I think I inadvertently made a movie...

 That or I'm just a moron..

I'm going with the latter but anywho..

I liked the film.. I need to throw it up on a proper video editor.. the phone is not working..

I think there are more than enough elements... it feels organic.. and deep.. or at least I thought so. It doesn't feel pretentious.. weird.. yes.. pretentious.. no.. 

I need TITLES!!!

ooohhh... 

soo yeah.. editing now. we'll see.

Evolutionary change in relationships

 So I'm rewatching Naruto and we are on the 4th visiting Naruto... 

And one of the underlying themes of the drive for Naruto is to hold on to the bonds that he has put together as he seeks to become the hokage (leader). 

I was thinking about how we as people.. as humans strive towards lasting bonds but typically we fail, I believe, in this endeavor as most bonds only seem to be superficially created or artificially. Especially as kids or young adults we don't know any better, we bond on commonalities, chance encounters, and cultural traditions.

What if it's this drive towards this manufactured reality that is awry?

Why do we have mechanisms built into us that are contrary to the laws (or appear that way) - 2nd Thermo... 

change is inevitable.. to push evolution forward we have to procreate.. we have physiological drives through out life.. all due to evolution.. reason.. evolutionary development of reason.... hhmm... more questions..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjlNzuB-cNQ

Totally digging this song..

Fishcake

 

My Nindo

 

I’m trying to figure out things and I think it just really fucking dawned on me atm the moment…

 

Plato’s cave

Trying to relate to others

Having other relate to me

 

So, there’s this part in the allegory (PC) where the one who is now free returns only to be ridiculed.

Is it our imagination that lets us dream for more than this?

 

And being in a low point at the moment I’m rewatching what fixes that mood. Re watching Naruto…

As dorky as it sounds, it realigns my mental state.

Baka

I’m in this weird state at the moment… I have this sour feeling in my body.. and not sour in the pleasant sense… it’s mixed in with grief and sorrow and bitterness and pain.. my body is still prone to physically feeling stress in my shoulders  and neck.. but I can be hopeful. So that’s the sourness I guess..

I get these waves of self-reassurance of knowing (I hope) that I’m doing what I know (key phrase) based on what I’m starting to learn. I’ve just begun to understand myself

 

Finding what helps

 So part of the process of finding out who you are as a person is knowing yourself...

Part of knowing who you are is also knowing what helps.. it's pretty easy to see what doesn't help, the stressful situations that life brings us. We all react to stress in varying degrees all the same.

Stress for me at the moment is knowing I'm powerless.. absolutely powerless, but I think I fell into a situation I may have been able to avoid...

So maybe I need to back off on communication.. that is.. hmmm.. I'm wanting to back off from being too in depth as I feel it's difficult to communicate to others... knowing your audience...

 

more things I need to think about... knowing my audience...

 

So for finding out what helps...

 

Times when nostalgia can help...

Naruto - this show holds a foundational go to to get refocused... 

South Park - aside from a few other connections... SP .. especially the early years are amazing.

 

So this is one of the things I'm needing to keep in mind... I need to revisit foundational topics from time to time...

 

 

Ideas - The Best That We Could

 I'm stressed at the moment.. .5 mg xan.. a joint or 2 ....  and my iced coffee...

I really am at wits end so to speak.. but as I think about it I think it's just me being a bit a of a drama queen yet again...

I have a accented idea for looking up moments in pop culture.. tv.. movies.. of parents breaking down to their kids about "we did the best that we could".....

If I can pull together a bunch of clips... I know I've seen a number of them.. I need to do a bit of digging..

ouchie oww oww

 So I'm trying to deal with it...

It being all the current shit to come to the surface...

So I had worked myself up a week or so ago.. and then the X stuff the month before.. and not getting jobs... Losing job.. divorce... Health... Everything over the past 6 mos..

My stress levels pegged out.. laymen term for those familiar with analog gauges.

 

So  I'm very much if the mind that good things and bad things can happen during/before/after stressful events... How does one respond?

That's the wisdom here right??

That's the adapt or change.. the evolutionary drivers..

Knowing who you are prepared you for the change moments.. it's these moments.. these experiences that change us...

I'm solidly of the mind that that is.. my current belief... About existence

thin lizzy

 Whiskey in Jar 

First introduced when i worked at the shipping job with John Cordova..  he introduced me to a good portion of 70's rock.. 

