people are thinking.. I have  hard time with that. Accepting people's answer, I don't know but I'm always wondering if that's really the whole story from them.

I am apparently asking a bit too much from others.. and the more I try to delve these paths of communication with others I'm usually left unsatisfied. Now here's the rub, as much as I may say I'm a moron... I have this part of me that goes, I'm not as ignorant as this person or this preconception.. and honestly it's always been there, hell even as a little kid being told your smart but you just do dumb things. I have to honestly look at who I am and for the most part thinking I'm mediocre at best. It's a bit confusing having multiple positions on a topic... yes I can do some things, but I'm not gifted as much as I would have lead myself to believe. 

but anyway.. I'm sad that I can't have a conversation with some people like I would like to. Family especially... save 1.

Which leads me to believe it's a me problem... and I don't feel well atm..

 toooasty .h

 shit I lost it .. it was fucking awesome... that is the prophecy come true.. WAAAACKCHAAAAaaaahhhhh

grampa

So first g pa post?

I was taking pics of my Target trip and grumbling about Grampa a broke ass for not being able to purchase crap they toss out some day... And I want to use my anecdotal experience of my childhood and being a spoiled brat... I like being able to "check" my thoughts...

Candy is kicking in..

dis com boob a lated

 I'm feeling despondent.. melancholy.. depressed I dare say.

I don't want to write this but today has been a fucking weird ass day. As in I'm forcing myself to write...

Yesterday I had fanciful dreams of accomplishing tasks... woke up ok, then I had a headache pop up that just wasn't going away.. I felt off.. physically all day. So I putzed around like usual, vidiot games like usual. Some musing thoughts on what gets me sad.. songs primarily... sent a handful to the kids... got a bit sad thinking of T... and while I readily have songs about father/son relationships... I don't have any for father/daughter... and that got me looking... and then I realized.. I have 2

And YEP... can't listen to The Lion Sleeps Tonight... waaaaaaay to emotional atm.

cyclical... Am I being.. and I can't think of words these days...  impulsive.. rash... risk taking...

I'm feeling hopeless atm.. mostly because it seems like I can't catch that break and here I am again looking for work, putting everything on hold... I have my dr appts this week.. i hope my endocrinologist can paint a better picture than what I currently have as to what is going on.. 

I'm not optimistic.. I've had a low grade headache since end of April..

 

 

and the Hawaiian guy covering over the rainbow 🌈

Clicked on a reddit post about a cat incubating eggs and the sound track was the over the rainbow cover... That's another song i lose my shit on. 😭

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1I

frank oz

I was watching a clip from Conan 1997 with M Hamill and he's doing impressions telling a story when Frank's name is mentioned.

Frank Oz is my childhood with the muppets and I just realized that when he passes I may have a little emotional episode.

Certain childhood pop culture things are foundational.

The Muppet Show, Star Wars, Puff the Magic Dragon are a few tv shows.

Puff the song, Cats in the Cradle, Father and Son are a few songs.

I'm at this weird part in my understanding or I should say how I choose to view.. interpret the knowledge I have and gained.

I see the world as this absurdity, I'm questioning existence itself. Not in a why am I here though I'm sure there is part of that, but in that it does seem like an illusion but again confirmation biases and shit. Which that doesn't help to disuade me ( somewhat).

I've come to this understanding of different perspectives, walked a mile in others shoes so to speak, which I can empathize yet i feel like it's also a bit unnerving as it does solve anything but just gives more questions. Do our efforts make things better or is it just cognitive dissonance?

Still on the illusion thought train...

Feeling old sucks, i can understand why people are bitter in there old age... I hate the age brings about this perceived clarity. Though I think the clarity has to do with searching for answers...

To know the world and your reality you have to learn about yourself. You need to discipline your thoughts, and actions. Though that's the rub, you are your own worst enemy and won't want to do it. As there has to be a series of events (imo) that have to be the catalyst to make those decisions consciously. Change in behavior required to recognize the behavior and that it needs to be changed and having a plan. Education and experience, it will be a trial and error, fits and tantrums before what you have learned becomes understood. Like most things in life, it is a skill to be learned and some of us are better are certain skills than others. Unfortunately the way we as a nation go about teaching is generally crap, it's outdated and ineffective. But then again we as a collective society love outdated ideas.

i think we are fucked as a species

I say this with my biased input and limited knowledge....

The death grip that has humanity enslaved and entrenched into every aspect of out lives. Capitalism.

Capitalism is the one thing every person has been born into since WWII, prior to actual slavery we were peasants and serfs or other entrapped groups serving a minority. So nothing really has changed, i think that in of itself is another if the great illusions of this world.

Like i say to myself, I'm immersed in the essence of corruption how the fuck would I know what corruption is. You are brainwashed by the time you are 7. Your family, habits, culture, national belief, localized ideas and concepts. Religion especially for those on the lower economic spectrum. Ignorance is money, and they make more money for keeping you doped up on stupid cultural shit. Every aspect of your existence is commodified. From your birth to death.

Even if I educated myself on the data that science presents, I'm still inside the experiment. I'm am still a part of this reality. I can't be objective, how is this not an illusion?

The notion that I can see... My eyes can decieve me.. don't trust them.

Kind of stuck on some things.. is there an answer or response to Descartes mind a jar query or no... I should revisit it.

Two... Wouldn't it make sense that if you are creating a world of illusion that it works? So any attempts to detect would give incorrect information including measurable data. That the standard model and any future science is part of the illusion?

Or is this just stoner thinking??

Reality and all that's in it an illusion?

So what is this evolution... Why have a specific species evolve to these levels but my guess not the final final story of Earth? Humans may die out but Earth will continue.

