Manic depression is touching my soul
I know what I want
But I just don't know how to go about getting it
Feeling, sweet feeling
Drops from my fingers, fingers
Manic depression is captured my soul, yeah
Woman so willing the sweet cause in vain
You make love, you break love
It's-a all the same when it's, when it's over
Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress, caress, caress
Manic depression is a frustrating mess
Wow
Well, I think I'll go turn myself off an' uh, go on down
All the way down
Really ain't no use in me hanging around, oh, I gotta see you
Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress and uh, kiss, kiss
Manic depression is a frustrating mess
Wow
Yeah
Ow
Music, sweet music
Music
Depression
- Jimi Hendrix - Manic Depression
YouTube Video?
Sunday, August 30, 2015
It's all about finding yourself and a big healthy dose of confidence.
Wow... what an interesting past week.
Son snaps this past weekend and then last night after everything that's happened it gets worse.
(EDIT) - This event happened a few weeks back.
Son snaps this past weekend and then last night after everything that's happened it gets worse.
(EDIT) - This event happened a few weeks back.
Never underestimate the power of music... and pot.
When life has got you down in the dumps... listen to your music collection on shuffle. Some eong somewhere will pop up and help you out of your doldrums.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Sex and Drugs and Rock n' Roll
Despite the Ian Dury reference, I don't really care for his music. Don't misconstrue this for not knowing who the man is and what he did. To do so would be an insult to what he accomplished as a unique flower in the flower bed of humanity.
And like all flowers his time came and went. In a thousand years he will more than likely be a trivia question for the future generation of hipsters to hipster over, and I doubt what he did will not even be mentioned, let alone understood.
Music is one of those things.... things - such a cheap and useless word... it's like a placeholder for where a real word should be.
Music is one of many human common denominators. Those "things" that most if not all cultures around the globe have developed and bonded to over time.
I'm at this point in my life that I want to study a portion of the facets of humanity... in hopes to get a better understanding of not only myself but others around me. Honestly I have noticed a few things in the past year or so that I have fully taken advantage of. I won't lie and say that I don't have some guilt and some of which I could get into some trouble. Not with the wife.. well that's not true.. anyway let's just say it's not an infidelity thing.
I have been doing some things of questionable character.... and getting away with it. For now...
Anywho... back to music..
So I remember when I was a budding teen and music became my everything... it was my emotional roulette.... my memory reanimator so to speak and is to some point to this day.
Here I was being over run with a flood of hormones into my system and emotional levels that (looking back on it) I'm so fucking glad that shit is over with. My childhood consisted of a severely depressed mother with zero parenting skills and sad to say my father wasn't much better in that department, but he's the more well adjusted one.
Not having parents that work together is one of the worst scenarios a kid can be in. If the parents are solid with the kids, I think the kids can handle pretty much anything thrown at them. This could include divorce, rebellion on their part, general questions about life, open honest discussions.
Sad to say it's taken a long time in some discussions with my kids now that they are older. Though let this be known... none of them have the excuse of "we never talked to them". That I know is a load of bullshit. While we didn't force discussions on them, we would monitor what they did to a point, gave them freedom/perks/etc.. as the earned it. Good grades were required and they had options to get into whatever activity they wanted to. Some took more advantage of this than others.. <cough>Xander</cough>
I know just recently I offered Kendo and fencing options which were turned down. Any earlier conversations attempts with the "YA YA I already know".. only to be revisited down the road with some karmic fate of retribution for not listening completely and missing key information that would have saved them.
Music... yak shaving...
I have the extreme interest in the physiology of homosaipens... like why we do the things we do.. weird sciencey type things...
how your nostrils oscillate their duty throughout the day
Rods and cones
And like all flowers his time came and went. In a thousand years he will more than likely be a trivia question for the future generation of hipsters to hipster over, and I doubt what he did will not even be mentioned, let alone understood.
Music is one of those things.... things - such a cheap and useless word... it's like a placeholder for where a real word should be.
Music is one of many human common denominators. Those "things" that most if not all cultures around the globe have developed and bonded to over time.
I'm at this point in my life that I want to study a portion of the facets of humanity... in hopes to get a better understanding of not only myself but others around me. Honestly I have noticed a few things in the past year or so that I have fully taken advantage of. I won't lie and say that I don't have some guilt and some of which I could get into some trouble. Not with the wife.. well that's not true.. anyway let's just say it's not an infidelity thing.
I have been doing some things of questionable character.... and getting away with it. For now...
Anywho... back to music..
So I remember when I was a budding teen and music became my everything... it was my emotional roulette.... my memory reanimator so to speak and is to some point to this day.
