dystopian reality we live in

 Sitting at AUS waiting for my flight.. they have a reworded "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" jingle.

stress

 My shoulders are tense, stressed out from the holidays. I feel so out of aorts that i still can't adequately describe my frustrations and exhaustion these past 10 days. Feelings of disgust with myself and others, resentment towards family and others, not too mention zero patience with kids atm.  I never thought I'd get here... Especially with the grandkids. My self centered tendencies aggravate me, I'm fairly disgusted with myself and feel like every time I see the family it's just a shut fest and makes me not want to bother.

fuck xmas

 Fucking OFFICIALLY hate holidays.

D O N E 

Over this shit. Yesterday attempted to discuss the phone situation with P. Only to have T act as a ref an J as ignorant gaurd dog. Fucking steaming still after that shit.

D O N E

topics

 Weird fucking headache...

And I'm apparently fucking irritated ATM as this POS device doesn't work as should.

Topical ideas and needing to research.

Learning to celebrate others successes....

 I had a Mother that talked smack about any ones success.. I say had but she may still be alive as of this post. Haven't spoken to her in 24+ years, some people are like cancer and have to be removed if you want to live.

Being the piece of shit that I am I also talked shit about other's successes, I never had an sense of support from my parents that I recall outside of I was their child they loved, but clueless in the fact of how to effectually raise a child. I get it, holy shit do I fucking get it know, having gone through my own fucking history of bullshit. I have something here... This is what I need to expand on, this here.. ooh.. what is this..

I never wanted to be a part of groups with other people I knew unless it wasn't about me, holy shit - some self revelation shit here. There were certain people I tended to gravitate towards, people broken just like me if not worse - aka assholes. So says the behavioral science does it not? Trauma bonding? Couple that with latchkey kids in a suburban landscape of 1980's So California. Kids left to there own devices, unsupervised... lol - GET OFF MY LAWN!!

I was that kid who was dumpster diving at 4, almost burned my house down at 4. All the horrible shit I did to the neighborhood I lived in, to others I sorta knew, and all of which more or less directly attributable to my parents. Granted if things had been different I also would be different, as it's our experiences that shape us. Our day to day mundane processing of events, the degree to which we pursue an understanding of this world, the degree to which we seek a well balanced world view of human history and the reality around us vs "that's just how we do it".

Practicing English composition is on my list of to do's.. in fact I need to get one started.. and it's done

I have a lot of shit to do before I leave.. or do I.. sort of somewhat.. hmmm.

Unoriginal Know-nothing

 So I'm leaning towards a project.. a reference project so to speak and it's going to take quite a bit.. because I'm gonna have to do the research on it..

A reference guide to important habits, behaviors of historical figures over time... five buck says this has already been compiled somewhere by someone already.. again the title.

So it'll be an accompaniment to my story... which is pointless and really garbage.. but fuck my head I'm gonna write it anyway.

Levels of Understanding

 So I'm coming to terms with levels of understanding, that is just when I think I have a decent grasp on something (I'm finding that I'm not nearly as well versed as I thought I was). The more I learn the more I realize we know nothing. As each person's experience on what life is is really different. That's probably one of the most frustrating things. Using words for emotions, I have to share my words with you and hope that my words affect you as they do as I'm thinking them. I want to cry right now just thinking at the frustration that I feel ... (irrational) knowing that you won't. Is that a good bad thing? (don't get me started on that phrase I just used - good bad)

Why is individuality a "good thing"? It's an accepted reality that those who stand out will either be a) dismissed/rejected and/or embraced/idolized. (I'm now questioning why I chose these examples.) My reasoning is based on animal behaviors, survival of those most adaptable to change, but these are base primal instincts/behaviors, however there is also a social component that's involved that should be included. I'm sure there's a ton of other sub specialties that should be included. My point is, If the underlying component is survival and those most adaptable to it, then wouldn't it behoove me to better myself in a capacity that allows me to better those around me. I'm using the air mask logic air. In the event of emergency an air mask will deploy from the compartments above. PLEASE PUT ON YOUR MASK FIRST BEFORE HELPING OTHERS.

But I feel guilty and ashamed and not worthy??? that's not it, I feel that there are others who would be better suited but what the fuck is this.. an epiphany at my own arrogance yet again. I hate always having this feeling of being trapped by my own ignorance (& irrationality at times aka drama queen)... that no matter what I learn or think I learn that it's still 100% bullshit.. to some extent.. not the knowledge.. me.. that I'm trapped... These words are not even really here, but for the reality I'm writing them they are. 

What is the background noise.. why is silence so loud?

I want to violate my programming...

I will live by my own policies...

 Maybe it sounds mean.. but I really don't think so.

