You are out..

Not sure how to put this in words.. I feel anger at this point... Yep.. Looking at you.. Anger..

I'm moving forward alone. This is my last chance...

Pull up the covers...

I think a long time ago I made a mixtape with a title like this one...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHiPpXaoBDw&feature=youtu.be

Sometimes I even amuse myself....

So talking about the kitchen cabinets that need to be redone.

Started talking about wood and she mentions rock maple.

Then one of the kids said it sounds like a Canadian. Then I thought... dude.. have Wil Ferrell play a Canadian P.I. named Rock Maple.

I laughed.. (more like an inside giggle but hey..)

Han dies first

That's my prediction for the new movies... Han will be the first to die.

Though I doubt I'll go see them.. What is this.. what is this lack of concern or care for what was a big part of my childhood??

Hmmm.. I guess I've just come to a point in my life where I've consumed as much as I can about pop culture and don't give a rat's ass..

It really is interesting at how much I have changed... While I still watch a lot of anime... read an occasional manga... I don't really have anything left that would be considered juvenile in my habits.. to some extent. Then again I'm not on the outside looking in. I definitely take my time to research on things.. though that doesn't always work for the best.

Whether it be phones or appliances or cruises or whatever... I'm not going to overreact to something (I hope) that it's meaningless..

The news movies are a good indicator of that... I may have stood out in line for them.. but honestly... don't really care.. am I interested.. sure I guess so.. just because I was so horribly let down with that turdlogy of prequels... I just have a good idea that it will be on par with the rebooted Star Trek.. but either way... it'll make a ton of money.

Resentment

I'm currently going through some serious resentment feelings at the moment.... feelings that I really are bullshit at the moment.

I guess... I'm really holding on to this at the moment and part of me just wants to bail and start a new.

This is the adult tantrum...

And no I haven't had anything as of yet today... I'm getting to the point of screaming at people...

I don't like my situation... and while I think I'm working on stuff or towards stuff... I'm having this moment of growing impatience...

Maybe I'm reading too much into shit... that's not it... it's a this compounding of issues that I'm unable to deal with... I'm pissed... at me..

For instance I want to hurl this laptop into oblivion...

the fucking touchpad is off center, so the edge of my palm/thumb cause the cursor to move from time to time...

GGRRGRRGRGRGRGRGRGGRGR

fucking pissed... but for no good reason.. and I have a gnarly headache again... today.. so tired of this BS...

Tired of everyone... especially the people in this house...  but that's just the resentment talking...

Sure if I didn't stick my dick in everything that moved way back when I may not be in this situation... then again if I had parents... see how this game works...

Resentment is a never ending street to nowhere...

This is one of those I want to quit moments... to add to the long fucking list of wanting to quit moments...

And honestly I don't know why this is fucking me up so much at the moment...

I see the melancholy on the horizon..

soo fucking god damned tired all the time... and what the fuck is this feeling of being held back or holding back??

Whats up doc?

All these years and Bugs is a recognized influence for classical music, modern day satire, what's wrong with the U.S. and so much more.

Albuquerque... Rancho Cucamonga....

Hey look its a dead horse...

Fuck getting old... Seriously... Not doing well with mirrors.. Even with the weight loss.. I think especially from the weight loss... Maybe stress.. I don't know.. Maybe not.. Again.. Don't have a good yearly health record going.

Wanting Japanese food... Again... Sushi this time.. But the CA crap.. Vs the better traditional stuff.

Or some onigiri.. Hmm.. Oh.. Still have to make takoyaki.. Maybe this weekend... On top of the Indian.. Good.. Been wanting some..

Unprecedented surprise

I like unique phrases... Things that I hear or read at the moment. The title is from an anime.. Maken-ki.. Last episode..

Another one I heard the other day was Jello Biafra, lead singer for the original line up of DK.

There's no punk rock in Nebraska.

Love that one.

That's from the Urgh Its a Music War Soundtrack..

I love these cheesy ecchi harem anime.. Tskune! Mocha!

Let me sleep on it... baby baby... let me sleep on it... I'll give you an answer in the morning...

Sleep... no this is not a ST:TNG episode... but something that is probably the best advice I have ever had and will say is the best I will ever give.

Yesterday was a horrible day... I was an emotional wreck on so many levels. Really depressed.. just read yesterday's post.

So as soon as I got home I went to bed. I wasn't in any capacity to properly think let alone function in a capable manner.