Here I was being over run with a flood of hormones into my system and emotional levels that (looking back on it) I'm so fucking glad that shit is over with. My childhood consisted of a severely depressed mother with zero parenting skills and sad to say my father wasn't much better in that department, but he's the more well adjusted one.
Not having parents that work together is one of the worst scenarios a kid can be in. If the parents are solid with the kids, I think the kids can handle pretty much anything thrown at them. This could include divorce, rebellion on their part, general questions about life, open honest discussions.
Sad to say it's taken a long time in some discussions with my kids now that they are older. Though let this be known... none of them have the excuse of "we never talked to them". That I know is a load of bullshit. While we didn't force discussions on them, we would monitor what they did to a point, gave them freedom/perks/etc.. as the earned it. Good grades were required and they had options to get into whatever activity they wanted to. Some took more advantage of this than others.. <cough>Xander</cough>
I know just recently I offered Kendo and fencing options which were turned down. Any earlier conversations attempts with the "YA YA I already know".. only to be revisited down the road with some karmic fate of retribution for not listening completely and missing key information that would have saved them.
Music... yak shaving...
I have the extreme interest in the physiology of homosaipens... like why we do the things we do.. weird sciencey type things...
how your nostrils oscillate their duty throughout the day
Rods and cones
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Editorial - Video Games and Doping
So I briefly scanned this article and went...WTF?!?!
Ok.. so there was a scandal about using Adderall in a match.. and now weed is on a list of banned substances.
I've noticed that the more I disengage from the pop culture of today, the more I don't give two shits about anything that is the latest thing.
I can't wait to get the hell out of Dodge...
Ok.. so there was a scandal about using Adderall in a match.. and now weed is on a list of banned substances.
I've noticed that the more I disengage from the pop culture of today, the more I don't give two shits about anything that is the latest thing.
I can't wait to get the hell out of Dodge...
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Editorial
So I'm a prolific news reader. Generally current US events, World News, politics and whatever weird item that catches my eye. Underground pop culture, anime, game news, 80's, weird science/history/geography/etc.... these are the more interesting ones.
So it dawned on me as to just how well off well developed countries have it. I'm sitting in my garage, free from pretty much any crime/violence/famine/war/etc. type shit currently at the moment. Conversely I'm not oblivious to the countless other countries that we have unofficially subjugated due to our economic measures/pressures on said "piss ant" country. Which this is the status quota* for the good ol' US of A.
If you have something we want, we will "United Nations your ass" into getting it. If that doesn't work, we'll get our friendly neighbors (who may or may not be your enemy) to facilitate certain things in getting our way.
If you can't see the oligarchy power struggle around the world, then I hope you do and do it soon.
But anyway... just grateful that I have the security that I do, just not happy about the means in which it is secured. Sooner or later people will need to understand there is a finite amount of resources on this sad little rock we call home. Unless we stop the bullshit semantics of oppression and trade as the way things are done. Let alone the mantra of selective enforcement of whatever geopolitical gambit is going on at the moment. North Korea threatening war with South Korea, to which apparently is how they do business when they are low on supplies (aka brink of starvation). They feign war to get emergency aid then say look at the gifts we were given becasue they fear us so much.
any whooo..
*Status quo is generally the correct term, in this case I'm using a family inside joke.
So it dawned on me as to just how well off well developed countries have it. I'm sitting in my garage, free from pretty much any crime/violence/famine/war/etc. type shit currently at the moment. Conversely I'm not oblivious to the countless other countries that we have unofficially subjugated due to our economic measures/pressures on said "piss ant" country. Which this is the status quota* for the good ol' US of A.
If you have something we want, we will "United Nations your ass" into getting it. If that doesn't work, we'll get our friendly neighbors (who may or may not be your enemy) to facilitate certain things in getting our way.
If you can't see the oligarchy power struggle around the world, then I hope you do and do it soon.
But anyway... just grateful that I have the security that I do, just not happy about the means in which it is secured. Sooner or later people will need to understand there is a finite amount of resources on this sad little rock we call home. Unless we stop the bullshit semantics of oppression and trade as the way things are done. Let alone the mantra of selective enforcement of whatever geopolitical gambit is going on at the moment. North Korea threatening war with South Korea, to which apparently is how they do business when they are low on supplies (aka brink of starvation). They feign war to get emergency aid then say look at the gifts we were given becasue they fear us so much.
any whooo..
*Status quo is generally the correct term, in this case I'm using a family inside joke.
Comfortably Nom
So usually I get some sort of HB contact from a certain person... Not this year.
I think I know why...
Any who.. I don't really know how I feel today about it and all.
I care/don't care about it... Weird that I'm being weird about it.
All I know is I get sushi tonight.
Things that make you go hmmm....