So as I'm thinking about stuff.. again.. about life.. and people.. and evolution..

The drive to adapt is built in.. that's the evolutionary drive.. it's modern society, starting waaay back with developing cities and formulating means and methods to govern.. but actually even to the pre-civ bands and their semi permanent societies...

So be like water... Go with the flow.. but not..

Adapt to the situation.. how.. by training.. how.. self discipline.. focus.. reading.. questioning.. building skills that matter..

I was getting a bit mopey hearing the song.. but it went a different road... So this is where I have to keep saying that revisiting ones past is not bad overall.. dwelling on the negative and not embracing it... To not let it consume you but to know and understand it... Fear is the mind killer.

See pop culture coming to mind.. relating.. for those familiar. See.. more understanding..

 

 

on what level do you relate...

 So I'm always struggling with knowing that how we as humans communicate is shit... seriously.. because the more I think about things... the totality of existence.. me, myself, & the universe...

I'm stuck inside here.... and even though I guess you could say i have a bit of an education.. I'm a fucking moron.. as a species.. holy shit.. homo sapiens are some seriously dumb motherfucking primates...

but so are most animals if you use a human context to measure them by.. and not.

Because it's obvious that we as a species now DOMINATE this planet and as such have practical dominion over it all. Which is also the arrogance of humanity, we are driven by fear... anxiety... fomo.. keeping up with the jones's... and it's exacerbated by our physiology, our ignorance of ourselves, our ignorance of the people around us, our ignorance of our privileged statues, ignorance exacerbated by the driving forces of consumerism, capitalism, constant fear mongering, dictatorships run amok in the world - supported/created/founded on capitalist interests.

What does the word blue conjure to your mind... 

for me it represents many possible things, all with a interesting story based in reality, based on science. 

Science is the only mechanism in which we can measure reality in an unbiased way, this is due to the built in logical mechanisms/steps/procedures required - one of which is called peer review. It must pass peer review to be considered as following a logical scientific process. Peer review is essentially having your homework checked by someone who knows and understands the topics in the hypothesis - the main idea you are testing via the scientific method.

for me i after 48 years feel that I can understand things a bit better now.. i don't want to.. but I realize that I have to.. I want to crawl back into that bottle of pleasant experiences... and wallow in a vintage nostalgic circle jerk.. it done.. yes.. but it's also still very much a part of me.

But I'm also done.. I think I have this subconscious fantasy of a bookshop/lounge with a bohemian gothy vibe. I know my subconscious is very distorted due to my childhood bullshit.. I have moments of defaulting judgements.. that is not being 100% on critical thinking in ALL matters... I typically filter in dealing with rhetoric from others.. attempting to be conscious of my actions.. surroundings.. 

 

The brain is having to process a bajillion things all at once... the air pressure around you... the temperature.. the amount of light... the breathable air... what is in your field of vision...

 

regulate body temp.. the new synaptic information coming constantly with your brain processing it faster than anything we have currently in a microprocessor. Quantum is around the corner...

 

breathing, heart rate, all the different systems, in a exponentially growing process, delegated to evolution... time... chaos.. 

 

so for me the color blue... it's captured in more than just a color, it describes things found here on Earth, both natural - Blue Danube, blue waters, blue stones, blue flowers, blue animals.. blue eyes.

 

And self made - blue art, blue music, blue poetry, blue paintings, blue emotions... 

The feeling of blue can be both cool and refreshing or cold and heavy. Knowing how to describe your emotions to your surroundings.. your experiences.. to the shared experiences with other we hope to connect with...

My thoughts

 so the embryonic thoughts that sprout from time to time..

like right now I'm fucking struggling.. i'm reallllly fucking stressed... and I know it's outta my control.. but I'm just pouring too much emotion into the thought process... I'm getting a bit overboard on the identifying with others moments.. and it being 99% family is not helping...

I had some other thoughts but I don't know... 

I know pain...

and I know that I have been the one to cause pain...

and I know that I was who I was, not really my fault, but I have to bear some responsibility...

The phrase "ignorance of the law is no excuse".... why is this? Holy shit what a rabbit trail...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ignorantia_juris_non_excusat

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jurisprudence

 

 

 

So this idea I've been floating around.. my view on things.. if there's a reductionism/chaostheory/closed system - powered by evolution..

