Works towards something... every bit of effort counts.

So I've been trying shit out a bit lately... it's called stick with it.

So apparently despite not being fluent in Spanish overnight I have come to a big ol 25% on Duolingo. Which to me is pretty cool and a big confidence booster. Things ( <---lazy word here fyi), generally skills and or talents and or "things" of this nature/type that I have been wanting to expand on I finally have ?mellowed? out enough to stay focused enough and not do what i have generally done in the past which is bite of more than I can chew.. that and not really being disciplined enough in knowing that you can only fail if you try.. but you will always fall if you don't try.

In a convoluted way, keep doing something till you do get good. Hence the saying Rome wasn't built in a day.. yet I would beat myself up every time that I didn't seem immediate results. I've focused on a few things that I think I can get some fairly quick results. One instead of trying to learn Japanese at this time I'm focusing on Spanish. Mainly because it would be stupid not to pick it up, seriously when has knowing more than one language ever hurt someone.

I've got this momentum going... and I'm finding that if you keep that going. Things do change... it's a very small change.. but it's big enough for me to see it.

Zip Zap Pow

Brain zaps

By far the most unpleasant thing about coming off of cymbalta.

So I'm on my newest 30 day refill of 30 mg every other day.... or so as I have prescribed. The every other day part that is.

The brain zaps really are annoying to say the least. You really have a hard time focusing and concentrating on what you have to do. Even rudimentary mundane tasks such as typing.

I think I h.... crap my fingers are all over the keyboard and making too many mistakes.

ok.. so..

Now to see how and if I can get off of everything by the end of the year. We shall see.. I'm making some pretty big plans for this last part of the year.

- Limit alcohol to holidays only. I have 4 drinking days... Halloween, Thanksgiving, Xmas & NYE.
- 90 days get my ass into shape. My walking days are not consistent enough for me at the moment and I feel like I'm within reach of a number of physical objectives. So make a bit of a reach to get there with some extra effort should work.
- Get off cymbalta by end of year. It's a bit faster than I had planned, but hey things are going well.
I'm keeping track of my emotions and mood (and letting those close know as well).

I'll reevaluate where I am after 90 days...

Moving forward.... even if I take a break to catch my breath.

So... I've been having some really weird mood swings as of late.

Read the posts.. that's how things have been.

And I'm setting the record straight right now... weed is helping me stay sane. I've been completely rewired (in a better and same sort of way). To which I'm sure a good number of you are just rolling your eyes... how is this "time" different!?!?

Well to disrupt delicate sensibilities... I'm an atheist. Have been for pretty much 5 years now... though I think I've finally reached a sane & rational point in my life. I'm no longer in a free fall tailspin to use the aviation terminology. Of a mental faculty state.... I know who I am.. I'm no longer questioning things about the meaning of life and what not one spends cloistered in a closet of ignorant bliss... I definitely didn't say no to the rabbit hole.

And that's how I see life now.... it really is a great adventure. I just had to change my perspective and well.. that's how I see it.

Granted recent events are having a very profound effect on me and made me question the current plans and how they may not necessarily happen as planned. I'm still physically stressed... my shoulders are still tensed and it's been almost a month now.

But I've been having a hell of a time with the roller coaster of anxiety and I'm done with this ride. I have some goals that i want to take care of creatively and I've been working towards that goal. I'm currently busy with Spanish... Math... and yet to start electronics. Not too mention the other items involving Arduino, metalworking, woodworking, and more. Now is the time to do it. While I have access to these learning opportunities... I need to find a beer money project.

I just need to find a band saw... so I can finish this gate project.

There are never enough words.... ever.

The more I think about things.... wow that is bullshit... and so is having to wrote that and the title twice.

Blogger crashed...

whatever.. I'm having a very emotional day... and it's fucking weird as hell... because the other day I was thinking about how I hadn't written anything in a bit on here.

I'm having a pre melt down of people departing even though they are nowhere near departing.. but I'm find that with all the death news as of late and other recent emotional events I'm a bit over stressed and a bit touchy at the moment.

Not too mention being a bit silly.

While I enjoy the tears.. or I should say I welcome them... and it's more because I know they help relieve stress.. yes.. google that shit.

I'm in need of some serious de-stressing and I do not see that coming anytime soon.