I'm finding myself being really over emotional at the moment with this on...

I was working at the Wherehouse in Newport with Warndahl... this was 16ish.. post high school around then..

I liked it.. came out same time as NIN PHM. 

I heard this all the time back then when I was working there and the singles and I had heard the first album.. Lion/Cobra. abbv..

I love hate this time frame.. why do I love to hate on my past as if I would have done things different... why am I even going there..where ever there is.. this if only I'd known attitude.. shitting on some really great times only for a handful of dramatically painful moments.. Maybe that why I fell in love with the Post Punk/Goth thing... explains why I like all the other really mopey/sad songs from other genres...

Homework triggers

 So I'm trying to finish up this class I'm taking.. and we are covering Bach right now and I'm thinking on how I've heard a number of Bach pieces and I love the Cello ones.. but over all I don't think I've found something that has caught my ear... and that is usually the case with most things.. what tickles our fancy atm. So my ADHD is what it is and I'm trying to work on it.. in fact I need to address it for next year when I get back... speaking of which. 

Prelude in C Minor.. now this I like. I may have heard it and I'm pretty sure I have. This is like.

Here's what prompted me from my homework...

"Because polyphony permeates much of his work during an era when most other composers were moving toward a more homophonic style, Bach's musical style may be viewed either as centuries ahead of its time or, as many did after his death, as a relic of the polyphonic music of an earlier period. Even works that are not strictly polyphonic, such as the famous Prelude in C major, have a thickness of texture not found in the music of most of his contemporaries."

Thickness of texture, specifically I understand this to be the fullness of the sound. That is how much the tonal range in your ear, that you perceive to be encompassing a majority of the sound range in your ear. This due to the different pitches, harmonies, and instruments. When I listen to Prelude in C Minor, I hear the successive notes being played constantly filling up the space with notes. The sustain on that one note...

Loss

 I'm trying to watch Kimetsu no Yaiba season 2, but I'm thinking about the kids.

I'm thinking about what I want to say to them, but I'm breaking down in tears attempting to write just what I was thinking about. I'm in pain because I know that pain of ignorance.. the ignorance of being human. The tears I have now are are my empathy.. they are what I've learned over the years. the emotions that drive us.. the motivations of regret.. this is the struggle I have. And with a deep breath I remember acceptance.. and that the past is and forever always the past... 

Memories are of benefit if they bring one to a better understanding of themselves, a moment of reflection for either the positive or not so positive times.

I want to tell them that loss is a huge key to understanding ones humanity. The more painful the loss the more sober one becomes of reality and of others. Yet I feel all the more hypocritical for wanting to even to discuss knowing damn full well my selfish tendencies and my history alone would damn me lifetimes over. I want to yell at them as they would yell at themselves... like any sane person does to themselves.

I want to give them hope.. why do I call it hope even though I see things not so hopeful. I say it's hope because in my opinion and the things I've read from others.. this is how I see the connections. Through history & science.

Talking about one is a bit of a misnomer and those of a quick wit should see that, while I have clearly pointed out two reference topics, they are actually just parent topics to a whole list of children subtopics that one should have an idea about. Though the premise is this...

We are born, not of any choice of our own and fighting and arguing against our existence is futile and pointless. There is not magic, there are no fairies, or dragons, aside from those in our imagination. No magic will save you, not even religious magic because that's essentially what it is.

Your are then thrown to the wolves essentially with the rest of humanity, depending on where you live on this planet has a huge importance. The knowledge and understanding you gather about who you are the world you live in and the social customs and the local history will all play a part on who are as a person. They will shape your worldview.

Conversely you will be brainwashed to a certain extent, aka conditioned. How you view others, yourself compared to others. What you accept as acceptable behavior, your familial/social education ... these things are all taught to us by age seven. We've become used to the world around us and it's technology and it's social customs to some extent (typically of age relevance).

 Then at some young age you are sent to a public school if available, otherwise you are probably helping with the work either at home or around where you live. Education is a privilege for many... even the piss poor one we get here in the US.

 

Having to see the world as a spectrum... that typically ever topic has a spectrum to it - polarizing ideas on either end of the topic. Somewhere in the middle lies the answer, and there are skills that can help you find them, there are others that can give you the answers... there are others who have struggled and wrestled with what it means to be human... the things is you have to go out and read what they wrote. You can't just read somebody's condensed version of their interpretation of it. This is fundamental for one to be able to create their own referential wide spectrum of understanding as it relates to the world around us. 

The proverbial viewing the world as a picture puzzle, and while you are given a modicum of pieces to start with through the behaviors of those you lived with, went to school with or spent and significant amount of time with. They would help to define, give pieces of the world view picture to your puzzle. 