 

and we know that for an organism to thrive.. not just survive.. it needs ideal conditions.

 

This goes for all plants.. and animals.

 

So we need to create the ideal conditions..

 

the ideal conditions would be a social organization based on insect colony structures... NOT VERBATIM... but emulated to some degree.. not a hive mind but individual communities, partial-self governance/social-democracy hybrid. Standardized "thriving" communities, shared responsibilities, no exploitation of people, or the planet. Evolved education, that brings families together. Skills will be family & community based taught, civil corp conscription, mil conscription.

Give the opportunities to all.. and all can thrive.

The problem is... it can't happen at the moment.. maybe possibly it's in another alternate universe.. maybe thousands or more years in the future. Maybe never.

Evolution will continue..  the estimated 5 billion more years for Earth's Sun before it kaput's. Where will humanity be in the next 100+ years...

Right now I want to leave.. but I don't have that option.

I've probably said this more than once... or not.. Is this it? 

I remember the various moments when I stepped into something over my head.. or at least a few..

The job at Boeing.. I was hired for my "VBA skills"... I'm a moron.. I didn't know jack shit about VBA.. it was the bullshit "script kiddie" giggles of maybe 50 lines of code to change colors on the screen or some other bullshit. I still to this day struggle with code.. it's like I see it.. but it's not making sense.. I follow along.. but I can't visualize the code.. well sorta..

I had a breakdown at the job... they were expecting changes to the code that ran this report... I stalled for 9 months till I found something else... Pacificare.

That I sorta could do.. it was mostly admin type work.. spreadsheets, word, graphs, reports... I learned that at Ingram Micro..

I want to puke right now... 

I need to move forward... i have to move forward... 

I have to use it all.. all these embryonic skills....

some are...

devastated... gutted.. gravital... that's my word...

to feel gravital is to feel the weight of your being.. essence.. soul being pulled by gravity itself. It's the numbing grief of gravity upon yourself.

this empty void of numbness.. the radiating strain on my shoulders of the weight of powerlessness.. the constant reminder.

I do dwell on this a bit too much... it is a bittersweet trap and one I'm no longer wanting to partake as much as of late.. but I have to change.. it's what evolution dictates.. and while I have barely a synapse to spare in contemplating this I know I have to be better..  but how do you better in the face of uncertainty.. when the ship of opportunity has appeared to sail off long ago.. or has it?

I hate how I can see possibilities and probabilities (talking out my ass on that last part).. more like educated guesses coupled with my inherent biases.. I can only move in a direction I am aware of.. what is part of my knowledge base.. which is why I have to constantly be looking to adapt.. 

It's not that I don't want to have a cry or a melt down.. or take a vacation.. or drive a car that is mine or help..

I feel like I'm up a creek.. I think.. I think think think.. that I have all the skills I need to succeed at something of my own doing.. it's full time.. I get it.. but what else am I gonna do.. full time as long as stuff is selling..

I need to spend some time reading here soon... and chop chop.. back on track..

dealing with oneself

 So I know who I am... As far as I know..

I'm sure there's some aspects I could be overlooking but I think... Overall i know who I am.. i know I need to change and adapt to reality as it changes.. as evolution dictates.. my inability to change... Every person born after you, before you, represents a change towards the reality you share. My inability to change and adapt prevents me from living a life that corresponds to reality as noted by science. And if evolution is the driving mechanism being reality... Well what does it tell me? Read this.. educate oneself about these matters.. astrophysics.. geology..biodiversity.. there's this whole amazing reality in science... That's the hope.. because good/bad it's facts.. regardless of opinion.. repeatable facts..

Thats the rub.. my perception. My reality is not your reality.. the life event that shaped who you are, coupled with genetics.

State of Mind

 Thank you wine

So i wa thinking.. it's a state of mind.. you need to proved yourself the education/experience..

fuck it really seems to be a crap shoot.. because not everyone... hmmm I question that line of thinking.. 