Today I woke up... not despondent but just like every other day.. normal...  but completely aware of how I was the day before.  And just like that.. a new day unfolded.. and it was a good day.

and I really like this Meatloaf song..

WHO THE FUCK AM I?!?!?!

I had to make that title... I'm not in a good spot at the moment. Mentally that is.. I get the impression that I'm making things to be bigger than they are.

With that said... I really fell like things are shit at the moment... (with a part of me knowing how irrational I can be).

This is the first I've been depressed like this in quite a while... the irrational kind of depression.

This is the I don't fell like waking up kind.. the I don't really want to take another step kind...

This is the not being able to see any light from anywhere kind...

The irrational kind that I have had way too much experience with all my life.

What is this crippling fear of life that I have... this fear that seems to over take me in so many activities...  I'm having a hard time with this... even knowing of how irrational I am... there are things about this nature that still surprise me... especially how effective it is.

It seems like things will never get better... I feel trapped. What makes matter worse... is there never seems to be a "right" answer... it's always just an answer... which can't be either right or wrong.. it's just an answer because no one fucking knows.

We have an idea on things... we can measure things... but in the end it's still just a data driven answer.. there is no right or wrong in the data.

I hate being here...  (this space in my head...)

Knowing that I know nothing

Some days are better than others.. and today is not a better day. It's one of those fucked up days that I don't want to do a thing and in fact would rather just crawl back under a bed and sleep my life away.

My stress levels are getting annoying to say the least. Not to mention my patience levels being non existent at the moment.... to varying degrees or situations.

This ugly aspect of my personality is trying to rear it's head again... a last huzzah? Retribution?

Which is why I'm writing.. is this the emotional result of the past months... the start and stop of plans and all that it entails. Trying to plan for the future and all I see are roadblocks after roadblocks.. I hate days like this.. I hate how my focus gets distracted by what goes on in my head.

I don't like being in a position where I feel like things are pointless... despite knowing full well everything really is pointless..

In the grands scheme of it all.. I make no difference... in all the totality of the cosmos... my life is insignificant... my life.. my actions.. those around me... I'm on an island in space inhabited with the rest of the global population of hairless space monkey's fighting over scraps and who's fairy tale is more real than the other.

Despite the meaninglessness of it all.. I still drive towards something... is it my lack of confidence.. to some extent I would say yes.. but it's almost crippling... this fear of doing... doing what though? I get freaked out over projects at work that I know I can do.. I get freaked out over things not going as they should... now this is a the problem as it's so ambiguous..

Once Bakemon!!!

So after just finishing day 11... (ass kicker..) 12 is another ab day... I have to view each day as a monster to defeat.... yes as cheesey as hell as that is.. that's part of my motivation... why should I grow up? just because I'm expected to.. fuck that shit...  I'm still bothered but my response earlier... or I should say me at this moment is bothered by how I felt earlier with the Pamelot... no es bueno.. she thinks she's done?? Heh... get in line with the rest..

I need to get into kick ass shape... just because.. because I want to.. I get one last shot at all of this.. and now is the last ship before I get to complacent to do jack shit... I need to come up with a business plan on the monthly box subscription shit.

I need more info... too soon... but the domain was a have to.. I like the name anyhow. I have a number of options.. and a year to just sit on the domain.. or buy a few more years.. we'll see. Many opportunities with the domain to just be settled on one.. could be very marketable... it's short and kitschy...


Update - 2019-06-03

So not anywhere near.. and about 50 lbs heavier once this was posted.

Ideas that keep floating on by.. nothing that I see to work for.. but we'll see.. I'd like to think there is something in the works.. but who knows. Will this be another failed attempt at putting thoughts on paper. Another bout of wishful thinking... crushed by depression or life or lack of stick to itiveness.

Left road or right road

So I've been dwelling on a topic for a bit lately... Am I done being married or is this just another one of my mental freak outs that I always would go through when I couldn't get my way.

I have to say no to the latter... I'm not that person I was in so many ways. Then again I'm still that same ol person.

Why is is different this time around?

Years... experiences... events..

We managed to get past 90% of all the BS that has occurred.. however that doesn't go without saying that people won't change over time.

Honestly I can't even think properly on this at the moment.. my head is feeling very flustered at the moment... a big haze that seems to never come into focus and the thoughts are a bit racing.