So I'm re-evaluating priorities and plans and other such goal driven type things that for some fucking reason right now... TIME IS FLYING... I'm really hyper sensitive to time or some other silly nonsense and all I see is the sand freely flowing... despite it moving at the exact same time before I was born as it is now... granted atomic clock yadda yadda fluctuations...

I'm really having a hard time with even the slightest bit if my Pop going what so bit right now... and while it's completely irrational.. none the less I'm holding back a flood right now...

hold on... surreal fucked up moment... I don't think I'd really feel anything if my mom kicked it. I actually stopped and thought about it... tried to conjure forth some mythical "blood thicker than water" mumbo jumbo hocus pocus emotional something... nothing. However that isn't to say that I'm not sad over the fact that I pretty much didn't have a mother who gave two shits about anyone else but herself.... which on the other hand thinking about this is pretty informative. Despite all the evidence that supports my opinion of my mother being a waste of flesh on this mudball... I really think cutting her out when things happened like they did and that's old news, was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Too many people fall victim to the blood relative trap of perceived obligations despite the fact the person is a complete piece of shit.


I needed this... ugh... in case there was any wondering... this is really helping me to process shit.. so there.

I know I'm stubborn on a lot of things... and I have to figure shit out... but I know I'm finding that it's really fucking hard sometimes.. even as you get older... and yeah... getting old is not for sissies...

And woooooo weeee .... ok.. this is an emotional roller coaster day...

I'm giggling about what now I don't know.. but I know this is temporary... and tomorrow is a different day... and today is still a good day... and the fact that I'm crying about that makes me laugh..and cry more.. ugh.

but the really sad thing that I'm feeling at the moment is I sort of want my Dad to read all of this... and I don't think he will..... at least not right now.. not yet.. I have more that I need to do...   I need to learn Spanish... I have to.

EDIT - I'm also starting the weaning period on this bottle... hopefully the last?

Country Girl

I'm convinced Homer was 100% correct.

Rock did achieve perfection in the 70's.

Though there are a few gems since that time frame.

Over the Hill

I think I've figured out that meaning. You've reached an age where you've seemed to have life figured out, but you've wasted all your youth and energy getting there.

I jest, but the pain in my hip says otherwise. Along with my back, neck, feet and other various parts on my body that creak, crack or grind as I move about the day.

On top of getting to said point, you realize that a lot of the time and energy that you spent on "trivial matters" were really just that... trivial. Though I have to wonder to some extent about that. Do not the experiences we go through account for who we are? I know recent experiences have had profound changes on me. Physically and mentally...

I've now gone through something that has forced me to evaluate my future plans. Something I didn't even anticipate or expect... How does one plan for Armageddon?

It's a good thing... because now I have another option to evaluate.

Things are good... stressed as all hell.. but I really can't complain.

Aside from the tiredness.. and the stress.. I'll complain about that.

And I made chili today...

Here Is The House

So I am stuck in the 70's/80's... old school KROQ and 91X.

(HA! Looks like Irvine Meadows became Irvine Meadows again... like it should have been.)

I have to say for there to be a time I was apart of I'm glad it was this one.

I have to admit though this music does bring back a lot of weird emotions... then again... what is it with this time in my life.

It's so freaking bizarre... all of these "first" memories come flooding... people I hadn't thought of in forever and probably will never see them again. I find it weird how it makes me sad... is this mid life regret?

Maybe.. I know a good portion of my impetus for what I do know is partly from time is running short and I have a ton of things I'd like to do before I depart this blue rock.

Why does DM have such an impact on me the way its does.... ha.. I think I know why...

Pretty much listened to them all through Jr High into High School, while not a sought out favorite they were heard frequently enough to be a "soundtrack" to the moment. Especially knowing how DQ I was..

I'm really not liking getting older right at the moment... woah.... that was a sudden rush of despair... holy sheet.

UGH!!!

Why do I feel like I'll never be able to do shit... ugh... discipline... is a bitch of a mistress. I know that I need to take a breathe and chill and focus and realize the situation for what it is.. and what has happened in the past month or so weeks..