Having enough pieces one begins to gain a sens of confidence sometimes, but I've found or at least it seems to appear that there's this serendipitous moment of fate for some, and miraculous moments for a handful.  I firmly believe that these could be replicated, given the right conditions. This would entail a fundamental shift in humanities level of education & self awareness that I don't see happening in my lifetime or the next 100. If the small percentage of historical figures that I have read about, and of those that displayed or seemed to display a level of self awareness then compared that to the rest of humanity and at the growth rate... short of a cataclysmic event, war, or other epidemic that decimates the majority of the human population. Don't see it happening... being that we are in a dystopia..

I wanted to write about loss.. about how loss was a huge catalyst for my empathy.. the handful of mental breakdowns I've had as a parent.. regarding my children. They humble us.. they reduce our ego to something manageable? 

 

I feel like I'm digressing.. and not happy with my tamales.

Thinker n' Tinker

 Silliness...

Capitalist supporters think it's bliss... yet we are told that ignorance is bliss as well.

Essential Meaning of bliss
: complete happiness 

Their religion promises eternal bliss 

[=joy] in heaven. marital/wedded/domestic bliss 

[=complete happiness in marriage] Relaxing on the porch of our private villa was sheer bliss.

Repetition

 Here we are again.. My oldest is back in the hospital. Less than a month since he got out? If I dwell on it I will drown in the vacuum of space that would be my sadness. I can see a dark path of despair and dread and sorrow and anguish if I tread down that way. I retreat as I can, but there is this magnetic like pulling upon my being that wants to consume me. That endless cycle of self despair with no end, just moments of a gasped breath and usually when you think you can't hold your head above water you find a piece of flotsam. Though depending on how the flotsam is constructed if may as well be cotton candy. There is no substance to it and the reality you thought you had disappears before you in a flash. 

Yet if you manage to move and not just tread water you will find that there is land and a peace that can be obtained but that is dependent on how vigilant you are on your self awareness. Self awareness vigilance entails a comprehensive re-education, self discipline, and a strong sense of curiosity. These are self taught, just as those famous and well know people of history endeavored to do.

Know I want to add a caveat here... I firmly believe that if you are in a state of comfort there is no room for growth. If you don't question your habits & behaviors and ask if these are furthering your goal why do them. This is not to say that one isn't allowed a bit of free time, just be mindful that one doesn't occupy more time. It's all about balance, sometimes you may need to have to devote a large amount of time to one particular endeavor, but also take the same time to decompress. Enjoy life, experience it. This is how you get a greater understanding of you and the world around you. This is where having a greater depth of knowledge starting with a Classical Education... yes just like B Franklin did. Learning from those leaders of the past, reading about governments, art, culture, customs. Then seeing that the contemporary view really isn't so different.

I'm a novice.. I'm late to the game on this. I've fantasied for so long about doing more.. being more.. that I pigeon hole myself on my own aspirations.. I don't like the spotlight.. I don't feel like I can relate to people.. I'm a bit intense in conversations with others... Why is it that I say that I can't relate to others... Why is it that I feel (there's psychological/sociological component here if I recall... narcissism? ) that even though I know I have very similar childhoods with others - latchkey kid/broken home/etc. That my experiences have shaped and molded me to where I am now. I've been smug as hell lately, my patience with roomies is wearing thin. Yet if I'm to understand any of the history and human behavior and psychology and etc... that I've learned over the years I get it... they haven't reached a bottom or they have resigned. Is that they only two options? It's like they have bought into the bullshit reality that is life and from what I've seen of the day in day out same behavior for over 2 years now... certain assumptions are made or is it extrapolations. 

Not all seed that falls to the ground will germinate and not all the germinates will grow and not everything that grows will bloom. It takes careful guidance, cultivation, and effort on ones own part to make something of themselves. There is not magic event that is going to change your situation. You need to strip away everything that you think you know in a Cartesian manner. Learn how to use critical thinking skills, they are not inherent. And here is the arrogance that I sense... that I can do something. Is that arrogance?

Is wanting to do something arrogant? Only if you think that you will see any results... but then why attempt this? 

Got tamales to make...

Competent

 I've come to this realization today that (I think I've had it before) I'm fairly competent at cooking or at least following a recipe enough to know how to process it.. what techniques I can do adequately and tonight the soup came out amazing.. French Onion from the NY Times. Seriously almost 30 years of try to learn how to cook and I can say I'm somewhat competent. I love cooking....

Thank you Miriam.. your gift of books got me started and your cooking helped me learn you can have good food at home.

latchkey kids

 Kids left to fend for themselves... Typically doesn't fare well.

 

I was one and boy oh boy did I get into trouble. I started at an early age though... Neglect will have an effect.