My initial thoughts as to why is not that I've changed so much... but the other person has. Though isn't this something that we take into account when we get married. Sure when it happened I was "doing the right thing"... but these ideas are antiquated beyond belief. Sad to see my own kid go through some of this at the moment.

I'm noticing a certain someone acting very codependent or I'm reading into things... I'm trying to keep my perspective not so skewed. It's rather difficult at the moment.. again.. brain.. fuzzy.. not clear at the moment.. I'm guessing I'm tired.. hence tea in the afternoon... hot tea.

Stress... uncertainty... grinding the day away. This is where I'm at.. on the surface...

Not sure.. at the moment.. I hate when I'm like this... it's annoying...

Annoyed I missed a day on my Spanish yesterday... annoyed about finances... job.. where I live... my life?

hhmmm... not sure I like that. I'm really not wanting to sound like I'm whining or complaining.. as I really don't have anything to complain about. Though why don't I?  Why can't I complain and whine?

because no one cares...  or more accurately... it's not going to one damn thing about it.

I only have the power to change my situation... all I know is how fucking slow it is. That's because I don't have any money... but what else is new.

Emotionally backed in a corner

My head hurts a bit at the moment... just a slight pressure around the temples.

I've been watching how much I smoke as of late... and what effects it has had or hasn't.

I think I'm about to go on a tolerance break here for a bit. Though I'm not 100% on it... 1 - I know it helps me deal with shit. It calms me the fuck down. It helps with stress... and it helps me to get my thoughts in line.

I feel like I'm at some weird intersection of life... it seems like a last chance for gas moment. Then again... I'm 42 what do I know.

I guess it's the stress... not having a "real" job but this BS contract crap that I've been doing for years. No retirement... no savings... no insurance... and all these fucking bills.

I'm finding things out that I don't know if I really agree with... life things.. getting bored with activities that I spent most of my life involved with at some point.

TV.. Games.. music...

Conversely I spend my time on select things... I haven't really played a game in forever... Pinball doesn't count. I watch mostly anime at this point.. I've dropped most tv shows... and it really seems that I'm going to go back to reading here...

I'm losing my patience on things... around the house.. with people in the house... being at the house.. in the house..

Are my thoughts on not liking people going to far?

Has my past imprinted on me who I am today... tomorrow? To a point that it will become detrimental?

I have no qualms with ending relationships... I think that much is clear.. but I also now that it can have adverse effects...

I know I'm having a hard time with people overall... I have a short fuse on the road... I have zero patience when it comes to dealing with people where they should be the expert but that is not clearly the case..

Is my frustration based on my feeling of powerlessness overall?

Honestly.. we are all powerless to some extent. Short.. tall.. fat.. thin.. strong.. weak..

It doesn't matter.. death takes us all.. and it has the greatest weapon of all.. time.

Day by day we get weaker... has we get stronger... disease wastes away at our brain after years of pouring knowledge into it.. to the point were we can't even recognize other people..

Strength fades... as does everything else.

I don't discount death.. or mine for that matter.

I know that time is short... and my outlook on life still hasn't changed... that is.. I'm still happy for the most part.

Frustrated... tired... and stressed...

Life is an adventure... if you want it to be.

Checkpoint reached!

It is said that you only get one chance at life, there are no do overs. No save points or god modes. You can't hack the game.

But I do think you can change how the game ends, granted you live long enough to affect said change.

Lately I have been wondering should I restart things... And am quickly reminded how this thought is nothing new. Then again I'm not that person who thought that thought oh so many years ago.

Who I am today... So not the same person oh so long ago.

My goals have changed... But I wonder.

What is "normal" is what is measured... I really don't know how to explain this any easier. I generally view the normative social constructs as just that.. What is deemed normal. Then again... I also like to think I'm actually special from time to time. Joking aside...  There are things that I find perplexing in the grand scheme of things.

Mortality being one but not the one at hand. What will humanity's continued evolution end at?

Also do I want to be married... Do I want to be with someone... Is it what I want now...

Day 7.... the storm approaches...

Just finished 7.... looked at 8... Monday may be painful...

One pebble at a time...

Not sure on the validity of this but I remember a story that talked about how smart crows were or it was some Aesop type story about a crow being smart enough to use pebbles to get a drink a water from a narrow opening.

Today is day 4.. one day further than I was before... that is an accomplishment.. as insignificant as it is.. it's a day further.. a step ahead.

86 more days to go.. I can do this.