I need a philosophical chat..

how much knowledge (education/experience) does one need to be sufficiently aware...

what is sufficiently aware?

how does one state/describe sufficiently to another the "big picture of life/reality"? So they are "in sync"? (not the band)

and what does why search provide...

https://philosophynow.org/issues/139/How_Do_We_Understand_Each_Other

a bit of a answer... i cry.. i cry out of sorrow and out of joy and out of fear and stress and love and hope.. and I laugh at the same time.. this is to be human.. this rush... i'm a bit high.. i've had some wine.. i feel these emotions.. these tears.. this stress.. and I embrace it because that's what i have right now.. i see what I can..  a recent divorcee about to turn 49... the ex is turning 50.. the kids are a mess mostly.. and I have to move to FUCKING TEXAS!!!

Why.. for the grandkids... it'd be a hassle if they moved.. now to get KnH...

there is a trauma in moving.. I'm not wanting to have the kids go through that.. yes I'm aware of KnH... hence best case is not without pain..

 

 

Triggered!

 So I'm attempting to make a historical pop culture reference list for myself.. what my childhood was spent watching growing up.

BUT APPARENTLY!!

I'm not able to do this... why? COPPA...Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act

 

What the fuck in fucking fuck is this bullshit!?!?!

 

I get the impression this is one of those THINK OF THE CHILDREN moments in history and what fucking fucked.. fuck.. so triggered..

YouTube.. today's society.. holy shit.. i get it. get it.. get it..

it's always been a motherfucking class war.. always has been!

soooooo triggered...

 

Old man shaking fist meme...

cycles & frequencies & rhythms ... Oh My!

 just more thought on the everything is evolution...

elemental spin

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spin_(physics)

Just as there are micro aspects about evolution - characteristics/behaviors - I see these in the macro world as well... the eternal fractal of behaviors and characteristics about life...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reductionism

 

again... I'm just getting started... I do contend that my idea could fall apart or change based on new info.. but it's exciting none the less..

Look at the info... 

Overwhelmed

 Shoulders are heavy.. There's a stress there absolutely...

and i do find my self taking deep breaths more so often throughout the day...

I don't feel overwhelmed.. so I need to take a break before I get there... absolutely..

but I can't break break.. because i can't escape my mind.. so I take a break.. which I think I did.. but again.. I can't run from my mind..

I'm confronted with things.. things I don't know and things I know and i have to reconcile the two.. constantly.. 

this is why I'm tired.. even when I'm not thinking my brain is still trying to keep my reality pieced together , every new piece of information that conflicts with the current paradigm gets processed one way or another.. depending on what our education is and our experiences.. the foundational education/experiences coupled with our personality/psychological traits guide us one way or another on the path of humanity.

I've taking this silly test a number of times... and each time I take it it's a different personality... which leads me to believe that I have a cycle of personalities... I have this evolution tied to reality idea...

so for instance something either is or is not... and if it is then the properties and characteristics of it are theirs alone.. 1 is 1, not 2 or 3, you are you, there is no clone that you are aware of right?

so as we are in a closed system of reality, everything interacts with each other, that is. EVERYTHING is a part of the machine of life.. evolution.

As everything in existence is made up of matter, including thoughts. Sooooo if we are in a machine of sorts... driven by the rules of chaos/evolution... we know through science that to an extent we can effect the machine (climate change), why wouldn't we be able to guide it??

Though this would be a herculean effort... requiring an punctuated equilibrium type evolutionary moment in humanity that increased critical thinking skills to the masses, coupled with an education equal to 25 years... but I don't see that happening.

I break the world down to an evolutionary angle.. not just the biological.. social.. relationships.. personal growth.. 

my journey stops when I do.. and personal enrichment/introspection won't stop.. if life is about change then i have to be able to adapt to that change...

And I sit here knowing that I have to write all this down...

and I too tremble in fear and uncertainty as to how to do..when I know.. I know I know.. and I laugh at it.. as the tense giddyness I feel is still present.. I laugh with delight.. I laugh with fear.. I laugh with hope.. and I sigh at the hope.. the hope that I can have something worthwhile.. it's going to be a rough road ahead... but I know I know I know!!! Though I don't.. I know. It's about the journey...

 

I'm ignorant... but I have science to guide me along the way. Socrates would loathe & enjoy today, I but I get the impression he'd also long for that last drink as well. The sheer level of madness today and it goes unquestioned.

 

There was a Tweet I saw one time that also helped a bit to put this into perspective... 

Personalities type quizzes are a bit of today's Biorhythm/ Horoscope