---- side rant

I guess that's one thing I have issue with in certain Sci Fi. Nothing ever really seems culturally evolved, language especially. Some series try to create new slang but the overall stories are too relatable?? Wtf.. yeah stoned.. I'm saying that why is it humanity has the same fucking issues every generation, talking family centered not so much society wise those change but there are handfuls of social issues that are always in the top. Disparities that are prevelant always. Rich/poor, young/old, old/young, education/ignorance... Racial.. we really are a garbage species IMHO.

We're are we going .. not like I'll be there for the destination? I hope. I hoped as a kid for a dystopian future to fuck around in, but yeah ignorance and also know I'm too old and falling apart. Holy shit, when you have to sit still for a bit and take it in... It is planet insano.

I guess that's my point, if the summation of life is bittersweet how is that not insano?

Then again I lived a different life from say B Franklin or anyone i grew up with even if somewhat similar.

And that humanity is humanity's worst enemy.

nostalgia and it's markers

 https://old.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/13yh3ad/i_hand_painted_another_vintage_sign/

This is making me ask questions and having feelings at the same time.

There's something about "those things" outside of ones personal experience realm those day to day things but these things that are non the less parts of our lives. Prime example... Orange County, Ca - Beach Blvd from PCH to say Orangethorpe. The scenery has changed so much down that stretch, the drive in is. Alligator Farm, is long gone as are so many of the stores that supported a different reality.

A different reality. As I watch these years fly by I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed with emotions as I'm reminded, much like this sign that at some point the software version I'm running on is going to be out of warranty at some point here in the future. What is this? What is this melancholy longing of sorrow that I'm filled with. A bittersweet past of I don't know how to describe the chaos that was my life, but before I completely put my foot in my mouth I know my life caused quite a bit of negative events for others, as the circumstances and my bullshittery are varied in them I don't know quite how else to make them all of my own doing. more than that.

I find myself going "back in my day" waaaaay to often these days. These emotions that have been so easily to come by these days. This level of clarity, but it too almost seems like an illusion. If i dwell or linger on too many personal thoughts, those especially of family will have me down the ever falling tears of family nostalgia. Those good memories, though eventually I have to be reminded of the bullshit I caused as well. See this is where I'm a bit torn.

Change in behavior comes through education/knowledge.

Which is why every time I put a letter down I feel like a raging ignorant hypocrite... how the fuck do I know?

Should a person do drugs?

Am I making excuses for those that I do?

Oh this was one of the thoughts I had the other day.... So I was thinking about the little incident from Memorial Day.. that little trip incident and how there was a point that I felt like I was watching my life go off in slow motion. Like I had found a "glitch in the system" so to speak.. the matrix and alternate dimension. It felt like I was experiencing  multiple emotions all at once, that quick flash montage of one experiencing emotions in a disturb state. Something from 12 Monkeys or Scanners or any other quintessential movie trope about mind altering experiences gone awry.

Now did I experience those visions or that experience because I had previously been exposed to that "reality" or was it something spontaneously generated from my mind? Why was I able to relate it to because of something in existence that I had been previously exposed to? So this is where I am at, was it a bit scary - sure I probably had a low blood sugar event as well which probably didn't help the situation, as I've had a handful of other hallucinatory events in the past. Just to push the envelope so to speak I had more Wednesday, but the outcome was completely different. Ate around midnight, but at 7 in the morn I needed sugar and I could tell. Even with all the other substances running course through my body.

I like to do drugs in group settings, I like them with a partner best of all, but I don't like that I do use them to manage my anxiety. Weed mostly. 

I'm at this age... fuck.. that.. I said that.  At an age (incredulous)... that's phrase that'll get me going. It will send me on a mental spin if I['m not careful. I feel my age in my back, my body, my mind, my feelings... my anxious foot tapping, my knees, my elbows, my eyes... So many things about me, and then when I think of that age associated with me...

I really do want to cry. Though I have to ask, what is that going to do? And who is Jenny from Munich?

Ooohh so yeah, I feel like I should write about her. So this is bizzaro, in that I sorta met someone.. not really.. but I know where she goes on occasion, the same as me.. well maybe a bit more. Jenny from Munich who lives in Los Feliz... and I found her via Google. hmmm now what?

Spoilers... living in the day and age that we do know.. aka the internet and being able to "research" people... is there ever a "right time"...

So currently I am being a bit of a misanthrope.. around my own personal revelations and my current financial situation and the family situation.. I'm not opposed to a relationship - yes - no...  it's just will I talk myself out of something.. will I "rationalize" when I probably shouldn't.... how much off the "list of requirements" are hard and fast? I know her middle name now also... this feels creepy.

dumb thoughts

Oh wow...

So I have a cursory thought here floating on the fringes of my mind. It's there on the horizon, i just need to navigate to it to bring it in to focus. To have it in my grasp, but has i get closer the storm of feelings comes in, the swell increases.

I was reflecting on why do I roast P so much. Why is it i come off as an asshole constantly with her?

Why do I have a hard time with others who don't know things that I do or assume they should know these thing?

Especially with P, she's the butt of my jokes constantly and fuck i haaaaaate myself for it. It's fucking reactionary also.  Why? 

And as soon as I start to think about it i get emotional but I don't want to feel sorry for me but that I'm being mean to her and fuck that.

Do i resent her?? Maybe but I think those with failed 1st's may have similar views. In that they being young when it happened had similar thoughts feelings expectations.. "promises" said to one another. 

I find a desire for those feelings of love and companionship... But I also feel that I'm in no boat to go down that road.

I can get so emotional these days... While on one had i sorta enjoy it others... Wooohf