emotional necromancy

The past is dead until we dig up those memories... By bell or book or aether or feast.

The procession of what was becomes the now is in its ghastly apparitional vestiges to sing songs of lament and sorrow. Those dyschordiant chimes of a time more of shadow than substance and being. The lashing of chords somber and melancholic giving forth their unwarming heat from a long dead fire of shadows.

honeyed words

 songs and poetry seem to be self serving versus action or deed - not to say that action and deed could not be self serving, as they very well could be.

songs and poetry seem to come from an ego perspective... lamenting the loss or absence which the one being lamented may not feel the same way. At times poetry seems to be another version of relationship dysfunctionality... but I'm torn - as I can see that there is a craft in the smithing of the words in how one feels towards another. Pretty words for one's pretty?

 

Is it my inability to see something about songs and poetry? As they convey a feeling or emotion for a specific point and time... all the while as I stare at entropy...

why do I put up these logic barriers to protect myself? Because as I see currently my heart is fractured... I'm broken in the sense of never letting go of her... I hear myself saying I don't want to let go.. like a child.. a thirteen year old... why does it have this hold? 

why am I wrestling with this? 

when I think of those I have been emotionally involved with... there are a few that come to mind readily... but only one who always is in front.. a pedestal so to speak...

I'm trying to reason my emotions in a box... or so it seems to me. to make sense of this shadow that doesn't leave.. one that is cast by my life's experience's. It is a part of me.. but I don't want to be held hostage to it.. and that's all that it seems like my life has been for 37 years... running from one scenario to another... always thinking of her.

 

firsts

 Trying to get this taste out of my mind...

Trying not to frolic in the pool of yesteryear on the island of hormones...

That feeling of "being in love" where you can't be without another.... that feeling.. that is the single most addictive substance in the world... lol

when I think about that... and the other side of the coin of not wanting to be around a person.

Blind love... blind lust... wanting to be a part of that person for an eternity... which at the time sounded like heaven on earth, also seems to be one's eternal hell or no privacy... this want or need that some have to varying degrees that says we need time away from others... imagine having another's thoughts inside your head... you can hear/read theirs just as they can hear/read yours...

Now that was interesting... did I just manage to pull myself out from that emotional quagmire? My heart still aches for that... that feeling of being loved by another... though I question it.. because I question everything.. The life is an illusion aspect of life really has me fucked up at the moment...

I need to pick a topic for next year to look up... love... and the "best" media renditions/descriptions/stories of it..

What is this aching feeling... types of love.. the outliers.. the extremes..

confronting the past hurts

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcNwdO9sy4w

 

It Doesn't Matter - Depeche Mode

 

This song was for her.. how many times I would think of her when I first heard this...  

Trying to catalogue my life in music... the songs that brought me here to today... my youth.. my life.. the love.. the loss..

the ignorance.....

why do i feel like this... why does this hurt so.. my are my emotions so intertwined in this music...

 

why is nostalgia so verboten for me.. my does my heart ache so... why do i weep for what is lost.. 

12 - 18 sucked... it was awesome but I was a fucking moron... still am.. was but sill am.

So much overflowing emotion towards others and entwined like sinew and muscle and flesh..

Xymox is another damn band... now I fucking know why I avoid certain music... so much of it during this time frame is rife with unbridled emotion for those I was attached to... moments in time long ago and events almost forgotten if not revived again as some undead carcass residing on a shelf in my heart and mind....

is it that I am in love with the past which is not now.. it is not here.. it is not the present.. it is not in my power to change.. so why do I let it torment me so?

Why is it when i listen to these songs from my past that are so immersed in emotion, as if a layer of flesh at very bottom is being pulled from my body... my heart is burning with these reopened wound of my own choosing.. my ignorant emotions.. my ignorant self that I built these memories with.

 

 

 

doubt

 my anger says you

my mind says me

i doubt these things that i see

i doubt these things i hear

i doubt these things i feel

i doubt these things i know

why do i have this sorrow filled hole

is this some sort of cracker jack prize from life

my cleansed mind wants to recite jingles as a hymnal of sorts to this modern age

the karaoke of pop culture marketing

i really do just want to cry

 this feeling of sorrow that fills my eyes

the grief of years long gone by

I fret for now and waste my time on things I have no control over

I doubt my pain for the trauma i've been 

yet my heart aches for me and the others..

miso n rice

My stress was mediated by rice and miso soup. I had forgotten how much comfort I get from those two dishes. How easy and simple it is, but it instantly did its magic.

