ruled by

Superstitions and fear from liars, murders, and thieves.. aka the human race.

thanksgiving

holy crap... talk about a trigger I was not expecting moment.

Started thinking about cookware.. and how I feel you only need a couple of non stick pans.. stainless for the majority.. and thinking on techniques, hot pans, well seasoned, greased.. etc.. then thought of other ones that are helpful . Rabbit trailing in my though to get to cooking with your eyes closed... And went to Thanksgiving dinner.. and how it took 20+ years and instantly missed the fam.. crap..

authenticity and principles...

I will not un normalize my life to make yours comfortable. Though how does this compare to those who wish to be kind above all else.

I've heard said some would rather be kind than right. How then do you determine principles... What number of objects constitutes a pile? At what point can you tell when something is true or not true?   Again I come to my idea spectrum theory..

There's a way I believe that one can through study, application, and reflection. But let me step back a bit. I need to document things... Analysis.. review.

I have material... Lots of material.. I need to take the time now... Build.. pull from everything that I've consumed... Music.. movies.. tv... Commentary... 

I'm thinking about the bile of my life, those despicable actions I've committed against others. I have a deep remorse for those I've traumatized and to those that I could express that to, I have. It doesn't lessen the remorse. To be "that example". Humans are a not bueno species. Though how do you classify cancer as a species?

being able to write...

 So it feels frustrating at times... I think I finally am able to grasp this feeling.. this feeling of being on the cusp of something and feeling frustrated on not knowing how you got here or being able to express it more ... fuck.. eloquently doesn't seem like the correct one though it prolly is..

My response is probably one of the best things I've written... imo ooorrrr not crap i thought i read through that.. lazy fuck

http://www.japansubculture.com/the-amazing-japanese-wife-part-1/ 

So I'm doing a fair bit of research about Tokyo and also those who've already gone.

This is a more peripheral story..

Looking back on my years in Japan through the lens of the fucking idiot writing this story, I have to agree that all of the Japanese women that I met wanted to come to the states.  The problem was that once they got here they quit being Japanese.

 

LU

 

Sent from Mail for Windows

It's through these stories I learn what not to do.

You thinking of finding a nice Japanese jo-san for your next wife?  As I said before, once they get here they become Americanized very, very fast.  More than one GI regretted bring his shack job back.  Who wants an Americanized woman with whom you can’t communicate adequately.  In Japan it was ok, but here . . .

Yeah.. not saying it hasn't crossed my mind but reading this I also think well who's say I have to move from Japan?!? I've been doin a fair bit of reading both pros/cons and more or less, but I am resigned to being single for the time being. I honestly don't really want to get seriously involved with someone. Mostly from fear of my own doing, which I'm trying to unravel but not finding significant evidence to want to. I think I've read enough now that whether or not free will truly exists or that through effort and discipline can a person make meaningful change without being derailed by the universe?

Conscious choices.

Being alone sucks, constantly knowing about entropy and how all good things must come to an end... It's almost a choice at this point. Again fear of my own making. I'm trying to focus on doing and from what I've read it's typically lonely.  

But yeah definitely do not want an Americanized wife...Nor a servant.

Alex <alex.chavira@gmail.com>	Thu, Oct 20, 10:43 AM (1 day ago)
to Enrique
Henry	11:11 AM (1 hour ago)
to me
Alex <alex.chavira@gmail.com>	11:19 AM (55 minutes ago)
to Henry
Henry	11:56 AM (18 minutes ago)
to me
Alex <alex.chavira@gmail.com>	12:07 PM (7 minutes ago)
to Henry
Alex <alex.chavira@gmail.com>	12:08 PM (6 minutes ago)
to Henry

dido

I need to figure this out... Why I have this emotional reaction to Dido and it always relates back to P.

I want to say that I loved her... At some point.. but that'll require defining love and a whole bunch of other things... However I don't know 

I think loved her at some point but that went away... Where and when I have no clue

And as I sit in the back of this Uber hearing Steve Perry... Journey... Forever faithfully 

I'm a bit emotional... Though I think that is what could be clouding try to figure out P.

Conflating emotions... Journey is 80s and certain songs from that era will trigger me in a heartbeat.. 

But back to Dido... Certain triggers... 

P I fucking mentally abused her. Point blank. That is a regret that hangs like an albatross. I draw a blank on how I feel about her.. I care for her.. but not in an relationship manner.. as a person.. who I was attached to for well over 20+ years... We have experiences and I can't ... Form the words ... Why is she a conundrum? 

Guano

 So I'm listening to the Virgin Prunes... - Ulakanakulot + Decline and Fall

 

and was thinking how I miss the Fern's of yore.. when it was a punk bar not a who know what know.. all the old memorabilia gone.. gone.. so I was going if I had a bar it'd be a goth bar.. called Guano.. because if someone called looking you just answer they're deep in Guano. yeah... funnier in my head..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yW3z583xEpk&list=RDyW3z583xEpk&start_radio=1

 

working

 I find it humorous that after not working from July 2019 - Jun 21... and then working a no job job... Experian really was the least work I ever did for a gig to now working working-ish... it's interesting... when my depression isnt roosting i can actually enjoy it.

barely holding on

 I can't even formulate a concept idea to write about...

I'm really struggling at the moment with this all... I don't know why? I guess well there is a number of things.. and it's not like it's old shit.. past 3-5 years is still new.. hell this year.. all the shit that has happened this year alone...

I'm struggling.. and I'm by myself...

I've written about my reluctancy on relationships...

I'm listening to 38 Special and I'm crying my eyes out over something that I have no emotional connection aside from it being background noise for my childhood... I don't really like 38 Special... up there with Bob Seger for me.. not that I'm opposed to Southern rock.. just not my jam.. but I like it none the less.. they're good songs... 

