Feels So Good - Chuck Mangione [FULL VERSION]

I feel good right now. Also this is a nostalgia song, but before the teen years. It makes me feel happy/sad... good happy/sad.



Playing some D&D and fairly baked. Things are in some aspects pretty shitty, but I'm doing what can be done.



I do feel I need to explain something and I got distracted so now I forgot.

Draggin a wagon

aka a person with a big ass.

Pit

So I'm continuing to have this "guilty feeling" or "gnawing" in the pit of my stomach... It could be anxiety...


that is all.

Jayson McConnell

For some reason I associate this with him... a friend from Serrano and before I went off the rails. Same with him, shortly before me he showed up to school drunk as a skunk. Then it was off to Phoenix House with him and I never saw him again.



Again I find myself on the verge of tears... nostalgia... why.. why does anything from the past trigger me.... well not anything.... just those things that I hold deep to my teenage years...



Fuck... anything that brings back the nostalgia of the 80's does it for me. Music especially.....



I have one really profound memory in my head of McConnell.... up in his room listening to music, Berlin, Smiths... and him showing an unfinished stipple portrait that he was doing of Jimi Hendrix.



I believe it was for his Dad... Craig(?). Card tricks... he knew card tricks and also had a C64. Borrowed a few games from him, learned a few programming tricks. Poke...

Anime lead....

Something Enma anime... 3rd episode this was featured,,,, the song not the video.



Very hauntingly beautiful... the sad happy... the burns in your mind for a thousand lifetimes type of feeling.



Again I find myself on the verge of tears... but it's a sadness, a real sadness at this realization. This bitter sadness about life and all that it is.



I'm thinking I need to pay attention to the words that I say aloud. I've been very verbal about the level of stress I'm currently under and I think I need to pay attention and perhaps try to make some sort of correlation/connection with feelings and actions.



I'm not content... I'm just having to accept that there is very little I can do without a steady, reliable, and adequate stream on income. I'm in that boat, I know my skills. I know who I am....



Sadly I am dictated by my primal emotions, food. I am wondering now how much I rewired my brain, with an early and persistent use of cannabis in my early teens. Resuming periodically in the 20's and then full time in my 30's. Corner of Oxford & Hanover.... first time I smoked weed and started down a path of experimenting with life.

Learning is good...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_congressional_committee


I went on search for something and ended up on if both the house & senate have the same committees? As in is there an obvious redundancy between them.

And now I don't remember...

 something about anxiety??

too baked at the moment..

Anxiety

So I'm day 2.. 3 no mota...

Not really having the depressive feelings at the moment.. but am having anxious feelings going on.

Not sure if its Xander's recent hospitalization or that whole scenario or what. Maybe everything...

Thanks for my Pop (again) helping on car insurance.

I need this Disney job... the $$ will help take care of everything I need it to. I hope.

I'm needing to take care of things so i can make some $$ while working less.

Powerlessness

Knowing full well the mental malady that afflicts your children has to run it's course of whatever actions they take when they are adults.

Those who accept and have the strength to move forward and those who are aware they feel powerless against it's effects.

I really wonder how this is going to play out with me. I wonder how this is affecting me....

how will I be able to support anyone... let alone myself.

Knowing that I don't know if my boy will be alive in the next year and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

The family status

So where to recap....

where should I actually start....


I was originally going to make another self absorbed post about what triggers me and why the fuck it's so god damned hard to avoid, but also maybe some more self realization... am I that asshole that people avoid or are the majority of people just that unfucking interesting?

I have a multi volume set on my own cringe worth moments, I don't really think I'm better than others, I'm just flabbergasted at how dumb the majority of others are and yes I use dumb versus ignorant. As most people don't give a rat's ass outside their own interests (myself included) to be bothered to educate themselves on what it means to exist on this planet. I'm talking about going past the day to day pop culture/internet fueled mass media consumption. Is everyone just as fucked up?

I absolutely believe they are, look at who's president. Shudder.

Too many people want to take a back seat to reality, ignore the facts of evidence, and deny reason. Generation after generation, though not at the pace of evolution, society has clawed it's way towards something better. I'm pondering at the possibilities of why reality exists, and exactly what it is.

Why are humans seemingly afflicted with the mental illness of being human.

So what triggers me....

80's nostalgia

Really wanted to watch this episode again, but my emotional state won't permit it. I really hate being held hostage to something "trivial(?)".


I've also realized that words really are terrible at conveying feelings and emotional intent. That or I'm too lazy to put down in words a fully coherent paragraph to adequately convey what I write.

Fine...

trivial.... There is a double meaning here. Quotes are to indicate a bit of sarcasm, while the question mark is being honest and asking if that's really true.

Does that make sense.. is it clear now?

Is it "trivial" - that is to make fun of "walk it off" types

Is it trivial? - that is express my concern about this and wonder how long is this going to last? Will I always react this way to anything from my past?

I want to cry all the time still.



So the status...

Left NC the Friday after Thanksgiving last year. Helped everyone else to Tx, drove by myself to Ca.

My oldest son is going through his own mental issues, I'm jobless, behind on car payments, and I'm not changing any day soon apparently, some really shitty habits. I want to and then say fuck it. So I guess I don't want it. I know my anxiety is in full gear, but this indica probably sin't helping the eating habits.

I needed a job last month... I'm going to be fucked here pretty soon unless I can get some cash soon.

Oranges = Soccer

Oranges are forever equated with my childhood and playing soccer. They are best when they are chilled and peeled. Softball size is best also.

