the further adventures of the edq

Insights on staying with my father during this time..

Overreacting to situations.. to things said.. feelings of dismissiveness and what not.. 

emmmmmmmoooooooo

While not a fan of the music genre... I'm reflecting on my current MS (mental state)...

So sitting waiting to get gas and here with my pop and feeling like conversations are a bit one sided.. (he's like to hear himself talk) my impression that is.. and he seems a bit dismissive in others words despite it seeming that you're having a conversation... While this was not at the top of my thoughts I was thinking about if/how I may have been towards others especially w fam.. getting worked up a bit it seems... 🥺🥺🥹🥹😢😓

jibber jabber

Talking for the sake of talking... Let silence be..

whipped

Our words give us away.. as do our actions...

My intrusive thoughts are all over the place and currently struggling to keep my shit together as I am in a constant struggle to maintain my sanity in the midst of family and their own anxiety issues...

I struggle with others.. people trigger me and family triggers me the most... People's other anxiety.. people's idiosyncrasies and the like...

I find some of these thoughts a bit more disturbing than I'd like... And it's forcing me to think about things I didn't think of previously... About people and their actions and who they are vs who I've seen previously..

It's making my masking something I have to think about more...

I want to write about observations but it'll seem like I'm whining... Or is it truths about others who I have preconceptions about that are being challenged.. 

I know I'm over loaded mentally at the moment and it's not helping... Feeling out of step.. and not in a place that is not helping with that is nooooo bueno.

This is where I grow weary and despondent.. with everything.. with my own being... My skin.. the air I breath.. my vision.. what I hear and feel and experience... Everything is annoying to me... A constant itch to scratch that can never be satisfied.

The familiar becomes abhorrent...  Repugnant... Repulsive..

The analysis of things is killing me.. these things I held in high regard now are triggers of revulsion and contempt.. I'm done..

whiney rock kills me

So the emo pop punk of the early 200s was not my jam... But some of it seems to be a bit of a trigger.. apparently.. I think Im tired and emotional ATM.. feeling nostalgic and lonely and tired of it all.. I see my son and being here in NC brings back memories.. good/bad . Regardless.. over emotional..

first and foremost

In spite of my mental retardation as a human.. and inability to stick to one fucking thing..

I honestly do not fucking know a god damned thing.. even these words will somehow betray me at some point.. 

I read about the science of reality & humanity... And I question my reasons behind my actions.. behind my thoughts and inclinations... I feel id rather still just not want to be here.. because of the pain of existence.. of trying... of failing... of loss... This underlying directive that seems to guide me in nothing lasts forever so why bother that I can't seem to shake or overcome.. that haunts me thru my days.. but I want... And I don't think I should.. 

My disassociation with things has a down side..

am i

Am I being overly dramatic yet again...

I find that I'm wanting to reignite something but not sure .. is it a good idea.. am I being a moron.. am I being a sad lonely fuckwit?

Is it the familiar places and nostalgic salps in the face that are pushing me towards this... There are so many reasons as to why I shouldn't... And I'm trying to think of logical reasons I should...

......

......

......

Still can't come up with anything but emotional ones...

butterfly

Starting meditations and not even a dozen verses in when my brain goes oh hey..

Reading about how one can disciple oneself.. thinking on how the butterfly goes from a caterpillar to a butterfly, look at all the work that caterpillar goes through to become what it must in order to reach the next level.. the fattening, the forming of the chrysalis, and eventually a butterfly..

All of the effort done early on...  The strength of the caterpillar..

commands can only be executed within acceptable parameters

 this came to my mind just now...

that how we as a species communicate.. with words, and verbal speech patterns. Though how accurate is it to convey the emotion that I experience. Sure I use descriptors and attempt to paint a story of the situation.. but I know I fail at descriptors.. my mind is so focused on primary drives.. lizard brain.. though this is the chemical balance I need.. to one that helps me function as I need to..

for each iteration there is a new set of parameters for units to function within normal conditions.. expected behavior.. you try to patch holes in the illusion as you go, while giving the illusion of change and newness with subsequent version upgrades. Society moving in an "advanced direction"...what are the primary drivers that prevent the healing, why is this being prevented? The old tired arguments do no hold water, but cheap exploitable labor force is the only one that comes to mind...

the truly demented of all humanity - the capitalist. Followed by their boot licking brigades of ignorant totalitarianism sycophants with a suicidal-masochist fetish, definitely kink shaming, cultists. 

if I break it down to the basic fundamentals.. of science.. of what I know about the IT side of the business world, of the SDLC...