So I have a very strong emotional connection to certain songs... for whatever reason they are the arteries to some emotional heart triggered by some irrational nothing.
Few songs grab me... hence the reason I'm writing this...
So in order to be unique in this posting I will only comment on said song that prompted this... and I hope for those that know me I'm am in no way referring to the title of this post. I loathe that song and all that other crap 90's... ugghhhh.
So I got distracted... damn.. RPG...
So anyway the song in question is Echo Beach by Martha and the Muffins... sadly this is the only song that I know by them and for some reason it hits all the right notes for a weird 80's flashback feel good vibe....
but now another song comes on and is even better...
Few songs grab me... hence the reason I'm writing this...
So in order to be unique in this posting I will only comment on said song that prompted this... and I hope for those that know me I'm am in no way referring to the title of this post. I loathe that song and all that other crap 90's... ugghhhh.
So I got distracted... damn.. RPG...
So anyway the song in question is Echo Beach by Martha and the Muffins... sadly this is the only song that I know by them and for some reason it hits all the right notes for a weird 80's flashback feel good vibe....
but now another song comes on and is even better...
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Im not paranoid if its true.
So one of the things that bugs me and honestly its very difficult to get away from is the continued push of goods and services.
Especially news.. Considering I read it all the time. Bad habit that I need to break. Well I can say that entertainment news is low on the totem pole but politics and all the other crap is on full time... World news and the like.
Even when I'm the one pushing the buttons... Looks like my choices are slim.
When is the best time to plant a tree...
Most of the time I forget shit... shit I think up and go hey maybe I should do this or that.
Oh well... I have a big plate of shit to do as it is.
Having come out of a 20+ year funk of existentialistic mind fuckery, I still struggle with things from time to time.
Coming to terms with that past and what to do with it.. accept it.. ignore it.. whatever it, seems to be the status quo lately.
I can't let me past deter my future... and I need to know that my feelings and emotions are chemical reactions that occur naturally..... despite if I feed them irrational bits of rotted logic or not.
Days when I feel my righteous indignation well up from the depths of hell whilst driving on the road with the rest of the peasants. My plain as day poker face of showing my feelings when I'm so not interested... this is my biggest tell of all.
I can't let my immediate feelings take over my long term goals and aspirations. It has taken so long to get to this point of contentment (more or less) in life.
The paranoid guilt that creeps up from nowhere for whatever reason. Despite the fact that I take care of what needs to be done.
Example.. the feeling of I'm always a day away from getting let go or fired from a job and the ensuing indefinite amount of time to get the next job.
It's a feeling that can run away and cause a number of issues... I know as I've gone through numerous bouts of letting them get the best of me.
Indigestion, gastritis, sleeplessness, weight loss/gain, reduced overall health are just some of the things I've had to deal with all because I let my emotions get the best of me.
Time... the one thing I wasted so much of that I can never get back.
Then again... today is the 2nd best day to plant a tree.
Music - 91x Resurrection Channel
Oh well... I have a big plate of shit to do as it is.
Having come out of a 20+ year funk of existentialistic mind fuckery, I still struggle with things from time to time.
Coming to terms with that past and what to do with it.. accept it.. ignore it.. whatever it, seems to be the status quo lately.
I can't let me past deter my future... and I need to know that my feelings and emotions are chemical reactions that occur naturally..... despite if I feed them irrational bits of rotted logic or not.
Days when I feel my righteous indignation well up from the depths of hell whilst driving on the road with the rest of the peasants. My plain as day poker face of showing my feelings when I'm so not interested... this is my biggest tell of all.
I can't let my immediate feelings take over my long term goals and aspirations. It has taken so long to get to this point of contentment (more or less) in life.
The paranoid guilt that creeps up from nowhere for whatever reason. Despite the fact that I take care of what needs to be done.
Example.. the feeling of I'm always a day away from getting let go or fired from a job and the ensuing indefinite amount of time to get the next job.
It's a feeling that can run away and cause a number of issues... I know as I've gone through numerous bouts of letting them get the best of me.
Indigestion, gastritis, sleeplessness, weight loss/gain, reduced overall health are just some of the things I've had to deal with all because I let my emotions get the best of me.
Time... the one thing I wasted so much of that I can never get back.
Then again... today is the 2nd best day to plant a tree.
Music - 91x Resurrection Channel
Sunday, August 2, 2015
What a difference a day makes....
Sadly I lack the overly emotional state of my wife to truly understand. Though not discounting my own melodramatic experiences from time to time, this weekend was a doozy!
So after two fun filled coaster days we seems to becoming to an end in the ride. Having more or less a talk about things and her recognizing what the hell happened I'm glad... and I did tell her how this was the first time that I ever felt like I no longer wanted to be around her.