So have been pretty good, had a bit of sugar the past few days. Extra sugar in the coffee, dairy has been brought to a standstill. I still need to tweak it a bit, I'm cutting chorizo out for now, cholesterol's and all. More seafood, but what. Tilapia is pricey as fuck now, hell all food is pricey as fuck now. It's outrageous, I now worry about having no money at all now. I'm totally outta shape and I know it, I'm waiting...

No I'm not, I've been sticking to this diet pretty well, I have cut out processed foods, and haven't had any major sweets in almost a week?  When did I start this?  Feb 4th... last tortilla was 2 days before that.. flour... had corn recently in the grilled fish tacos, those turned out good but it needed crema, chipotle mayo isn't the same. Maybe some swordfish next time? It's usually $10/lb.. sale price.

Need to look up vegetarian Mexican, sans R&B.

hhmmm.... Thai grilled chicken... Vietnamese? Wanting that flavor profile. Maybe easy cheap chicken satay, salad and soup? pickles?

Still Corners - The Trip

Heilung | LIFA - Krigsgaldr LIVE

Still Corners - Black Lagoon (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

This band has that sound.... this ethereal sound to them. It's an 80's sound I'm finding that's all it takes to set me off..





I'm trying to enjoy new music.... and I can't even do that.

Is it a flame/moth thing?

Why do I waltz into these scenarios?



Though I do have some more information....



I recall seeing this opening night with Spam and B Enigma... Mann's Chinese... Hollywood.







I hate people, because I assume they are just as worthless as myself and I hate myself.

Knife Block Idea

So I'm still going with the knife block idea....

you pull out a knife and it gives the quintessential 'snik' of a sword unsheathing. Sure you could make custom sounds.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqujcCBgwkU

Dreampop

Have been revisiting music and branching out from my comfort zone. After 40+ years of listing to music I know what I like and what I don't. I'm glad that I can fins new music, despite the bittersweet emotions they conjure up.





Had a crazy idea about putting together an actual meaningful list of songs by decade by century.



1- Most popular song during said decade

2 - Your favorite song from said decade

3 - Most underrated song of  said decade





and now that I write it out... it's not really feasible, music isn't the same since it's now able to be reproduced in an audible format.



I think maybe I had some thoughts crossing there... 

Dorohedoro

Intro for this anime... gonna have to read now.

Late 80's

Having a hard time with everything at the moment.



I had a good time earlier (RPG), but once again.. once the party is over... I can't cope with shit. I hated and loved my youth. I'm tired of complaining... tired of not being able to "move on".



I can't stop thinking about the past.

First that... now this...

I don't know if it's really anything new. I've always had an issue with nostalgia, the years have come and gone and now I'm looking the down the dark tunnel of just being alone and getting older.

It's doesn't help that I can't listen to almost any music from my past, at least the music that quantified my youth. The music that matters and the ancillary noise that paints a familiar picture into the past.

Even now, Jane's Addiction, a band I had no strong connection with. I listened to them on occasion nothing serious. Musically they are a phenomenal band, one that (IMO) I wish they did more, even if I didn't really listen to them.

Even now I find myself just wanting to cry... and cry and cry... fuck it's been this way for over a month (?).

I feel so inadequate, so worthless, so useless.

I have no confidence in myself aside from fucking things up.

I really fucking hate depression. I hate how it saps the joy away from you.

Yet I continue to wait... and muddle alon(e)g.

Melancholic but no 12 step for it

Lonely... Sad... Depressed??


Need a job...

Anxiety is trying to kick into hyperdrive.

This loneliness is almost unbearable.... Oh how we know so little of ourselves, even after years of questions.

Day 3 of diet... Still staying the course, but my emotional state has been tied to my diet for so long... This will take time. I just wonder how far I'll make it.

I don't hold myself in high regards to be able to compose myself when my brain is screaming feed me carbs!!!

Candy, sugar, ice cream, cake... Etc.

I know my cholesterol is fairly high, so with the plasma and new diet I wonder if I can get it lowered.




I'm really trying to think the situation through at the moment.

No job... Bills past due.. crap I need work. Afraid of losing my car now..

Insurance won't be paid this month.

I'm really feeling weird...

So since the failed attempts last year I've more or less stopped dwelling on trying to end my life. It's like I rewired my brain or something.

I hate this feeling... Like there's something there, this feeling of almost figuring something out but remains elusive from coming into picture.

I doubt myself on so many things... But the narcissist in me says I have it better understood than most. Life...

It almost seems like a retry.. a do over..

Like I have this knowledge and 'wisdom' that could really benefit me... If I could just get the income situation sorted.

Open Mic

So... day 2... have stayed on course... no straying from the course.

Food that is.. today I had...

fruit.. fruit... peanuts... fruit... meat & veggies... Thai precisely.


Went to an open mic... pleasantly surprised. May have to go again.

Meat with no tatoes

So day one was off to a rocky start by having a repeat of the day before. Hash browns & 2 eggs...

but that kept me more or less good till I figured out what I wanted.

Stopped at TJ's & Sprouts. Made grilled fish tacos with sucio pico - diced avocado added to pico de gallo. Tried some with the cabbage but it wasn't shredded the right size to use and also needed regular corn tortilla size and not street taco size for these. Maybe try with crema next time and a salsa verde.


Steak with blue cheese sauce and salad tomorrow night.

Picard

Smoked a bowl.. watching 2nd episode... that is all.