The fundamental basics of science, of language, of our fucking existence... what do you believe?

to me it's clear as day? Maybe my ignorance is showing but I feel I have a decent grasp of reality as it is.. unfortunately it's a ... tbd

reality

Your reality means nothing unless it's verifiable through evidence. Though the controversial aspect I hold is that life is 💯 an illusion including the aspects used to measure said reality. Maths and sciences for example. That the illusion of reality is that and even the "repeatable patterns" that we can document is part of the illusion. We get to explore the reality pulsating at the speed of light as even though we celebrate the passage of time I think a fundamental aspect to understand this as each moment passes we are never ever in the same occupied space even again.. think of the cosmology of this to wrap your head around this.. 

So to drop back to what I call the yin/yang ☯️ aspect   drive of evidence/of logic, of what can we demonstrate to be true, rational vs emotional... Chaos is emotion.. the unknowing drives (in ones ignorance on the topic personally)

The biological drives vs logical.. ☯️ always moving always driving towards the next moment in time..

I see reality as a program.. as a means to dissect and interpret.. how does this shit work??

Philosophy is the reference guide of reference guides on this..

This is a lecture & a lab.. take notes..

Look for the accepted reference of a topic.. Wikipedia is a great start.. follow the references for the topics.. think of topics as hierarchal that is in levels.. the basics, the advanced and beyond that.. sub generes, related or such, there are not simple answers... It's multifaceted in that it takes effort and practice to move from point a to point b in ones mind. The evidence you've had presented is gonna have to be evaluated piece by piece and it takes a the number of times it takes before you come to a conflict opinion from what was before.

Religious vs non religious or different religion 

Once again thanks to weed I don't want to kill myself..

I love skimming the above.. rambles like a mad man..

here we are again

So was thinking of an imaginary conversation I would have with my Dad regarding what medication, if any, works best for me... Once again weed.. it really fucking chilla the anxiety and in fact I feel the stress leave my shoulders as I write this. Actually untucking aware of just how bad it has been, but I think the canker forming should have been a clue... Twice in one year... That's a new record.. and within 3 months since the first.. other things in the squirrel brain.. or monkey brain.. stress.. anxiety driven.. plus et al..

Once again.. weed saves the day..

Now I'm trying to discuss in my head what is better... What sciences says.. or what you say about how best to deal with stress?

As what are the benefits vs side effects. Efficacy.. psychosomatic response.. placebo effect.. 

What is ones philosophy on life? How do you see the world?

I have issue with the reality that it currently takes a specific chemical combination to get me to behave how I would like or how I wish myself to be.. and it actually just dawned on me the facts about it or how my skewed view interprets the whole thing... If evolution is true in the aspect of species that adapt have better prospects in continuing down the evolutionary road.. I believe the phrase I was raised, survival of the fittest is incorrect in its language based on what is known now. It's not always the strongest or the prettiest -to which how would this even begin to be defined and even further there are so many rabbit trails in how reality is constructed with that phrase.. history of language, to first languages and how those ideas were captured, and what medium or form. How different cultures and languages have similar beginnings and others so unique they still remain a mystery... 

So to go back to the old man thing... And what if any medication saves me its weed..  this trip is gonna be fun... 

6-30

 I contemplate the day.. the week.. the year.. my life.. the future..

and nothing at all.

I've just begun to think.. and then realize that that is a foolish endeavor.

The days of wanting to have a sense a normalcy need to do the way of the dodo.. as it seems that is an illusion as well. 

As i struggle with these mental maladies as determined through the realities of today. i question it all, I question the legitimacy of it all, considering the science of the day and words of the ancients from thousands of years ago.. is it so because a majority say it is so.. is it so because the violent state determines it is so.. the war of my self and the war I want to wage against myself.. the war within to end my life and the war within to want to live.. and thinking that these word have been said before.. to be.. or not to be..

this imposter syndrome shit is real...

the constant affirmations of what I feel to be true is true and then false at the same time because i feel that it is wrong.. to see the world through the eyes of others and to feel this constant struggle of wanting to do but crippled by my thoughts and emotions and this "knowledge" that it ALL is a lie.. an illusion.. as we are but star dust and chemicals and an algorithm that is known as reality.

this process of evolution.. to have an illusion of control.. yet not in the least..