Think more Japanese is in store... Vegan things. Or tempura... Oohh now there's something.

emotionally attached

I'm finding that I am a very emotional person these days... That I get very attached to to others if the language is correct...

Words... That empower... That inspire... That motivate and light a fire.

I want to cry right now and I'm preventing that... Because I feel/think they are self serving at the moment... 

And yet I find myself wondering what it would be to let go... Let the dam break..

Schrodinger's Idea

Thinking of imaginary conversations w real people and was thinking about how I'm hoping 2024 let's me do something that I would find growing... More so than I've blabed about in the past... The notion of saying things but not seeing them come to fruition.  Schrodinger's Idea... If I attempt to make it happen I'm presented with something other than goal or not at all.

Lists... 

Objective... Not objective but new journey along the path... Like Skyrim... Just because you leave the road well travelled doesn't mean you've lost your bearings... You can walk that path but there's limited life near it.. 

Evaluation time... 

Do time..

Book time..

Read time..

Educate time..

Change habits time..

Make art time..

Explore life time..

Photograph time..

worn out?

 It's curious to find my nerves on edge as they currently are at the moment. This tension in my shoulders that I feel and have felt building for a while now feels reminiscent of my days at Toyota or any job that I felt that pressure to perform well. Never really knowing who what or where... so many opportunities..

how am I navigating towards that?

things I'm going to ponder next year... how what fits and what doesn't... finding a group.. or a person..

 volunteering...

 

 

violence

Violence is the language of ignorance...

Looking back on my youth and poor choices. Looking at my parents and their genetics 🧬.

haunted forevermore

This one...

Can't ever not have strong emotions for her.

the worst part

 the worst part of living on planet moron is knowing that the inhabitants don't know this.

I just lost another one..

That thought I wanted to write down but got distracted with.. fuck..

new baby smell

Just thinking about new baby smell is a bit of a trigger... Reminding me of my kids.. and their kids..

I'm a sucker for newborns... Mostly

world of pain

Am I being a drama queen..

Am I regurgitating headlines from cobbled news stories...

I really think this world is heading for the shitter... If and I highly doubt this if... If humanity ever plans to get their head out of their ass then it's gonna be painful... 

Like mass death and destruction painful... 

Is ww3 around the corner... More than likely....

I am burnt atm.. run run run.. 

life emerges in ideal conditions

And not so ideal conditions 

if I am not stopped

I was crying over a remembered moment I had this year on the bus, heading to a doctor appointment I went to catch a transfer bus, but apparently the construction site made it not possible for the bus to stop there. Ended up running to the next stop only to miss that as well, as I'm waiting frantic about making appt, I see this older man come following up as he'd missed that construction bus stop as well. We made some small talk about the weather and somehow ended up on the topic of family as we got on the bus. Oh your out here and your family is in x. The next moments we seemed to end up in this emotional moment of how the past has escaped us and the loneliness of getting older and the longing to be around family again.

Something led him to think as was Persian like him... I enjoy that. I enjoy not being mistaken for an American.. but fuck I need to learn another language.

But ultimately it was seeing the tears in his eyes.. as they are in mine from time to time. 

love is blind

 having a bit of a music discussion with Bart and meandered off onto the topic of politics and shit in regards to the notion of the propaganda that is pushed on us since birth. This notion that you have to vote for a giant douche or a turd sandwich (note SP propaganda).

That's what is keeping us here. This notion for keeping the status quo.

This is an affront to reality and evolution... and also part of the fucking illusion that is life and that is what we have to confront with on a daily basis.

we have what our senses present us, we have our emotions, we have our knowledge, we have our experience... and science time and time again tells us that we are being lied to.

We have some things we call scientific theory's and we look to them as pieces of information that we can get our bearings with so to speak. I don't want to say facts or truth, as again I want to reiterate - reality lies to us. So I attempt to enter things in when I'm not engaged with others or having other distractions, in a dis-associative manner in order to "try and be" as objective as possible. Which again I believe science says that while attempts can be made we don't really have a full set of cohorts to gather more accurate information. Then we are presented with mathematics... that boggles my mind. How de we have this abstract idea that is language of the universe? I struggle with math severely... but I know that it is the foundation for so much.

So I got to thinking about the concept of casting my vote and it has me really frustrated in this propagandized notion about you have to vote for one or the other.

Which led me to thinking about how blind love really is.