I have things I need to do and that to ensure things go as smooth as possible... I have to be able to provide as needed and be able to transition to a need endeavor post move. Additionally I'm supposed to be using this time to rebuild a foundation in certain fundamental skills and abilities that I honestly don't have as much skill as I think others think I have, though I'm not opposed to gaining said skill. I have to look at the journey before me and understand that there will be swamps along the way. It's a life journey in the sense that as long as I keep moving forward (some times I won't be moving because LIFE HAPPENS).

I love that Fall is right around the corner... look forward to the Winter, just hope the roof stays on.

Tomorrow's Gonna Be Brighter Day

LOL...

So in my teary eyed epiphany of recollection, I was thinking on the silly things that bring a tear to my eye. Needless to say music is a big one, Jim Croce especially. Which is the funny part... there are a number of FANFUCKUTABUOLOUS songs that were written by a select handful of artists between the 60's & 70's that seem to have this emotional impact on me.

The part that really makes me chuckle... yes.. chuckle.. is despite the sad nature of a number of them.. they are my memories of how I once felt and longed for things to be better... and the thing is... I really don't see them getting better than this...

This is how I know things are completely different post "my incident". JIC.. I know who I am.. and I'm not that confused kid anymore.

I'm happy now.. or I should say more accurately.. more content than I thought possible. It's not perfect.. but nothing is.

Now if I could get a series of massages... my body is still so stressed out at the moment..

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I really used to like U2..... then something happened after Joshua Tree... anywho.

The bipolar feelings are kicking in a bit.. I find myself getting emotional in my gratefulness... with everyone.

And it's hard to have the help... just is.. grateful none the less.

Though I hope my sibling gets over his shit.



Back to work tomorrow.

Not sure how well that is going to work.

I want my son back.... it's what's going through my head.


heh... talk about bipolar thoughts..

So today was one of those nothing went right but everything was right put in perspective kind of days.


Soooo.. the night before the fridge dies (vent clogged, unit overheated) and we end up putting everything in coolers with ice. Broke as hell... the Lowes card has money... go online.. find a fridge after doing some research (literally it took less than 30 mins to get the best brands by style - LG) and buy it.

P get's the call the day after to schedule delivery this afternoon. Right after 1:30 the truck shows up and after about 5 minutes the guy comes up and says where is the stove going.

Stove?

They screwed up the order, unit was scheduled for delivery for11/2... then the rub was going instore could only cancel the fridge... they have to follow up next day to cancel the extended warranty.

Today was that day that said... yeah it could be a little bit worse... so I had to laugh..

I hope tomorrow is better... today was pretty good.

And yesterday was our wedding anniversary

Needless to say we all forgot that due to the circumstances.

Yesterday was not a good day.. well it was.. but it wasn't.
It was the worst feeling day since.. today is better.

One thing I have noticed... weed is not having an effect on my emotional state. Though I have to say it has helped to be able to cope. It's preventing me from dwelling on things that I shouldn't be at the moment. Conversely it's not really distracting me from it. Alcohol is probably making things worse, but it's not like I've been drinking myself silly. Then again I'm not a big drinker, never have been. 3 beers yesterday maybe 4 or 5 the day before...



I know I need to grieve... I have been..

I also know that I can't stay in a grieving period for forever.

Going to the tidepools... need to get out.. but not really wanting to deal with people..

Glad my family is here.

And that's a big thing for me to say....


and it's a good thing.



Stress... lack of concentration is there but not nearly as bad as it was...

physical effects are still there.. less pronounced, hoping to go back to work on Monday...


I know sending him that email yesterday helped...

So my oldest son recently tried to commit suicide

On Labor Day morning I was calling 911, after using a saw blade to cut the electrical cord my son was hanging from. I'll never get that image out of my head...

Today after being on a 24 hr watch in the ICU, it seems like he'll be ok physically. I really never knew how I would react to this scenario.I had been hoping that he had been committed prior to this event, but that didn't happen. I hate how this system works like that... unless they are "in the act" nothing can really be done as long as they are rational and can tell the cops "everything is fine". There were multiple calls in 3 weeks... but nothing.

While I know the pain it takes to get to be in that level of despair, conversely now I know the pain on the other hand.

Yeah... this is shock. The trauma of what has happened drives through. Like the g force rush of a descending roller coaster, this wrenching gnawing in the pit of your stomach. You have to think longer than usual about what you want to do. While I want to type this out faster than I am. I get overloaded with numbness.

I don't think tomorrow I can bill.