She's mellowing a bit... yeah white girl drink!!!
We need a night out... fuck a weekend... but I don't see that happening for a bit..
I'm really trying to shift gears... I've been running in hear gear for so long it's really trying... and I know that my driving habits will be the hardest.
But sadly I haven't had as much time to post here as I'd like... however.
Because of the change of mood I can really say I'm fucking happy as hell.. and legitimately.
It's weird... scary... exciting... these changes.. mentally... that I have been taking.. I've seen progress.. small.. but I see it.. and that makes my determination to go further... I have a number of things on my plate.. but I'm not going to rush into things like I normally would... slow and steady... 20+ years of trying to figure me and life out are at an end... so to speak.. I'm at the point I've looked for for soooo fucking long... a point where I know what I want... finally.. finally after decades of trying to figure out shit... I got out of that self imposed(?) exile and see where I want to go finally.... remember... your past is your guide of what to do and not to do...
Your presents dictates you and what you end up doing in the end.
Just like I told Zach the other day.... the best time to plant a tre was 20 years ago... the 2nd best time is today.
Despite the cheesy melodramatic cliched manga story tropes... train hard and achieve everything... it really is the way to do things...
Well I may be exaggerating on the everything aspect... I think the over corporate one is what it really is... Just do it. You are your own worst enemy. Do not discount needing to feed and care for your mind in more than one way or another... do not discount trivial matters but recognize them as what they are... learn from whatever you can... as everything as a lesson in it... if you want it to.
But I digress... or rabbit trail or whatever... today is a good day...
Music - APB - Non Stop Violence ```` JT - One White Duck
So after two fun filled coaster days we seems to becoming to an end in the ride. Having more or less a talk about things and her recognizing what the hell happened I'm glad... and I did tell her how this was the first time that I ever felt like I no longer wanted to be around her.
She's mellowing a bit... yeah white girl drink!!!
We need a night out... fuck a weekend... but I don't see that happening for a bit..
I'm really trying to shift gears... I've been running in hear gear for so long it's really trying... and I know that my driving habits will be the hardest.
But sadly I haven't had as much time to post here as I'd like... however.
Because of the change of mood I can really say I'm fucking happy as hell.. and legitimately.
It's weird... scary... exciting... these changes.. mentally... that I have been taking.. I've seen progress.. small.. but I see it.. and that makes my determination to go further... I have a number of things on my plate.. but I'm not going to rush into things like I normally would... slow and steady... 20+ years of trying to figure me and life out are at an end... so to speak.. I'm at the point I've looked for for soooo fucking long... a point where I know what I want... finally.. finally after decades of trying to figure out shit... I got out of that self imposed(?) exile and see where I want to go finally.... remember... your past is your guide of what to do and not to do...
Your presents dictates you and what you end up doing in the end.
Just like I told Zach the other day.... the best time to plant a tre was 20 years ago... the 2nd best time is today.
Despite the cheesy melodramatic cliched manga story tropes... train hard and achieve everything... it really is the way to do things...
Well I may be exaggerating on the everything aspect... I think the over corporate one is what it really is... Just do it. You are your own worst enemy. Do not discount needing to feed and care for your mind in more than one way or another... do not discount trivial matters but recognize them as what they are... learn from whatever you can... as everything as a lesson in it... if you want it to.
But I digress... or rabbit trail or whatever... today is a good day...
Music - APB - Non Stop Violence ```` JT - One White Duck
Saturday, August 1, 2015
C'est la vie
Captains log...
2015.08.01
At home in the garage I reflect on the events of the day.
Sad is the news of WWF legend of legends, the passing of the Hot Rod.
It's these events that I guess facilitate the thoughts of one's mortality. The passing of childhood celebrity's in one form or another.
C'est la vie....
I do have to vent about shit though... And honestly I'm beyond fed up with Pam at the moment.
I really have no clue as to what her fucking issue is at the moment as she refuses to talk to me. She keeps playing this not gonna say what it really is that is bugging me shit.
I've paid attention to everything she's said all day and all she did was bitch about every fucking thing she could think of.
She apparently was making some home wrecker rants and I'm not sure why... And when I indirectly asked why she was being weird in an Betty Crocker-esque manner.... She made some lame ass excuse about she was just making sure that she wasn't castrating me like she's done in the past. She wasn't being her usual self and I'm not discounting the blue moon - red moon situation either.
Ugh...
Today really was the first day I ever truly felt that I no longer wanted to be around her and that was a really fucked up feeling to feel.
I really don't know what to do...
Coincidentally I need to see into this 15 cognitive distortions thing in more detail.
Not a good day today... But hey I'll be 42 soon.
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