I'm looking at Cornel West as a candidate, Biden can go suck eggs - no more capitalists - no more war mongers/enablers.

Now I've seen a few of his lectures on WEB DuBois and I've sorta dipped my toe in this avenue of the "kill them with love" (my emphasis) ideology, that certain circles on the left emphasize.I was thinking about how often certain proponents in liberal democratic circles love to use this type of propaganda of compassion. Google "how democrats have failed".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manufacturing_Consent

The problem I'm having is not seeing the chaos that is here, that is reality, that humanity continues it's attempts to control with disastrous consequences.

Love is susceptible to similar issues as any other polarized thought. 

Blinded with hate

Blinded by love

My conundrum stems from how to reconcile the following, I know there are a number of things outside my control. Controlling how I react to situations primarily, but what is this that drives me from being lazy? I am fighting against this drive to want to do nothing, because I have rationalized this... or is that part of my programming? Will/NoWill

 

I find myself at times in analysis paralysis... but also wondering about how susceptible I am to new thoughts and ideas and how they drive me at times. I need to go shopping... craft stuff. 

and I forgot the other thing I was gonna right about...

always counting stars

So there's this song that I know but I don't know and it got me to appreciating it for some reason.. I think I've relagated it to this playlist I have in my head of bands that have a similar grove I'm attracted to and thats the only song I like from them...

There's a line in the aforementioned song that goes along the lines of

You always waited for me... Holy crap what a set of trigger words... I had gone to bed last night reminiscing about my early teen days and making out... How that event could go on for hours and some touchy feely but that was about it.. being so engrossed in an activity for so long.. I miss that .. that aspect of falling in love(lust) w someone and being overwhelmed with everything about them in such an intoxicating way... Only for that to wear off at some point..

Anywho... Those lyrics really struck a chord in that relationship sense... Being with someone and at times you forget the emotions attached, but words have a funny way of being sung/spoken in a manner that resonates deeply and highly emotional. 

HUM - Stars

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gMEB4HNNZ2I

held hostage

You are being held hostage by other people's fear uncertainty and doubt

You are being held hostage by other people's ignorance

You are being held hostage by your own ignorance 

You are being held hostage by your own acts of conformity

You are being held hostage by what you "think" is true

You are being held hostage by your own senses

You are being held hostage by the illusions of reality and those perpetrated by society

You are being held hostage by your feelings

You are being held hostage by the past

You are being held hostage by your brain and your 2nd brain

You are being held hostage by physiological and biological processes beyond your control

You are being held hostage into thinking you are in control

You are being held hostage by your lack of discipline

You are being held hostage by not being able to let go

You are being held hostage by your biases

So too is the remainder of life on earth, everything is connected and that's from an evolutionary 🧬 aspect. The over all ecosystem here in earth is interconnected to not see this is to not understand ones own humanity. The history of life on this planet along with it's social evolution of humanity to today.  Humanity's arrogance and inability to dethrone these rules that are driving us off a cliff... 

But is this the norm? I refuse to believe so.. if I could get to this point in my thought process... I'm slower than molasses.. I see what is needed and the unlikelyhood of that being a reality... So how would the needed education and experience be afforded to others sufficiently for them to be in an egalitarian enlightened mindset understanding that balance and communal/social aspects about shared resources and labor benefits all the most. A true leveled playing field. Nature demonstrates this... But is that sufficient.. humanity has a bad habit of trying to circumvent nature with catastrophic result.

what is the purpose of THIS education?

Imaginary conversations has me wondering along the lines of... What is the purpose of the public education and why is the curriculum the way it is? Why is Horace Mann so prevalent or is that my imagination?

Actively thinking... Conscious thought... Time to breathe..

struggle is real

So I'm trying something different, because what was wasn't happening. Looking into things that I wouldn't say I resigned off, but more like dismissed or relagated to the storage pile of ideas.

I still see life as a spectrum, and all that it encompasses. The good and bad, all of it, as for me that seems to represent life the most accurately. Evolution and it's processes, some of which we try desperately to eradicate through conscious effort but are unable to do so. What makes one capable of making a steadfast choice in this manner while other are not capable of?

I still believe that any situation that puts us in a box or a camp or an ideology that says here is were I am goes against nature. Life is not black and white even if we are presented with such notions. Yet I am drawn to the "betterment of self", to not be who I was. To wanting more for myself and others.... Others, just how am I accomplishing this? Or is that also some sort of illusion.