So I'm thinking about all the shit that has happened this year... I'm done with un happy times.. and that's all I can see ahead of me.

I'm tired of watching life slowly fade... spring is gone, summer is a dream, fall has come and winter is here.

I need to read more... 

I've been wanting to do a musical retro.. but music really is too much of a trigger these days... couldn't even listen to Tex & The Horseheads without getting worked up.. thought other non emotionally connective music would help.. apparently not.. all this old shit just screams the past...

Musicians... having to play your greatest hits forever.. can't fathom doing that.. fuck I can barely fathom breathing.. let alone actual work.. i think that's what this is.. depression is a motherfucking bitch.. 

my past is a wasteland of destruction and for those around me.

I hate that I see the shit in everything... and I have this itchy feeling/belief/know know that there really is something to the notion of you make your own reality. Though I feel like that is dependent on a bajillion other things... and you have limits.

loneliness or not

So this one of the things that I don't know if I thank or loathe....

So I have these sad lonely feelings at the moment.. I think it's from the fact I miss my family... Despite the shit show that it is... I'm feeling very frustrated at the moment...

So I have these feelings.. sadness.. loneliness... Longing.. Fear.. 

Sadness because I don't like how things are... Things . More ambiguity... Me.. I don't like me.. is that what it is.. or just that I'm no longer the clueless self absorbed jackhole I once was... Honestly... I don't know.. I lean towards jackhole still...

I'm loneliness because we'll I'm alone... Truly alone . Not truly... But more than I like.. I hate that I want to be in a relationship but also totally afraid of another person.. fearful.. and now I don't know what is the reason... That said... Do I avoid others as a means to stay away and minimize damage from both sides... Though mainly from my fear of not wanting to hurt others.. or mostly so I don't get hurt?? I'm afraid to love? Knowing that reality is coupled with entropy... Do I use that as an excuse to avoid others... 

I love/loathe the past... Here we are again.. bittersweet... I've had way to much of you as of late... Though it's been more sour vs sweet..

I feel like I'm lying to myself... Again... 

This blockade... A facade ever present..

Twisting in my cortex..

Ever out of perception..

My brain is tired... How do others wrestle with Shakespeare/Socrates?

exist

Do we as humans react to our world in an attempt to accept it or is it more of an unconscious act of rebellion of it?

I write this thinking about egocentricity that is paramount in the survival of the self. It's built in.. it's evolution... Then we "have the ability to reason". Now this ability varies amongst the populis, though the vast majority have little any ( I include myself chief among them). Side note - I question my authenticity on this emotive perspective... In general I question my own legitimate questions, emotions, reactions to most things.. its a bit discomforting... As I'm not sure to what degree is it of my own or the culmination of my knowledge and experiences.. my biases.. pre dispositions... Even if and when I poorly attempt to wheigh matters through a skeptical logical lens... I find myself wondering is this real?? And the more come across other tid bits of information that more likely than not result in a bit of confirmation bias (fueled from science) I find myself becoming less enthusiastic about about reality. I've seen the magic trick and explored the meanings and explanations for it... Now having a big enough picture I've become disenchanted with it and now long for something new or to escape this nightmare. Entropy... Is the nightmare... But change is inevitable...

Though I also wonder how much is it of that damn med I'm on... Is this the answer to the melancholy?? 

............

So I'm having a moment... Thinking of the "trial" I had when I was 12/13... At Crossroads and being accused of events that did not happen. How fucked up that was and apparently was a key moment in my life considering I'm recalling it... And the emotions to boot. 

Feeling lonely as fuck, but at least I'm not in a position to hurt others.

habits

So I managed to commit to one activity outside... Trivia night... Sadly my restaurant of choice was closed.. I'm sitting at Lane 33.. and I find myself mindlessly searching for a ring no longer present...

Naruto

 Holy fuck.. 20 yrs..

and why the fuck does this hit soooooo damn hard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btCB_Kd0NDE

I really don't understand how something intangible could be the glue to a moment...

Naruto has a lot of meaning for me... 

one.. revitalizing my interest into anime and whatnot... but it also became a foundational aspect in a moment of my life.

it helped me get out of polarized thinking.. it helped me find strength within myself... it helped me see the world in a better way.. mostly via the underlying eastern philosophy embedded in the story itself.

Anime became part of the family... it created "bonds" (is a running theme in the manga/anime) with my kids.. family...

i miss them...

i miss that moment.. despite the hellscape that it could be at times...

I so was not expecting this emotional moment for the morning...

eeyore

Turn of phase...  Why bother.

So I'm a bit tired.

Physically

Mentally

And reflecting on my ever changing emotional state ...

I recall feeling happy.. joyful .

Now I want it all to end again.. not of my own hand but just seeing that life definitely seems futile... Why bother... Why exist if it typically turns to shit... But is that just my reality...  In that I get that one knows only what they've been exposed to... And my circumstances lead me to here... But knowing that.. it seems that is the struggle? Building something knowing it's not permanent ?!?!?

Is it the meds?? Terbinafine... That if you are reeeeeaaallllly tired it fucks with you even more so?? Seriously haven't felt this melancholic in forever... Bored out my gourd.. impatient at the situation of reality... Want to get to a different aspect.. juncture.. rhymes with puncture...

I was thinking about my present situation of not wanting to be alone... Feeling lonely as fuck... And very aware about it... Wanting to get "out there" but not wanting to bother... I hate people ... But is it just I hate that I know what I've done.. am capable of... And project that on to others...

Serially... No motivation... Feeling lazy.. and not productive which doesn't help my mood/mental state... Grin n bear it... Not 🐻..